A/N: Like my other story, RWBY's Nostalgia Commercial Commentaries, which focus on team RWBY reviewing good, mediocre or awful films and INSPIRED by the Nostalgia Critic, this is a side spin-off with the same characters but this time they're reviewing on commercials from the 70's, 80's, 90's, 2000's and 2010's. (This takes place despite Volume 4 to present in RWBY).
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY SOURCES FROM RWBY, COMMERCIALS OR NOSTALGIA CRITIC IN THIS STORY, only the wonderful idea to make this story great like the parallel fanfic.
Rated T-M for bad words. Enjoy.
VALE
After a big Friday sleepover hangover together in their dorm room at Beacon Academy, Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss were passed out on one of the bunk beds in the now-messy room in Saturday morning, the two couples embracing eating while bags of Doritos, Tostitos, Lays and Cheetos, with Twinkies, Zebra Cakes, M&Ms and Hershey's boxes and bags on the beds.
Ruby and Yang suddenly slumps on the edge of the bed, before the two unconscious sisters fall off to the dorm room ground, before the two sprung and woke up, causing Blake and Weiss to wake up too while the two were still embracing.
"Man...that was a great sleepover we had last night.", Ruby and Yang drowsily said, before the four then notice the fourth wall as Ruby says, "Oh...hello, I'm Ruby Rose..."
"...I'm Yang Xiao Long..."
"...I'm Blake Belladonna..."
"...And I'm Weiss Schnee."
Ruby continued, "I remember it so...", before she eats a chocolate chip cookie on the counter after waking up, "Well, we're sorry, because ever since last night...we did a big hangover with alcohol, junk food and games and such...and we were dreaming of a question we're thinking... What the fuck are we doing in our lives, besides being Huntresses and fighting Grimm while we review movies in the meantime?"
"So, we do what we always do...after a big hangout and being depressed at the same time. We watch old nostalgic TV.", Yang hiccuped and groaned in depression with the other three, as Ruby turns on the TV in depression and drowsiness, which shows a Sgt. Slaughter commercial.
Blake and Weiss both sigh, "Ah, Sgt. Slaughter...you represent a simpler time...when your last name could also represent illegal war crimes...or when your biggest problem was not collecting the latest action set..."
"...Fight the good fight, Sgt. Slaughter...", moaned Ruby in a depressed way, before she grabs a handful of Doritos and eats them, while the next commercial shows Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Yang says, still depressed, "Oh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pies...we remember where the line Fresh from the Sewer actually sounded appetizing..."
"God...is this the only thing that brings us pleasure after our hangover? Just pure, pathetic nostalgia...?", Blake and Weiss lamented.
Ruby and Yang sobbed, "We're a wreck!", before she then sighed.
"Fucking commercials. What is it about them that draws me to them? They're so conniving, yet so inviting. It's like their in their own little world, a world that wants to be nice to you...but scam you at the exact same time...", Blake and Weiss described while drowsy and depressed again, "...something about them strangely gives us comfort..."
That was when RWBY wasn't depressed and drowsy anymore, as they realize an idea.
"I have an idea. Actually, we could watch these ads all day for a bit. Heck, we could have our own commercial review spinoff of our other series!", Ruby thought.
Yang replied, "Actually...that's not a bad idea. Maybe we need to take a break from nostalgic movies and take a look of the stuff in TV advertisements."
"Sis, can you quickly go get a red formal envelope and a golden ballot in it please?", Ruby asks.
Her sister smiled, "Sure thing, sis. I'm on it!", before she dashes out of the messy dorm room.
"What are you girls doing? Because we have the same idea as you two do.", Blake and Weiss question.
Ruby told her friends, "It's a exciting way to start off reviewing commercials when you get to reveal the title for each session.", before Yang quickly came back with a exquisite velvet red envelope saying Commercials on the front (like the Oscars), with a red Rooster Teeth-engraved symboled wax seal on the back.
"Done, in 30 seconds. Fast.", joked Yang. "Good thing we have the Huntsman Academy."
Blake and Weiss smiled at this before the Belladonna said, "We mean, we loved commercials growing up. They got us excited for all the things from the 70's, 80's, 90's, present. Every time you watched them you felt like you were making a deal with them."
"You buy their products, and they, in return, deteriorate your intelligence and physical health sometimes. Hmph, that's not gonna happen to us.", the Schnee girl says.
Ruby continues, "How could such cunning manipulation go unappreciated? You know what? We're gonna take this whole session, we're just gonna watch some commercials. We have snacks, we're cosy, and this is a tribute to all non-plastic, sugar-coated nonsense that we love growing up.", before she was given the formal red and fancy envelope by Yang, "This is a title reveal for this first commercial review session that is...", before she then opens the red envelope by gently removing the seal on the back, revealing a golden ballot inside.
On that ballot, was the title for their first commercial review.
After the girls looked at the ballot, Ruby reveals, "...After These Messages.", before throwing the envelope and ballot away as she then said, "Here we go!", starting a special commercial intro by team RWBY.
Weiss: After these messages... (Yang: ...after these messages...) Blake: ...after these messages... (Ruby: ...after these messages!) All 4: We'll be right back!
After their short intro, the four then showed a big logo of the title for this chapter, saying;
EPISODE 1: Commercials!
(After These Messages...)
"Oh, and one more note! We aren't going in any order, or time to get them in any theme, it's just gonna be commercials, commercials, commercials. Which is random, random, random. So let's get started with our first commercial!", Ruby noted, before grabbing the remote as she turns on the TV to another channel, unlike earlier, while Yang, Blake and Weiss smiled at this.
Then shortly, their commercial review began.
APPLE JACKS
"Ah, Apple Jacks. You remember these commercials, right? It always starts off with a group of kids eating this cereal, and some snooty know-it-all always asks why they like eating it if it doesn't taste like apples, which is a good point. Why the hell doesn't it taste like apples? It's like if Cocoa Puffs tasted like Oak Bran. It's kinda false advertising.", Ruby comments the first commercial, the commercial shows the Apple Jacks with a kid eating the cereal.
Yang chuckles, "Imagine if one of the girls said, "Yes, we'll see if he's cool by subjecting him to the Apple jacks test.", but one of the other girls disagrees and that guy would be like, "YES. THE APPLE JACKS TEST!", then cue a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade mixed with part of this commercial, and voila.", causing this joke to make Ruby, Blake and Weiss laugh.
"And then they all end with the kids taking a picture together, but my absolute favourite is the caption at the bottom, Apple Jacks '94. Somebody actually looked at this picture and called it Apple Jacks '94, as if to say the least...", Blake mentioned.
Weiss recounts imaginably, "God, I remember that summer. That was the summer of Apple Jacks. The summer where anything was possible. The summer where boys became men and girls became women. THAT, was Apple Jacks. We know. We'd write it in one picture."
"Do you think the kids from It did that, when they all took that picture together, they simply labelled it the summer of Apple Jacks '54?", Ruby questions to her team, shrugging, "Eh, it could happen.", before the rest of the commercial of Apple Jacks was shown before it ends.
POPPLES
"How about Popples? That was a clever idea. It was a series of sports balls that could be turned into cuddly creatures.", Yang starts off the second commercial, showing kids surprised by having Popples.
Blake criticized, "This raises a few questions, though, like why were they playing with a furry pillow-like doll to begin with? Just, why?", just as Neptune opens the door slightly to check what happened after team RWBY's sleepover hangover.
"Hey, you got our basketball?", Weiss asks Neptune, as the latter thumbs up, giving her a Popples ball, "Oh, wow, that's a hairy ball. It doesn't bounce in the slightest. This will do us well.", the heiress examined, before throwing the Popples ball across the room.
Ruby continues, "And then, of course, when they go after the ball, one says, "I got a Popple!", well, shit. He's got a supernatural creature that hasn't been discovered by science yet, but where's that darn ball?"
"Also, we felt bad playing with these because we always felt like we were giving the Popples a migraine. We mean, you're kicking them around, throwing 'em, doesn't that hurt? The Popples wouldn't come out normally. They'd look more like hospitalized. We feel VERY sorry for them. But, oh, well. You can't fault it on still being a clever product.", apologized and reviewed Yang, as the end of the Popples commercial is shown.
GIGGLES COOKIES
"OK. We don't know what the fuck this kid is on, but we want some. No drugs, but more precisely if we'd like some laughing gas.", Blake starts off the review of the third ad, as the four saw two kids giggling.
When the toddler in the commercial was giggling, Weiss supported, "My God, people stoned out of their minds don't laugh this hard!", while the rest of the Giggles Cookies commercial is shown.
"Turn the gas off! Turn the gas off!", answered Ruby and Yang for the kid in the commercial when it is reaching it's end.
Blake heard this, "Ha! Called it.", the Giggles Cookies ad ending with the Nabisco logo.
CROSSFIRE
"Oh, this ad was unbelievable. This is like, one of the most fucking epic commercials ever put on television.", Weiss said as the start of the Crossfire commercial is shown.
Ruby and Yang surprise, "Look at it! It's set in this apocalyptic future where the fate of the world rests in the hands of two kids who sit at a table and throw marbles at even bigger marbles.", while the Crossfire song is heard in the classical commercial.
"It's like the world of Tron if it was run by Lucas in The Wizard! It's the most badass commercial ever!", rated Blake.
Weiss cheers on, "Go, Billy! The fate of Armageddon lies in your hands!", while the end of the commercial shows one of the two players winning the game and the announcer saying Crossfire, causing team RWBY to burst with excitement and anticipation, before the four members of team RWBY yells skyward.
Blue lightning strikes the four, which causes them to be covered with a bit of smoke, Yang coughing once.
SANTA CLAUS HOTLINE
"I don't think they do these anymore, but a long, long time ago, they used to have hotlines for everything. Including Santa for the Christmas season, which we're happy about.", says Ruby, the start of the Santa Claus Hotline commercial showing, with fee information for how much it costs every minute and so on.
Yang continued, "Look at that, just $2 for the first minute and only 45 cents every additional minute. It's pretty fucking costily like in the 80's!"
"We always remember, you'd call them up and Santa would talk to you about what you wanna get for Christmas, and how nice or naughty you've been during the holidays of the year. Although, it does eat up time and takes your money.", Blake conversates.
Weiss talked, "Actually, this sort of takes on a different meaning nowadays, doesn't it?"
"When you make a call that costs money, there's usually a different idea behind it, and the idea of Santa being a part of that is pretty...so-so.", Ruby finished the fifth commercial review, the commercial shown ending.
FRUITY PEBBLES
(Note: I got some for Christmas, not to brag)
"Speaking of Santa, how many of you get nostalgic like us, whenever you see this commercial every Christmas? It's practically a staple of Christmas now.", Yang starts off the Fruity Pebbles ad review, showing Fred celebrating Christmas with Santa and the cereal Fruity Pebbles, which Barney also joined and shared the cereal with Fred.
Blake and Weiss smiled, "Barney would say, "Hey, Fred, how can we celebrate Christmas if Jesus isn't born yet?", but no offence, we love Jesus."
"And Fred would say, "Just eat your fucking cereal."", Ruby and Yang said, finishing the cereal commercial review as the four laughed. "We love Christmas!"
NINTENDO CEREAL SYSTEM
"Get this; When Nintendo was all the rage, they actually made a Nintendo cereal. Yeah, it wasn't a Mario cereal, or a Link cereal. It was just Nintendo in general. What a weird idea. It's kind of like making Internet: The Cereal, isn't it?", Blake said as the Nintendo Cereal System commercial is shown at the start.
Weiss says afterwards, "Though it would probably the first cereal where you have to be over 18 to eat it."
"And it wasn't just called Nintendo Cereal. It was called the Nintendo Cereal System. What the hell does that mean? Do you really have to put the word System at the end? Are we really gonna confuse this Nintendo for another Nintendo?", thought Ruby of the name of the cereal.
Yang also commented as the narrator says the name of the cereal in the ad, "Ohh, they meant Nintendo, the Entertainment System! We thought they meant Nintendo...the Animatronic Horse That Only Eats Toothpaste and Circus Midgets. Very big in Sweden."
"It was kinda cool, because it was technically two cereals in one. That means that there were two bags in each box, like let's say, family sized jumbo boxes of cereal. But we remember it was kind of a pain. Once you open the bag, you can't really close it, so if you open both of them and pour it out, you'll get double the cereal all over the place. Maybe that's why it didn't last long, because half of it was on the floor instead of the bowl. Well, if it had Nintendo on it, you know we were gonna love it anyway.", Blake simply reviewed in conclusion for this ad, as the cereal commercial ends.
BURGER KING KIDS MEAL
"Just like today, fast food joints handed out toys with their kids meals, and sometimes you get a cup, like these He-Man ones here at Burger King.", Weiss commented at the start of the Burger King Kids Meal commercial.
Ruby told, "They always told epic stories, or, at least as much as they could, being on a cup, but here's our favourite part of the commercial, Yang, if you please."
"Sure, sis. The part was, the kids get the cups, and what do they do? Use them as swords.", explained Yang.
Blake wondered, "Man, those must be some pretty ghetto kids. We mean, was a stick really too expensive to use as a sword, so you have to use these?"
"Were these your birthday gifts right after they took you to their party at the Dollar Store? Hardcore, kids. Really hardcore.", Weiss sarcastically finishes this commercial review again, the ad of the Burger King Kids Meal ending with the Burger King logo.
TOY TRUCKS
"We don't know what this kid's problem is, but he cracks us up.", Ruby guessed as the start of the Toy Trucks commercial is shown, with the kids playing with the toy trucks as one time he says, 'Bake!'.
Yang tells, "Listen to him. He's taking fun-time just a little too freaking seriously!", before team RWBY start laughing hard when the kid commanded for the Toy Trucks like a foreman.
"Calm down, kid! You're building sand castles and Lincoln logs! You're not a contracted construction worker!", Blake laughed.
Weiss wipes a tear, "Why are these kids even hanging out with him? All he's doing is yelling at them all day! He's like a junior Sam Kinison!", before several clips of the main kid in the ad yelling commands like a construction foreman again.
"YEAH!", team RWBY repeated, before saying the next quote the kid says, "MOVE!", repeating the third quote, "GO!", and lastly with 'Bake!' once again, "BAKE! What?"
Ruby finishes her review on this ad, "The boy would be like, "I have to support a wife and kids working with you bozos, so let's get it right!"", the commercial ending.
TRANSFORMERS INSECTICONS
"Hell, yeah! Transformers! These were the coolest toys out there, even if they did take an hour to figure out how the fuck they worked! They were still awesome, and we loved every minute of it. Despite the Transformers movies. The coolest one of these commercials was the Insecticons, the robots that looked like insects.", Yang fist-pumps, the start of the Transformers commercial beginning.
Blake reasons, "Why? Because, goddamn it, we like to think Tom Hanks influenced something in the movie Big.", before a short clip from Big is shown.
"Yeah, we heard this idea, we thought this was awesome! And it kicked ass to suddenly see these things around.", pro-ed Weiss.
Ruby agrees while the commercial shows the Transformers theme song heard, "Something that used to be in every Transformers commercial was an awesome but kind of creepy moment when the kids would say their Robots in Disguise line.", the ad showing a kid saying Robots in Disguise, with glowing green eyes and a low voice.
"Jesus!", spooked Yang in fright with Ruby, Blake and Weiss. "We mean, it's cool, but it's also pretty freaky. It's like the kid got possessed by the Devil or something, but it isn't.", she supposes, the announcer ending the Transformers ad.
CONNECT FOUR
"Yeah, can't go wrong with this game, and the song, it turns out, was pretty catchy too. If you haven't played this game, then you have no childhood. The game was entertaining then, and it's still entertaining now, if you're waiting for the dentist and they have it in the little toy basket.", Blake admitted at the start of the Connect Four commercial review.
Weiss smiled, "But to be honest, it still counts!", the commercial with the kids singing the Connect Four song.
"Kind of a lame joke they would do is that they would find as many puns they can do with the word four.", Ruby conned, the song in the ad continuing with a knight and a chef joining.
Yang smirks, "Yeah, those were good, but let's see how far we can really push it for this song. Imagine if Aragorn, Abraham Lincoln, Ronnie Barker and a general took part in Connect Four?", the commercial showing the conclusion of the Connect Four song with the four said references appearing as a edit.
"What else can you say about a solid game with a solid ad?", Blake shrugs and asks happily, the ad ending.
CHIA PETS
"Behold, the most boring thing in the entire freakin' world!", Weiss shouted when the Chia Pets ad starts, "We were fascinated by kids who had Chia Pet. You know how they say something is so boring, that they'd rather watch grass grow? Well, now they made a toy out of it! They made a toy out of watching grass grow!"
Ruby shocked, "That's how bored apparently we got! And just look at the incredible selection they have.", the commercial showing the Chia Pet selections, like teddy bears, puppies, rams, kittens, even Chia trees.
"Tree? They actually put a tree in there? It's already a fucking tree! It does nothing except grow! That's all a tree does!", ranted Yang, the jingle of Chia Pets heard in the ad.
Blake groans, "If you liked it, good for you. But don't be surprised if you have a sudden fascination with Chia Paint Dry. And for the love of God, don't invite your friends over to watch it. It's a complete waste of time. You will be pitied. Like us. For most.", the commercial continuing with the announcer singing Ch-ch-ch-chia.
"Ba-ba-ba-ba-bullshit.", sang Weiss, the other three nodding in agreement.
MICRO MACHINES
"Oh, this guy named John Moschitta Jr. is awesome! He started off as the Fed-Ex man and moved onto a toy called Micro Machines, which, sadly, we don't think they exist anymore.", started Ruby, the ad showing John Moschitta Jr. presenting the Micro Machine toys in a fast tone.
Yang describes, "This guy is an advertiser's dream come true. He gets out all the information you need in seconds. Literally seconds."
"Every time he came on TV, you felt like you were doing ecstasy. Everything just seemed so fast, that everything else moved in slow-motion after he was done. Besides, it's very confusing and misunderstanding as hell!", Blake facts one of the issues in the ad when it then shows the celebrity talking fast about the Micro Machines description.
Weiss relieves, "Thank God this guy doesn't do audiobooks. That way it would've been much worse if he was talking fast like a sports car.", after a portion of the commercial was shown again, "Me and Blake prefer books better. Even I like coffee and she likes tea."
"We know. The toys were awesome, and this guy was awesome. Let's hope they make a comeback sometime soon, better and less fast.", gleed Ruby as the ad ends with John finishing off by saying the Micro Machines.
ECTO-COOLER
"Again, speaking of awesome, why the hell is there no more Ecto-Cooler in the world? This was like, the coolest drink ever, and by God, it was the only good thing that snotbubble Smiler ever produced.", Yang reminded when the Ecto-Cooler commercial started.
Blake asks, "Though, speaking of which, what are we supposed to assume that stuff is? We mean, did the best thing to come out of Slimer literally come out of Slimer? It could be ectoplasm, or- Oh my god, we could be drinking Slimer splooge!", fearing the last part.
Weiss jumped into Blake's arms and was disgusted by the thought, "Urgh, we don't want to think about it! That's disgustingly inappropriate. Just think of it as ectoplasm.", as her girlfriend apologizes.
"Ah, screw it. Whatever it was, it was incredible, and it lasted a real long time. But at some point, they discontinued it, and by God, were we pissed off!", enraged Ruby.
Yang rumored, "We also heard there's a new remake of Ghostbusters, and we're telling you right now, if they do not do a crossover with Ghostbusters 3 and bring Ecto-Cooler back, somebody really will be a fucking ghost.", threateningly a bit as the Ecto-Cooler ad ends.
WET BANANA
"Uhhh...", Blake uncomfortably says when the Wet Banana ad started with the water slip n' slide product's introduction and the kid Billy playing with it. "Okay? Yes, be like Billy and take a ride on the Wet Banana. Sure.", the Faunus girl then said, smiling a bit whilst unsure.
Weiss laughs, "Yes, dripping and sliding is a very good thing to do with your Wet Banana.", agreeing with Blake.
"A very special kinda gang, but yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed.", philosophies Ruby, about to sip a glass of water, before when the announcer notices a woman slip n' sliding on the Wet Banana, this shocks Yang, Blake and Weiss while Ruby spit takes in shock as well.
Yang acted, "MOM! Get off my Wet Banana! ...Oh, wait. What would Dad say?"
"Raven and Tai's not here. And my, MY, that's a fucking big banana!", Blake corrected and reacted after they learned that the regular Wet Banana is 25 feet long, while the super slide version is 30 feet long. "Caution. May hurt some women.", she concluded this ad review, with the announcer ends this commercial.
FRAGGLE ROCK PSA
"We love Fraggle Rock! Then why did you turn it off?", wondered Weiss in the start of the PSA with the boy saying he loves Fraggle Rock after he turned off the TV showing said show.
Ruby and Yang loved this, "Ah, yes, the TV that actually encourages you to read. That's something you don't see very often."
"The TV would be like, "I'm so confident you won't stop watching me, that I'm just giving you books! You can't rid your addiction of me! I won't die until the Internet's invented! I got 10 more years, suckers!", thanks to PSA meanings.", Blake and Weiss said and pondered, "No wonder. Commercial may be made in the 70's or sometime around that.", before the Fraggle Rock PSA concludes.
MAGIC POTTY BABY
FINAL COMMERCIAL OF THE CHAPTER
"Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you're ahead, commercial! You might be able to see it if you stop now!", Ruby halts once the commercial of Magic Potty Baby starts, and it shows two girls playing with the baby doll, shown peeing on the potty.
Team RWBY grunt in disgust and discomfort, "OH! NASTY!", the announcer in the ad telling the viewer that it's fun to help the baby doll potty.
"No, it's not! IT'S FUCKING GROSS!", Yang replied.
Blake mentioned and supported for Yang, "God, and they can say some boys can be disgusting! Not all of them, but ew!", relating to the magic potty baby.
"Don't kiss it, you don't know where it's been! For sanitary occasions.", Weiss comments the next part when one of the two girls kiss the doll on the cheek.
Ruby finishes up the last commercial of this first chapter when the announcer says the Magic Potty Baby and company before ending the ad, "Just pray that thing doesn't go to Number 2."
"Okay, so that was our first commercial review. There! We spent all a half-hour not watching nostalgia movies and TV shows. Just commercials.", team RWBY all concluded on their first commercial review chapter.
"Again, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...And I'm Weiss."
"We remember it so you don't have to! We hope to do another one of these commercial reviews again! See you guys later!", team RWBY greeted goodbye, "Now that it's over with for today, we should need to clean up our room after last night's sleepover hangover.", the four then said as they start helping clean up the room.
End of Episode I: Commercials (AKA: After These Messages...)
This is only the beginning! More review chapter episodes coming soon!