Note:
The language, or content in this piece is not appropriate for immature audiences. An R rating is strongly in place for mature implications, content and some mature language (under 15 words I do believe). Though none of this prose is explicitly graphic, the topic which it discusses is perhaps inappropriate for younger readers. I as the author would strongly advise any persons whom are not comfortable with the foresaid to not read the following.
What I am
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover.
I'm a child, I'm a mother.
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.
I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell, I'm your dream.
I'm nothing in between.
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease.
I'm a goddess on my knees.
Bitch- Meredith Brooks
It seems like I almost get thing straightened out, and then I hear from you. I used to look forward to hearing your voice, now I avoid it. You only bring me pain. Last time i saw you, it seems like yesterday. Separated for days yet I missed you so. Now its been longer, more than a month, and yet I barely miss your face. I remember what you look like. Through my eyes, and under my hands.
How can I despise you so much? How can I curse your name when all I really want is to have you hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? I tell myself I hate you. I try to convince my mind I don't needs you. What my mind can decide, my body defies. The aching loss of how much I need you never leaves.
I can taste your mouth. I used to worship your mouth. So talented and attentive, always rough yet comforting, making me want more while I drown in what you have already been given. You light me on fire . My body burns and my soul begs to follow, but it can't.
You're leaving tomorrow, this I know. Leaving me and there is nothing I can do about it. Its not your fault. No, I mustn't blame you. This is what you do, your livelihood. You cannot ignore the call. What a disgusting wench I am that I want you for myself. But is it so vile to love you?
I know I can never have you, why won't you give me closure? Before this whole mess started, I told you it was fine. I didn't mind being a plaything, that was really quite alright. You told me that I wasn't. You called me friend, though far more. And I trusted you.
You took me. You took my last line of defense. Then I was yours and begged to be given a name. To be your whore would be better than to not know where I stand.
You ripped right through my innocence, taking all I could give. What's worse you made me like it. I loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. This pain is one that neither food nor drink can quench.
I beg you to name me, you deny me the right. At least if I were a slut, yours for the taking, well then maybe I wouldn't feel so trite. You gave me a taste. Now I cannot get enough. I need you; mind, soul and body all need you.
Next time, it will be the same. I already know I cannot resist. Why can I not turn away what will only hurt me? Why must I want and need you so?
I beg you now, now that we speak. I beg you to tell me the truth my ears need to hear. "The truth is only what the listener believes." I want to believe. I want to believe that I am nothing. It would be easier for both of us that way.
Yet the moment I hear your voice, my mind goes into a numb oblivion. All I can think of is how much I want you. We joke and laugh, sharing past events. But it always goes the same. Our voices deepen with our lust, and the pain completely goes away.
All I can think of is how badly I need you. But I force myself not to say. You know. It doesn't matter what I say, you see through my defenses. We are one in the same, and you can feel my heart breaking. Ignore it, IGNORE IT! I am nothing. You don't care! I know you don't!
But you sooth me. You pacify my thoughts with your words, and I slip away again. You are all I can see. You are all I want.
I slide willingly into your web. This is what I need. You are what I need. My voice catches. I clear it as best I can, trying to make it go away. But you have stirred this monster once again. I feel the room grow warmer, my wits are dull, defenses weak.
You'll take me again, shred these weak barriers I have assembled. I beg you, pleading with what strength I have left. No, you won't listen, you never do. You know how desperately I need you.
Only as you voice your release, caught in a moment of weakness do the bindings of your spell weaken. I awake as if from a daze. My body is pacified filled with you, needing nothing more, but my soul is blemished. Scarred and scared, wishing this were true. While my body can't help but enjoy your warmth and comfort my brain screams at me to get away. But I don't want to leave.
I want to stay with you forever. I want to love you. I want you to love me. I would do anything for you, anything you asked of me. But my efforts at incantations are wiped from the air with your first coherent syllable.
You're so much stronger than me, your body and your soul. I don't deserve you, of this I am sure. You sooth me and kiss me. Once more I am washed away into the endless seas of nothingness. God I don't deserve you.
This is how it was meant to be. I am yours, you mine. Even if it is only for this short time, this is sheer perfection. Wrapped together, a warm glow of fulfillment nearly visible in the air. I'm ready to stay, and your ready to leave.
I want to beg you not to go. I know I could please you more. I want to kiss you and melt into you once more, repaying your accomplishments upon me. You kiss me lightly smoothing my disheveled hair. I look into your eyes and I can see your soul. I want to touch your soul. I don't have the power. You are a god, standing proudly. If I were a goddess I would be on my knees before you.
Now I'm alone. You are gone once more. I remind myself I don't need you. Day, I don't need you. Hour, I don't need you. Minute, I don't need you. My mind screams for reverie. Delusions are no better.
Yes my body needs you, but my mind is still too strong. I must built up my defenses. I cannot let you breach my barriers again. I cannot let you in, but I want you in. NO!!!!
You don't love me! You can never love me. How could you ever love me? You tell me to let go. You say I should just forget. I try to let you go, try I really do, but you never leave me.
I beg you to dismiss me, harlot nothing more. You're voice breaks, though I cannot see your face I hear the tear slide down your cheek. This is a silent weakness, god no. You can't want me. You don't want me. Please don't want me.
It would be much easier. Life would be simple. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you hate me damn it!! Call me names, slap my face. Make me cry, give me a reason to hate you!
You won't. If you can I do not know. I tell myself you're pretending to let me save face. You've always been my friend, that's all your doing consoling me. I hear you clear your throat. I can almost see the tear though your a thousand miles away and I am lost. I do not know where you stand, and you will not say.
I plead, if you care for me at all, if I have ever been your friend you will give me my name. Bitch. PLEASE! Yet your voice breaks again, I hear these sounds com from your lips, and I begin to cry.
"The truth is only what the listener believes." you say it again.
The listener only knows to believe what those I trust say. Mean it, MEAN it!
"I can't mean it"
You can mean it. You will mean it damn it! I AM NOTHING! I'm your whore! I'm your bitch, your slut. I'm a fuck-toy! A soulless object. Name me, get it over with. Name me and cast me aside so you won't rip out my heart only to hold it breaking in your hand. Demean me and leave me to die alone and in exile and misery. Give me the closure of solitude if I cannot have you. Don't do this do me, don't..... Leave me and let me live.
"I'll call you next week. Take care" With this you seal my fate.
Oh lord, what can I do?
The language, or content in this piece is not appropriate for immature audiences. An R rating is strongly in place for mature implications, content and some mature language (under 15 words I do believe). Though none of this prose is explicitly graphic, the topic which it discusses is perhaps inappropriate for younger readers. I as the author would strongly advise any persons whom are not comfortable with the foresaid to not read the following.
What I am
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover.
I'm a child, I'm a mother.
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.
I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell, I'm your dream.
I'm nothing in between.
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease.
I'm a goddess on my knees.
Bitch- Meredith Brooks
It seems like I almost get thing straightened out, and then I hear from you. I used to look forward to hearing your voice, now I avoid it. You only bring me pain. Last time i saw you, it seems like yesterday. Separated for days yet I missed you so. Now its been longer, more than a month, and yet I barely miss your face. I remember what you look like. Through my eyes, and under my hands.
How can I despise you so much? How can I curse your name when all I really want is to have you hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? I tell myself I hate you. I try to convince my mind I don't needs you. What my mind can decide, my body defies. The aching loss of how much I need you never leaves.
I can taste your mouth. I used to worship your mouth. So talented and attentive, always rough yet comforting, making me want more while I drown in what you have already been given. You light me on fire . My body burns and my soul begs to follow, but it can't.
You're leaving tomorrow, this I know. Leaving me and there is nothing I can do about it. Its not your fault. No, I mustn't blame you. This is what you do, your livelihood. You cannot ignore the call. What a disgusting wench I am that I want you for myself. But is it so vile to love you?
I know I can never have you, why won't you give me closure? Before this whole mess started, I told you it was fine. I didn't mind being a plaything, that was really quite alright. You told me that I wasn't. You called me friend, though far more. And I trusted you.
You took me. You took my last line of defense. Then I was yours and begged to be given a name. To be your whore would be better than to not know where I stand.
You ripped right through my innocence, taking all I could give. What's worse you made me like it. I loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. This pain is one that neither food nor drink can quench.
I beg you to name me, you deny me the right. At least if I were a slut, yours for the taking, well then maybe I wouldn't feel so trite. You gave me a taste. Now I cannot get enough. I need you; mind, soul and body all need you.
Next time, it will be the same. I already know I cannot resist. Why can I not turn away what will only hurt me? Why must I want and need you so?
I beg you now, now that we speak. I beg you to tell me the truth my ears need to hear. "The truth is only what the listener believes." I want to believe. I want to believe that I am nothing. It would be easier for both of us that way.
Yet the moment I hear your voice, my mind goes into a numb oblivion. All I can think of is how much I want you. We joke and laugh, sharing past events. But it always goes the same. Our voices deepen with our lust, and the pain completely goes away.
All I can think of is how badly I need you. But I force myself not to say. You know. It doesn't matter what I say, you see through my defenses. We are one in the same, and you can feel my heart breaking. Ignore it, IGNORE IT! I am nothing. You don't care! I know you don't!
But you sooth me. You pacify my thoughts with your words, and I slip away again. You are all I can see. You are all I want.
I slide willingly into your web. This is what I need. You are what I need. My voice catches. I clear it as best I can, trying to make it go away. But you have stirred this monster once again. I feel the room grow warmer, my wits are dull, defenses weak.
You'll take me again, shred these weak barriers I have assembled. I beg you, pleading with what strength I have left. No, you won't listen, you never do. You know how desperately I need you.
Only as you voice your release, caught in a moment of weakness do the bindings of your spell weaken. I awake as if from a daze. My body is pacified filled with you, needing nothing more, but my soul is blemished. Scarred and scared, wishing this were true. While my body can't help but enjoy your warmth and comfort my brain screams at me to get away. But I don't want to leave.
I want to stay with you forever. I want to love you. I want you to love me. I would do anything for you, anything you asked of me. But my efforts at incantations are wiped from the air with your first coherent syllable.
You're so much stronger than me, your body and your soul. I don't deserve you, of this I am sure. You sooth me and kiss me. Once more I am washed away into the endless seas of nothingness. God I don't deserve you.
This is how it was meant to be. I am yours, you mine. Even if it is only for this short time, this is sheer perfection. Wrapped together, a warm glow of fulfillment nearly visible in the air. I'm ready to stay, and your ready to leave.
I want to beg you not to go. I know I could please you more. I want to kiss you and melt into you once more, repaying your accomplishments upon me. You kiss me lightly smoothing my disheveled hair. I look into your eyes and I can see your soul. I want to touch your soul. I don't have the power. You are a god, standing proudly. If I were a goddess I would be on my knees before you.
Now I'm alone. You are gone once more. I remind myself I don't need you. Day, I don't need you. Hour, I don't need you. Minute, I don't need you. My mind screams for reverie. Delusions are no better.
Yes my body needs you, but my mind is still too strong. I must built up my defenses. I cannot let you breach my barriers again. I cannot let you in, but I want you in. NO!!!!
You don't love me! You can never love me. How could you ever love me? You tell me to let go. You say I should just forget. I try to let you go, try I really do, but you never leave me.
I beg you to dismiss me, harlot nothing more. You're voice breaks, though I cannot see your face I hear the tear slide down your cheek. This is a silent weakness, god no. You can't want me. You don't want me. Please don't want me.
It would be much easier. Life would be simple. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you hate me damn it!! Call me names, slap my face. Make me cry, give me a reason to hate you!
You won't. If you can I do not know. I tell myself you're pretending to let me save face. You've always been my friend, that's all your doing consoling me. I hear you clear your throat. I can almost see the tear though your a thousand miles away and I am lost. I do not know where you stand, and you will not say.
I plead, if you care for me at all, if I have ever been your friend you will give me my name. Bitch. PLEASE! Yet your voice breaks again, I hear these sounds com from your lips, and I begin to cry.
"The truth is only what the listener believes." you say it again.
The listener only knows to believe what those I trust say. Mean it, MEAN it!
"I can't mean it"
You can mean it. You will mean it damn it! I AM NOTHING! I'm your whore! I'm your bitch, your slut. I'm a fuck-toy! A soulless object. Name me, get it over with. Name me and cast me aside so you won't rip out my heart only to hold it breaking in your hand. Demean me and leave me to die alone and in exile and misery. Give me the closure of solitude if I cannot have you. Don't do this do me, don't..... Leave me and let me live.
"I'll call you next week. Take care" With this you seal my fate.
Oh lord, what can I do?