The Most Tragic Tale Ever Told

Once upon a time, there lived in a land called England the most beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking, and all around amazingly awesome girl ever. But alas and woe was her, for she lived with cruel and vicious parents who loved nothing more than to burden her with icky chores like cleaning the kitchen and taking out the garbage. Worst of all, they insisted on calling her by the oh so boring name that she had been given at birth. 'Wanda.' Really, what sort of name was that for one as beautifully perfect as she? Instead, she decided to give herself a name that was more appropriate for one of her beauty and perfection. "From now on," she told her cruel and vicious tormentors after they had dared to scold her for not dusting (even though you could grow vegetables in the dirt accumulating in her room), "I will no longer answer to the name Wanda. It is simply far too common for one as wonderfully perfect and angst-filled as moi. My new name is now Heaven Raegan Morningstar Isabella Aailyah Chantal Delacy Valentine, but you may call me Princess! And I expect to be treated like one!"

Her parents keeled over in shock at the hideous string of names, and therefore will no longer play a part in this story. But really, who cares about other characters?

Heaven Raegan was thrilled to finally be free of their cruel and vicious tyranny. Now she could spend the day doing important things, like combing her long, luxurious, blonde, beautiful hair that flowed like a golden shimmering waterfall down her perfectly formed back. She could also spend more time gazing in admiration at her perfectly pale, translucent face, with its ruby red lips just made for kissing, a pert little nose, and crystal clear blue eyes that reflected the inner depths of her angst-filled soul. 'Oh, is there no one on earth that can understand the pain I feel every night?'

Her neck was white and swan like, and her body was slim yet elegantly muscled, despite the fact that she'd never done a day's work in her life. Her breasts were perfectly rounded, and also quite large.

She wore a dress of deepest darkest blue that flowed down over her long, smooth, perfectly tanned legs to stop at her small, delicate feet. Her hands too were small, and not a nail was chipped or broken.

But, alas, for there was no one that understood the tragedy that was her life. She only had one outlet, writing poetry.

"I wish I was a star

Then I'd have a car

See the Crimson Blood

I'm going to Heaven."

Unfortunately, she was unable to realize that her poetry was god-awful. But, she had other hobbies! She was a model, an actress, a singer, she played the violin, and she even won a scholarship to every single prestigious University. For, you see, Heaven Raegan was a super-genius. She spoke twelve languages, knew advanced calculus, and had invented a way to make gold out of toilet paper! There was nothing she couldn't do, and yet, as I've said before, her life was empty and meaningless, because….drum roll please…SHE WAS ALL ALONE!

"Nobody loves me! I cannot find one as perfect as I am, no matter how hard I try! Oh, woe, woe, and thrice woe!"

Then one night, she saw Alice in Wonderland. As she watched the movie, she couldn't help but feel a close kinship with the Mad Hatter. Here, at last, was a man that she felt would be able to understand what a truly tragic life she had led! She left the theater determined that she would find the Rabbit Hole, and once she was in Wonderland, she'd move mountains to get to her beloved Hatter!

Strangely enough, she did find a huge hole. Where and how isn't important, since any details that weren't about her were irrelevant, but I digress. As I say, she found a Hole.

"My love, my Hatter, I am coming down to see you! Wait for me, you gorgeous madman! Your One True Love! I'm coming!"

She flung herself down the hole, her mind and soul singing with the delicious prospect of holding the beautiful Mad Hatter in her lily-white arms and clutching him to her perfect bosom.

The last thing she saw was the ground coming towards her at a very high speed.

And back in Underland, Tarrant Hightopp awoke from a very strange and horrifying dream. He blinked, and then looked over at his sleeping wife, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Strange things, dreams."

Author's Note: I've had this floating around in my head for a while. I was going to wait and post it April Fool's Day, but it just kept gnawing at me, so here it is. (And I do feel sorry for poor Tarrant in this.)

P.S.: Heaven Whatserface scored 112 on a Mary Sue Test. *Dances* I made an Uber! Sue!