Hola. So, I recently played the Citadel DLC for the second time, and it occurred to me that this is the first time Cortez and Joker have ever interacted with each other onscreen. I thought the whole pilot VS. pilot dynamic was interesting, and it kinda snowballed from there. I've always wanted to write a story about Joker, but I've never known who to pair him with.
Be advised: Yes, Steve and Joker get together in this story (weird, I know), so yes it is a slash fic. I think it's fairly self-evident, but don't proceed if you don't like slash.
Driving Mr. Moreau
By Ostronaut
-x-x-x-
Chapter One
"It's about time, Joker," quipped Cortez exasperatedly.
Joker's skycar eased to a stop, it's doors slowly hissing open. He had just raced over from the docks, having dropped off Shepard, Garrus and EDI to retake the Normandy. "Stow it, LT," he grumbled. "I got here as fast as I could." It was bad enough being threatened with losing his ship, Joker didn't need some smart ass shuttle pilot hassling him.
Without warning, all seven crewmembers rushed toward the skycar. Joker recoiled as they all crowded around him.
"Hmm, this isn't going to work," Liara said pensively, after everyone had stopped shoving each other. "We won't all fit in here."
"We don't have time for this crap!" Wrex growled. "We have to get to the Normandy now!"
It was true; there wasn't really room for more than three passengers, especially if one of them was a five hundred-pound krogan.
"Here," Tali said, and everyone turned to see she had moved away from the group. "There's another car here. I can probably hack the locks and get us in."
"Great!" said Cortez. "I'll take the second car with half the team, and we'll rendezvous at the docks. That is, if Joker makes it."
"Oh I'll make it, don't worry about me, flyboy," Joker retorted, crossing his arms. "In fact, I bet I can beat you there."
Cortez smirked. "Is that a challenge, Mr. Moreau?" he said. "Fine, you're on."
"I hope you can fly a skycar better than you fly a shuttle. I don't think shuttle 2 has recovered from Mars yet, has it?"
"That was Mr. Vega's doing, thank you very much. And at least I never crashed the Normandy into a Collector Base."
"How are those locks coming?" Liara interjected loudly. "Tali?"
"Smart ass," Joker mumbled.
"I think I've got it... there! We're good to go!"
"Niiice!" James said. "I call Esteban's car! Ash, you comin' with?"
"Shotgun!" Tali called out.
"Aw what? No fair, I was gonna call it."
Tali turned on James and pulled out her M-27 Scimitar. "I said, shotgun," she said in a low voice.
James held his hands up and backed away. "Okay, okay. Easy does it, Sparks."
"Time's wasting," Wrex said. "Let's move, princesses." He started toward Joker's car (much to his dismay), with Liara and Javik following close behind. Wrex sent a grin over his shoulder to Liara. "Aren't you lucky. You get to ride with this handsome krogan."
"Thank the goddess," Liara said, rolling her eyes but returning the grin.
"I'm surrounded by... primitives," Javik muttered, covering his nose as he climbed into the car."
As soon as the three had settled into their seats, Joker activated the thrusters and took off, closing the doors only as they started to ascend. There came a loud crackle over the skycar's comm.
"That's cheating!" Cortez said.
"Sorry, Cortez," Joker replied, "didn't have time for my pre-flight check, I've got a ship that needs saving."
Despite the damage it had taken in the Battle of the Citadel, Zakera Ward was still riddled with skyscrapers. Joker was grateful he was piloting something more maneuverable than a frigate, but it was still surprisingly challenging navigating Zakera's crowded skyline. As soon as Joker found a clear path, another building would suddenly appear, forcing him to bank hard to the side to avoid it.
"Goddess," Liara muttered. "You're a worse driver than Shepard! And he almost hit a truck. Twice!"
Joker ignored the comment, keeping his focus on driving. In the distance, he could see the edges of the ward arm tapering; they were nearing the docks, which stood near the Presidium. "T-minus thirty, people. Get ready," he said.
The luminescent, crisscrossing blue lines of the docks barrier field came into view, as well as—
"The Normandy! Shit, it's taking off!"
Joker had barely made it to the docks as the Normandy pulled out. He hit the door controls, and everyone clambered out. As Joker got shakily to his feet, he looked up and felt his stomach drop. Cortez and his team were already waiting.
"What?! But how did you— what did you— how is this... shit!"
"You know, I can fly fighters and Hammerheads too," Steve said smugly, folding his arms and cocking his hip.
"Yeah, okay, wonderful," Joker said. "Just get into my car and let's go. The Normandy just took off, in case you didn't notice.
"Uh-uh," Cortez said, grinning. He slid back into his car and patted the seat next to him. "I won the race, I get to drive. Hop in."
"He's right, you know," Tali said.
"Fair's fair," added Ashley.
Joker grunted. "Fine, we don't have time to argue. Let's go, shuttle guy." He hobbled over to Cortez's car as fast as he could. "We'll try to catch up to the Normandy," he called out to the rest of the crew. "Clean up any ground forces, and see if you can get through to Citadel Defense. Maybe we can get them to close up the arms or something." He threw himself into the passenger seat, and the door came down.
Cortez had the shuttle back in the air within seconds. "So, what's the plan?" he asked.
"You're asking me?" Joker exclaimed. "You volunteer to drive without having a plan?"
"Hey, that's what the navigator is for. I drive, you direct."
Joker sighed. "Fine, just get in front of the Normandy. We'll block her path."
"Block her path? We're in a skycar!"
"Just do it!"
Cortez cranked the thrusters full blast and sped after the Normandy. Thankfully, the Normandy wasn't going nearly as fast as it should have been. Whoever piloting it was clearly an amateur.
Joker clenched his hands over his seat rests anxiously, watching the Normandy slowly inch closer. Suddenly, a long stream of cars zipped by in the opposite direction, and Joker plastered himself against his seat, eyes wide.
"Are you going down a major road?" he asked loudly.
"Yeah, it's the fastest way to get to the Normandy," Cortez replied.
"But we're going against the traffic! Shouldn't we take a back road?"
"Ah, so that's what took you so long," Cortez said, looking at Joker and grinning.
"Eyes on the road!" Joker squealed.
Cars and buildings zoomed by, far too closely for Joker's liking. Barely ten seconds had passed before Joker lost count of how many times he thought they were going to die, but he looked over at Cortez, who was sitting calmly in his seat, swiping at the controls leisurely. In fact, Joker almost thought he could see Cortez smiling.
To Joker's immense relief, they were soon within the shadow of the Normandy. They sped along under it until Steve pulled up and came up level with the ship.
"So what's your brilliant plan?" Cortez asked, looking over his shoulder uneasily.
"I'll bet they're planning to hit FTL," Joker said. "We have to stop that from happening."
"How?"
"Just stay in front of—"
Joker didn't get to finish his sentence as a building to the right of their car ignited from an impact from the Normandy's Thanix Cannons. Both he and Cortez let out a yelp of surprise.
"They're gonna gun us down!" Cortez exclaimed.
"No, they're not," Joker said, waving a hand.
Another blast totaled a tower behind them. Cortez banked the skycar left and right, doing his best to dodge the Normandy's fire.
"You need to stay within thirty degrees of the nose to block course plotting," Joker said.
"That makes us a perfect target!"
"No, that makes us the bait! Do you want me to drive?"
"No!"
Everything suddenly shifted 90 degrees, and Joker clamped his eyes shut as a pair of towers raced toward them. He waited for the car to level itself again when an explosion ripped through the air. Wincing, Joker cracked open one eye. Miraculously, the car was still in once piece and was once again righting itself, but the two buildings they had just passed were falling apart. He craned his neck to look behind him and was just in time to catch the bottom of the Normandy's hull scraping against the taller of the two towers.
"Dammit! We just repainted!" Joker groaned.
"Shit!" Cortez exclaimed.
Joker whipped around again to see a bridge connecting two buildings fast approaching. He would deny it later, but he started screaming. The skycar pitched downward, and they were suddenly hurtling toward the ground, and Joker's screaming went up an octave. They had dipped under the bridge just in time, and Cortez slowly eased the car back up.
"Yeesh, I'd hate to ride with you with the inertia dampeners turned off."
Joker shot him an offended glare.
They both jumped when Commander Shepard's voice came over the radio. He sounded slightly out of breath. "The other me has been taken care of," he announced. "We're reactivating EDI now."
Joker cupped his face in his hands and let out a long breath. "Thank god."
Within a couple of minutes, the Normandy ceased its pursuit and slowed down. It made a wide U-turn and headed back toward the docks. Cortez followed suit. He pulled the car up above the skyline and initiated the autopilot. Then, he sank back into his seat.
"Well," he said. "This car is no Hammerhead, but that was fun."
Joker looked at Cortez incredulously, but before he could say anything, he felt a chuckle bubble up from his gut. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth and he started laughing. "That was… insane!" Joker said. "Where did you learn how to fly like that? Are all shuttle pilots trained in dogfighting now?"
Cortez smiled modestly at Joker and shrugged his shoulders. "I wasn't always a shuttle pilot. I used to be a fighter pilot, flying F-61 Tridents while serving aboard the SSV Hawking."
Joker didn't see that coming. "Well shit," he said. "That's not something you hear every day."
The Normandy pulled into its usual docking bay, D24. Cortez drove the skycar to one of the auxiliary landing pads.
As the doors lifted open, Joker held onto his seat and the dashboard for support and pulled himself up. Getting in and out of cars wasn't always the easiest for him. The car rocked slightly as Cortez got out, and to his dismay, Joker toppled over.
"Are you really that disoriented for my driving?" Cortez laughed as he walked over to Joker.
Joker looked up at him disparagingly. "I'm fine," he said.
Cortez helped Joker to his feet, and they made their way to the boarding ramp, where Shepard and his fireteam were reuniting with the rest of the crew.
"We saw the whole thing from here," Tali said excitedly. "It was amazing!"
"Indeed," Javik added. "It would almost be considered decent by Prothean standards."
"Psshh, forget that," Ashley said. "That was seriously impressive! Joker, was that you flying?"
Joker smirked. "I'd like to take credit, but it was all this guy."
Sounds of surprise and amazement went through the crew as they shook Cortez's hand and patted him on the shoulder, and they all started making their way into the shuttle bay. Joker hobbled along behind them. He wasn't jealous. Not really.
"Looks like they weren't here long enough to do much real damage," Cortez said, appraising the ship. "Although, I may need some help from James cleaning up the damage to the shuttle bay."
"Aw come on, Esteban," James said. "All work and no play? We're on shore leave."
"And while we're on shore leave, the Normandy is supposed to be undergoing maintenance."
"We'll be docked for a while yet," Shepard said. "There's a lot of loose ends I have to tie up concerning this evil clone of mine. I'm sure you and Lieutenant Cortez will have plenty of time to enjoy yourselves while we're here."
"We'd better," James said, retreating to his area.
EDI's voice sounded over the ship's intercom. "I would appreciate Jeff's help on the bridge to restore full functionality to the Normandy."
"I should go down to engineering and see how Adams is doing," Tali said.
"And I should get to the main battery," Garrus chimed in. "I have a sinking feeling everything will need to be recalibrated."
"Looks like we've got some work to do," Shepard said. "Let's get the Normandy back in shape. As soon as we're done that, you're free to enjoy your shore leave."
Everyone voiced their agreement and started to head off to their posts. Joker made for the elevator. He paused, letting a few people pass him by as he turned around.
"Hey, Cortez!" he called out.
Cortez looked up from the dent in the wall he was inspecting.
"Nice flying," Joker said.
"Oh, you liked it?" Cortez said, grinning. "I couldn't tell from all the screaming you were doing."
Joker's face grew hot as he heard a few people around him chuckle. He turned on his heel and stalked into the elevator.
"Smart ass."
So that's that.
I hope you enjoyed this first installment, hopefully I'll have chapter two up soon.
Two things I really appreciated about the Citadel DLC was the absolutely hilarious dialogue, and the fact that the whole team is onscreen at once a lot of the time, so I wanted to channel that in some of the dialogue in the beginning, where everyone kinda gets their own little line. The following chapters will probably focus more on Steve and Joker, so there may be less of that.
Let me know what you think! I know, this is a really unconventional pairing, but I have a certain proclivity for weird pairings. I like canon pairings too, but there's already so much written on those. Leave me a review and tell me what you think of this pairing. What would we call it? Jortez? Corter? Jeve? I don't know!