Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and never will.
Palpatine Returns
On Dagobah, in fact, in the very cave Luke faced a fake Darth Vader, A Sith named Darth Murder was about to die. As he died, he sent out a powerful Force blow. Out near Endor bits and pieces of vaporized matter began to pull together. At that moment, Star Destroyer Revenge jumped out of hyperspace in time for the carnage to come together. An Admiral, who had black hair, black eyes and black clothes, was walking down the bridge towards a hotdog stand. His name was Admiral Doom. Suddenly, a hunched-over, robed figure appeared in front of Doom.
Surprised, Admiral Doom jumped backwards and cried out, "Sith!"
The figure, who we all know as Palpatine, nodded, "Yes?"
A confused Doom changed words, "Sith spawn!"
"I believe that would be Luke Skywalker." Palpatine spat. "By the way, who are you, what's your rank, what ship am I on and what's the date?"
Doom, who was too young to remember Palpatine, shook his head, "First you tell me who you are and how you got on board!"
"I am Emperor Palpatine and I have no idea how I got on board."
At this, Doom bowed, "Sorry, my Emperor. I am Admiral Doom. This is Star Destroyer Revenge. It has been twenty years since the destruction of Alderaan."
Palpatine looked around quickly for a chair as he was about to faint. "Twenty years?!" He saw a hotdog vender sitting on a beach chair and used Force lightning on him to get him to move. Then Palpatine plopped down.
"Is this a problem, My lord?" Doom asked as he helped medics pick the vendor's pieces off the floor.
Palpatine frowned, "Yes this is a problem! Is Mara Jade and/or Luke Skywalker still alive?"
Doom, who was looking even more confused, if that was possible, asked yet another question, "Why?"
"Just find out!" Palpatine yelled. Doom started to run away, Palpatine calling after him, "And get me a better chair!"
Palpatine now sat in a chair much like the one he had on the Death Star II. So much like it Palpatine got a bad feeling just by looking at it. But, he sat in it anyway. Admiral Doom walked in, "My Emperor, I have descovered that Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade are still alive."
Palpatine grinned, "Wonderful." Doom thought he looked like an evil, wrinkled cat. "Now get me a holo connection to Mara Jade. I would like to hire her to assasanate Skywalker."
Doom nervously said, "My Emperor, there is something you must know..."
"Tell me later." Palpatine interupted. "Now connect me to Jade!"
Doom bowed, "As you wish."
Luke Skywalker was playing with Ben in the kitchen. But, truth be known, he was attempting to teach Ben to levitate a spoon. Mara was straightening the lounge when the hologram machine began beeping. She turned it on and a figure from her nightmares appeared. "Emperor Palpatine!?"
"Yes. It is me." He replied.
"I thought you were dead." Mara stated.
"No, no. I'm not dead. I have no idea how I came back, but I'm here. I assume you will willingly return to my services?" Palpatine asked.
Stunned, Mara nodded, "Uh... yes, of course."
"Good I want my revenge on Skywalker. You will kill Luke Skywalker."
Mara pushed back an urge to roll her eyes, "Again?" she murmered.
Palpatine cupped a hand to his ear, "What was that?"
Mara sensed something bad was about to happen so she quickly said, "I'll do it. I'm a bit busy right now, so I'll contact you later for details." She shut off the hologram just in time. There was a great crash from the kitchen. With a sigh, Mara walked in. Luke was on the floor holding Ben. There was a broken dish laying on the floor in pieces around them. Luke grinned up at Mara, "He did it, Mara! It wasn't a spoon, but he levitated... What's wrong?"
Mara shook her head, it wouldn't be a good time to tell him that Palpatine was still alive. "Nothing." She set about cleaning up the mess.
Suddenly am inflatable beachball hit the back of Admiral Doom's head. He turned sharply and said, "Cut that ou..." He trailed off as he saw it had been Palpatine throwing the ball.
Palpatine was dressed in shorts, sandles, a flower-pattern buttoned t-shirt and had sunglasses on. "Come on, Doom. We're going to the beach!"
"Beach...?" He asked, still as clueless as ever.
"Well, of course! That's where Skywalker's bound to be."
"My Emperor, he is a hero of the Rebel Alliance, and a Jedi. I don't think he'd be spending his days lazing about a beach." More queitly, he added, "Then again, I didn't think you'd be either."
Palpatine used the Force to bring the ball back to him, "Tatooine! That's where Skywalker's from. Sand.... beach?"
"I thought you were sending Jade after him?"
Palpatine sat in his chair, "Oh. Right. My memory isn't what it used to be."
One of the guards dressed in red suddenly said, "So, I guess this means we're not going to the beach?"
Both Palpatine and Admiral Doom stared at the guard, "You're for real?" Doom finally said. "I thought you were just some armor someone set up to look like we had more security."
"Oh. So that's why I quit getting paid."
Admiral Doom saw another hotdog vendor. "Ah, finally. Food." He said quietly. Doom walked over to the vendor and opened his mouth to ask for a hotdog, when Palpatine's voice interviened, "Doom!"
Doom looked between the vendor, who was dressed up like a clown, and Palpatine, who'd changed back into his customary black dress-robe-thing. With a sigh and a rumble of his stomach, Doom walked up to Palpatine, "My Emperor?"
"Get me a holo-connection to Jade. She's waited long enough, she should be done with whatever business she had going on. I need to give her the details of this next job."
Doom picked up his comlink and called the tech guys. After several minutes, Palpatine asked, "What is it? Why is it taking so long?"
In response, Doom started humming a soothing tune. A moment later, he said, "You're call is very important to us. Please stay on hold a few minutes longer." Then started humming again.
"What do you mean they've put me on hold?!" Palpatine stood, "I am Emperor Palpatine!" Enraged, Palpatine looked for a way to vent his anger. Spying the hotdog vendor, he sent blue electricity flying at the clown. The clown turned black and fell over in a pile of burnt pieces.
Admiral Doom sighed, and picked up his spare comlink and called the med station. "Uh, hello? This is Admiral Doom. We need a med team up here in the throne room, now."
"We're techs, not medics." Came the reply.
"Huh?" Admiral Doom asked.
"We're techs, not medics." The voice repeated.
Doom realized he was had finally been taken off hold. "Oh, hold on a minute, ok?"
"Ok." Came the happy reply, and immediatly the dull music started.
Doom quickly asked the med station to send a medteam up, then tried to get back to the techs, but they'd put him back on hold. Doom sat down on the clown's empty chair, but it collapsed, having been singed by Palpatine's lightning.
Palpatine paced back and forth, back and forth. Suddenly he stopped. "I'm hungry." Palpatine walked out of the room and down the bridge. At the end was a hotdog vendor. Palpatine bought a hotdog and went back to his throneroom. Doom stared at the hotdog hungerly, and was about to ask Palpatine if he could go buy one, but suddenly he was taken off hold.
After a few minutes of going round with the tech officer, Doom, feeling quite stupid, was finally able to get the guy to bring up a holo-connection. But they were experiancing technical difficulties, and it'd take several minutes to connect.
Palpatine sat in his chair, drumming his fingers on the arm. Finally, a staticy holo appeared and he called Jade.