Strategize, strategize...

Words: 1 618 Genre: Humour
Pairing(s): Cloud x Leon. Seriously. It's brewing.
Notes: Birthday fic for my dear, darling Xanthos Samurai, the most awesome Brigadier General in the world. One day, I shall buy you heavy doses of chocolate-flavoured crack because you made my world more psychedelic and shiny with yours. D: Anyways, I WONDER WHY THIS HAS NEVER OCCURED TO/WRITTEN BY ANY FAN OF THE CLC FANDOM BEFORE! They totally did this during that back-to-back scene in KH2. TOTALLY. D:
Warnings: None that's explicitly mentioned. Though that exclamation in my author's notes gives away a bit. Unless you count the crack. You probably should.
Rated: R for language. :)

I would like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read. Sorry.

A sharp blade sliced thinly through the air, so quick that it seemed as though it had hardly moved from its place.

Hot, laboured breaths drew out slowly, heavy with fatigue, resonating with each pulsating artery and vein as adrenaline seared through limb after limb with the intensity of molten steel. Each heartbeat was erratic, pounding mercilessly in its furious cry for air and blood, chests rising and falling cumbrously beneath the heavy harnesses of thick, durable clothing and sturdy armour.

With the agonizing tempo of a requiem, the stretch of tanned skin beneath his left cheekbone began to tear neatly in one firm line, cutting away deeply into the flesh until it lifted, wound growing shallow, and hewed away into thick air. A slow gurgle of thick blood gently gathered at the lower end of the incision, oozing out in a thin streak of crimson that stained his lightly freckled skin, brushing the corner of his pale lips that had been parted with disbelief.

It was a very, very close call.

His weapon had been lowered to the ground, all forms of defence withered as his rigid body remained frozen in its position, legs rooted to the hard soil and refusing to budge.

He sputtered out a single word, a question, incredulously, narrowly missing another attack due to his immobility and sheer astonishment.

He couldn't believe what he heard.

"Stop rubbing your butt against mine!"

Leon, on the other hand, was the portrait of a golden warrior, body low, weapon gripped firmly, evading each attack he received and countering it with utmost precision. His eyes were only for the battlefield, gaze solemn, cold, bloodthirsty as he analyzed each opponent for its strengths and weaknesses, dodging to the side in order to draw out each attack to his advantage, finishing off each enemy with a powerful blow reeking so of energy that a single slash swept away surrounding adversaries.

With each attack, he would leap back, defending the main gates, sword held up once again at eye level to fend off attackers. And then. . .

"Goddammit, Cloud! What did I just say?!"

The brunet whipped around irately, a single hand releasing the hilt of his sword to grip Cloud's head of spikes and pushing him downwards to evade an attack, his other hand shooting out to impale the Heartless through the base of its skull.

Snapping out of his reverie (and rather indignantly), Cloud threw both his hands down onto the ground, a supple leg stretched out and sweeping swiftly, powerfully across the rocky terrain, bringing down about ten or so of the grounded shadows. With a throaty cry, his fingers curled around the hilt of First Tsurugi and he struck it to the ground, a wave of power seeping from his grasp through the ridges of blade and striking into the earth, sweeping away into six different slashes that whirled through the area, hurling the heavier enemies across the pit and slicing the smaller ones in neat halves.

Momentarily, he had managed to clear the vicinity. Cloud exhaled through his teeth, blowing a stray spike from his eyes before noticing the reluctant hand that had been stuck out before him. Eyes gently straying to the owner of the offered hand, he shot the brunet a slightly disapproving look, grabbing it and getting to his feet.

His back to Leon, Cloud let his eyes close momentarily, right hand gripping his trusty sword carelessly as the other massaged the nape of his neck, easing out a knot or two before popping it with a sound crack. He could feel those eyes piercing into him from where he stood as he did so but ignored it. It would be better to do so in any case.

"Very nice, Strife. Very discreet and safe."

So much for nonchalance.

Heaving a soft sigh, Cloud shook his head slightly, reminding himself that Leon was just being cranky. His right hand clenched and unclenched around the hilt of First Tsurugi, lips moving rapidly as he surveyed the area unblinkingly, silently tallying up the body count of the Heartless he had managed to slay.

"Are you listening to me, Strife? If you could just think before you--"

33, 34, 35. . . That Large Body counts as two, right? Sure it did. Let's make that 36, then.

"--showing off; thanks to you, I don't think this will wash out--"

41, 42. . .

"--don't you ignore me, Strife. All of this is your fault."

With that, Cloud let slip an extremely heavy sigh, his free hand automatically rising up to his forehead to gently rub at the throbbing ache at his temple. He closed his eyes, fine blond brows knitting together at the irritation. He exhaled shakily, counting backwards from ten before gritting his teeth and forcibly turning around to face his Fearless Leader.

"And how is that, Leon?"

He could see the expression darken on the other man's face, eyes narrowing dangerously and lips twisting into an even frown.

"If you hadn't gone and rubbed your butt against mine, none of this would have happened."

Cloud felt his jaw slacken and was pretty sure that he would have been gaping like a damn goldfish at the older man had it not been for the surge of disbelief that shot through him defensively, forcing him to speak up for himself and say anything that would protect him from such outrageous accusations, regardless of what he would blurt out.

"You're the one who rubbed your butt against mine! Repeatedly!"

Cloud froze, blood draining his face.

He was 23 and had been under the service of the Divinity of the Underworld and he was not having this conversation with Leon.

"Sure. I just love rubbing my butt against yours in the middle of a full-scale Heartless assault because it makes me feel good all over," Leon countered mockingly, rolling his eyes, tone dripping with derision. He crossed his arm, scowling at the blond.

Taking deep breaths, Cloud counted back from twenty this time around and slowly approached the brunet, leaning his sword against the wall of the pit and resting both hands on Leon shoulders, squeezing slightly as he looked the other man in the eyes, expression completely serious, voice clear, tone steady.

"Leon. I did not rub my butt against yours in the middle of a full-scale Heartless assault on Hollow Bastion. I shall never rub my butt against yours, be it during a battle or otherwise, and, listen to me closely now, Leon, I was not the one constantly jumping back into position with which caused the contact of our respective backsides."

An unreadable flicker of emotion crossed Leon's face for a moment before he frowned once again, glowering at the blond man.

"Are you trying to say it's my fault now?"

"Leon! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" Cloud retorted disbelievingly, his sombre expression melting away to reveal a rather exasperated disposition, eyes wide and the edges of his lips curled up slightly in a not quite smile that simply reflected his take on the current situation. "If I wanted your ass so much, all I'd need to do is ask you!"

A resounding roar tore through the small canyon, swallowing whatever response Leon had to counter with as both men simultaneously tore their gaze away from the other and automatically threw their bodies into action, lunging for their weapons and rolling to opposite ends of the area. Hacking away the extra Heartless that were still lurking in the shadows, both men focused their attacks on the behemoth, speeding through into a less devastated locale and slowly recollecting their energy for the next attack.

High on the pure rush of adrenaline, soaked with the euphoria of battle, time and gravity and friction seeped away into mere blurs that melded with one another as their bodies reconnected with the utter need to fight, to focus and attack harder and faster and more destructive than before, muscles straining to keep up with the immense pressure exerted onto their bodies.

Leon lost control of his body to the heat of battle, arms swinging instinctively with his blade, hewing away the mechanical beast with his entire being as the overwhelming urge to protect everything in Hollow Bastion consumed him.

A thin wire lashed out at his ankle, twisting around it tightly and pulling him away. Startled, Leon lost his momentum and fell, body hurtling in the opposite direction as the beast tossed him towards one of the large and expensive cranes that were being used to rebuild the city. Leon braced his body for the impact.

With a bone shattering crunch, he slammed into something hard and sharp, time slowing his movements what with the cause and effect of the physics of inertia before he felt his body slicing through the air and tumbling down like a bag of heavy sand. Strangely, it didn't hurt as much as he would have assumed. . .

Wincing at the pain, the brunet opened an eye slowly, confused at the warmth tickling his forehead as his nose pressed painfully into something flat and cold, teeth digging into dusty pelt.

Confused, Leon blinked, slowly raising his head and feeling heat flare his cheeks and colour his ears.

He did not like that expression. Neither did he like that tone. Or that look.

"If you would please excuse me from your methodical stratagems of butt-rubbing and crotch-munching, there are some enemies that need attending to," was followed by a slightly pained, "God, you owe me for catching you before you crashed. Damn, you're heavy."

The blood drained from Leon's face before colouring it heatedly only moments later.

Shit.

the end