I don't own FMA.
I have no excuse for this.
OF AN EMPTY GRAVE AND BUNNY GAMES
Envy was angry. Very angry. That halfmetal pipsqueak just had to write an entire 10,000-page book comparing him with palm trees didn't he? Did that brat seriously think that he would sit around and do nothing? Well, he was going to do something to the pipsqueak to make sure that he got it through his thick skull that Envy did not take kindly to being insulted at. After debating over it in his head envy decided that burying Fullmetal alive was the best way to do it.
Envy trudged up the hill, Ed swung over his shoulder like a sack. Envy, completely absorbed in his angry thoughts, hadn't noticed that one of Pride's shadows had followed him. Ed however, glimpsed pride once but thought he was imagining it.
If anyone else was in Ed's current situation they would have already wet their pants even though Ed himself hadn't. Ed was bound and gagged so tightly that if he struggled he would hurt himself. Main words being 'If he struggled'. The craziest thing was, while Ed would usually be trashing around so much that he would have bled himself to death, now Ed wasn't even bothering to struggle. Not even the tiniest bit. In fact, Ed was humming various happy songs with a smile on his upside down face.
What the hell is wrong with him! Envy thought. Ed's unusually strange behavior was getting on his nerves. Maybe he's paralyzed with fear! Envy thought. The idea was driven out of his head when he heard Ed annoyingly humming away. Or it could be he's trying enjoy his last moments. Yeah. That was it. There was absolutely no other reason why he'd be happily humming his head off. He stopped when he reached a clearing in the middle of the forest.
"This is a nice place to dig a grave isn't it pipsqueak?" envy asked Ed, throwing him down hard on the grass. Ed nodded vigorously and continued to happily hum in the most annoying way.
Envy just stared and shook his head. Honestly, what on earth was wrong with Ed? He was sure that hell had completely frozen over.
Envy sighed and taking the shovel he had dragged along, he started to dig Ed's so called grave. When he had gotten about 6 inches around, envy noted that Ed had started to hum very, very sorrowful tunes. He thought he saw a blue flash once, but ignored it. At about 5 feet around he felt an extra weight suddenly appear on his back and wrap around himself.
"WHAT THE F***!?" Envy yelled as he threw back the weight. Ed, who wasn't bound anymore but still had the gag, stared sorrowfully teary-eyed at Envy and started to hum yet another sad song. For what seemed like hours to him (but was only a little over a minute) he stared into Edward's sad, golden orbs that seemed to be talking to him. Finally, he came to his senses and ripped the gag off.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Envy all but shrieked, at last voicing his opinions. He held Ed by his shoulders.
"-And you still have,
All of me..." Ed sung. Envy froze, captivated by Edward's incredibly beautiful voice.
Hell, why didn't the pipsqueak ever sing before? It was so damn beautiful. But… "HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET OUT OF THE ROPES?"
"First I want the 1000 cenz you promised me, envy." Ed replied seriously like the scientist he was.
"What?" envy asked, now confused. "I don't remember promising you 1000 cenz."
"In our last fight we had you promised me 1000 cenz if I sang or hummed 13 songs when I was within hearing range of you!" Ed protested. "I want my money!"
"THERE IS NO WAY IN HE-" envy started but was cut off Ed.
"I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS UNTIL YOU DO!" Ed yelled.
"Oh fine." envy said fumbling in his skirt pockets. Ed arched an eyebrow.
"Wow. That thing can have pockets? I never knew that." Ed said. Envy shot him a glare.
"Here's your money." envy grumbled handing Ed the money. Then realization dawned on envy. "YOU NEARLY CREEPED ME HALFWAY TO DEATH BECAUSE OF SOME SHITY MONEY?!" envy, needless to say was outraged.
"Gee envy. I didn't mean to scare you so much. I'm sorry." Ed apologized.
"YOU-wait, did you just apologize?" Envy questioned, not believing his ears.
"Yes Envy dearest."
"Did you just call me dearest?"
"Yes sweetheart."
"Did you just call me sweetheart?"
"Yes honey."
"Did you just call me honey?"
"Yes handsome one."
"Did you just call me handsome one?"
"Yes sir!"
"STOP IT!"
"Yes ma'am."
"I AM NOT A GIRL DAMN IT! LISTEN YOU IDIOT, YOU WILL NOT CALL ME ENVY DEAREST, SWEETHEART, HONEY, HANDSOME ONE, SIR OR MA'AM OR ANYTHING RELATED TO THAT! YOU WILL CALL ME ENVY, AND ONLY ENVY! Got it pipsqueak?" envy ranted.
"Yes Envy. I didn't mean to make you mad, Envy. I'm sorry, Envy." Ed said still, sweet as an angel.
"AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO ME UNLESS I TELL YOU TO!" Envy screamed.
"Ok, Envy." Ed answered with a slight sniff.
"Good." Envy said still eyeing Ed. "Now where was I? Ah, yes. HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE ROPES?"
Ed blinked, like this was obvious and envy was an idiot for not knowing. "I'm an alchemist."
"BUT I TIED YOU SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CLAP YOUR HANDS!" Envy screeched.
"I didn't. I just channeled the power to my arms. The rest are very complicated equations Envy." Ed replied.
"So why didn't you do it before?" Envy asked.
"I wanted my money." Ed said.
Envy sweat dropped. "Why'd you tried to attack me?" Envy asked.
"I didn't try to attack you, I was hugging you Envy." Ed said.
"WHY?" Envy exclaimed.
"Because I felt you deserved some love." Ed explained.
"Huh?" Envy asked dumbly.
"You're so thoughtful Envy. No one wanted to dig my grave before, all of them just wanted to drive a stake through my heart." Ed poetized.
Envy stared at Ed and almost laughed and the irony of the situation. He had brought Ed here to give him a scare but now, he himself was freaked out. Well not for long. Ed was going to be buried alive no matter what the objections.
"Listen brat, you are now going to buried alive," Envy said. Ed eyes widened with pure terror as he raised a shaky automail hand.
Envy smirked. The pipsqueak finally understood he was going to die did he?
"Envy..." Ed whispered one hand tugging at envy's while the other shakily pointed somewhere above the grave.
Envy rolled his eyes. Did the brat think he would fall for that? No way. "I'm not falling trick for that brat."
"But it's not a joke Envy," Ed was near begging now. "IT'S THE EVIL BUNNY RABBIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ENVY! IT'S AFTER YOUR BLOOD!" and with that Ed jumped out of the grave.
"HEY COME BACK HERE!" Envy shouted. He too scrambled up the grave as he looked over his shoulder and saw nothing. However before envy could do anything, Ed picked him up bridal style and began to run through the forest like his life depended on it. Well, to Ed his life did depend on it.
"ENVY THE EVIL BUNNY RABBIT HAS THE POWER TO KILL EVEN HOMUNCULI! AND THE WORST THING IS ONLY ALCHEMISTS CAN SEE THEM!"
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! AND PUT ME DOWN!"
"I CAN'T BECAUSE THE IT'LL KILL YOU IF I DO! BUT YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME! THE EVIL BUNNY RABBIT CAN'T TOUCH ALCHEMISTS! AND IT IS TOO POSSIBLE!"
"I'M NO SCIENTIST BUT IN ALL MY YEARS I'VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF THE EVIL BUNNY RABBIT!"
"IT'S EXACTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A SCIENTIST OR A PRODIGY THAT YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT IT! ALL SCIENTISTS OR PRODIGIES FIND OUT ABOUT IT SOONER OR LATER! NOW HUSH ENVY! IT'S CATCHING UP!" and with that Ed sped up.
Envy fumed. Who the hell did the brat think he was to boss him around? Wait a second! Envy thought. That would explain everything. The 'dearest' and 'sweetheart' thing. That.. That hugging. But if your suspicions are true... You're in drowning in trouble. Hesitantly envy asked, "Pipsqueak, are you in LOVE with me?"
"NONSENSE! I DECLARED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR WINRY IN ONE OF MY CODED JOURNALS! I THINK WE ALMOST LOST IT ENVY!" Ed answered like it was everyday he answered crazy questions like this.
Envy sighed wondering how the hell he ended up in a crazy situation like this. He thought for a moment. Ed would have to be worn down at one point or another. And when Ed did wear out, he'd drag Ed back to the grave to bury him alive.
As if in an answer to his prayers Ed slowed down and whispered, "I think we lost it." Ed dropped Envy to the ground causing him to scowl. "Oops."
"Now you listen brat-"
"Envy!" Ed whispered and crouched down as if he were stalking his prey.
Now what, Envy thought rubbing his temples. He was too old to be chasing after hyperactive teens.
Without warning, ed clapped his hands and pressed them onto Envy's skirt.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD!?" Envy shouted. In the place where once his beloved black skirt, was a very tiny hot pink miniskirt. Ed picked Envy up bridal style and started to run.
"YOU SEE ENVY I JUST SPOTTED A PHILOSOPHERS BUNNY! IT HAS THE POWER TO GRANT ANY WISHES TO AN ALCHEMIST IF A PALM-TREE HOMUNCULUS WEARING A PINK MINISKIRT IS HOLDING IT!"
"TURN BACK MY SKIRT TO NORMAL THIS INSTANT! AND I AIN'T NO PALM TREE!"
"DOUBLE NEGATIVES CROSS EACH OTHER OUT SO IT MEANS THAT YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE A PLAM TREE! AND I CAN'T CHANGE IT BACK ENVY! YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT OR ELSE THE BUNNY WON'T GRANT ANY WISHES! AND IT ABSOLUTELY HAS TO GRANT MY WISH WHICH IS TO GET ALS BODY BACK!"
"WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT GETTING YOUR BROTHERS BODY BACK!"
"BUT ENVY! SINCE THE BUNNY ONLY GRANTS WISHES TO ALCHEMISTS I COULD TELL IT TO GRANT YOUR WISH TOO!"
Envy paused in his rants and thought for a moment. He really wanted to buy the latest hairspray to make his hair look all cool and if the pipsqueak could make it happen then so be it. If the philosophers bunny really existed anyway. So instead he answered, "WELL THEN CATCH IT ALREADY!"
"I'M TRYING ENVY!" Ed said. Suddenly Ed stopped in his forward momentum which caused envy to go flying off and hitting a tree.
"WHY'D YA DO THAT FOR?" Envy shrieked.
"I lost the bunny cause it was summoned to another world by a snake chimera called braggy farts or something." Ed explained.
"Wha-" envy stopped mid-sentence. This time he was going to make sure that the pipsqueak was buried alive.
But...
But...
He was tired. Not his body because a homunculi's body never got tired. He just didn't feel up to it to be chasing after an annoying pipsqueak alchemist even if they did write a 10,000 page book comparing him with palm trees.
"Brother! Thank goodness I found you," Al said running toward his once kidnapped brother. He suddenly stopped short.
Envy scowled.
"Envy," Al asked timidly, "Why are you wearing a pink miniskirt?"
"Well-"
Something suddenly occurred to Al. "YOU AREN'T TRYING TO SEDUCE BROTHER ARE YOU!?" and with that al snatched Ed into protective hug.
"NO!" Envy defended. "It's you're damned brothers fault. He's gone insane or something."
Al looked confused for a second. "Do you mean brother did it? But he hates the color pink."
"No I don't! Pink is such a CUTE color!" Ed protested.
Envy smugly looked at Al as if to say I told you so. "So. As you are clearly his brother you should know how to fix his mentally insane mind. What the hell is wrong with him? I'm gonna kill him slowly and painfully. Of that I'm absolutely sure. The idiot pipsqueak nearly scared me halfway to death you know. He needs to be taken to a mental asylum. I assure you, he's crazy. But you should be able to fix him as you are his brother right? And when it is fixed bring him back to me cause I didn't get to bury him alive yet and I just have to do that to get my revenge on your idiotic brother. After all how dare he compare me with palm trees. I am a powerful homunculi, not a lowly palm-" envy stopped mid rant as he realized that Edward and Alphonse Elric was nowhere at sight. They had run off while he was talking. Envy growled.
"It seems you lost this game Envy," a monotone voice said.
"Pride!" Envy spun around finally catching sight of pride. He shouldn't have been surprised really. Often when he had a temper tantrum someone would be sent to make sure he didn't cross the line. It's just that he wasn't expecting Pride that's all.
"Edward has... A unique sense of style. You better change it before the colonel sees it," he said.
Envy glared at the pink miniskirt and used his shape-shifting abilities to turn it back to normal. He then proceeded to moodily stomp back to base.
"By the way Envy, Edward took a picture of it when you were ranting."
Envy's scream of fury could be heard on the other side of the world.
"Brother, you shouldn't have done that. Now Envy will be mentally scarred for life," Al scolded his brother on their way to headquarters as they had to inform the others that Ed had not been killed by envy and to hand in his mission report. Ed had just told al the whole story.
"Hey! It was either that or get buried alive! And I can't die yet. I still have to get your body back," Ed placed a hand on Al's armor.
"Ok. But did you have to sing brother? Now he'll just kidnap you just so that he could he hear you sing." Al complained.
Ed just grinned. "Well, at least I got 1000 cenz, Al."
Al sighed. "You have a unique way of getting out if being buried alive brother."
Ed grinned once more. "I know Al. Now that I've surprised envy lemme surprise mustang!"
Edward Elric always stomped angrily into headquarters. So when instead of his usual demonic aura Mustangs team saw him twitching and fidgeting with nervousness in his brother's shadow, it was no wonder that they stared at his face.
"Are you alright Edward?" Hawkeye asked.
"Huh? Oh, why wouldn't I be?" Ed asked, a bit distracted.
"You were kidnaped by the monster, boss. Are you okay?" Havoc asked. Riza thought she saw a smile tugging at Edwards lips, but she could be mistaken.
"Duh. Would I be able to stand up if I wasn't?" Ed asked. No answer came. Ed shuffled over to Mustang's private office door with flesh hand holding his mission report tight, but didn't open it. Everybody in the room except Alphonse held their breath, waiting to see what would happen. Ed did nothing for the next five minutes until he finally sighed in resignation and opened the door; his head was bent low hair covering his eyes. He closed the door behind him.
Riza turned around to face the crew. "Well? What are you lot waiting for? Get back to work."
Dear brother, I seriously hope you don't scare the colonel so much that we need to call an ambulance, Al thought.
"Hey um, Hawkeye? Can't we eavesdrop?" Havoc said.
Roy heard the door opening and closing softly and nearly groaned. Riza was the only one of them that did that. If she was here, it could only mean more paperwork. However, as he couldn't hear the sound of her boots meeting the floor he looked up and raised his eyebrows. There Ed stood before him, with his head bent low, hair covering his golden eyes, looking for all the world as anxious as can be.
"Umm, hello R-R-Roy..." Ed muttered, tripping over the Colonel's name.
Roy nearly fell off his chair. Since when did Fullmetal call him Roy? "Hello shrimp," he waited for the explosion. Nothing happened. Mustang mentally gaped and even through of years of training, his professional mask slipped for a split second.
Hand outstretched with the report, Ed shuffled over Mustang's desk. "Here's the report you wanted Roy."
Once again Roy nearly fell off his chair. Fullmetal's voice was polite, almost as if Ed were trying to please him. But... Ed never sounded polite. And the way Ed said his name... Roy gulped and wondered if possibly, just possibly Ed had lost his marbles and had become one of the fangirls that chased him down the streets of central. "Your report seems a bit short."
"Oh? I'm sorry Roy." Ed said looking up.
Again, the way Ed said his name... Wait a second! He just got back from envy didn't he? "Are you Envy?"
"No!" Ed said. "and if you need any proof, Envy can't do alchemy-" Ed clapped his hands and pressed them Mustangs desk, creating a wooden wedding ring."-and as you can clearly see, I can do alchemy, Roy," Ed looked at Roy and pushing his bangs behind his ears, Ed shyly and slowly batted his eyelashes at Roy. Ed then proceeded to fix Mustang's desk which he never did.
Roy gaped. What was going on? "Um... Edward are you ok?" Roy eyes widened as he saw Ed's eyes light up with joy, impossible fangirlish joy. When Ed suddenly jumped over the desk and glomped him, he started to think the military gotten to Ed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FULLMETAL!? GET OFF ME!"
"OH MY DEAR ROY! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE CALLED ME BY MY FULL FIRST NAME! I'M SO HAPPY!" Ed cried suspiciously sounding like Armstrong.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?" Havoc shouted as he threw the door open, the rest of team hot on his heels. The sight they were greeted by though, left them mentally scarred for life. There lay before them, Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist, wildly swinging his arms around in an attempt to throw the teary eyed Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, off him. They gaped, and then started to laugh their heads off even though they had no idea of what was happening. Well Hawkeye tried to stifle her giggles but still.
"Fullmetal," Roy said keeping his voice deliberately cool, "get off me or else I'll fry you to crisp."
Ed got off and pouted. "YOU BIG MEANIE! NEVER LETTING ME HAVE ANY FUN! I HATE YOU ROY!" Ed screeched.
"Umm, boss-"
"AND TO THINK, I WAS PLANNING ON KEEPING THIS HORRIBLE PICTURE AWAY FROM YOUR INNOCENT EYES!" Ed wailed.
"Boss you could tell us what's the matte-"
"HERE! TAKE THIS I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE!" Ed said waving a picture wildly, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT PROTECTING YOUR INNOCENCE!" and with that, Ed stomped out with Al, leaving the officers dazed and confused.
Mustang was the first to recover. Curious, he picked up the picture. And stared. And gaped. Then he fainted. Then poor Havoc, never knowing what was gonna happen picked it up and fainted. The rest of them except Hawkeye picked it up and fainted as well. Hawkeye, after deeming the picture to be evil, shoot ten or so bullets at it. Then she went to get a doctor for her subordinates, wondering how on earth exactly a picture could make people faint and what was wrong with Ed's head.
—
"Brother, I don't think that was such a good idea. Poor Mr. Mustang is gonna be mentally scarred for life," Alphonse said to his brother.
"But it was too good to resist, Al!" Ed protested giggling.
"Oh brother," Al said sighing.
"Hey Al?" Ed asked.
"Yeah?"
"Since I have so many copies of it, let's give one to Ling! We'll tell him Envy's the philosopher's stone and then he won't bother us anymore! What do you think Al?"
"Whatever you say, brother."
This is the longest thing I've ever written. Please review?
Please keep in mind that I haven't watched FMA in long time, so if there are any inaccuracies please tell me so I can correct it. Plus this is not edited, so if you see any mistakes tell me.
Every time you don't review, Ed and Al end up dying. You know it's wrong, so review, review, review!