Title: Gradation
Author: karebear
Rating: M
Characters: Shepard (female), Kaidan
Standard Disclaimer (Mass Effect): I know, I know: I'm so late to Mass Effect! Not suprisingly, Bioware's done it again and got me all caught up in their world.
Summary/Notes: A sequel of sorts to "Thermodynamics" but also capable of standing alone. That story was the Kaidan/Shepard relationship through ME 1 & 2 mostly from Shepard's side, this is ME3, from Kaidan's: "I want to understand what this is between us, and make it real." Exactly.

"I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through
And I would drive on to the end with you"
- My Chemical Romance, "Demolition Lovers"

Kaidan feels a little thrill of electricity as Commander Shepard enters the room, a whisper preceding her presence, like a wave. It's not like this base exists solely for her benefit... except that from the way career soldiers stop what they're doing to watch her walk by, and the rumors that fly around and the way that everybody acts like she's more legend than disgraced former officer - which, to be fair, she is - it's exactly like that. People find reasons to linger in the halls, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Savior of the Citadel, who died and came back to life. Whether or not she is a traitor is still open for debate, and Kaidan cringes when he's forced to acknowledge that he once called her exactly that.

As always, she shoves her way through the artificial silence of the stilled command center, seemingly oblivious to the chaos she leaves in her wake. Somehow, even Anderson seems smaller in her shadow. Despite the fact that she's allowed nowhere without an armed guard, there is no question who is calling the shots here.

And despite the urgency of the situation that's temporarily sprung her from the very well furnished prison cell they've had her hidden in, she stops when she sees him, and the uniformed men with guns escorting her are forced to wait.

She says nothing, only raises an eyebrow, and Kaidan winces slightly, knowing she's probably expecting a fight like the one they'd had the last time he saw her. He freezes, caught in her gaze, and shakes his head slightly. His fingers twitch at his side as his body sends signals to his brain that he doesn't want to fight. His muscles still remember the weight of her in his arms, his skin flushes with the memory of her warmth against it. He wants that back again, needs it, desperately.

"Shepard..." he whispers, the words spilling from his lips. She watches him with a guarded smile, still off-balance. Seeing her again feels exactly like he'd always figured it would, and that's the surprising thing. He's worked so hard to move past her, and he's clearly convinced most people that he can stay focused on the job. Alliance solider, that's who he is now. It's who he always has been.

And Shepard... she's on lockdown, relieved of duty, he's pretty sure the question of whether there might someday be a court martial hasn't actually been settled. Anderson fought with everything he had to vouch for her. Kaidan couldn't even bring himself to go see her, because what exactly was he supposed to say?

He still feels like an idiot for wrecking things so spectacularly on Horizon, but there's still the nagging whisper in his brain, an ache in his stomach, because he cannot actually tell himself that he was wrong. Cerberus owned her for years, and now... now he doesn't know what to expect, except that for everything his head tells him, he still feels something when he looks at her, he still cares.

"Major?" she asks, her gaze flicking from his insignia up to his face, and he sees the confusion reflected in her eyes even as she tries to look like it doesn't bother her, being left out of the loop. The Shepard he remembers couldn't stand being left out of the action.

"You hadn't heard?" Anderson asks her, and she shakes her head.

"Sorry, Shepard," Kaidan says softly, although what is he apologizing for? Not telling her about his promotion? Or... everything else.

He shakes it off. They're not here to live out the kind of bad television relationship dramas she's probably been stuck watching in the secure apartment she's not allowed to leave. The shit is about to seriously hit the fan, it has to be. It's the only reason Shepard gets called in on anything.

"It's okay. It's... good to see you again, Kaidan."

"Yeah."

It really is. He finds himself surprised by how much better he feels now that she's here, how just a brief conversation that didn't completely implode fills him with confidence. He shakes his head, watching her follow Anderson, watching her step, all business. Which makes sense. He'd be pretty nervous too, if he were going in to meet the defense committee who'd stripped him of his command and had him under house arrest for almost a year.

"You know the Commander?"

Kaidan turns, acknowledging the younger soldier who'd escorted Shepard up here. Her assigned babysitter, and he finds himself sympathizing with Lieutenant Vega, because he knows exactly how Shepard must be responding to her change of circumstances. The fact that the facility is still standing and that she's still in it proves that she's taking it better than he'd imagined she would. Hell, maybe she is enjoying the enforced vacation. How many times can one woman be expected to save the entire galaxy anyway?

You know the Commander?

Does he?

Kaidan knows the woman he'd served under and fought with against a threat no one else believed in, one of the few who saw beyond the L2 implant in his head and talked to him. For sure the only CO who'd stayed with him through one of his worse migraines instead of just dumping him in medbay with the equivalent of a repair order. Also the only CO he'd ever slept with, a fact which is probably among the Alliance's worst kept secrets.

He thought he'd loved her, once. And now... now he doesn't know who she is anymore, and he doesn't know who he is without her.

"I used to," he tells Vega, and the other man gives a snort of acknowledgement and pushes past him to linger around the door he doesn't have the security clearance to go beyond, although the woman he's supposed to be guarding does.

Kaidan waits. It seems he's been doing that a lot lately. His biotic trainees keep him busy and distracted, which is only a blessing, but being grounded, even if it's for a good cause, leaves him feeling frustrated and ironically adrift. Being grounded on the same base as Shepard is just cruel. He is so close and so far from what he wants.

When he couldn't see her he managed to convince himself that he doesn't know what he wants, but now that she's right here, now that they've talked... he feels the same as he's always felt. He thinks he loves her now, but the words catch in his throat, and so much has changed, she's changed, he cannot lose her again. Better if she's safe, even if it's away from him, isn't it?

He feels the spike of energy that is usually his most reliable warning of an impending headache, and he forces himself to breathe, concentrating enough to relax his muscles and take stock of the stresses and strains of his body. He's been playing it too risky lately: not enough food, not enough sleep. He pulls out one of the emergency nutrition bars biotics are always authorized to carry because of the havoc their abilities wreak on normal human metabolism. The thing shares its texture and flavor with cheap drywall, but he's gotten used to it over the years and barely notices as he chews and swallows mechanically.

The hum of conversation slowly grows louder as people get back to work now that Shepard's out of the room. Kaidan resists the urge to follow her into the council meeting - not that he has the clearance for that, but she'd never cared about the regs when he'd tagged along with her on the Normandy, and he kind of misses that. He'd gotten through all kinds of red tape on the Citadel because he'd been with her: C-Sec interrogations, several different embassies, not to mention successfully taking down a rogue Spectre. The upper echelons of the Alliance Navy seem almost small-time compared to all of that.

But he's not one for bucking the chain of command and never has been, and she damned well does that enough for the both of them on her own. If the committee wanted him in there, they'd have asked. He knows Shepard's only here because Anderson believes her warnings about the Reapers. Kaidan wants so badly to trust her too, and having been there for the fight with Sovereign he'd rather them be prepared and wrong than the other way around. He knows they're not ready, if the reports she's been filing without acknowledgement are true. He knows the brass thinks maybe if they ignore Shepard for long enough she'll go away, stop bothering them. Kaidan could tell them how well that plan is likely to work.

"Maybe when things settle down," he'd written Shepard a long time ago, but he'd chickened out on that too.

He finishes choking down his snack and wipes the crumbs off his pants, figuring he'll suck it up and talk to her when she gets out of this meeting. Maybe just a coffee, or something. Not like they can do much, with her still behind locked doors and monitored, but he wants to try again, to talk to her. He has to try again, there is so much he has to say, so much he needs to know and so much he needs for her to know.

He smiles, comfortable with this new decision he's just made, and then he's nearly knocked over by another intense spike pulsing behind his eyelids and a bright flash of light.

And then there is shaking and screaming and the world collapses all around him as explosions rock the sky.