"I miss you."
The words are soft, kind. Sincere. Dan looks down and smiles, gripping his cell phone tightly. "I miss you, too. You should come home."
"I am home. There's nothing left for me there. Why don't you come here? Take a European vacation. An enjoyable one."
"As much as I'd love to do that, I have a bit of a project going on right now so I'll have to pass."
There is a hesitation on the other end of the line, and Dan furrows his brows. "Hello?"
"Is this project the book you told me about?"
"Jenny.."
"Dan, listen to me." His sister's voice is low and urgent, and Dan sighs and closes his eyes, already anticipating the lecture that's coming. "I know that things got really messed up with Blair and Chuck and Serena, but you really should reconsider the book."
"Why? What's it going to do, alienate people around me? Too late, I think. And it's not as if I made up lies about everyone, I'm using the truth. Exposing it. And doing that, yeah, it'll be ugly but I think it needs to be done."
"You know as well as I do that it's not just about alienating people. You're trying to get revenge on these people around you, and...remember how you told me that being around them was making me like them? It's my turn to tell you the same. This won't end well. You're better than them, you don't have to do this."
"I appreciate the concern, but I know what I'm doing. Listen, I'll call you next week, I have to go now."
"Dan, wait-"
Dan hangs up quickly, rising from his seat on the sofa and making his way to his office. He knows, deep down, that Jenny has a point, that being around the Upper East Side and the people that call it home can poison a person's mind, make them do horrible things they never thought they were capable of doing. He also knows that in his case, it's far too late to get away from it like Jenny managed to do. He wants-no, needs-to do this.
He reaches into a desk drawer and takes out a small lockbox (Georgina's idea), produces a key from his pocket to unlock it. Once the box is open, he eyes the flash drive inside, pulls it out and turns it over in his fingers, wages the same mental debate he has been waging since he finished writing the book. Writing all the secrets down, typing them out and reading them over and over has been good for Dan, therapeutic even, but there is still a part of him that has hesitated and kept the flash drive out of Alessandra's hands despite her protests and urging. Dan knows that once she gets it, there is no going back, his life will change forever and everyone will hate him. Can he actually let go, can he destroy everyone's lives? Can he do this to his friends? To Blair?
Do you even want to be in this relationship?
Of course!
Is the reason you can't tell me you love me because you're still in love with Chuck?
No.
Dan's decision is made and he is already downstairs and hailing a taxi before he can even finish replaying all of Blair's lies in his head, but then he thinks bitterly to himself it's probably because there was such a wide selection of them to choose from. He hears the familiar tinkling of his phone's message alert on the ride to meet with Alessandra, sees a new Gossip Girl blast. Surprise, surprise, Chuck and Blair have been spotted in Rome. He actually laughs aloud, a sharp barking laugh that startles the taxi driver, thinking how very fitting it is that he practically begged her to go to Rome but it's Chuck she ends up accompanying there with no hesitation.
~.~
"You're not concerned at all?" Alessandra's eyebrows are practically in her hair, and Dan shrugs in a way that he hopes comes across as casual. "Dan, come on. You were pretty much twisting yourself into a pretzel with Inside, worrying about what people would think. You just seem entirely too calm this time around."
"Yeah, I know, but last time was..." Dan trails off, unable to really think of a good way to say this time I just want to fuck some people over so they know what it feels like. "Look, whatever, this time I don't care. This was written to finally expose all the secrets and lies and manipulations the way they should've been from the beginning. I don't care if people get hurt-"
"And you don't care if people hurt you, either," she finishes with a small, sympathetic smile. "I get it. I really do. And I'm not going to talk you out of this, because it's just..well, it's too good. I just want you to know, like I wanted you to know last time, what you're getting yourself into. This time it'll actually be much more intense. This isn't a novel with vague references to real life events. This is going to lay everything out there. I hope you're prepared to deal with the fallout, that's all."
"Trust me," Dan says with the beginnings of a smirk, "I know full well what I'm getting myself into, and it has been a long time coming. I'm ready."
~.~
"About the dedication..." Alessandra begins the next week during a quick phone call. "Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
"It just seems rather mean, given the content of the book."
"Then it's perfect."
~.~
Dan's copy arrives just as Inside did, but this time he takes time to look at the cover, flip open the back flap, study his photograph, trace his fingers over his name in bold print on the spine. Then he flips straight to the dedication, a slow vengeful smile creeping across his face as he reads his own words.
For B.
May you finally see yourself as I see you.
-D