I was pathetic I knew that, but I couldn't change now. I still kept his texts saved even though I knew reading them would only make it hurt worse. I had never been good enough for him, but that didn't make it easier. I still needed him, still craved his smile, his laughter, still needed his love.
He didn't need me though, maybe he never did or maybe he thought at one time, but not now. I always knew it would happen, he'd realize I wasn't good enough and move on to find someone better. That didn't stop some part of me from dreaming and hoping that maybe we could be happy.
It was so easy for him to go our separate ways for him it probably was a relief, for me it was the start of never ending pain. I tried to move on find someone else, but how could I give my heart to another when it already belonged to him.
Times of when we we're together seemed almost torturous to think about most days, but today it was numb.
The first time we held hands and I felt as though I was l walking on air and he was smiling so wide and we giggled all night after that with ours hand intertwinded.
"Not as wide as when he is with Dan" the nagging voice in my head reminded.
But I wasn't going to be bothered with it not today, just right now I would let myself have my memories.
The first time we kissed was my first and I was so nervous I would miss his mouth I ended kissing him with my eyes open the whole time. It was such a sweet kiss just like him and I couldn't have asked for anything more.
"I bet Dan is a much better kisser then you, he probably hated kissing you"
I feel the urge to cut and step closer to the edge of the roof my eyes still shut tight. I feel comforted as the wind swept my hair back from my face, I could easily imagine it's his hand.
His face seems to be permanently etched into my mind, I wondered if I ever even crossed his mind. I want to ask how he could leave me, how he could do this to me, but I know how. It was selfish for me to want him to stay, he was meant for much bigger and greater things then me.
This would make it better, I reminded myself as the thoughts began to take their toll upon me. I knew that there would be people who missed me, but I couldn't go on not like this. I was already dead inside and it was constant agony to live already dead.
No one should be expected to live this half life and I died a long time ago. I was a walking corpse not capable of even feeling most emotions anymore .I had faced the facts long ago he would never returned and yet I still tried.
Maybe at one time I could have got better, but not now. It was over he had moved on, I wondered if he'd be saddened by my death. Would anyone even tell him? Surely he'd find out one way or another, what would he think knowing I was gone forever now too. Would he know it was because I couldn't move on from him. Would he just shrug his shoulders and move on with his life?
So many questions whirled through my mind, not that the answers mattered anymore, my mind was made up. But still I hoped he did at least feel a little bit sad at the loss of what we could have had been.
It felt so foreign to think at one time he was but a phone call away and now he was almost a stranger. Did he still think of me when he heard the name Charlie? Or was my face something that never crossed his mind?
His face next to Dan's flashed through my mind and I step as far off the ledge as I could with my feet hanging half off. This is for the better, I thought to myself.
"It's over now you don't have to hurt anymore" I said out loud as silent tears dripped off my face.
As I peaked my eyes opened and looked down at the bustle streets below me I felt adrenaline rushing through me. I felt content as I closed my eyes and walked off his face being my last thought.