Author's Notes: Hi again fanfic community! This oneshot is purely random, and is (partially) borne out of guilt for making you guys wait so long for an update to Moments of Love due to my Skyrim and Team Fortress 2 induced coma. Ever since I started doing Lonely Island ME style, I keep going back to it and I can never quite think about Mass Effect the same ever again. So…enjoy! : )
Emily Wong: Today we're sitting here with former Cerberus number two and current Colonel in the Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence, as well as Commander James Shepard's fiancée, Miranda Lawson!
Miranda Lawson: Hello everyone! *Waves at camera*
Emily: Hello, so Miranda, what's a day in the life of Miranda Lawson like?
Miranda: Do you really wanna know?
Emily: Please, tell us!
Miranda: I don't sleep motherfucker off that sand and Minagen! Doin' one twenty, gettin' head while I'm swervin'!
Kaidan *randomly appears*: Damn Miranda, you a crazy chick!
Miranda: Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick! *Kaidan bursts into tears* I bust in dudes mouth like gushers motherfucker! Roll up on WNC and smack the shit outta al-Jilani!
James Shepard, Thane Krios, Mordin Solus, Urdnot Wrex, Urdnot Grunt, James Vega, Garrus Vakarian (the Miranda Lawson Fanclub): What you want, Miranda?
Miranda: To drink and fight!
The Miranda Lawson Fanclub: What you need, Miranda?
Miranda: To fuck all night!
Miranda: Don't test me when I'm crazy on that shuttle fuel! I'll put my foot down your throat till you shit in my shoe! *random cut to Miranda shoving her high-heeled boots into Jack's mouth* Leave you screaming, pay for my dry cleaning! Fuck your man; it's my name that he's screamin'! *Random cut to Councilor Tevos sobbing as she watches Miranda and the salarian councilor having sex on the security cameras as he yells out Miranda's name*
Emily *visibly shocked*: I'm sorry Miranda, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Miranda *snorts*: I never said I was a role model.
Emily *stuttering*: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
Miranda: All the kids lookin' up to me can suck my dick! *cut to Miranda smacking a random batarian kid who was asking for a kiss from her out of an airlock* It's Lawson motherfucker, drink till I'm sick! Slit your throat and pour eezo down the hole, and I'll watch you laugh and cry while I laugh you die! And all the dudes, you know I'm talkin' to you!
The Miranda Lawson Fanclub: We love you Miranda!
Miranda: I wanna fuck you too! L is for Lawson, L is for Ladyflower! I'll kill your fuckin' varren for fun so don't push me! *laughs maniacally*
Emily *very pale*: Well, Miranda I'm surprised! All this from a Thessian graduate?
Miranda: Well, there's a lot you may not know about me.
Emily *asks reluctantly*: Really? Such as?
Miranda: When I was in Thessia I snorted sand every day, I cheated every test and snorted all the way…I gotta a def posse and you gotta bunch of dudes; I sit right down on your face and take a shit!
James Shepard: Miranda, you are a bad ass bitch!
Miranda: Hell yeah!
Shepard: And I always pay for your dry cleanin' when my shit gets in your shoe…And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that! My dick is scared of you, guuurrrrlll…*cut to a naked Miranda advancing on a naked Shepard with a horny and evil smile upon her face as Shepard gulps and his dick goes inwards to hide itself from Miranda, who pouts*
Emily *trembling as she looks at the interview questions on her datapad*: Okie-dokie, one final question…if you would cheat on Shepard with any guy in the galaxy, who would it-*violently interrupted by Miranda standing up and then tossing her chair at Emily, and the chair smashes against Emily's head with a massive crash*
Miranda: No more questions. *Walks away before she notices the turian cameramen staring at her, making her change course to get right in their faces* What!
A/N: Well…there isn't anything much to say except that I hope you enjoyed it!
XOXOKatherineXOXO