Memory of Existence
Author:
Spoilers
: Yes… Really. This is set just after Last Human and will ruin the whole book for you, plus the story won't make any sense if you haven't read the book. (Not that I'm promising it will make sense if you have read the book.)Author's note:
This is my first fanfic ever, so I appreciate any input, criticisms, preferably constructive but I'll take what I can get. This story is a bit hodge podge and the characterisations are a bit hollow, but at the moment I'm trying to remember how to write in continuous prose rather then equations and dot points so this is a kind of practice for me. I'll try for something more involved and maybe even saucy in the future.Disclaimer:
I'm stupid and poor… Not funny, I know. These characters and everything included therein do not belong to me; I'm just using them for my own escapism. You all however, already know this, so I'll just let you get to the story.A breeze kicked up small swirls of dust, throwing them around Lister's feet in a micro-ballet. The breeze had only just picked up again as he had come to stand before the freshly dug grave, which had been put at the top of the valley, above their encampment. Not that there had been much to dig. What remained of the light bee of Arnold .J. Rimmer would have had a hard time filling a matchbox. Lister stood at the foot of the grave, debating if he wanted to stay when another breeze sent the dust flying again, this one also sent a shiver up his spine and set his hair on end. He hadn't been on a planet for a while, but he knew that the wind's voice should not be so distinct. The breezes that blew occasionally on the otherwise still day would whisper incomprehensible words in his ear. All the people on the planet heard or more like felt the presence in the wind, it wasn't foreboding, it wasn't overwhelming it was just there, calm, tranquil and harmless, but it put them all on edge. The knowledge of the origin of that spirit was what made all of them shudder at the touch of a breeze on their skin. There were people, souls who had died in those voices. Not a normal death, but a horrible travesty, that had seen them trapped within an entity that was a embodiment of rage, of resentment and hate for so many years, all so a planet could be terra-formed. They had been freed, allowed to leave that entity when Rimmer had flown in and initiated the Oblivion virus. Now they roamed the planet, free, finally becoming part of it. This time of their own free will, their hate gone, and now Arnold Rimmer was part of that, part of the planet that would nurture the new human race.
Lister sat down on the ground, he knew he had to stay there a while, he needed time to think away from the others and he knew they would not bother him while he was at Rimmer's grave. The air seemed to give a sigh and become still again. Lister stared at the headstone taking in its details. He hadn't paid much attention to anything at the service the week before, he didn't think any of them had, they were all lost in their own thoughts. The headstone was simple, the only engravings, 'Arnold. J. Rimmer, Father, Friend and Hero'. Hero, it wasn't a word Lister would have associated with Rimmer, when he had first met him at least. Rimmer had wanted to be a hero but ended up becoming a complete pratt instead. Rimmer had come to believe heroism and respect came only with great victories in war or being an officer, he hadn't realised respect came from the person you were. Lister had come to respect Rimmer over the years. He just didn't realise it until recently. Rimmer was like that, as you got to know and understand him he was…Was almost bearable Lister thought with a smile. You start off believing you'll never be able to stand, let alone like the man, then as time passes the horrible realisation hits, when he was gone, you were actually going to miss him. Lister knew he wasn't the only one, he had noticed with the others, Kris, Kryten, the Cat, they were all missing him. Kryten came up here almost every other day to dust the headstone and generally fuss and the day after the service Lister had seen the Cat sitting up here for a few hours. Mike had spent the most time there, Lister knew Mike would miss Rimmer the most. Not for all time he had spent with him but for all the time he didn't get to spend with him.
In that respect Lister was lucky, he had the most memories, he had known Rimmer the longest, and they had been through a lot together, lots of stories to tell Mike, give him a chance to know his father, the good and the bad.
Memories, many previously forgotten had been replaying themselves to Lister over the last few days, keeping his mind busy and occasionally bringing a smile to face. It was one memory that morning that had brought him here and a frown of frustration to his face. It had happened months before, a surprise (the computer was busy with perfecting the artificial climate control) attack on Starbug by a band of miffed space-faring GELFs needing spare parts. Accordingly they caused just enough damage to force her to land… Of course there was no planets near by, so it was all rather pointless, and after probably deciding it was all too hard, the GELFs left soon afterwards. The resulting hull damage however had caused a hull breach and in the notion of safety the emergency systems had actually kicked in immediately and sealed off half the ship. The computer started the count down till expulsion of the atmosphere from that part of the ship, the precept to stop implosion occurring and enabling repairs. The only problem, Lister, Kris and the Cat who had been heading for the cockpit just happened to be in the shut off area with no computer access and Kryten was trapped in the laundry. This left Rimmer to try and talk the computer down and open some of the doors for the rest of them to get to safety. The computer refused to acknowledge Rimmer in any way and with only a minute left Kryten managed to talk the washing machine into helping them, which in turn convinced the computer to open the doors where the crew were. It took another 12 hours to repair all the damage, and everything seemed to be back to normal, well with climate control working perfectly in all parts of the ship for the first time in months. It wasn't until later when a tired Lister had dragged himself to the Galley for few cans of Lager and came across Rimmer sitting at the table, that it occurred to him that Rimmer had been scarce all day. Lister had grabbed a six pack and sat down across from him, opened a can and then sat silently. Lister watched Rimmer slouched over the table and staring glumly at a small puddle of vindaloo on the table from tea earlier and after three minutes the silence was killing him and he had to say something.
"I think it's conceded man, you've outstared it by two hours." Lister remarked putting his feet on the table with a tired grin, and waited for a scathing retort.
"I don't why I ever even bothered." Rimmer mumbled without looking at Lister, he went silent for long enough for Lister to consider saying something, then continued. " Why did fate even give me life, what's the point of existing if you never contribute anything to the universe, a rare tropical disease has more to offer then I do." Rimmer had caught Lister off guard, he sat up in his chair and continued talking before Lister had a chance to interrupt. " I mean what have I ever done. I was just another child for my father to try and breed into a marine, only I failed him, miserably. My mother she was horribly pissed off at the time wasted carrying and giving birth to a useless piece of worm sputum like me. My brothers… My brothers just tortured me all my childhood and then went on to be the apples in my father's eye and Space Corp heroes. I was nothing but an inconvenience to them, a total waste of space." Rimmer was just starting to pick up momentum. " Let's see and then there's, well the Space Corp, how many years had I spent there before I died. How many hey?" He looked pointedly at Lister, awaiting him to contribute the answer, with no answer forthcoming he prodded again. "Well Lister how many years was I there, hmm?"
Lister tired from 12 hours of work had to wait for his brain to kick-start and he was still in a state of shock from the direction the conversation had taken. He finally mumbled the answer.
"What was that, I can't hear you Listy."
"I said 15 years man, you were there 15 years, but Rimmer man that…."
Rimmer raised his hand and interrupted him; he had stood up and was now walking around the room but still looking at Lister as he did so. "Yes 15 non glorious, non productive years, 15 years and I was a second technician in charge of zed shift. A whole 15 years, and in that time what did I contribute…Nada, nothing, zippo. Then I died, and what have I contributed in my death, hmm let's think, that is a hard one… Oh yes that's right, nothing." He stopped momentarily, cocking his head to the side in thought and looking at the wall before looking back at Lister and continuing. "I get in the way when I'm not needed and don't do anything when I am needed. I couldn't even smegging override the stupid computer to open the door yesterday and the three of you nearly died, all because I'm so completely useless...You, you at least have a destiny, the chance to restart the human race, me I have no destiny no reason." His facial features relaxed and he seemed to be calming down, when he added in a softer voice, "What was the point of ever bringing me into existence."
Lister opened his mouth to say something, but his throat constricted on him, he wanted to say something that would make Rimmer feel better and remove the look of total self-hatred from his face. For the first time in a long time, he actually stopped to think of the consequences if he said the wrong thing. He didn't know where to start, he knew Rimmer had contributed over the years, his mind just refused to tell him what at this point of time. Rimmer had always been there for him, keeping him sane and now when Rimmer needed him his voice had left him, he cursed himself, then realised that was something Rimmer had done, a reason for his existence. Lister looked up to say something but Rimmer had already moved away and was heading out the door with a sigh that sounded almost like a sob to Lister.
Lister had forgotten about the incident until that morning when something had triggered the memory. Now the memory pained him, he wish he had gone after Rimmer and told him, but he hadn't been sure what to do, instead he let Rimmer go, thinking he would want time alone. Afterwards they had never discussed that conversation, Rimmer just pretended it never happened, just went back to being smeghead, gimboid, Rimmer and Lister had made himself forget.
Throughout his life Lister had tried not to think about destiny and fate and reasons for being, he normally ignored the whole subject, but the memory had made him think. Other than being the last human alive, what had he done otherwise? He had gone to Rimmer's grave hoping to find the answer, but he knew he had already known the answer, it was the same as the answer to Rimmer's question all those months ago. They all affected those around them, impacted on each other lives, they existed for each other, each with their own special purpose. Fate had chosen him to be the last human male alive, a space bum slob with no ambition and little respect for himself and what he could achieve. What better companions then a vain, self centred fashion orientated cat, a mothering mechanoid that was dedicated to ensuring his safety and that everything was neat and clean, a successful woman that loved him and a smeghead that taught him responsibility and maybe even something about his own self worth.
Deciding he had found what he had wanted, Lister stood up soon realising someone was coming up behind him, he knew instinctively it was Kris, he had probably been gone a long time and she had come to investigate. He turned and gave her a warm smile, letting her know she wasn't interrupting anything. She stepped forward and took his hand in hers, looking down sadly at the headstone. They were going to lay another one near it the next day as a tribute to all those that lost their lives to the gestalt called the Rage, but for now Arnold Rimmer rested alone. They both knew they would all end up here sometime eventually, after the human race had been reborn and they could finally find eternal rest. Rimmer was just the first, he had been the one to make it possible in a way, by destroying the gestalt they now had a lush living caring planet to enable their survival.
"You ready to go, it'll be getting dark soon" Kris moved closer to him as a late afternoon breeze, picked up, the wind seemed to caress them both momentarily and then move on.
"Yeah I was just…just thinking about existence…Our existence."
There was a moment of silence, as they both retreated into their own thoughts, then Kris squeezed his hand flashing him one of her famous smiles, "I used to query my existence before I met you, but now, I know the reason for my existing."