Warning: attempts at humor.
Set in the FMAB world, but in some weird AUish timeline where everyone's –somewhat- not enemies. And alive. And they all text each other, obviously, because they now have phones and computers and online shopping and stuff.
Um. Yeah. I dunno. Just go along with me on this one?

From: Bastard
Fullmetal, report to my office. Now.
Received: 3:09 PM, November 5

From: Fullmetal
NO. STOP ORDERING ME TO DO STUFF THROUGH TEXTS.
Received: 3:12 PM, November 5

From: Bastard
...Explain something for me, right now.
Received: 3:14 PM, November 5

From: Fullmetal
WHAT.
Received: 3:15 PM, November 5

From: Bastard
Why is Alphonse in my office, completely inebriated, at three in the afternoon?
Received: 3:17 PM, November 5

From: Fullmetal
wha- …shit what is he doing
Received: 3:21 PM, November 5

From: Bastard
Well, before he was just sitting there, happily singing about kittens and mittens, but then he thought it would be a good idea to replicate his old armor out of Hawkeye's mahogany desk and wear it. And fill it with kittens he picked up from god knows where.
Received: 3:26 PM, November 5

From: Bastard
And she's got her finger on the trigger now. Havoc's not here to say something stupid to distract her, smart of him. She really liked that desk.
Alphonse's still dancing around with the cats flying out of the armor.
Received: 3:27 PM, November 5

From: Fullmetal
fuck ill be right there.
Received: 3:28 PM, November 5

From: Hawkeye
Second lieutenant Havoc, would you please explain something for me?
Received: 4:01 PM, November 5

From: Lieutenant Havoc
Of course~ ;)
Received: 4:04 PM, November 5

From: Hawkeye
Please explain to me why you thought it would be a good idea to give Alphonse a full bottle of rum, which is now completely empty by the way.
Received: 4:05 PM, November 5

From: Hawkeye
Lieutenant. I'm waiting for your answer.
Received: 4:16 PM, November 5

From: Hawkeye
Don't even think of running away. I've got my gun trained on your front door.
Received: 4:23 PM, November 5

From: Hawkeye
And the Colonel's got the back.
A cat landed in his lap.
The three of us are not happy.
Received: 4:24 PM, November 5

From: Al
Brother? brother i'm really sorry
Received: 5:59 AM, November 6

From: Al
Brotherrrr
Received: 6:00 AM, November 6

From: Al
I'm really really reallyyyyyyyy sorry
Received: 6:01 AM, November 6

From: Al
I really didnt mean it :'(
Received: 6:05 AM November 6

From: Al
I really didnt mean to call you the s word
Received: 6:06 AM, November 6

From: Al
Or force the mil- that disgusting white fluid produced by cows down your throat
Received: 6:06 AM, November 6

From: Al
So will you please open the door its cold out here and my head hurts like teacher slapped me with a cow
and theres a splinter in my armpit
Received: 6:07 AM, November 6

From: Automail Freak
ED! I HEARD YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THE INCIDENT UP NORTH TWO DAYS AGO AND YOU BROKE YOUR AUTOMAIL
Received: 11:01 AM, November 11

From: Ed
urm.. yeah winry about that...
Received: 11:03 AM, November 11

From: Automail Freak
i'm coming to central. the colonel already paid for the ticket wasn't that nice of him?
now stay still until i can get within wrench throwing distance. :)
Received: 11:06 AM, November 11

From: Ed
SHIT NO SORRY IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO LET THE DRACHMAN SPY SLICE IT OFF WITH THAT FUCKING CHAINSAW I SWEAR THAT CRAZY FUCKER JUST CHOPPED IT OFF
Received: 11:07 AM, November 11

From: Automail Freak
he. did. what. now?
Received: 11:08 AM, November 11

From: Hawkeye
Colonel, I hope you're not doing what I think you're doing right now.
Received: 1:49 PM, November 12

From: Colonel Mustang
Ah- Er- Lieutenant, whatever do you mean?
Received: 1:53 PM, November 12

From: Hawkeye
I heard that.
Received: 1:54 PM, November 12

From: Colonel Mustang
H-heard what, lieutenant?
Received: 1:56 PM, November 12

From: Hawkeye
The sound of paperwork ashes being thrown out the window.
Received: 1:57 PM, November 12

From: AMAZON . com
Mr. Fuery, your order of the following purchases have been shipped from the warehouse:
(1) 50 Shades of Grey
(1) Breaking Dawn
(1) Gluten-Free Baking for Dummies
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE
Received: 12:33 PM, November 13

From: Hughes
IMG_ 1211161390 .jpeg
ISN'T SHE SO CUTE AND ADORABLE~ MY LITTLE ELICIA~
Received: 9:22 AM, November 16

From: Hughes
IMG_ 1211169398 .jpeg
ooooh~ look at my sweetie eating with a spoon, all on her own! she's the cutest!33
Received: 9:47 AM, November 16

From: Hughes
IMG_ 1211161247 .jpeg
My two angels are going shoppinggg~ AREN'T THEY ADORABLE?3333
i bought that cute little pink bow for my baby~ isn't she perfect333333
Received: 10:25 AM, November 16

From: Roy
Who. Taught him how to send picture messages. And group messages.
Received: 10:34 AM, November 16

From: Havoc
notme
Received: 10:36 AM, November 16

From: Breda
NOT ME
Received: 10:39 AM, November 16

From: Hawkeye
Not me, sir.
Received: 10:45 AM, November 16

From: Falman
It wasn't me
Received: 10:47 AM, November 16

From: Fuery

ahahahahaha... well, you see, theres this funny story, sir...
Received: 10:59 AM, November 16

From: Brother
Al whered you go?
Received: 8:33 PM, November 20

From: Al
Uhhh Brother help meeeeeee
Received: 8:39 PM, November 20

From: Brother
WHAT WHERE ARE YOU WHATS WRONG WHOS ATTACKING
Received: 8:40 PM, November 20

From: Al
There was this cutest little black and white cat and I went to pet it and out of nowhere, this girl popped out at started beating me up and yelling at me and she stole my head and help meeeee brotherrr!
Received: 8:43 PM, November 20

From: Unknown Number
oi shortie
Received: 5:22 AM, November 21

From: Fullmetal Shortie
WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CANT EVEN GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT JUMPING DOWN
AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ITS 5 IN THE MORNING
Received: 5:27 AM, November 21

From: Unknown Number
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOL
Received: 5:29 AM, November 21

From: Unknown Number
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Received: 5:30 AM, November 21

From: Fullmetal Shortie
wtf
Received: 5:34 AM, November 21

From: Unknown Number
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Received: 5:36 AM, November 21

-I'm sorry, the number you have called is not available. Please leave a message after the beep. *beep*

"I. WILL. FIND. YOU."

a/n: aaaand that's a wrap! Thoughts? suggestions?

Everyone knows who that last one was, right? -winkkkkkkk.-
If there's enough response, I might continue this again soon- it was so fun to write. hehe.