Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Hyrule Version
Written by Austin Hale -
That's right! It's the famous game where if the contestant wins, he/she keeps the million rupees! But who will succeed in making it into the hot seat? We'll find out right now!! And now, our host, Kaepora Gaebora!!
KG: Thank you ladies and gentlemen of all kinds!
-looks out at crowd- -about 5 families there- -cricket chirping-
KG: -clears throat- Anyways, our contestants are: Link, from the Kokiri Forest. Ganondorf, from that old dump he has lived in for 30 years!
Ganondorf: -in sobby voice- I TRUSTED YOU!!! -runs away crying-
KG: Moving on, Zelda, from Hyrule Castle! Nabooru, from... um... where do you live again?
Nabooru: I... I don't have a home.
KG: -bursts laughing- AHAHAHAAA!!!! Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! -chuckles- Skullkid, from the Lost Woods! Saria, from some freaky salon! Darunia, from under a rock!
Darunia: IT'S A BOULDER, DANG IT!
KG: Well sorry, jeez! Ruto, from a swamp! Malon, from a pile of cow dung! And um... -whispers to executive off stage- where's the 10th contestant?
E: Impa's at an interview!
KG: Well, bring in a dummy! -man brings out a dummy- And... ... GEORGE!!! Let's give a hand to our contestants!
-all 5 families clap, poorly- hooray, hooray!
KG: Okay! Starting off, we'll have the fast finger challenge to see who'll be the lucky contestant! The question is: What order did Link have to hit the deku shrubs in the Great Deku Tree? Is it A: 3,2,1 B: 1,2,3 C:2,3,1 or D: What Deku Tree?
Link: Crap… I used to remember this! -whispers- Twenty-one is number, no-- Thirty-two is number 1!! That's IT!!
KG: -BEEP- TIME'S UP!! The fastest answer was Link, but did he have the right answer?
-computer screen shows he chose A-
KG: NOPE!! HE'S WRONG!! THE WINNER IS... SKULLKID, WITH THE ANSWER C!! He was the fastest!
Link: What? That's like, soooooo lame!
Skullkid: I WON?! I WON!! I DID IT!!
KG: That's right! Have a seat. -skullkid sits- You're very lucky to be in the hot seat!--
Skullkid: THIS SEAT IS HOT?! AAAAAAAAAH!! -jumps off chair and runs around in circles holding butt-
KG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU! It's just an expression!
SK: Oh, I knew that! -sits back down-
KG: Okay, you have 3 lifelines: 25/75, Fairy-a-friend, and ask the Audience. Remember there are only 10 questions because I want to go home and do what I do all day!
SK: And what would that be?
KG: You don't want to know! Alright, first question for $500! Where are the Zoras located? Is it A: Zora Domain B: Zora Hall C: Zora Fountain or D: Goron Village?
SK: Um... I would have to say... A
KG: Would you like to hear what I said again?
SK: No please.
KG: Skullkid... I'm sorry... but you are CORRECT!! Question 2 for $1000: What is 2 + 2? Is it A: 5 B: 4 C: -1 or D: 231,856,347,965,452,000 ?
SK: OH MY GOSH I KNOW THIS ONE!! Ok, hold on! um... I guess I'll use my 25/75 lifeline.
KG: Alrighty. That eliminates 3 of the possible answers, and all you're left with is D. What'll it be?
SK: Gee, that lifeline is good. It has to be that! OK! I Choose... B!
KG: Is that your-- I mean, would you like to hear what I said again?
SK: Please don't ask me again, you pansy wench!
KG: Whatever. And your answer is not Ri-- WRONG!! Question 3 for $2000... What is my favorite color? Is it A: orange B: orange C: orange or D: orange?
SK: Oh, man. This is a toughy. Only a stalker could answer that right. Um... I'm gonna guess... D!
KG: Would you li-- oh yeah, never mind. But you were close enough!! Question 4 for $4000, How many games have I been in? Is it A: None B: 2 C: 3 or D: All of the above?
SK: I'm sorry, was there a answer with "Who cares?"…
KG: …. No…. no there wasn't…
SK: Um... can I use my fairy-a-friend lifeline?
KG: Sure. Who would you like to fairy?
SK: My daddy! -crowd of 5 families laugh. Skullkid's eyes water-
KG: OK. Hey Tatl!
Tatl: Yeah?
KG: I need you to do me a big favor. Go find Skullkid's father, and ask him how many games I've been in? Hurry… HURRY!
Tatl: OK.
- 3 hours later. Tatl arrives, huffing and puffing -
Tatl: He... -breath- asked, "why... -breath- did my son waste... -breath- his time... asking -breath-... ... me?!" - big breath, and collapse-
SK: AAARGH!!! DARN MY FATHER!! MAY HE ROT IN THE BOWELS OF EL DIABLO!!!
-a fairy comes in with note-
SK: -reads letter- "Skullkid, you are grounded. From, your Dad. PS Haha" AAARGH!!! He thinks he can outsmart me, eh? I'm the man in the Bessemer mask...aka, man in the steel mask, you … father! I don't give a jack smack! Don't ground me, don't even think about it you crazy kidstas, Mista Kidstas, ex banned Mista Kidsta that smacks the jackety smack off jack smack!
KG: Um... What? –to himself- Sheesh… somebody's got some issues to work out… -To Skullkid- Try going to your dad and talk to him. You can get a map at--
SK: Please, don't get smart with me. Now is neither the time nor the place. I know how to access the map my fair jack smack. Just where are the darn maps anyways?
KG: I believe they are in North Clock Town. If not, maybe northeast or just East. I think it's just north!
SK: THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTION NICELY. GOOD JOB JACKY.
KG: Sorry dude, I was just telling you-
SK: I know dude, I'm just fooling with you. I'm just in a bad mood cause my dad failed to send me a birthday card. I haven't seen the guy in five years, and by the way, he raises, skunks and llamas like a jack smack would.
KG: ... what's a Jack smack?
SK: Hopefully you don't think I'm the crazy one. It's this game, you know, that's driving me crazy. Actually it's my real dad. Don't blame me. You haven't seen what I've seen with the skunk/llama trials.
KG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU!!! SHUT UP!!!! THE FRIGGIN MAPS ARE AT THE NORTH CLOCK TOWN AREA!!!! THAT'S WHERE IT IS!!! OK?! ALRIGHT??!?!! IS EVERYBODY FRIGGIN HAPPY!!?!?!?! CAUSE I'M NOT!!!!! WE NEED TO FINISH THE SHOW!!!
SK: I THINK I'M GONNA GO CRAZY!!!!
KG: YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GO CRAZY?! I STILL DON"T KNOW WHAT A JACK SMACK IS! –Ahem- Anyways… We'll be right back after these messages. Thank you. No really. The humor has ended.
SK: IT'S ONLY THE FIRST HALF YOU PIT-DIDDLE!!!!
KG: Pit-diddle? What the… er—Don't go anywhere folks 'cause we'll be right back!
-looks at crowd. silence-
KG: Um... bye! No really bye. QUIT WASTING YOUR TIME READING THIS, IT'S OVER!! IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, WELL HA!!! I'VE JUST WASTED ABOUT 10 SECS. OF YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN A JACK SMACK… whatever that is…
(To be continued...)