Hello my dear readers! My world came to an end a few days ago. My best friend died in his sleep. He suffered a massive heart attack. We had been through so much in our short lives: love, heartbreak, hope, joy and even death of some of our fellow classmates. There is no words to express the hole in my heart at the moment, and I use that phrase in this fic and the other one I posted earlier. Even knowing he didn't suffer any pain was of little comfort to me. Some of what Noah says in this fic I have said many times over the last few days. My friend Scott was very much like Finn, always smiling and happy. He was a big guy like Finn with a heart of gold. So please if you have someone that is such a big part of your life that you can't picture them not being there anymore HUG THEM! Let them know how you feel! So that when you do have to say goodbye that final time it won't hurt so much. Peace my friends Hemmy
The Final Goodbye
Standing over the freshly dug shallow grave a shaking hand drops a single dark red rose to the top of the Mahogany casket below. The soft thud is the loudest sound to the grief stricken man.
Friends try to lead him away telling him it's over that it was for the best. If God thought this was what was best for him then he prayed for God to send his worst.
He feels the strong arms of his husband gently trying to guide him away, telling him the kids are in the car and waiting for them. He can't move, he can't think, he only feels the emptiness in his soul where warmth used to be.
He is being lifted now, carried to the waiting car for the ride back to the solemn house filled with grief stricken friends and family members. He thinks of the 'family' they all used to be once upon a time before college degrees and responsibilities.
He struggles in the strong arms of his lover, wanting to go back, to say something, maybe just scream at the sky to God "WHY?" The arms never let him go, they never let him fall to the ground. They hold tight keeping him together, keeping him from completely falling apart.
The kids are put in another car for the ride back to the house as everyone could see the meltdown that was happening before their eyes. Auntie Mercy and Uncle Sam made sure the kids were safe. Everyone else climbed into their own cars as though the scene wasn't happening.
He lands two punches to his husband's face before the larger man could wrap him in his arms again. No words are said by the larger man holding his life mate against his body. No jealousy felt by him as he watches the man he loves with his whole heart grieve for someone else with such fury.
After what feels like a life time they are sitting in the backseat of the car, the smaller man begging his husband to let him go back, to just let him have more time. The larger man tells the driver to take the long way back to the house, to just drive around for a while.
As the car pulls away and the grave is being filled the headstone shines for a moment in the sun.
Finnegan Hudson
1994-2023
Forever Living in our Hearts and Memories
Dave holds his husband of seven years knowing that this is just the beginning, that the first time Noah reaches for the phone to call Finn would be another breakdown. Going back to the house that was filled with so many memories of gentle giant was going to be unbearable for Jewish man, Dave knew this but he also knew that Noah had to accept what happened to Finn; that he was never coming back.
In the ten years they had been together Dave had never felt threatened by Finn or the relationship Noah had with the man. Finn was Noah's best friend and they had been through hell together since they were in grade school. They survived baby-gate, being used against each other by the girls in the 'family', Finn's support had never wavered when Noah came out and he even welcomed Dave into the 'family' after promising to kick his ass if he ever hurt Noah. Finn had been the one to place Noah's smaller dark hand in Dave's pale larger one during the wedding ceremony. So, no Dave never had an issue with Finn, not even now.
Dave remembers the phone call from Mercedes six days ago, Finn had been sitting on the back deck watching the kids play in the backyard when Rachel came out to tell everyone lunch was ready. Rachel had thought her husband was a sleep until she kissed his cheek finding it cold. Her screams alerted Burt and Carole to the tragedy. The EMTS were called and he was pronounced DOA at the hospital. Finn's heart had grown with his body it seemed, an enlarged heart that was too big, and he had had a massive heart attack. The doctor said the only positive thing, he never suffered any pain. It was like he went to sleep. There was no comfort in that news.
It had taken Dave two hours to calm Noah enough to make arrangements for the four of them to fly into Lima's small airport from their home in Arlington, Virginia. The architectural firm that Noah helped to establish would be fine without him for a few days and Dave managed to take off some personal time from the criminal task force he was involved with at the police department. Seven year old Katy and five year old Caleb were excused from their school without any problems.
Now the kids were with their Auntie Mercy and Uncle Sam hopefully helping Finn's own children deal with the loss of their father. Kids are strange creatures, they take things better than the adults. They accept that there is a better place called heaven and that people are happier there instead of here where there is so much hate and pain.
Dave looks at his husband's tear stained face, gently kissing the wet tracks. The somber red rimmed hazel eyes stare blankly back at him. "I just want him back! I just want him to say this was all a joke, a mistake! I want my best friend back!" The cries are loud and clear even though the voice is rough and hoarse from the sobbing Jewish man.
"I know you do baby. But he's gone and there's not a damn thing I can do to bring him back. I know it hurts. It hurts me the way you are grieving so hard and it's killing me that I can't do anything to help make it better." Dave's own tears begin to mingle with Noah's. "I wish I could bring him back for you, I do."
"He was only twenty nine! He shouldn't have died! He should still be here for Rachel and the kids! He should still be here for ME! I need him Dave! He's been there since kindergarten! I need him to come back!" Noah's voice rising with each scratchy demand.
"Baby I know. But you still have me and the kids. We need you." Dave strokes the wavy curly dark hair. "I need you Noah. I know you are hurting right now but I need you too. I need to know that you are going to accept this and be alright in time. I need to know that you aren't going to do something stupid, because I can't live without you. You are my life Noah, you and the kids."
Noah squirms in Dave's arms seeing the tears in his husband's eyes and know they are there because of him, not Finn. The thought of never seeing Dave and the kids seems to jolt him back to where he needs to be.
"This is the first time I have ever lost someone that I know is not going to come back. When my Dad left, he didn't die he just left and there was always a chance that he would come back to me. But there isn't a chance that Finny is coming back to me, he is gone forever." Noah sniffling trying to control his tears as he looks at Dave. The man holding onto him is the man he built a life with, the father of their children, a man he loves equally as Finn if not more so in a different way.
"You are my life too. I just don't know how my life can exist without Finny. He has always been there, even when he was mad at me he was always there. I have this big hole in my heart and it hurts so much knowing that he is gone. But the thought of losing you or the kids makes my heart stop beating, like I would die if you guys were gone." Noah grips Dave's hand hoping that he understands.
"I don't know when it will stop hurting Noah and I am not going to lie and say that it will get easier, because I just don't know. All I know is that if you allow the grief to control you it will destroy you. And I know that Finn would not want you to do that, he would want you to keep on living." Dave wipes the tears away from Noah's cheeks and brushes a light kiss on his temple. "Are you ready to go back now and face everyone?"
"No but I know I have to. Carole, Burt, Rachel and the kids are hurting more than I am, they need to know we are there for them. Can we swing by the hotel first? I want to pick up my guitar." Noah leans back into the seat next to Dave holding his hand.
Dave tells the driver to swing by the hotel and then on to the Hudmel house.
Their arrival is announced by Blaine who had been outside getting some air. Carole is the first to the door and envelopes Noah in a bone crushing hug and kisses him on the cheek. Burt is the second person to hug him. Dave is even greeted with hugs and questions of whether Noah is okay. The large man simply nods his head.
Noah carries his guitar into the living room. He looks at all the faces of the friends and family members seeing their red eyes and the tissues in their hands, he knows that there is not a one single person in this room that isn't hurting over Finn.
"I know we all loved Finn and Rachel you were his heart. The kids were his soul. Everyone in this room was his family. Our children refer to all of us as either uncles or aunties because of it. None of us never needed to be blood related to feel like family, we just became one many years ago in a choir room. I would like to sing a song for Finn. Rachel is that okay?" Noah looks at the small frail woman who simply nods as her lips begin to quiver. "Carole and Burt will recognize this song. It was written by an amazing singer songwriter for his son when he passed away."
Noah strums the familiar melody looking at Carole who simply smiles as the tears slip down her cheeks. Burt puts his arm around his wife pulling her close quietly humming along. Noah's rich voice fills the room as the children sit on the floor in front of their parents.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way,
through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
(instrumental)
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know
I don't belong
Here in heaven
The last chord is strummed and Noah looks up at his friends, at their 'family'. The tears and love shine in all their eyes. He watches Carole walk to the front of the room.
"I want to thank each and everyone of you for coming. All of you played an important part in his life. He found what he had been searching for most of his life in his sophomore year, a family of his own. All of you loved each other as hard as you fought each other. I know that you have lives of your own, families of your own. But I want you to look around this room and remember that we are a family too. I love you all and I am proud to call you our family."
Hugs and tears are shared as well as memories of the freakishly tall man. The next generation of kids listened as stories were told filled with laughter of a choir room filled with love and understanding.