Chapter 1
Narcissa Malfoy rolled her eyes for what had to be the tenth time since the meeting had gathered in Malfoy Manor. And to think she had spent all morning making sure the place was spotless and low and behold, the Death Eaters who Apparated one by one into the house had turned it upside down.
"Why is the Dark Lord taking so long?" crooned her sister, Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Shh!" hissed her husband Rodolphus who was picking his nose with his wand. Nine inch ironwood with a cockatrice feather, in other words the perfect booger picker. "Ahh that feels nice."
"Hey Lucius!" shouted Walden Macnair who was using a house elf to polish his ridiculously large executioner's axe with apple butter and baby powder. "Got anything to drink here besides pink lemonade?"
"In the cupboard by the door," Lucius answered annoyed. He was too busy combing his silver hair with a glittery hot pink comb with the words, "Magical Princess" on the side.
"But why can't he come now?!" whined Bellatrix, who began pouting with her black lips and striking her head against the table. "I want him to come now!"
Goyle and Crabbe, both massive meatheads that made livestock look skinny were busy using a house elf as tennis practice with antique China dishes. Narcissa moaned mentally, did no one notice her beautiful decorative display inspired by Bartha Slewart, Magical-Mart sponsor and cooking extraordinaire? It was too bad Bartha had fled to the US and had changed her name; she would have made a fine Death Eater.
"Oh Carrow, you're so soft and warm," whispered Avery. "Warmer than a dragon's breath after it has fried a Muggle to well done."
"Oh Avery, you've always had a way with words!" Alecto Carrow giggled, kissing back with equal fervor.
"STOP IT ALECTO!" shouted her brother Amyscus who sat right beside his sister, covering his ears as if he was hearing the screams of a mandrake.
"Amycus, you're just jealous that I've finally found someone who appreciates me for who I am," his sister shot back. "Isn't that right werewolf snookums?"
"Damn right girl, so why don't you just chill out Amy and drink some more of Narcissa's pink lemonade?" Avery cooed.
"DON'T CALL ME AMY!" whined Amycus, who began tried futilely to poke out Avery's eye with his wand that was just a few inches too short.
"He's just sad that he never could get with the girl of his dreams," Alecto smugly added.
"And who was that my dementor darling?"
"Minerva McGonagle," she whispered with a cruel sneer.
Antonin Dolohov who was 'reading' the latest issue of "PlayWitch suddenly shot up from his chair, eyes wide, the drool continuing to form from his lips.
"NOOOO!!" cried out Amycus in pure terror as if he had been struck with the killing curse a thousand times over. "My secret has been revealed!"
"Dude, Minerva was so hot!" Antonin stated, throwing his issue of PlayWitch behind him. The animated naked girls on broomsticks screamed in terror as the magazine burst into flames in the fireplace.
"She was your teacher!" Travers shouted, who was busy painting his nails black and adding little green Slytherin stickers to them one by one. "Yaxley, hand me the nail polish would you?"
Yaxley grunted, wearing a collar around his neck that said: Today's Bitch Slave; property of Voldemort Inc.
"She had the biggest rack EVER!" Antonin ranted, emphasizing his point by hand motions on his chest. "Like, bigger than that Sprout chick and SHE was a heavy girl!"
"No way!" Thorfinn Rowle protested. "Mulciber's mom was hotter! Didn't you see her during that Hogsmeade visit and her see through robes and sports bra?"
"Don't talk about my mom like that!" snapped Mulciber, who was busy stuffing his face with Draco's candy box that had the words 'I 3 Harry' all over it in glowing crayon and markers. "She still wears that sports bra though," he added as an afterthought.
"Dude Minerva is like so old though now," Nott added, who accepted a bottle of Bulgarian Death Brandy from Macnair and began pouring the skull shaped bottle into a glass of pink lemonade. A miniature mushroom cloud arose from the mixture and Nott threw his head back for a shot. "Ahh, just like warm milk."
"I like older woman!" Amycus cried out. "What's wrong with that?"
"Not only is she old, she could transfigure your other 'wand' into a dog and drop kick it to France," Nott added, abandoning to mix his drink and decided to just chug the entire skull bottle.
"Hey that reminds me," Antonin said. "Hey Wormtail, what's your initials again?"
Wormtail who was sitting at the edge of the table was using his metallic hand to crush peanuts and cursing each time, looked up.
"Pee Pee," he answered. "Why?"
The entire table erupted into raucous of laughter, with the exception of Bellatrix who kept banging her head.
"HAHA, you said PEE PEE!" squealed Jugson who was working on a crossword puzzle in the Daily Prophet while reading his Zodiac that read: 'You will die eventually.'
"I can't believe he fell for it again!"
Avery had his hand around Alecto and the couple laughed so hard they fell back on their chairs and proceeded to make out again.
"God Wormtail, you're so bad at life," Mulciber giggled as he bit off the head of a Mudblood Cookie that was making a mad dash for the edge of the table. "Why did the Dark Lord even save your butt anyway?"
Wormtail turned purple in the face with indignation.
"I am the Dark Lord's loyal servant!" he squeaked, throwing peanut shells at Mulciber with gusto. "I am willing to do whatever he wishes!"
"I bet he's going to feed you to Nagini for a midnight snack. She's been licking her tongue at you for a while now," Thorfinn laughed, winking at Wormtail. "I think she's got the hots for you!"
"She's a snake!" peeped Wormtail, clutching his non existent tail.
"Snakes have feelings too! It's called being HUNGRY," Thorfinn retorted.
"I'll take that bet and raise you 50 galleons," Jugson challenged, after he finished scribbling the words, 'I DON'T GIVE A SHIT in the last 4 squares of the crossword.
"75!" Thorfinn shot back.
"65 and I'll throw in my daughter!"
"You don't have a daughter Jugson," Lucius said, now adding little bat hair pins while giggling with his mirror. The rest of his Magical Princess accessories scattered across the table. Now if only he had some of that unicorn glitter that he saw a baby prostitute wear on Harlot Hill Street last weekend…
"No but Augustus does!" Jugson retorted, folding his arms with supreme confidence.
"DEAL!" shouted Thorfinn and the two men shook hands firmly, then locking their pinkies in a pinky promise.
"You're okay with them giving away your daughter Rookwood?" Travers asked, his one hand extended while Laxley trimmed them with a filer. It was SO hard to find a good manicure in London these days with the economy. It was best to use the slave system.
"I don't care," grunted Rookwood, who was slamming the pitcher of pink lemonade so hard that Narcissa was about to leap at him with her butter knife. Did he not realize how many coupons she had meticulously cut out and mailed just to have that exclusive Goblin Tupperware set? "She's reached puberty."
"Ahhhhh," the whole table exclaimed in understanding. Thorfinn paled at the thought of inheriting an instable hormonal teenager witch in his house. Jugson had to snatch some crackers from Mulciber and shoved them in his mouth to stop from laughing.
"Where is the DARK LORD!?" screamed Bellatrix as she raised her bruised forehead from the table, grasping for her wand, foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. "WHERE I SAY?!"
"Rodolphus do something!" Nott screamed, as the table ran for cover except for Alecto and Avery who were already under the table moving onto second base. Macnair was shoving off Wormtail who was trying to hide behind the giant cleaver. "Find your own ridiculously over sized axe to hide behind! This one is mine!"
"Ahh that was a good one," Rodolphus sighed as he flicked a giant booger at the window. "I think that was a winner. I should name it or something. How about Snuggles?"
"Your wife! Rodolphus please do something!" Amycus squealed, clutching a censored portrait of Professor McGonagle to his chest.
"Ah yes, I suppose," he replied, standing up from his chair and after digging around his pocket, stuck his wife in the neck with a giant needle that had a giant smiley yellow face on the side.
"Come on Bella, it's time for you to calm the fuck down and knit something," he commanded, wearily sitting back down and continued to dig for hidden treasures.
"Yes honey," she answered obediently. Bellatrix's crazed expression slowly became a beaming smile as she happily squirmed in her seat and pulled out a ball of green and silver yarn and began to knit with gusto. "I'm making something for the Dark Lord, isn't that nice?" she looked at Narcissa with wide glazed eyes.
"Bella, you do realize you're making underwear for the Dark Lord?"
"Yes, I thought he would look extra sexy in them," she replied, knitting with almost mechanical movements. Someone gagged in the background. Macnair began hurriedly handing out bottles of Banshee Brandy, Japanese Tsunami Sake, Russian Lycan Liquor and Centaur Crack Cookies to everyone who was trying desperately to get rid of the image of the words "sexy" and "Dark Lord" out of their heads. Someone barfed in the corner and even Alecto and Avery stopped groping each other under the table to exchange horrified looks.
"I don't think he has anything down south, if you know what I mean," Antonin whispered. "I mean, he didn't even have a body for years…"
"What was that Dolohov?" a cool voiced cut through. Antonin pissed in his pants. Mulciber began choking on a danish until Crabbe had to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Goyle was still attempting to piece together the words "sexy" and "Dark Lord" together with his fat fingers.
There was silence, and everyone took their seats, with Alecto and Avery emerging with ruffled hair from under the table. Jugson took the opportunity to snatch Antonin's stash of PlayWitch and PentCastle under the table. Bellatrix squealed at the sight of Voldemort and began knitting with furious drive. Lucius kept humming "Girlfriend" to himself while powdering his face with blush.
"Hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend…"
"Did I hear you Antonin doubt my vigorous manhood?" Voldemort hissed, his eye slits ablaze with rage. Didn't these peasants know that he only had to use the Erecto charm once a week now?
"Ah, my Lord," stammered Antonin.
"Shall I prove to you just how manly I am?!" shouted Voldemort in a thunderous voice that shook the chandeliers. He reached for under his robes and immediately the few Malfoy portraits on the walls were screaming in terror as they tried to cover their eyes for what could be a death blow to them all.
"NOOOOOOO!!" screamed everyone at the table, except for Bellatrix who shrilled an enthusiastic "YES" before someone stuffed a sock in her mouth. Someone passed out on the table, everyone else was screaming in pure horror at the mere thought.
"That's what I thought," Voldemort smugly added, sitting at the head of the table. "Like my eyebrows? I just got them waxed."
When no one replied, because the Dark Lord had no eyebrows, he glared menacingly.
"Oh yes they are beautiful!" Macnair shouted. "Quite the style my lord."
"Yes yes, I saw the same style in CosmoWitch last issue!" Alecto stammered out. She tried in vain to charm away the little bite marks on her neck but gave up after accidentally setting fire to Narcissa's potpourri.
"It's so fetch my lord," Travers complimented. "I loves it."
"Travers, what is fetch?" Narcissa asked slightly annoyed. She was the Queen of Slang here and by Merlin's beard she wasn't going to let that cross dressing loser put her to shame in her own house. She was from South Side. She wasn't going to take this nonsense from this metrosexual garbage.
"Oh it's slang," Travers hurriedly added and for no good reason slapped Yaxley. "From…England."
"But Travers, we are from England," Thorfinn pointed out.
"Oh," Travers said. "Right."
Nott slapped his hand across his face. Avery chuckled until Voldemort stared at him until he had complete silence.
"My loyal servants," he began, standing up from his chair. "It is time we make a move against the Muggles and the Ministry! Now, who has any ideas for conquering the world by the end of next year? I have an interview for The Top Ten Most Diabolically Evil People With Bad Accents tonight in London that I simply must attend to so we'll keep this meeting short if you all did your homework and research."
Most of the Death Eaters were looking away nervously; a few thumbing their nails, most avoided eye contact. Nott whistled inconspicuously. Goyle was still in shock from finally realizing what "sexy" and "Dark Lord" together meant and he was motionless in his seat, his eyes rolling into the back of his sockets.
"No one?" Voldemort sighed. "You, Antonin, tell me your idea!"
Antonin who had just cleaned up his mess wet his pants again and began sweating buckets.
"Well err my lord, we could umm," he began, too afraid to face the Dark Lord with anything.
Lucius rolled his eyes and kept singing.
"No way no way, I think you need one, hey hey you you, I could be your girlfriend…"
"YES! Girlfriend! That's what I meant to say!" Antonin stammered out, his breath heaving in gasps.
Voldemort arched his nonexistent eyebrow in puzzlement.
"My girlfriend? What does Nagi have to do anything about this?"
Mulciber puked again, watching the half digested Muggle crackers crawling away on the carpet only to collapse as the stomach acid continued to eat their limbs away.
"No no not Nagi my lord," Antonin added hurriedly. "I meant, if we conquer the minds of all the witches, we can easily conquer the rest of Britain in one fell swoop!"
Voldemort sat back down, clearly interested. Nagi appeared from his sleeves and he proceeded to stroke her. Everyone shuddered.
"Explain Antonin," he commanded.
"Well my lord, if we are able to sway all the wizarding witches to our side with dark perfumes and expensive but popular dark arts fashion clothing, well all those wizards out there will have no choice but to follow their wives and girlfriends and then when everyone is distracted, we can strike!"
It was the stupidest idea during a board meeting since Amycus suggested they all throw rocks at Dumbledore until he surrendered Professor McGonagle to them.
Finally after a moment of silence, Voldemort nodded.
"I like it, how do we start?"
Everyone was flabbergasted but no one was more surprised than Antonin who nearly blacked out for holding his breath for so long.
"Well," coughed Narcissa. If no one was going to appreciate her beautiful decorating tips from Dungeon Living and Dark Witch Motherhood, she was just going to end this meeting so they could all get the hell out of her house. "My lord, I'd like to volunteer to begin scouting for possible candidates. Along with my sister and Alecto, we would be honored to lead the recruitment process."
"Ah yes Narcissa," Voldemort hissed. "As always, you have more brains and balls than your lesser half," gesturing to Lucius who was now frowning at a zit on his nose. "Make that your lesser one fourth. Make it happen my dear, and report back to me next week. Everyone else, go blow up something in the meantime."
He stood up again, and tucked Nagini back into his robes. Everyone shuddered where that snake went inside of those layers. Before the snake disappeared she winked at Wormtail. Wormtail crapped his pants.
"Now I must be off to dinner with MTV executives from America. They may be Muggles but they are destroying the very core of American values with their bad reality shows. Truly commendable of the Dark Arts I must say. Toodles!"
And in a flash of green the Dark Lord disappeared.
Narcissa sighed and yanked out the sock from Bellatrix who finally finished the underwear.
"Look Cissa! It's all done!" she beamed with delight and proceeded to wear it as a bonnet.
As Narcissa looked at her wrecked dining room, she decided it was time for a woman to take charge. Now, where could she get some suitable power hungry girls now a days?
Pansy Parkinson quickly yanked on her sweater and smoothed out her skirt as she closed the door to Draco's bedroom with malice. Half way out of the hallway she realized she left her Wicktoria's Secret double D invisible strapless bra in the bedroom but she was late for her meeting with other Slytherin girls for a night of flashing the head off of Nearly Headless Nick.
She pulled out her wand and pointed at her skirt, making the herpes spots invisible for now. As much as Draco Malfoy boasted about his "wand" skills, she was leaving unsatisfied again, especially since he kept moaning Harry Potter's name over and over. Didn't he know her name was Pansy and not Harry? Maybe he was dyslexic.
She would have to confer with CosmoWitch for advice later. CosmoWitch always had the best advice for any situation. According to the weight lost plan by witch columnist Aixerona Aimilub, also known as Dr. A.A, starvation was the only sure way to drop a few pounds. And she really wanted to lose those 3 pounds to fit in that fishnet frilly black dress she saw at Knockturn Alley. No matter it cost more than the wealth of entire nations. That's why she had daddy's credit card.
As she walked into her room, covered with giant portraits of Draco Malfoy with little hearts and dried lip stick smears on his face, she found a letter with glittery letters with an Evil Hello Kitty seal sitting on top of her desk. Wondering if her STD treatment had come in, Pansy opened the letter with gusto. Her crotch was beginning to itch and it made sitting rather uncomfortable. Upon reading the short letter, Pansy began cackling madly.
She grabbed her Bitchtoria' Secret lip gloss, threw some clothing and hair products in her bag and ran to the nearest exit. Finally, someone noticed her fashion skills and appreciated it. So long reading Teen Witch magazines and painting her own nails. It was time to rule the world.