As She Goes II
I will never love another, like I love her…
I made that silent vow on Usagi's wedding day. I never broke it, it never even crossed my mind to try. I still love her, and I doubt that will ever change. I certainly don't want it to. I promised myself that I would be happy for her, that I would stand beside her, that I would not betray her, and…above all…more than anything…
That no matter what happened, I'd always, always, look after her.
I…I swore that to myself when forced smiles were night enough. When she asked why I was crying, I told her it was because...
Because I was happy for her. So very happy, that I just didn't know what to do. I think she knew even then, that my words were a lie. Still, I made the vow to myself on Usagi's wedding day that she would never regret her marriage because of my feelings.
I made that promise something tangible when I told her how beautiful she looked. I never thought it possible for her to look more stunning. I made the choice then, to put my faith into her, as if she were my own, living, breathing goddess. My god, my savior, the reason for any redemption I may need, and any sin I might commit. I decided, when I watched Mamoru put that ring on her finger; I would personally devote the entirety of my being to Usagi…to love her in ways that even Mamoru couldn't.
By even becoming Usagi's sacrifice, if it came down to that. I'd baptize myself in the blood and flames of my enemies, if I had to. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I was so sure that I would never again find a new level of enlightenment.
Yet, Usagi has a gift.
She proves me wrong, tests my assumptions to the brink and fractures them until they shatter like glass. There is, maybe, one thing I didn't take into account. That's silly to think about, because it's so obvious, I should have thought about it.
Maybe I was too young?
I don't know…but, maybe I was lucky to not have considered that there would be another to take my breath away. That way, I could be pleasantly surprised. Not in the same way, surely. Yet, there is still one person, besides Usagi, that makes my heart skip beats…one other person, who brings tiny little moment, and makes them oh, so very valuable.
Usagi's daughter, Chibiusa.
Usagi wears motherhood well. Carries it upon her shoulders with the selfsame dignity and poise that she uses with any other task… that is to say outwardly, she's the perfect queen and mother. Inwardly, she's still that pain in my butt. She still has a sweet tooth, and she still smudges my things. Now, it just happens to be court documents, not comics, but it's the selfsame frustration.
There's something about those chocolate chip cookie crumbs at the side of her lip, a rare indulgence nowadays, and I find myself offering Usagi, our wonderful queen, a napkin in response.
Chibiusa, on the other hand, that little girl needs a bath.
They're both beautiful…in spite of those chocolate smudges…maybe, in Chibiusa's case, because of them. A memory of the youth we once had, so far gone now. Such a simple little thing. It's amazing how much joy it brings, when one comes to think about it. It leads me to wonder about days gone by. I don't do that nearly enough. I lost part of myself on her wedding day, let part of my identity behind...
Hino Rei...behind...because I became entirely Sailor Mars.
Seeing Chibiusa, hold her after she was born, watching her grow...I remember parts of my childhood, parts of my youth...
How many days did we sit around, gorging ourselves on Makoto's snacks and gushing over boys? How many nights did we spend sipping on hot chocolate and playing those stupid little dating quizzes in Minako's magazines? What about Ami, how many exams did she bail us out of? How many visions did I have about the future? How many things didn't I say to her...things that really...should have been said...things that needed to be.
Usagi's smile, it means the world to me...it meant the world to me back then, too.
Even so, on Usagi's wedding day, I had said that she was beautiful. I spoke it, as if it were the only truth in the world, and I'd say it again now. These two women, they have never before looked so naturally beautiful, so much like the memories I hold dear. I even miss the way they fought like siblings…there was an innocence to Usagi then…something that over the years, though still stunning white and pure, is not the same thing at all.
As I stand, picking up Usagi's diaper clad toddler, I steady my breath as the small child hugs herself to me. A new lesson falls over me, something even more profound than I thought possible. It isn't anything life changing, and it's so natural to me, that I suppose…I never really just sat down and thought about it.
But, I know it to be the truth now.
I will never protect others, like I will protect them…even if it's from the horrors of a bubble bath.
And...
I love Chibiusa, as if she were my own daughter...the family I will never allow myself to have.