Disclaimer: Joss owns the Buffy characters: I think Disney owns the word animatronic but I wouldn't swear to it. Otherwise, 'tis mine.
Author's Notes: Thanks to the WC; thanks also to all those cool online pages about amusement parks, for giving me some linguistic templates for the story. An older idea of mine -- from sometime in season four, I'd say.
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WELCOME TO HELLMOUTH PARK!
Welcome young and old to Hellmouth Park, where our motto is "You'll never want to leave." Although some funnymen keep scratching out the want to, we're sure you know what we mean!
Here at Hellmouth Park, we pride ourselves on providing thrills and chills, good food, good bands and good fun for people of all ages. Children can have fun on the Hansel and Gretel carousel, or stop by our friendly wolf petting zoo; those in it for the scares might want to look at James & Grace's Ghostly Embrace, which'll have you clinging to one another (Out of love or terror! We don't care!), or check out Marcy's Invisible Maze; while thrillseekers will no doubt want to try one of our five rollercoasters, including everybody's old favorite the Master's Caverns or Faith's Descent into Evil.
HISTORY OF HELLMOUTH PARK
Hellmouth Park was founded in 1995 on the foundations of Sunnydale Gardens, an ancient picnic area and trolley park designed by Richard Wilkins over 100 years ago. It was a quiet and pastoral place, slowly built up by Mr. Wilkins and his descendants of the same name until Richard Wilkins IV left to go into politics in 1984.
A young man named Joss Whedon took one look at the place and said, "Here's the perfect spot for my park!" We started out small, with only a bare dozen or so rides, but look at us now! Over fifty rides, live daily music and shows, and plenty of delicious food! Joss Whedon still runs the park to this day with his loyal coterie of assistants; often he can be found wandering through the park talking to the customers to see how things are going, finding out what scares people, and what doesn't. Be warned: Joss will not always take your advice, and frequently he'll tear down an established ride just for the hell of it to see how the public will react! That's our founder Joss, a wacky guy! Look for him around Monkey Crack island.
LAYOUT
Hellmouth Park is divided into several parts once you get beyond the entranceway: Buffy's Summer Nightmare, the Haunted Willow Grove, Oz's Luna Park, Angel City, Spike's Spikes (adult-only rides) and Xander's Place (currently badly underdeveloped). For shopping there are all the stores on Chase Place.
CHANGES
Since last season we've added ten new rides; this means, unfortunately, that some of our older rides have had to be removed. So you will no longer be able to listen to the animatronic Mayor Wilkins deliver a speech, be chased through Principal Snyder's Haunted Hallway, or listen to the music of the gay '90s at Larry's Club. These, sadly, join Kendra's island tour and Jenny's Calendar shop as bits of lost Hellmouth Park.
LATE BULLETIN: Recently we've had to shut down Maggie Walsh's Cage of Doom and Doyle's Futurevision. But, good news! Drusilla's Ride under the Stars is being repaired and will definitely be back in time for next season!
AND LOOK AT WHAT WE ADDED!
All new for Hellmouth Park this season! Riley's Fins, a brand new water ride that starts out calm and placid and then takes some shocking twists and turns! And then there's Gakhnar's Shifting House, where your fears will seem very small indeed. And finally, there's our BRAND NEW roller coaster, Buffy's Love Life! This traditional steel coaster is so massive it has three separate sections! First there's Angel, which begins in the darkness and has more twists and curves than most of you can handle! Then there's Parker, which is one giant dip, and finally there's the Riley section, which starts out quietly but soon sends you into loop after loop of dizzying panic and wild emotion. Of course, the ride will inevitably end up where it started, with Angel.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!
We still have your favorites! The Fishmen's Sewer coaster, a watery dark ride; Amy Madison's terrifying Mouse Wheel (will it ever stop?) Spike and Dru's Wild Ride (a roller coaster built like a classic car with the windows painted over! You'll have no idea where you're going!) or step into Xander's shoes as you try to defuse a ticking bomb while eluding vampires in Zeppo Adventure! Plus dozens more!
SHOWS
And if you get tired of that mad whirligig of fun, then sit down for a while and catch one of our many shows! Thrill to the exploits of Sid the Dummy (this is not your father's ventriloquist act!) Stop by the Bronze and dance all day to the sounds of one of Sunnydale's many local bands, such as Dingoes ate My Baby and, well, all the other ones. Thrill to Mr. Trick's only-at-night magic show! (Yes, I know he was cancelled last year, but we loved him so much we brought him back against Joss's wishes! Shhh, don't tell him!) And you won't want to miss our trained Hellhound show!
GAMES
You can try our crossbow or tranquilizer rifle target shoot, you can play the Watcher's Council's Challenge video game (survive a vampire with nothing but your wits!), or you can try to win an animal at our traditional carnival games! Can YOU win a giant stuffed Mr.Gordo? Even Buffy had trouble with this one!
FOOD
Hungry? Of course you are! Well, Hellmouth Park has more places to eat than you can count! In addition to the food kiosks scattered all over the park, we have many specialty places to satisfy that appetite! For your sweet tooth, you can go to Willow's cookies, or, if you'd like some Pizza with those sweets, go to Ted's pastry and pizza! We don't know what he puts in 'em, but it always makes us feel good! Then there's Joyce's breakfast nook, if you have a hankering for OJ and French Toast, and the High School Cafeteria for the cheapest eats in the park! Plus there's always at least one fine restaurant along Chase Place, but check your guidebook - Cordelia changes her mind an awful lot!
SHOPS
Speaking of Chase Place, let's take a look at the shops! The Magic Shop is popular for that little magical trinket you've been wanting to pick up (not responsible for effects produced by objects); Giles' Library unfortunately has burned down but his Living Room is still open, so there's not as big a selection as there used to be (but it's still great!); and no tacky souvenir t-shirts here, only the finest of clothing at Cordelia Fashions! (Sometimes you may even see miss Chase herself working there!)
I WANT TO COME!
And we don't blame you! Hellmouth Park is a fun place to be! Take exit 314 off Interstate 666; we're right there! Hours of operation - 11 PM to 11 AM Monday-Thursday, 11 AM - 1 AM Friday-Saturday, 11 Am- midnight Sundays. We open late so we can close late!
SO COME SEE US!
And remember! If you haven't laughed, cried, been turned on, been tired out and been scared out of your wits, THEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO HELLMOUTH PARK!
SEE YOU SOON!