Mission 6A Progress Report Log
15-06-867
Signed,
Kakuzu
Hidan
15-06-867
Details on target acquired from first informant at 2100 hrs. Client unwilling to provide more data, refused to meet again. Trade non-negotiable. 2,500,000 deposit received and secured. Predicted first destination bound northeast, Land of Lightning. Estimated travelling time: 260 days.
16-06-867
Leader is making us go on a damn wild goose chase and this heathen bastard is waking me up at ass o' clock in the damn morning. What difference is it going to make if we're gonna be spending the rest of eternity on this damn mission! It's gonna take forever anyway, asshole, so take a breather why won't ya.
Oh, the mission commenced and all that bullshit. We're on our way.
16-06-867
Not even 3hrs in and mission is already turning out to be the most boring thing ever. And! This motherfucker had the gall to say he didn't trust me with the progress log because he thinks I'm fucking illiterate or something. So guess what! It's me who's in charge of this useless journal now! Suck on that, you dick Leader. Be amazed at Hidan the Scribe's mind-blowing logging skills. Gonna sleep with it stuffed down my pants, in case Kakuzu feels like snatching it off me while I'm not paying attention.
19-06-867
Just reached edge of River-Land. Gonna keep going because Kakuzu doesn't believe in taking a fucking break. We don't even know if this target is in the Land of Lightning! "Pretty sure" ain't a "certain", asshole.
20-06-867
Being forced to do all this boring report shit why is my life so miserable
Direction: north
-detour 5
# targets spotted: 0
# Leaf shinobi encountered: 2
# trees spotted: a fucking bazzillion
# accompanying cranky assholes in a mask: 1
25-06-867
We have literally not come across a single soul since the 20th and Kakuzu STILL makes me write in this cursed book.
Here is me writing important things bla bla wow I look so focussed right now
Praise Jashin
Praise Jashin
I need sacrifices
Praise Jashin
Wow it's actually working. Kakuzu thinks I'm writing Important Things.
He left. I hope he brings back food or something. A guy has got to eat around here.
25-06-867 (2)
No food. Does this fucker run on air? My stomach has been growling nonstop and if this goes on I might just have to start grazing on the fucking grass we're sitting on because FUCK YOU KAKUZU
26-06-867
Day 2 of FUCK YOU KAKUZU
Also we ran into some bandits who didn't recognize our cloaks. One of them escaped. Putting mission on temporary hold so we can track the motherfucker.
27-06-867
Found the escaped bandit hiding in some rocks. Looked like he was shitting himself when we found him. Lord Jashin must be disappointed with the offerings these days.
Back to Mission: Walk Till Your Legs Fall Off
02-07-867
We're in Rain Village now. Staying at an inn to avoid the downpour. Radio says it'll go on for a few days at least, as if it'll actually stop fucking raining in this place. As if this trip wasn't long enough! But it's flooding especially bad out there so we're waiting until it's possible to go out without drowning immediately.
On our way here, Kakuzu found one of his bounties. Even I was surprised at the odds.
Time of bounty death: around 4pm
Profit: 1,500,000 ryo
Turned in at Exchange Point 7R
Losses: 0
Kakuzu said it'll take a few hours. Meanwhile I have ordered the best pork belly menu at the BBQ place near the inn. Sorry partner, no pork for you. It's what you get for being a greedy asshole.
02-07-867 (2)
Back at the inn. Kakuzu isn't back yet. How long does it take to trade in a stinky corpse for some dirty cash? I'm keeping real good track of this so you can read it, Leader, and see just how inefficient Kakuzu is on these missions. Take the appropriate measures to fix this terrible sidetracking habit of his. It's only been a couple weeks but I already feel like this mission has dragged on forever.
03-07-867
It's way past midnight and no sign of Kakuzu. Now I'm real annoyed. I'd try and look for him but the Hidden Rain Village is too crowded and confusing. I'd just get bored.
03-07-867
Kakuzu's back and I've never seen him look so filthy. What the fuck happened out there? I woke up and he was just crawling through the door like some dying dog. He was drenched and covered in mud and other things that I don't even want to think about. He didn't have the money on him. He's also lost a heart.
We're not even close to sticking a toe into the Land of Lightning and things have already gone to shit.
03-07-867 (2)
He said we aren't turning back. Fuck this mission!
Dumbass couldn't even get into the bath by himself. I didn't realize I'd be babysitting a 90 year old baby on this trip. What a fucking joke!
05-07-867
We would have left this Jashin-forsaken town by now if Kakuzu hadn't gotten himself all messed up by the ANBU unit camping out at the exchange point. Fuck them and fuck the rain! There are no sacrifices and all I have is this shitty fucking logbook. I don't think Lord Jashin would want a book sacrifice.
Our position's been leaked too. I don't know how but the fucking police are sniffing our tails. Why aren't we leaving already?!
07-07-867
Met Kakuzu's 2nd informant today, something about a rich family member filing for bankruptcy but the records were forged or some nonsense. I don't know! Who gives a shit? Why aren't we leeeaavinnngg!
Had to keep low at a motel on the other side of the Village for now, those incompetent police are actually doing their jobs for once.
Oh, and Kakuzu robbed the exchange point. It was a piss-poor excuse of a hideout anyway, and I'm sure the idiots who ran the place just wanted to cheat their clients anyway. Akatsuki's a whole 8,940,000 ryo richer. Cha-ching, motherfuckers!
Earned:
8,940,000 ryo (Exchange Point 7R)
12 ryo (pipe drain next to a sex shop)
Losses:
-too much (extra large wind-up cocktoy to slip under Kakuzu's pillow at night)
08-07-867
It's been a day and Kakuzu still hasn't noticed the missing money from the briefcases. That fucking cocktoy cost more than the damn BBQ meal. Who spends almost 1000 ryo on a fake dick?!
08-07-867 (2)
Me. I just spent almost 1000 ryo on a fake penis. It's what Kakuzu fucking deserves for making us stay in this horrible gloomy country where it will NOT. STOP. RAINING.
09-07-867
Kakuzu just came back from meeting with the 2nd informant again. He also changed navigation routes because of the fucking ANBU run-in he had. He's not trying to punch me for breathing so he must be very tired.
Also he said we're not going through the Grass Village anymore. It's too close to the Land of Fire so apparently we're now going through Stone Village and cutting back in at Kanabi Bridge. That adds 3 more weeks to our million-year long trip.
I'm really fucking pissed off. Lord Jashin is pissed because I am pissed. Kakuzu better pray I don't end up just shoving this monster cock up his entire ass instead.
10-07-867
It's past 2am and Kakuzu is asleep. Operation: Prank My Shitty Partner is a go.
11-07-867
It has come to my attention that Hidan has spent valuable Akatsuki funds on utterly inane recreational products.
Estimated losses total up to approximately 885 ryo.
The shop refused refund demands, claiming they cannot accept used or contaminated items.
Requesting urgent team member replacement upon completion of current mission.
18-07-867
Fucking Kakuzu cut off my arms for a whole damn week! He threatened to chop off my dick too! It was just a harmless prank, for fuck's sake. I mean sure, not too many people might wanna be woken up by someone shoving a vibrating cocktoy down their throat while screaming profanities in their ear, but the asshole is an open-mouth sleeper and as if I couldn't use that to my advantage. Leader, read my earlier logs and tell me the bastard didn't have it coming! You'd know all about the near apocalyptic weather situation over here in Rain Village.
Oh, and it turns out the reason why we were staying for so long is because Kakuzu had a side job. A side job! Can you believe this shit, Leader? Well of course you can, you're probably the one who gave it to him. Fuck you all. Now I know what it is, and of course it's to do with fucking money again. God, I wish he would've just choked on that cocktoy that night and died.
18-07-867 (2)
Okay look, I get that he just lost a heart and all that, but really? Trying to cut my dick off is just too far, man. I hope everyone in the Akatsuki agrees that there is a line and the family jewels are where we draw the line. Yeah okay maybe I went overboard with the cocktoy, and I guess it was at a bad time and bla bla. I'm just happy we are finally leaving this infuriating Village. Sun and clouds here I come!
20-07-867
Land of Earth is just what you'd expect. Earth and rocks. How boring! But good places to hide. We came across at least a dozen rogues today. Easy peasy!
Kakuzu said he'd been to this place before, but he's the worst tour guide ever. Honestly, I can't see how anyone can put up with him. All he ever cares about is money and finding more fucking informants. How many informants do we need for this mission? Lord Jashin give me strength not to just lose my shit.
20-07-867 (2)
I think he's still mad about the prank. I ain't apologizing. It was the most fun I had on this Jashin-damned mission. (Yeah I know, sad) He did make some funny noises though. Maybe next time I'll stick a live baby octopus up his nose.
21-07-867
We're a couple miles out from the Hidden Stone Village. Isn't this where Deidara used to live? There's a circus going around. Sad little bunch if you ask me, but at this point I'd give an arm and a leg for something to do other than walk.
Kakuzu said his informant asked to rendezvous at the Village. Yes!
22-07-867
The tiger shows were fucking great! I can't believe they trained normal people to do all that shit without using chakra. Kakuzu couldn't watch because he left to find himself a new heart and meet with his informant. He found us an inn though, so I'm supposed to just meet him there.
22-07-867 (2)
Ummmm
So
I got back to the inn
Kakuzu was there and
He still has that fucking cocktoy?
I don't think he saw me I was just about to walk in but the door was open a tiny bit
I'm currently hiding near the bins behind the building right now. What the fuck
22-07-867 (3)
He was just holding it like a sword and frowning at it, like it was some weird alien specimen. I don't know what is happening at the moment
I THOUGHT HE THREW IT AWAY?
If this hasn't been the peak of awkwardness in our partnership then i don't even know what to say
Also I don't know when this mission report book turned into my fucking diary all of a sudden but fuck it, this is weird
I gotta go in there sooner or later. Fuck.
22-07-867 (4)
It's been 3 hours since the lights are turned off and Kakuzu suddenly says some shit like, "What do people usually look for in a good sex toy?" BITCH! Have I entered an alternate nightmare dimension? I have never been more afraid of this stitched up bastard in my entire life! What's with the intense stare!
I can't really remember what I said but something along the lines of "I dunno, cheap and works like a fuckin' magic wand I guess" and this bastard has the audacity to nod thoughtfully! What is this shithead planning! HELP ME LORD JASHIN!
Leader if you happen to come across this know that your employee Kakuzu of the Waterfalls is one fucked up bastard. He studies cocktoys like it's some fucking mathematical equation and now he's not saying a single word. I write this by the glow of moonlight and perhaps these will be my final words in this cursed world of the living.
23-07-867
I'm still alive. (No surprise there) Kakuzu is acting like nothing happened at all last night. I wonder where he's keeping that toy. Most likely in that briefcase he's lugging around. I want to ask so badly what he has up his sleeve, but what if it's that fucking wooden cock and then it'd be Hell broken loose all over again.
It was only supposed to be a prank. How did it come to this.
30-07-867
Today was a crazy day. I just learned that our target is a closeted sex maniac who frequents creepy toy shops like the one in Rain Village I went to. This whole time Kakuzu was trying to figure out a way to lure him in, BY SELLING THAT FUCKING COCKTOY.
It's official, folks. My partner is beyond the point of senility, he is flat out insane. What did he expect to do, infuse the toy with chakra to make some sort of ULTRA TURBO-VIBRATING COCKTOY?
Oh, that was definitely along the lines of what he was plotting. The Akatsuki never disappoints, as per usual. What fucker would've thought of such an ingenious plan.
...Kakuzu just left to meet up with a black market pawn broker. I am giving up,
09-08-867
it worked
09-08-867 (2)
JASHIN HELP ME WE CAUGHT THE FUCKING BASTARD
KAKUZU WHAT THE FUCK
09-08-867 (2)
KAKUZU WHAT DID YOU DO TO THAT COCKTOY TO LURE SOMEONE HALFWAY ACROSS THE MAP TO BUY IT OFF YOU
10-08-867
We just finished turning in target to our client I am quitting this bullshit organization
From this day onwards I never want to see that level of smugness on Kakuzu's face ever again (yes I'm glad that the mission was cut short but that's not the point)
Okay but seriously, what the hell did he do to that toy that made it so 'wonderful'?
What sort of adjustments I NEED TO KNOW
End Progress Report Log: Mission 6A
Status: [SUCCESS]
Written for Tumblr's KakuHida Week 2017 Challenge, Oct 5 prompt "Travelling". Of course, when you're travelling with Hidan and Kakuzu nothing ever goes normally!