Tony had been star struck from the moment he found out that they were investigating the death of a naval lieutenant who was the brother of ZNN journalist Dana Hutton. Perhaps star struck wasn't the right word but certainly obsessed was not too far off of the mark.
At first his obsession and the obsessive research into her life and background had provided some important leads, but he seemed to be intent on solving this one alone. He was getting too close to the case and personally involved. He was clearly in danger of violating Gibbs Rule #10 Never Get Personally Involved in a case.
He had been warned about the KGB links, he had been told that the brother had been murdered and he knew the others thought that Dana could possibly be involved in the death; but still he could not leave this one alone.
Gibbs had already had a private word with him alone in the conference room after Ziva had disclosed to him that ZNN's producer had been assaulted by Tony that morning. Sure the guy had been asking for it; he had stood there and in a smarmy British accent insulted and smeared the image of the woman Tony had admired from afar for a long time. He had deliberately misled them and then he claimed she used people (perhaps even manipulated them with sexual relationships) to get what she wanted. Then he had laughed about it. In Tony's mind the guy deserved everything he had got.
Gibbs had threatened to take his belt to him unless he pulled himself together and stopped jeopardizing the investigation and his career with his bullish tactics. However not really wanting to make it more difficult for DiNozzo to carry out the investigation when so much was potentially at stake and he needed his second in commands ability to think outside the box, he had held off on the punishment.
Ziva had pleaded with Tony to get his head back into the game when she had found him hanging out at Dana's house alone and without backup; and then once again McGee, Ziva, Gibbs and Vance had tried to convince him that she could be dangerous and had close associations to the KGB. He would accept none of it.
When he went missing at the bookstore without telling anyone, following a call from Ms Hutton agreeing to meet him, Gibbs was beyond mad, but more than anything he was worried. The KGB links were ever more realistic, Gibbs had just found the hidden micro-fiche. They were about to solve an important old cold war case and political relations were not all that were going to be at stake.
Gibbs held off any immediate disciplining of his senior agent when he turned up at the bookstore again with Ms Hutton, but only because she had revealed to them how she had been poisoned too. Knowing that there was no antidote to the ricin toxin that had been used and that Tony was going to lose the woman he had only just got to know, he kept his temper and anger with the younger agent in check.
When Tony arrived in Gibbs basement later that evening with the news that he had been at Dana's side as she passed away, Gibbs could see the strain that the whole affair was having on his SFA.
Pouring him a drink he let the young man settle on the stool next to the work bench. He could almost hear the turmoil going on in Tony's head.
"I broke rule number 10… again," confessed Tony, "never get personally involved on a case," he said almost as if to remind himself.
"Yeah it's the rule I've always had the most trouble with," answered Gibbs, his mind lingering for a moment over the fact that the Mexican government were now snooping around and there was no statute of limitations with regards to the death of Pedro Hernandez.
"Trouble?" questioned Tony, intrigued as to what Gibbs was referring to.
"Franks hauled me over the coals for it a few times," he confessed.
"Did it stop you doing it again?" Tony continued.
"Nope," the short simple reply.
"Then you aren't going to haul me over the coals?" he questioned hopefully.
"Well that depends DiNozzo," Gibbs stated.
"On what?" asked Tony, curious as to whether there was a way to get out of this trouble he had landed himself in.
"On whether you are able to get rid of the feelings of guilt on your own," came the enigmatic response.
Looking puzzled Tony searched his Bosses eyes for any clue as to what he meant. Not giving in to his searching gaze Gibbs continued working on the boat and merely asked, "tell me your thoughts on how this case went Tony. Tell me why you were there with Dana right to the very end."
Pausing to think it through, Tony searched his deepest feelings, tears formed at the corner of his eyes but just would not fall. "She was alone, she was frightened," he offered.
"Is that the only reason?" asked Gibbs.
"I know you think I was infatuated with her, and I know I got too involved and hit the producer, but he was asking for it, and sure I shouldn't have kept disappearing by myself, it was stupid…" he began.
Gibbs interrupted him, " Tony, ask yourself why you did all of those things."
"I don't know," Tony started to shake his head, "I just felt that I was letting her down, if I had checked out the producer when we first saw him instead of being awestruck by being in her studio, if I had found the link to the bookstore sooner, if I had rung and left a message on her phone earlier, she might not be dead."
"Tony, you might both have been dead, that's why we need to keep working as a team," explained Gibbs, "but what you are telling me is that you are feeling a guilt that you can't assuage because you weren't there to save her."
"I guess so," mumbled Tony, "sounds stupid doesn't it."
"Not at all," Gibbs said, moving over to Tony and taking his head in his hands, "not at all, but you have to let go of the guilt before it eats you up and you do something that will only hurt you in the long run."
"Are we still talking about me?" Tony asked.
"We aren't so different you and I," replied Gibbs, "I'm talking about the both of us. I'm talking about what Franks told me and what one day you will probably say to your team."
"How did you get over it?" Tony asked, not sure that he wanted to know.
"He strapped me until I let go of everything I was holding onto," admitted Gibbs, "and then he held me whilst I broke down and let it all flood out of me."
"Did it work?" Tony asked.
"In part, but I had already gone past a point of no return, but it helped and it reminded me to think twice before doing it again." Gibbs answered.
"But you still did it again?" asked Tony, still slightly amazed Gibbs was telling him all of this but searching for his own salvation at the same time.
"Yep, sure did but not without thinking about it just a little first," sighed Gibbs, "but sometimes the heart just wins over the head; and then you have to find a way to deal with the consequences of getting in so deep."
"So are you going to do the same to me?" asked Tony rather nervously.
"That depends whether you truly think that the guilt is something you can live with or not," replied Gibbs.
Tony couldn't believe that he was being asked if he wanted to be spanked or not; more importantly he couldn't believe he was about to agree to it. He needed the guilt out of his mind. He needed his head back in the game. He needed Gibbs to know that he knew he had messed up. He needed to let it all out.
Standing up straight and meeting Gibbs eye to eye, taking a deep breath and nodding he uttered, "no Sir, I can't live with the guilt, will you help me?"
"Go wait upstairs Tony, in the front room, I'll be up in a minute," Gibbs ordered, somewhat proud of the mature way Tony was handling this.
As Tony slowly trudged up the basement steps, Gibbs opened the drawer at the bottom of the workbench, and from the cloth it was carefully wrapped in he removed the strap that Franks had last used on him. Tapping it gently against his hand he made his way up to DiNozzo.
The strapping did not take long, the lecture that went with it was even shorter. Tony allowed his pain to seep out in the tears that rolled readily down his cheeks. His backside felt like it was on fire but did not hurt half as much as the grief that poured out of him. Gibbs held him close, sat with him there on the sofa as the young man let go of it all.
"You are a good mad Tony, don't you ever forget that."