Hello! After reading parodies by Red Witch, RogueFanKC, and Todd Fan, I decided to try my hand at one and this is the result! Before getting to it I would like to state a few things. First, I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the movie Stalag 17 by Billy Wilder and Edwin Blum. For those interested in details, I got all information about the characters from the site "Beyond Evolution" or Wikipedia. Also, for those interested in translating non-English words from the movie my German is very limited and I tried to translate the German words as accurately as possible. Where I had no translation, I guessed or wrote what seemed to work so if there are (and there probably are) any badly mangled translations, I apologize. Finally, to prevent offending any nationalities the role of Germany in the parody has been replaced by Hydra. In the parody, Hydra is fighting a war against all mutants, all mutant teams are allies and S.H.I.E.L.D is considered neutral. Well, that's enough of my ramblings, so without further ado, here's a parody of one of my favorite movies…
Esuohdam 17
The scene is a World War II style prison camp complete with barracks, barbed-wire fences, and sectioned-off compounds. It's a somewhat warm winter night with both snow and mud on the ground. As we view the camp Jamie begins to narrate.
"I don't know about you, but it always makes me sore when I see those war pictures: all about mutants fighting and energy blasting mutants and telekinetics and mutants in heroic last stands."
"I told you there would be a war between humans and mutants!" Magneto complains. "I told you that mutants would end up in prison camps, but did anyone believe me? Noooooooo!"
"SHUT UP!" everyone yells.
"Anyway," Jamie continues. "I don't want to take anything away from those guys, but what gets me is that there never w-was a movie about P.O.W.'s; about prisoners of war. Now my name is James Arthur Madrox, they call me Jamie. I was knocked out and captured in New York back in '03, and that's why I stammer a little once in a while, especially when I get excited. I spent two and a half years in Esuohdam 17. Esuohdam is the Hydra acronym for "Extreme Security Utilized Outdoor Housing Detaining Adolescent Mutants" and number 17 was somewhere along the Missouri River in Montana. There were about six hundred P.O.W.s there, if you bothered to count the Brotherhood, the Acolytes, the Morlocks, and everyone else. In our compound there were about a hundred and twenty of us; all teenagers."
"A HUNDRED AND TWENTY TEENAGERS!" Hank shouts.
"IN ONE COMPOUND!" Mystique exclaims.
"We have enough trouble with a dozen of you," Ororo moans.
"The horror…the horror…" Xavier gulps.
"Ahem," Jamie continues again. "Now you put a hundred and twenty mutant teenagers together and, oh mother you've got yourself a situation!"
"Oh, we know," Logan moans.
"Boy do we know," Hank groans.
"May I continue?" Jamie asks heatedly. "There was more fireworks shooting off around that joint! Take for instance the story about the spy we had in our barrack. It was about a week before Christmas in '04 and two of our guys-Evan and Roberto to be exact-were just getting set to blow the joint..."
We see the inside of Barracks Four. It's pretty messy. There are twenty four guys in double bunks lined up on the sides of the walls. The furnishings are a couple tables, chairs, and a iron stove in the middle.
In one of the upper bunk lies Logan, the Barrack Chief. He's awake and studying his wristwatch.
"Hey, I thought there were only teenagers in this barracks?" Todd asks.
There are. Logan is now a teenager, thanks to Forge's de-aging machine.
"Oh, sure you had to go and tell them that," Logan growls, looking a lot like he did in the flashback in "Operation Rebirth". "Why do I have to be in this parody anyway?"
Well I needed someone to be the Barracks Chief and you were the best candidate.
"Why me?"
You are the natural authority figure out of any of the teams, everyone obeys you, and you work well with everyone.
"Nice try, now what's the real reason."
Okay, so I needed someone who was kinda short.
"WHAT! That's it, I'm not going to do this!"
Yes you are!
"Give me one good reason!"
Well, it was either you or Pietro…
"OH PLEASE NO!" everyone shouts.
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Logan groans.
"Darn," Pietro sighs.
In the other bunks we see that Lance, Sam, Scott, Evan, Todd, Alex, Roberto, and Remy are all awake, waiting. Everyone is wearing long underwear except for Evan and Roberto who are fully dressed. Logan lifts his metal dogtags and jiggles them.
Lance gets out of his bunk, grabs his blanket and moves toward the window. A searchlight beam sweeps across it. Lance ducks, waits for the light to pass on, then hangs his blanket over the window.
Alex hangs a blanket over another window. Logan gets up and lights a couple of homemade candles. Evan and Roberto put on leather jackets. Remy is just lying in his bunk watching them.
Todd tries to awaken Fred in the bunk below him.
"Hey, in the movie I had the lower bunk," Todd says.
Would you want to be below Fred in a wooden bunk?
"Good point," Todd agrees.
Todd pats Fred's cheek. "Freddy! Freddy, get up yo. Jean Grey's on the phone."
"Now why would Fred get up for that?" Lance asks.
You'll get more about this later.
Fred doesn't move. "Freddy you're supposed to get up," Todd whispers.
"Oops, sorry," Fred gets out of his bunk. He and Todd move near Sam who is dismantling the pipe above the stove. Fred and Todd use some boards to lift the stove and move it to one side.
Lance gets a bucket, sets it on a table, and lifts out a shallow inner part with water. Hidden underneath are some civilian clothes. He takes them out and gives them to Logan who stuffs them into a small bag.
"Here's your civilian clothes," Logan says.
"Okay," Evan replies.
"Now remember, bury your uniforms before you get out of the forest," Logan instructs.
"Right," Roberto replies.
"Your compass is the top button of this jacket."
"Okay," Evan replies.
Fred and Todd are pulling open a trap door in the floor where the stove was. Scott slips some papers out of a bunk board and walks to Evan and Roberto.
"Anybody asks for your papers, you're human laborers," Scott instructs, handing them the papers. "Here's your map and money."
"Roger," Roberto replies.
"Now, let's hear it once more, guys," Scott says.
"We've been over it a hundred times," Evan complains.
"Let's hear it again," Logan commands.
"We stick to the forest going west until we hit the Missouri…" Roberto says.
"Check," Scott says.
"Then follow the Missouri down to Great Falls…" Roberto continues.
"Check."
"In Great Falls we hop a barge and go all the way to Bismarck, North Dakota…"
We suddenly hear some weird sounds coming from Caliban who is sitting in his bunk playing a modified sweet potato like a ocarina. He's nuts.
"I resent that," Caliban mutters.
Quiet! You're not supposed to talk.
"Stop it, Caliban!" Lance says. "Caliban, go back to sleep!" Caliban stops and puts his potato away.
Scott turns to Evan. "Go on. You're in Bismarck."
"Once in Bismarck we lie low until night, then we take a train to Duluth."
"Once in Duluth we steal a rowboat, get some fishing tackle, and start drifting across Lake Superior-always east-until we hit the other side: a S.H.I.E.L.D. base." Roberto says.
Remy gets out of his bunk. "Once at S.H.I.E.L.D. just give out with a big yodel boys so we'll know you're there. It's a breeze."
"Stay out of this Gumbo," Logan growls.
"Just one question. Did you calculate the risk?" Remy asks.
Fred and Todd finish opening the trap door. Fred sticks his head in and out. "Ready."
Logan, Scott, Evan and Roberto start to move toward the trap door. Evan is carrying the bag. Logan looks at his watch. "You got ten minutes to get through the tunnel."
"Roger," Evan says.
"That'll bring you out just when the snakes are changing shifts."
"Roger."
Logan turns to the window where Alex is keeping watch. "Havok?"
Alex gives him a sign. "Okay."
"Peel off," Logan says.
"Show 'em guys," Lance says. Various people give encouragement.
"Take care."
"All the luck."
"Easy does it."
"We're with you, all of us."
Evan addresses everyone. "We'll miss you cruds."
Evan and Roberto go through the trap door, hit the ground, and start crawling. Fred and Todd stick their heads out and watch them. Evan and Roberto reach the end of the barrack, avoid a searchlight, get up, and quickly run to the nearby latrine.
Inside Roberto picks up a wooden lattice on the floor and leans it against the wall. Evan ties the barrack bag to his leg and lifts a wooden panel, revealing a tunnel. Both guys jump into a narrow vertical shaft. Roberto pulls the panel shut and the lattice falls on top of it.
Roberto lights a Zippo lighter and they crawl through the tunnel with Evan leading the way.
"MY LIGHTER!" Pyro cries.
Pyro that is not your lighter, they have their own.
"THEN WHERE'S MINE?!"
In you pocket.
"Oh, right," Pyro grins.
Back in the barrack Fred and Todd move the stove back into place. Logan looks at his watch. "They ought to be under the barbed wire soon."
Alex is still looking out the covered window. "Looks good outside."
"I hope they hit the Missouri before dawn," Fred says.
"They got a good chance. The longest night of the year," Scott says.
"I bet they make it to Duluth," Lance says.
"I bet they make it all the way to S.H.I.E.L.D!" Fred boasts.
"And I bet they don't get out of the forest," Remy states. Everybody looks at him.
"Now what kind of crack is that?" Lance challenges.
"No crack. Two packs of pixie sticks say they don't get out of the forest," Remy pulls out two packs and sets them on the table.
"Hey, its supposed to be two packs of cigarettes," Todd says.
Do you have any idea how much smoking there is in this movie? No way are a bunch of teenagers going to do that!
"So instead of cigarettes we have pixie sticks?" Lance asks.
Yup.
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Logan shouts.
Get on with it!
"I'm doomed, surrounded by teenagers with pixie sticks," Logan groans. "That's enough, Gumbo. Crawl back in your sack."
"He'd make book on his own mother getting hit by a truck!" Todd says.
"Anybody call?" Remy asks.
"Come on, Gumbo. Butt out!" Logan orders.
"Wait a minute, Logan," Lance interjects. "I want to back those guys. I'll cover ten of that." He takes some pixie sticks out of a pack.
"I'll take five," Sam says, getting some out.
"Eight," says Scott.
"Put me down for ten, you louse," Logan growls.
"I'll cover three," says Ray.
"I'll take one," says Bobby.
Lance throws two packs on the table. "I'll call the whole pot."
"Anything you say," Remy says. He throws some keys to Jamie who's in his bunk. "Jamie, more pixie sticks."
Jamie scrambles down from his bunk above Remy's and bends down to a footlocker along the wall. The footlocker is chained to the bunk-post. Jamie opens it and takes out pixie sticks while various guys make their bets and put pixie sticks on the table.
"Speak up boys."
"I'll cover eight."
"Give me three."
"Here's four."
"Here's two."
"Here's four."
"And four more."
"I'll cover eight."
"Give me three."
"I bet two!" Todd says.
"And a half!" Fred adds, holding out half a pixie stick.
"No butts," Remy says.
"No butts, no butts…" Fred complains.
Jamie comes over with a paper tray full of pixie sticks. "W-w-will this do or do you want some more?"
"That'll do," Remy says taking the tray and setting it on the table. "Speak up, boys. Any more sports in the crowd?"
Meanwhile Evan and Roberto come to the end of the tunnel with a shaft leading up. Evan digs at the top with his hands while Roberto holds the lighter.
In a pine forest beyond the barbed wire Evan finishes digging into the open. He and Roberto climb out and crawl into the woods a couple yards. They look back toward the camp as Evan starts to untie the bag from his leg. Roberto nudges him. "Let's go."
He gets up ready to run…and sees three Hydra soldiers with a machine gun right in front of him. The machine gun opens up and Roberto instantly falls. Evan catches him and starts crawling back to the tunnel, the bag still on his leg. The machine guns keeps firing as Evan makes it to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets.
"HOORAY!" nearly everyone shouts.
"THANKS FOR CARING!" Evan shouts before being hit by more bullets.
"What did I ever do to you?" Roberto asks. "Why did I have to get shot?"
Who said you were shot? I just said you fell instantly.
"Oh, you're right. So only Evan got shot?" Roberto asks.
That's right.
"Wait, that's it? He just gets shot a couple times?" Fred asks.
Yeah, so?
"So you gotta make it better than that," Lance adds.
"No you don't! This is enough!" Evan cries.
Hmmm, you're right.
"Thank goodness," Evan sighs.
I know what to do.
"What! Wait a minute…"
Take 2.
Evan crawls back to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets. He jerks sideways and hits a landmine.
BOOOOM!
"Better, but it's missing something…" Pietro thinks.
"Medic…" Evan moans.
Wait, wait, I got it. You're gonna love this.
"Oh no…" Evan groans.
Take 3.
Evan crawls back to the tunnel and gets hit in the back with bullets. He jerks, turns over, and gets hit in the chest with more bullets. He rolls over and hits a landmine.
BOOOOM!
He flies up. The guards shoot him while he's in the air. They run out of bullets, so they take out a flamethrower.
WHOOOOOSSHHHH!!!
Evan falls back down, body burning, and into the tunnel which is now packed with dynamite.
KA-BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
He flies up again. The guards have switched to flaming arrows. Evan's body now resembles a pincushion as he falls on some buzzsaws that are sticking out of the ground.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Evan painfully lies among the buzzsaw blades a moment but they suddenly electrify.
ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!!!!!
"AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!"
As Evan is lying there a couple of thick pine trees fall on him.
WHAM! WHAM!
The trees roll off him. Barely alive, he twitches, gets up on his hands, amazingly starts to crawl up a small incline, beyond all odds manages to get to his feet…and finds himself looking down the cannon of a German King Tiger tank.
"Mother…"
BA-BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ta da!
"Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Hooray!" almost everyone yells and claps.
"You got all that on tape, right," Pietro asks Jamie.
"Oh yeah," Jamie grins.
Inside the barrack everyone except Remy and Jamie are at the window and looking out.
As the firing stops everyone starts to move away from the window. "Blessed…I mean, filthy Snakes!" Alex curses.
"What slipped up, Logan?" Lance asks as Remy starts to collect pixie sticks and put them in the tray.
"Don't ask me. One-Eye was elected Security," Logan grunts.
"Okay, Security what happened?" Lance demands.
"I wish I knew," Scott replies while Remy motions to Jamie. Jamie pulls out the front of his shirt and holds it out against the edge of the table. Remy sweeps pixie sticks into Jamie's shirt. "We had everything figured out to the last detail."
"Maybe the Snakes knew about the tunnel all the time!" Fred claims.
"Shut up, Freddy!" Todd scolds.
"Maybe they were layin' for 'em out there!" Fred insists.
"Yeah. Maybe," Remy says casually as he finishes sweeping up the pixie sticks.
"Hold it, Remy," Lance demands. "I said hold it! So we heard some shots so who says they didn't get away?"
Remy throws the last two pixie sticks into Jamie's shirt. "Anybody here wanna double their bet?"
Silence. Remy motions to Jamie. They both move back to the footlocker and start to put their winnings in.
Everybody looks at them. Fred sees a missed pixie stick on the table and picks it up. Lance catches this and plucks it out of his hand. He turns toward Remy and angrily tosses it into the footlocker. Remy and Jamie stop putting things away and slowly look back toward everyone.