Chapter 1 - Harry Potter

A/N: I'm incredibly sorry if I offend anyone with this story. I really just wrote down what I know (and the occasional comment here or there). I've never read/watched what I'm summarizing, so I really have no idea. SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AHEAD! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Jasper-Not-Jiper is not the owner of any of these stories. Jasper-Not-Jiper does, however, own the comments and snide remarks stated in this summary. NOTE: Jasper-Not-Jiper is not responsible for injury, theft, accident, death, or your failed marriage. Thank you.

So there's this school for wizards. One of the kids that goes there is named Harry Potter, which is unfortunate for him, being named after an adjective and profession, but whatever. He has to fight this guy without a nose. It's probably hard for him to see 3-D movies. Maybe that's why he's so evil. I don't know, maybe he's like, "I wanna experience Days of Future Past like I'm there, dang it!" Anyway, Harry Potter is friends with your common book friends; smart, kick-butt girl and goofy, dork boy, Hermione and Ron respectively. I swear, and please don't kill me, for the longest time, I though Harry and Hermione were dating. When I found out that Hermione was dating Ron I was like, "What?" No offense to him, but Ron does NOT seem like Hermione's type, and vica versa . Moving on from relationships, there are four cabins at this school (houses, but whatever). Gryffindor- The main characters; Ravenclaw- The Brainiacs; Slytherin- The goths; and Hufflepuff- The wimps. (No offense to anyone; I'm a Hufflepuff and proud. Actually I'd probably be a muggle, but whatever). Unfortunately - and I was very sad to figure this out - Gryffinpuff is not a house. Neither is Huffledor, Ravenin, or Slytherclaw, sadly. Harry Potter is in Gryffindor because obviously, he's a main character. I mean, his name is in the title, for Heaven's sake! Hermione is apparently incredibly smart, but for some weird reason, is not in Ravenclaw. There's this girl, Luna Lovegood, who is reading a magazine upside down when Harry first sees her. Turns out she's in Ravenclaw. I guess that's what happens when a clothing article sorts your cabins instead of a human. They play this weird game on broomsticks where you have to find a golden bird. Then there's this weird dude who's a werewolf. I think his last name is Lupin or Ruxpin or something. He's dating a lady with pink hair whose last name is Tonks. I think she's related to another lady with a cool name, Nymphaea maybe. Since we were on the subject of Ron earlier, I should probably mention that he has like, a bajillion siblings. Two of them are twins. They have some inside joke with Harry about toilet seats. One died. The other lost an ear, which later ended up assisting Chaos's army and falling in love with seaweed. There's this sister, Ginny, and she's the one who's dating Harry. The Mom, Molly, called a lady with a weird name, Bellatrix LaStrange, a bad word. There's a guy with really wonky eyes,too. I'm not sure if he was born like that, or someone cast a 'crazy eyes' spell on him or what, but dang, are those eyes weird. There are also two guys with big beards, Hagrid and Dumbledore. I'm pretty sure Dumbledore dies. I think it's Hagrid that says, "Yer a wizard, Harry." with his weird, non-British accent, I think. There are a ton of guys with weird names, like Cedric Diggory, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Alastor Moody, Bartemius Crouch, etc. How they got these names, I have no idea. Some are sorta cool, if you ask me, but still, were their parents just like, "A new member of the Longbottom family! Let's name him Neville!" or what? There are these things called Dementors. The eat people's souls and make them really depressed, which is called 'Dementing' them. Nah, I actually think it's called a 'Dementor's Kiss' and I can see why. I mean, if you get kissed by one of those things, you know you've hit rock-bottom romantic relationship-wise. Hence the depression. I'm pretty sure they work for Mr. Noseless. Or maybe those are death eaters. Or maybe both. Heck, I don't even know what death eaters do. They don't exactly sound friendly, but maybe it's a misnomer or something. There are these weird horses called Thestrals. You can only see them if you accept someone's death. From seeing the several pictures of them, I can conclude that I'm borderline; I'm not sure if I think they're terrifying or adorable. Did I mention they could fly? They're like Death Pegasi! Yay! Then there's Sirius Snape, and no, he can't take a joke. He likes to wear black. I'm pretty sure he's secretly Draco's dad, or something like that. Either him or Draco is the 'Half-Blood Prince'. That means that you only have blood in half of your body. The rest is filled with...something else. I'm gonna assume it's the weird smelling sunscreen my Mom uses, but hey, just a guess. There's this weird potion called a Polyjuice Potion or Polymore potion or something. It can Shapeshift you to look like someone else, as long as you have some of their hair. There's a happy potion that causes you to tweak noses. Then there's a curse that kills people. It sounds like Abra Cadabra, oddly enough. There's a prison for bad wizards. It has this weird name, Azkabar or Azkaban or something. Then there's the mirror of Erised a.k.a. Desire, which obviously shows you what you desire most. There's also a potion ingredient that looks like a small baby or slug. Apparently its scream can kill you. On that happy note, Thank you for reading my summary! :)

Quote of the Chapter: "It's better to try and fall then to never try at all." - Turtle on Skateboard

A/N: Did anyone get the joke about Fred Weasley's ear? (It was Fred, right? Or Gorge?) Read 'Totally Not a Crackfic' by 'FandomsForeva' and you'll understand. Again, I know nothing about Harry Potter. Feel free to leave a review to tell me what I got wrong, and what book series/television show/movie series to do next!

Happy (late) Thanksgiving!

Jasper-Not-Jiper

A.k.a.

Scr