A/N: This was written for the prompt, "Passing on," on the forums. It's the incident Theron mentions in First Meeting Again, when they're talking about Zane's supposed death. This should be a short story, just two chapters. Enjoy and as always let me know what you think.
Falling Down
"Give me another," I slurred, shoving the empty glass at the bartender.
Over the last few months I'd become a frequent visitor to the cantinas and casinos on the planets I visited. Each evening I came in, drank, and gambled, hoping to take an edge off my pain and forget, even just for a moment. Every time I failed miserably.
Picking it up, the blue skinned Twi'lek put it on an unseen counter, to be cleaned but ignored my request for a refill.
Leaning on the bar, I tried again. "I wanted a refill."
Shaking his head and making lekku dance, the bartender said, "No, your cutoff." Grabbing a towel he started wiping off a mug. "You're done for tonight."
With my elbow resting on the bar, I rubbed my face and massaged my temples, before dragging them through my hair. I could still feel the pain in my chest caused by Zane's death, I could still remember. I was so far from not done, it was almost funny. "Look, just fix another and slide it over here."
"No."
Pulling a wad of cash from a hidden pocket in my red jacket, I peeled off two bills and placed them on the counter between us. "Another."
Not saying a word, the Twi'lek picked up the credits and stuffed them in his pocket, before filling a glass on the bar in front of me. "Last one," he said, "then you're out of here."
Nodding my head, I picked up my drink and took a sip, "when I'm finished."
"Drink fast," the bartender ordered. Walking to the end of the bar, he picked up a towel and got back to work but kept one eye on me the whole time.
Turning on my stool, I looked around the cantina. The room seemed to be occupied by your typical spacefaring clientele. A card game was going on in one corner, a Devorian sat at a table alone flipping a credit coin across knuckles and looking for his next mark. Two Rodians stood whispering to each other along a wall. A small dance floor was occupied mostly by humans with a few wandering Twi'lek dancers mixed in. On stage, dancing to some music being played over the cantina's speakers was a buff human male, dressed in tight boxers, which left nothing to the imagination and performing with him were two young Twi'lek females in the requisite chain dancer's costume.
Looking back at the male performer I was struck by his muscles and dark hair. He was a good looking man and there was a time I might have been attracted to him. Now, all I could see was his resemblance to…Zane. Gods! A sharp stabbing pain tore my chest apart again. It felt like someone was taking a hot, sharp poker and skewering my heart with it. Zane, my lover, lost forever at the hands of Arcann and the damnable Eternal Empire.
My grip tightened on the cup I was holding, as thoughts of Zane swirled around in my head. The memories nearly drowned me pain and loss. I'm almost overwhelmed, once again, by everything I've lost. Raising it to my lips, I slam back the last of my beverage. Turning back on the stool, I swivel around, place the empty on the bar and look at the bartender.
Without a word, I pulled out my stash of credits, peeled off four bills and put them on the bar. "Two more shots," maybe they'll numb the agony spiking through me quicker.
Looking at the money, to me and back again, the Twi'lek sighed and walked back over. I know I looked like hell and I felt worse. I'd been here since getting off work, didn't even bother getting anything to eat. Food would just slow the alcohol's work and I need it tonight. I'd finally had all I could stand of Saresh and her cronies and what they were doing to the Republic we fought for, that Zane fought and died for. I quit. I didn't care anymore. I was done…
Finally he picked up the bills and put them in his pocket. Grabbing two shot glasses and a bottle, he put them down in front me and filled them. Looking into my red, bloodshot eyes, he said, "You won't find any answers at the bottom of a bottle."
"Not looking for answers," I answer, picking up the first shot, "just…," I stuttered to a stop and shook my head.
"Just what," he tried, watching me, lekku twitching. If I wasn't plastered I might be able to read what he was signaling with them. He continued, "You may drink your problems away for a while, but they will still be there when you sober up."
"Won't forget him…can't forget him," I said, knocking back the first shot, "don't want too."
"What do you want?"
"Don't want to feel anymore," putting down the empty, "Hurts too much."
"Bad break-up?" the curious bartender asked.
"No," I said, picking up the next shot, "He was killed in the war."
"I'm sorry," the Twi'lek immediately said. "This won't help."
"I know" I slurred, "Nothing does." Tipping back the small glass, I swallowed the shot and put it down on the bar.
"Let me call you a taxi droid," the bartender said. "You're in no shape to get yourself home."
"Nah," I said, as I tried to stand from the stool and staggered, I had to use the bar to catch my balance. After steadying myself, I sat back down. "Go ahead, call 'em."
The Twi'lek just shook his head and walked a short distance away. He made a holocall and came back. "They will be here in five minutes."
"Thanks."
Reaching into my pocket, I started to pull out my credits, when the bartender stopped me with a gesture. "Don't bother, not serving you another. You've had enough."
"Whatever," I drunkenly mumbled. "Can still feel it."
Shaking his head and making his lekku dance, the Twi'lek said, "That just proves you had someone to love. Feel grateful. Some never get that chance."
I didn't reply, instead I just leaned against the bar and waited for my ride.
After a few long moments, a bouncer opened the door and shouted in, "Taxi's out here."
Standing, I staggered towards the tower. "Thanks," I said.
The bartender nodded, "Do me a favor. Don't let me see you here like this again."
"No promises," I whispered, knowing I'd find somewhere else to numb my pain tomorrow.
Walking to the taxi, the droid opened the door for me and I fell into the back seat. It shut the door behind me and hurried around to the driver's seat.
"Where to?" the droid asked.
"My place," I said, as I gave it the address of my apartment on Coruscant. I really didn't want to go home, to many memories of Zane haunted me there but I didn't have anywhere else to go.
As the taxi headed towards my tower, I started to watch the lights outside the window go by but the flashing lights made me start to feel sick to my stomach. Instead, I decided to close my eyes, and brace my head against the seat rest, hoping to stop the rolling in my gut. I wasn't entirely successful and was very grateful when the cab came to rest on my building's landing pad.
Again the droid, hurried around the taxi and opened my door. Standing and swaying, I reached into my pocket and removed my credits. I handed it the appropriate amount for the trip and started towards the building entrance on my unsteady legs.
"Do you need help sir?" the droid asked.
"Nah," I said, continuing in my unsteady gait, "Can make it."
"Yes sir," it answered, before it got back into the vehicle and flew off.
I swiped my security card and entered the tower. Staggering to a bank of elevators, pushed a button and leaned against the wall, as I waited for the car. When the doors opened, I stumbled in and rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes for a moment. The loud binging of the doors closing brought me out of my momentary stupor and I pushed the button for my floor. The car started and I closed my eyes again.
Reaching my floors, the doors opened and I walked out and down the hall to my apartment door. I swiped my door key in the lock and the door swished open. Throwing the card on the entryway table, I managed to make it across the living room and fell into a chair. Leaning back, I closed my eyes and tried to block everything out…the pain of Zane's death, the memories and the sick feeling in my stomach. I failed miserably as usual.
Blindly reaching out, I grabbed a bottle that had been sitting on the table next to the chair. It was three quarters full of some nasty kolto green colored alcohol. It was foul tasting but it was some of the strongest stuff I could find. Pulling off the cap, I brought the bottle up and took a large gulp of the swill, a second and finally a third.
Zane….my best friend …my lover…my….it still hurt.
"Fuck," I growled, taking another large pull from the bottle.
Even drunk, I could still recall the exact moment my world shattered…
A few of us from the SIS were meeting with the Supreme Commander of the Republic Army and his advisors, to discuss the recent unexplained attacks on a couple of Empire outposts and what it meant for Republican assets in the area.
"Who did this, gentlemen?" asked Commander Malcom, looking at the group that surrounded him. They were standing around a large computer holo depicting the last base attacked, attempting to figure out what had happened.
"An unknown force from Wild Space," answered a dark haired SIS agent.
"What do we know about this force?" a military advisor said.
"Not much," someone added from across the table.
Suddenly an aide burst through the door, out of breath and standing at attention. "Supreme Commander!"
"What is it Captain?" Everyone turned to look at the flustered military man.
"Darth Marr's command ship was destroyed!"
'Zane!' my mind immediately screamed at me and my lungs seized in my chest. After our brief rendezvous at his apartment on Nar Shaada, the Major had left to meet with the Sith Lord and I'd returned to Coruscant and my assignment with the SIS.
"Most of the crew were killed in the crash," the aide had continued. "Darth Marr and Major Starwarrior were captured and taken into custody. Darth Marr was killed after a short struggle."
"And the Major?" Malcom asked, as he glanced in my direction, worry clearly written on his face. While we hadn't hidden our romantic relationship, Zane and I had been discrete and my father was one of the few that were aware of it.
Gulping the Captain took a few silent, tension filled moments to answer. "Zakulan authorities are reporting that," he stuttered for a second, "he, ahh...the Major was summarily executed for the assassination of their Eternal Emperor."
No, no, no no…NO! This was NOT happening! Zane was NOT dead! He wasn't! He couldn't be! I'd know it! I'd feel it! Not Zane!
"They are refusing to return his body for proper burial," I distantly heard.
'His body!' My best friend was dead. Gone! I'd never see him again in this life. I felt a chasm open beneath my feet and I fell in.
"Agent Shan!" I heard someone shout above the ringing in my ears. I didn't feel my legs go out from under me, as I started to fall to the ground.
Suddenly two arms wrapped me, kept me from falling and I was pulled tight against a chest. I clenched my eyes shut and let Jace support my weight, as I started to shake uncontrollably.
"I can take him sir," I heard one of my fellow agents say.
"No," felt my father's chest rumble under my cheek. "I got him."
"Sir, really I can..," a voice said again.
"Back off!" my father growled as, he turned me slightly away from the direction that the voice had come from. My trembling got stronger, as I tried to close off the agony caused by my lover's death.
'No!' my mind cried out. 'Not Zane!'
"Captain, get 'em out of here!" my father ordered, as he tried to maneuver us to a nearby chair. I tried to help but my legs still weren't working. "We don't need onlookers."
"Yes sir," the other man snapped out. "You heard the Supreme Commander everyone out."
I could hear a few voices protest being forced to leave. One voice had yet to learn and ventured yet again to take me from Jace. "Really, Supreme Commander, Shan is my agent. We'll take him."
"And he's my son!" my father's gravelly voice said. "Touch him and I'll break you." He sat me down in the chair. As I continued to shake, he added. "Out!"
Jace had never been shy about acknowledging me as his child but it was still a little weird to hear him apply the word 'son' to me in front of my peers and superiors. I'm not sure how I felt about it. It was now general knowledge I was the Grand Master's son and people already set impossibly high expectations for me. Now, that it was becoming better known that I was also the Supreme Commander's son, I could see that bar climbing yet higher. If it didn't feel like someone was trying to rip my beating, broken heart from my chest, I may have actually worried about it. At this moment though, I couldn't think past the knowledge of Zane's death.
Hushed whispers could be heard as everyone left the room. I'm sure I'd be the talk of Coruscant's elite ruling class for weeks to come but I didn't care. I just clutched my jacket above my heart, trying to hold the pieces together, as the tears started to streak down my cheeks.
"Theron?" Jace said, from his position, kneeling in front of me.
I couldn't speak, couldn't answer. Instead I just looked up directly into Jace's dark eyes, allowing him to see all the agony swirling in them.
"Oh gods son," he said, as he pulled my head to chest and I rested my forehead against it. "I'm so sorry."
We sat there for a long time, never saying another word…
"F..uck!" I badly slurred.
Attempting to pick up the now empty liquor bottle, I dropped it into my lap. A second time didn't produce better results and it continued to lie there. With the third attempt my fingers managed to grasp the neck of the bottle and I threw it against the wall, shattering it.
Would it ever stop hurting?
I'm so tired I didn't want to do this anymore.
I'm not sure if I could keep going on. If I could do this without Zane..alone.
Damn it! Damn him! Damn Arcann! This was his fault.
Using the arms of the chair for support, I tried to stand up. The alcohol I'd consumed rushed to my head and threw my balance was off. The world immediately severely tilted on its axis and I staggered, falling to my hands and knees. I gulped in air, as the floor started to spin and my stomach started to rebel against all of the liquor I'd drank this evening. I scrunched my eyes shut and willed the contents of my stomach to stay down.
With one last breath, I seemed to win this one small battle, and I kept everything down. Now though, my thoughts started to grow fuzzy and I could feel the darkness of unconsciousness start creeping up on me. Just what I needed…or was it.
I'd be free of the pain for a time…the darkness grew closer…Or maybe I could be free forever…not hurt anymore…
The blackness crowded any other thoughts out and I pitched forward on the floor…