DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, much to my dismay.
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SUMMARY: The conclusion to "You Can Always Say Stop." A series of events leads Grissom to rethink why he keeps his distance from Sara. Set after "Committed."
AUTHORS' NOTES: Play With Fire, Committed, Nesting Dolls, Butterflied, Invisible Evidence, Bloodlines, Down the Drain. Thank you to MYBIGBLUEBOX, for helping me figure out how this thing works!
Chapter 1 – Karmic Lesson
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? That bad things are there to teach us a karmic lesson?
The rain pounded on the windshield of the Denali. Sara was lost in thought as she watched the rain trickle down her window. Grissom pretended to be absorbed in concentration as he navigated through the storm back to the lab, but his mind was still at the hospital. He would glance over at Sara, but all he could see was the shard of pottery poised at her throat. He caught her reflection in the window, the rain making it look as though Sara were crying. By the look he saw on her face, it wasn't much of a leap.
They rode back in silence, Sara not knowing what to say after being held captive, and Grissom not knowing what he could say to console her. She had wanted to finish the case, so he left it at that.
Sara stayed true to her decision to move beyond how this case affected her, working alongside Grissom to see the case to its conclusion. Every once in a while Grissom would pause, wanting to ask her how she was doing. But he didn't want to keep coming back to it, especially when he saw the determination in her eyes. He knew Sara was strong, so much more than he had ever really given her credit for, so he gave her the space she needed. But every time she was able to make eye contact, he made sure at the very least not to hide his concern. Not hiding from her at this point was the least he could do.
And now Grissom watched her carefully as Sara watched the officer arrest Joanne McKay. He looked at her reflection in the glass, and it was the same look as the look in the car. Reflected in a shield of glass was the only time Grissom could see Sara's own shield of strength dissolve.
He tried to offer her some solace, some closure to such a hard ordeal. "Well, jail or no jail, she won't last six months. She'll die without her son."
"That would be better for both of them."
Grissom was surprised at her admission, but at the same time found himself overcome with wanting to take her in his arms and make all the pain she felt at this moment go away. But he simply nodded, leaving Sara to watch the empty room that only moments ago held a room full of lies and pain.
Sara only felt him leave, the warmth of his body near her suddenly gone as she stood enveloped in the ghosts from her past. She turned around in a fog and headed towards the locker room. She sat down on the bench, her eyes blank, unfocused. It was then that she allowed herself to feel the exhaustion from working this case. She closed her eyes as tears burned behind her heavy lids. At that point she was too tired to move, clutching the bench and leaning forward, stray tears being absorbed by the denim fabric of her jeans. She wasn't ready to face the loneliness and silence of her empty apartment, but she had nothing to keep her here. Wearily she gathered her things, not stopping before she made her way to her car. She thought of stopping to say goodnight to Grissom, but was afraid that if she heard her own voice, she might break down in front of him. Once over the past couple of weeks was enough.
Back in his office, Grissom sat staring at his desk. He couldn't shake the image of Sara in the arms of Adam Trent. Too many things lately were occurring to make him question everything he was doing to make sure he kept his distance from her. He looked at the butterflies on his shelf, and images of Debbie Marlin flooded back into his consciousness. That case continued to haunt him, and this recent case could have made that nightmare a reality. Maybe these were all signs. It was clear that these cases were getting to him, if only because he kept seeing Sara in danger and the thought alone paralyzed him.
Oh dear God.
When he had found Debbie's lifeless body, pale and slender, it had shaken him to the core. He couldn't get outside fast enough to find Sara, to look at her, to see her breathing and full of life. As the case unfolded, the similarities to his own life were uncanny, and he tried to reconcile that never having Sara was better than having her and losing her. He was Vincent Lurie, an aging soul lusting after the vivaciousness and exuberance of youth, embodied in a beautiful woman.
It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all.
Grissom had spent most of his life on the outside of love looking in, never feeling enough for someone to actually want to take the risk and see what a life of love could be like.
But then…all of a sudden, we get a second chance…he taught a seminar in San Francisco.Where…somebody young and beautiful shows up…he met Sara Sidle, a young college student, smart, beautiful, and everything he wanted in another person. Everything he wanted…somebody…we could care about… with fifteen years and a hard-earned career standing in the way.
Would you like to have dinner with me?
She offers us a new life with her…but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her.
No.
Why not? Let's have dinner. Let's see what happens.
And so Grissom chose his career, the one thing that he could rely on not to leave. And the one thing he couldn't hurt.
I couldn't do it… but you did. You risked it all…and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else…and you were lost. So you took her life.
Lurie killed her because she left him, because she realized that she could do better than someone wasting away with time.
Grissom knew he could never do what Vincent Lurie did; he could never hurt Sara if she decided to leave. But he didn't want to feel the pain Lurie clearly felt at losing what he had built his life around. He couldn't bear the day when Sara woke up and realized she was wasting her time. When another Hank showed up and showed Sara what life should really be like. So he didn't take the risk.
But Lurie took the risk. And Sara wasn't Debbie Marlin. What would happen if he never got the chance to tell her how he felt? Adam Trent could have ended any possibility. All of a sudden it didn't matter anymore what he would lose. If he didn't have Sara, what did he have?
He gathered his things and left his office, not stopping until he reached his car. Adam Trent had shown him how precious time can be. He wasn't going to wait for anything else to teach him that life could be over in an instant. As he sped to her apartment, he wished it hadn't taken a psychiatric patient with a shard of pottery to make him realize that he should have taken the risk a long time ago.