A/N: A One-shot reply to Kristen's Xmas challenge! Enjoy, sorry this sucks (I was never good in the humor department, it's WICKED fast and short because I wanted to keep it a one-shot, and I didn't exactly portray the characters the best either) and if you wanna review me, don't bash me! I DON'T USUALLY WRITE THIS BAD!!
Despite the fact that snow was yet to be seen on the ground, Shermer Illinois was gearing up for Christmas 1984. The center of town was abuzz with Christmas sales and Christmas décor hanging from every lamppost. Children wailed in front of the toy store's window while their moms sifted through their lists to make sure every item had been bought. Shermer was one of those towns that were proud of its holiday traditions. Among the traditions: The Annual Christmas Eve Block Party (that covered more than a block in reality) that followed the Shermer High School Christmas Pageant. The Shermer Senior class was the class that usually played the main roles while the underclassmen teched the show and played minor roles. It was the core of Christmas celebration in Shermer. It was the event that Shermer prided itself on the most. People as far out as Iowa came into town to see how traditionally conscious the town's teenagers were. It was a rarity nowadays, a group of teenagers proudly obeying rules and following the book. It truly was an exciting event!
Little did they know what was in store for them this year.
"Why not?" asked Brian, standing in front of the bulletin board. Eight pairs of eyes were squinting at him as he sweated and waited for an answer. The bulletin board was laden with various sign-up sheets, the biggest sign-up sheet being the audition sheet for the Christmas pageant. Brian, a senior, wanted to audition, but he wouldn't do it without Bender, Andy, Allison, or Claire.
"Dork, what kind of stuff are you on today?" asked Bender. "What honestly makes you think that I'd waist my time with some stupid Santa play?"
Brian groaned. "It ISN'T a Santa play!" he protested. "It's the Nativity play Shermer's done for twenty years! Plus…it's extra credit for my English class, I really can't afford screwing up now!" Brian begged. So, the REAL motive behind the play came out! Claire nodded. Allison stared.
"Brian, this is lame! Why can't you just do it yourself?" asked Andy.
"Oh come on! I really don't like being alone on stage!" whined Brian. Allison rolled her eyes. Claire smiled genuinely at Brian and went to sign up.
"I'll audition!" she told Brian, who smiled. Claire signed her name.
Andy looked at Allison and groaned. "It's the off-season anyways," he reasoned, signing up second.
Allison and Bender didn't budge. Claire, Brian, and Andy stared at Bender. "Look, I'm not about to appear onstage in a goofball elf costume and dance around like a chipmunk on speed!" Bender said, raising an eyebrow.
"John, you aren't even committing to anything! Look, it says here," Brian read from the sheet. "Those who sign up are not guaranteed a role in the Nativity scene! See?" Brian said.
"Just sign the paper, asshole!" yelled Andy. "Odds are, you won't get a part and you'll be off the hook!"
"Please?" asked Claire. Bender looked at Claire.
"What's in it for me?" asked Bender.
"I'll let you," Claire groaned. She knew what she had to do to get Bender to sign up and Brian off her back. "I'll let you have five minutes in my underwear drawer!" she bargained. Bender rose his eyebrow again. He hated being in a relationship with a girl who actually had a brain.
"Fine! But you'd better hope to god I don't get a part, dweeb" Bender scribbled his name down. It'd be easy enough to screw it up. No worries. The sheet did say nothing was guaranteed.
Allison rolled her eyes again. "I'm a junior," she said.
"You can still get a small part!" assured Claire. Allison looked at Andy.
"Go for it, Ally," said Andy. Allison blushed and went to sign her name. Brian smiled, feeling comfortable that he wasn't the only one to be in the play. The Breakfast Club was ready to take over the Christmas Pageant!
The auditions were being held that afternoon in the auditorium. A Mrs. Jezebel Hillman (the drama teacher) was the woman in charge this year. She sat in the back row of the auditorium with the audition sheet sign-up list in hand. She decided to go through the names not in order, but randomly. This year, she planned to include everyone who signed up in the production, because she was adding a modern-day Christmas scene, and those who didn't make the cut for the Nativity act were automatically in the Modern scene. Mrs. Hillman believed everyone who signed up should have a chance, she was a very diplomatic woman.
"Okay. I will call you onstage one at a time," she announced. The students, who all sat in the first few rows, turned to face her. "And I will simply ask you a few questions, like what part you want, what you will contribute to the play, etc. I will be rating you on your stage presence and distribute parts accordingly. It's a first-come-first-serve process. If I give the leads to the first few people who audition, better luck on Broadway, kids!" she announced. Bender's face grew red. It sounded an AWFUL lot like she'd be giving roles to EVERYBODY! Brian shrank down in his seat.
Bender grabbed the collar of his shirt and got in his face. "If I get a part in this two-bit street play, YOU'LL be making a special appearance as my belt buckle!"
"John, let him go!" pleaded Claire. Even after the detention in April, Bender kept a tough exterior that was hard to break. Bender looked at his girlfriend and let Brian go. Bender would just have to try harder at fucking up, now wouldn't he? Bender smiled, pulled out a small baggie, and started rolling a joint.
"I'll start with Andrew Clark!" announced Mrs. Hillman. Andy groaned and got up. People began whispering as he walked onstage. Was THAT the champion wrestler who won the state title last spring? Auditioning for a school pageant? Wasn't he too COOL for that? Andy mounted the stage and stood casually in the center. Mrs. Hillman nodded. "Mr. Clark, which role would you prefer receiving?" asked Mrs. Hillman.
Andy shrugged. "Whatever I can get," Andy said.
Mrs. Hillman frowned and nodded. He lacked enthusiasm. "And what can you contribute to the pageant, Mr. Clark?" she asked.
"I guess I'm good at being an actor. I really don't see how hard it can be," was Andy's reply.
Mrs. Hillman frowned and wrote something down on a sheet of paper. "Mr. Clark, I'm casting you as Mr. Jones, the father in the Modern Family Christmas scene," said Mrs. Hillman.
Bender nearly dropped the pot he was rolling. MODERN SCENE?!?!? Bender shot a murderous look at Brian. Brian nodded and stood. "Ma'am? A Modern family scene?" he inquired.
Mrs. Hillman nodded. "Yes, young man! I added a new scene to relate the Christmas Story to our own times! It gives people who signed up but didn't get a Nativity role a part automatically in the modern scene! Everyone here is guaranteed a part!" she said, pleased with her idea.
"What about the sheet saying not everyone would get a role?" he asked, getting increasingly close to running away from Bender, who seemed to smile at Brian fear of him.
"Not everyone will get a NATIVITY role. Everyone will have a place in either or, alright? You must have misunderstood the sheet," reasoned Mrs. Hillman. Brian nodded. Brian sat back down in his seat and crossed himself thrice. Bender gritted his teeth and wanted to beat that little twerp to a pulp. But at the same time he wanted to laugh. He knew in the end nothing bad would happen to the little dweeb-cake. But seeing him squirm was fun!
"Would like to go next, young man?" asked Mrs. Hillman. Brian stood up and literally ran to the stage and away from Bender. "Which part would you feel most comfortable playing?"
"I'd really like to play someone with power. Not necessarily the lead but it would be such a helpful aid to me gaining some self confidence…" Brian willingly ranted on for a few seconds. Most of it was BS, but anything to keep him at a safe distance from Bender.
"I see. Brian, I think you'll make a good Wise Man #1!" said Mrs. Hillman, writing something down on her sheet. Brian nodded and went to sit down. Andy switched seats with Bender so nothing would happen. For about half an hour, Mrs. Hillman called up people none of The Breakfast Club members knew by heart. So far, the only parts of significance given away were Wise Man #2, King Herod, Susie Jones (daughter in the modern scene) and Colleen Jones (the mother in the Modern scene).
"Claire Standish?" asked Mrs. Hillman after awhile. Claire got up and stepped onto the stage. Her presence alone seemed to please Mrs. Hillman.
"Dear, which part would you like to have?" she asked.
Claire smiled. "Well, I'd love to be the lead, Mary," she said. "I'm pretty good at memorizing lines and getting into the role I get," Claire offered.
Mrs. Hillman smiled. "You're such a sweet girl!" said Mrs. Hillman. "And you shall have it! I'll give you the role of The Virgin Mary!" announced Mrs. Hillman. A few groans from girls in the front row rung out for a second, then calmed down as Claire sat down in her seat.
A few more random people were called, and the last Wise Man, some animals, the innkeeper, Joseph, and Gabriel were gone. Allison auditioned too, and she got the role of a young shepherdess.
"John Bender?" asked Mrs. Hillman. Bender stood up and lit his joint. He walked slowly onto the stage and took a puff. Mrs. Hillman swallowed. "Mr. Bender, if you wanted to smoke, you should wait until the auditions are over, then you may go outside to smoke. Now, which role, of the ones that are left, would be interested in playing?"
"Are you a virgin, Mrs. Hillman?" was Bender's reply.
"I beg your pardon?" asked a shocked Mrs. Hillman.
"Wanna let me help you with that?" asked Bender. Mrs. Hillman, determined to continue on, ignored it, while the student were either laughing or rolling their eyes in disgust. Brian just prayed Mrs. Hillman would throw him out so he'd be happy.
"What can you contribute to the play?"
"This!" Bender held up the joint he was inhaling. All of the students laughed. Mrs. Hillman gritted her teeth. She knew he seemed rough on the outside, but perhaps if he was given a part, he'd learn better ways to express himself. Mrs. Hillman knew just the thing.
"Mr. Bender, I think you'll be our Junior Jones!" Bender dropped his joint. What the fuck did this lady just say?
"Junior Jones is the son in the Modern Family Christmas scene!" said Mrs. Hillman.
Bender lost it. "You know what? I didn't even sign up for this stupid thing. I just signed up so I could NOT get a part and get Brian Wisenheimer down here," Bender pointed to Brian, who sunk further down in his seat, "out of my hair!"
"Mr. Bender, please sit down," warned Mrs. Hillman.
"I don't wanna be in the stupid play!" Bender said. He wasn't screaming, more like demanding his name be taken off the cats list.
"John, please get off the stage!" said Claire meekly. Bender ignored her. Mrs. Hillman smiled at Bender.
"Mr. Bender, if you're not man enough to accept the role…" she said, looking smug. Bender went wide-eyed. She did NOT just play that card! Now Bender HAD to take the part. His stupid ego was the size of Chicago. He'd been tricked twice that December 1st. Didn't THAT suck! Bender, finally ready to admit defeat, walked slowly off the stage. Andy had to double blink. Bender was SURRENDERING? To a TEACHER? Bender took his seat next to Andy, who looked at him with an odd look in his eye. Bender gave a wide grin to Andy, Brian, Claire, and Allison. They all smiled back. They knew that twinkle in John Bender's eye. He may have been down, but Mrs. Jezebel Hillman hadn't heard the last of him yet!
The first week of rehearsals went by quickly. Mrs. Hillman only worked on the Nativity scene only, but Andy and Bender showed up anyway and sat in the audience. Claire's leading man (i.e. Joseph) was a senior by the name of Matt Schmitty. Matt was a sleazy no-good, yet handsome student whose only talent was pretending to be someone he wasn't. Claire was unaware of how perverted he was, because on the outside he was so charming. Allison was unfazed by him, though. Not only because she was in love with Andy, but because all her scenes were out in the "pastures" and so she never had a one-on-one scene with him. Brian ignored Matt because he was a boy.
Allison, who had been reluctant to be in the play anyhow, made for a very unique shepherdess. One day in the second week of Nativity practice, as Bender and Andy walked into the room, Allison was having a bt of her trademark "Basketcase Fun" with Mrs. Hillman…
"Miss Reynolds, the young shepherdess sees an ANGEL in the sky, not a UFO!" Mrs. Hillman was yelling. Andy and Bender, this line having been the first line they'd heard upon entering the room, cracked up laughing. Leave it to Allison!
"Can the shepherdess at LEAST carry a bazooka instead of this…um…" Allison held up the crook in her hand. "This, ah, um, hooky thing?" Andy and Bender, just recovering from the last bout of laughter, broke out again.
"Gah!" expressed Mrs. Hillman. "And it's a CROOK and…oh, ah…let's take a break from the shepherd scene and cut to Mary and Joseph arriving in Bethlehem!"
Allison interrupted again. "I thought we were calling it Pittsburgh!"
Mrs. Hillman, red from Allison's antics, pointed to the house. "Into the audience, Miss Reynolds!" she said. Allison pouted her lip melodramatically and set the crook down, finding Andy and Bender in the audience and sitting down with them.
Andy mock-scolded her when she arrived. "You are such a bad actress!" Andy said. Allison squeaked in delight.
"I like you more and more every day!' said Bender, who took adopted an obvious hatred of Mrs. Hillman. Allison winked.
Meanwhile, onstage, the scene was beginning. Bender caught sight of Mary, in labor, being held in the arms of Joseph. Bender couldn't help but notice how Matt looked what every girl in school would call "gorgeous." He had almost a lusty eye when he said his lines to her. Claire blushed…and it wasn't a stage blush. Suddenly, Claire's eyes seemed to widen. Bender stood up and moved closer to the stage. Matt had his hand on her ass, but Claire was trying to stay in character.
Bender was furious. "Hey! Jackass!" he yelled at Matt. Claire and Matt turned around, shocked. Mrs. Hillman was shocked to hear the words and see the speaker of the words.
"Mr. Bender, Modern rehearsals aren't until Friday!"
"Hey Matt-ass! Get your hand off my girlfriend's butt, you hear?" Bender screamed at Matt, who in turn looked innocent. "Bender, man, I assure you I don't know..."
"—don't pull that bullshit, Matt-ass! Claire felt it, didn't you?" Bender said, turning to Claire. Claire was humiliated. She looked around at everyone, staring at her. She looked at Bender and shook her head, turning and running offstage. Bender looked off after his girlfriend.
"Listen Bender, I don't know what the hell you're thinking, but this is my play, and Claire's hot. You're not her husband in this thing, I am! You're just little Junior!" Matt mocked. Bender, infuriated, leapt over Matt and pinned him to the floor. Mrs. Hillman panicked. Andy ran onstage and pulled Bender off Matt.
Matt, scurrying to his feet, yelled at Bender. "You're a nobody! Claire deserves so much better than you, and I'm gonna make it known to her! You're a poor little worthless sack of shit! You just made her run away crying! Asshole!"
"Claire's mine, Matt-ass!"
"We'll see how long she'll want to be with you after today, Bender!" Matt hissed.
Mrs. Hillman screamed over the both of them. "THAT'S ENOUGH! Take five…five hours while I knock myself out from an aspirin overdose!" she exaggerated, stepping off the stage.
As she walked past Bender to leave, Bender gave her sickly sweet smile. "You need some of mine? I have plenty!" Bender offered.
Mrs. Hillman groaned and walked right on past Bender.
Andy frowned at Bender. "Way to go, jerk! Claire's probably pissed at you now! Royally pissed off!" he warned.
Bender, after taking a second to reflect, realized that Claire WAS pissed! Now that there was someone willing to face him for a chance at Claire, he needed to watch his step a little more. Claire may have been a cherry, but she was worth fighting for. Not to mention Bender's honor was at stake! He was at war now. It's not like he wasn't used competing against shrimpy know-it-alls.
"Shit, man, what am I gonna do?" Bender asked.
"Start with 'I'm Sorry'!" suggested Andy. Bender nodded.
"No shit, Sherlock! But how can I?"
"A present!" Allison yelped involuntarily. Bender nodded and realized what Allison said actually made sense (even though it probably wasn't supposed to). A present for Claire…
By the end of the fortnight, with the pageant only a day away, Bender and Claire hadn't crossed paths. While the Modern group rehearsed, the Nativity group was in the costume shop finding props and costumes for their act, which went on first. But Bender was sure he had a gift that Claire wouldn't resist. While he wasn't very good at finding gifts, a preppy girl like Claire would be psyched by his surprise! He planned to give it to her that night, at the Night-Before-The-Pageant party. The party was on the stage. A small punchbowl and cookie platter was set up on a table, and everyone basically mingled to Christmas music. Bender held the box under his arm, wrapped in newspaper. Claire hadn't arrived yet. He was standing with Brian, Andy, and Allison in a small circle. He wondered when Matt-ass would get there as well.
Mrs. Hillman floated over to the group of outcasts. "Andrew, I must say I cannot wait until I see you light up the stage as Father Jones! You really have the presence of a paternal figure!" she said (she was trying to maintain her sanity by giving each member of the cast a complement). "And Brian, you are no doubt the most convincing of the Wise Men! I love the way you designed your Frankincense box!"
Bender leaned over to Allison. "That wasn't exactly Frankincense in that box!" Allison rolled her eyes. Mrs. Hillman moved onto her.
"Miss Reynolds, you…err…well, you know what a crook is now!" she said, moving along.
Bender noticed she'd conveniently forgotten his compliment. Allison laughed at how she couldn't find a single good thing about Allison's role.
"What in the box, Bender?" asked Andy.
"Claire's present, where is she?" asked Bender. Andy shook his head, indicating he didn't know. Bender turned and looked around. Suddenly, he saw Claire out of the corner of his eye entering the auditorium. Why was Matt-ass entering with her? Bender's large nostrils flared again. Claire and Matt-ass had COME together?
"John, don't!" Allison warned, following his gaze. Too late, Bender began advancing on the pair. Claire immediately saw him and held a hand up at him.
"John, before you say or do ANYTHING," Claire began explaining. "Matt's father works for my father, and they're trying to save gas. So I rode with Matt and his father today," she said. Bender stopped dead in his tracks. Claire glared at Bender and walked with Matt around him. He had SUCH an ego problem!
Bender felt guilty. Now Claire was getting even clingier to Matt-ass and Bender was left standing in the aisle again. Bender wanted to give Claire the present as soon as he could get her alone. For the next hour at the party, Bender and Claire remained separate. Bender stayed with Andy, Allison, and Brian, and Claire with Matt-ass and a few of the girls with roles in the angel choir. Bender never took his eye of Claire for more than a minute. Bender wanted to play out how he would get Claire away from Matt-ass so he could give her his gift and be on her good side and then get Matt-ass on her bad side. So far no windows of opportunity were open.
Then, the moment suddenly came. Claire left the party and went out into one the wings by herself. Bender, making sure he still had the box, immediately pursued Claire. But as he was about halfway across the room, Matt-ass made a break for Claire's path of exit as well. Unfortunately, a clumsy sophomore tripped directly in front of Bender, sending them both tumbling to the ground.
In the wing, Claire had just needed a moment to gather her thoughts. She wanted to make up quickly with Bender. She didn't like being away from him for so long. She knew Bender was just trying to protect his honor. Men were all the same. But she was willing to give Bender another chance.
Matt appeared in the doorway. Claire looked up and smiled at him. Matt gave Claire a sexy stare that made her giggle. By the time Claire regained composure, Matt had made his way right up to Claire. Claire smiled at him.
"Break a leg tomorrow night, it'll be Christmas eve!" she said. Matt nodded. He outstretched his arms for a hug, and Claire embraced Matt. But, again, why did his hands seem to go a little low? Claire hinted at Matt to let go, but his hands remained glued to Claire's butt.
"Matt! Let go!" she shrieked.
"Look Claire," said Matt pointing up. A small sprig of mistletoe hung directly over there heads. "Magic mistletoe! You know what that means?" Matt said, leaning in for a kiss. All the time his left hand never moved, but the right hand was get dangerously close to heading up under her skirt for a better feel around.
"MATT! Let GO!" Claire yelled.
Suddenly, Matt was spun around, and knocked out by a single powerful punch. He fell in a heap at Claire's feet. Bender stood towering above him, a box under his arm. Claire looked shocked. Andy, Allison, and Brian were standing behind him, equally shocked. "I knew he was a pervert! There's only room for ONE in this play, mack!" Bender said, spitting on Matt's inert body.
Claire blushed. "You okay?" asked Bender.
"Yeah, yeah I think so!" said Claire. "That jerk tried to get under my skirt!"
Brian approached Claire. "I knew he was trouble, but he was such a good liar I never had a chance," he said. Bender nodded, suddenly realizing the gift was still under his arm. He took it and handed it to Claire.
"I got you something," he said. Claire smiled ad took the box. It was light and small, but still about the size of a clothing store box…
Claire steadily ripped the box open to reveal a white box underneath the wrapping. Claire opened the box and sifted through the tissue paper. Suddenly, the blood drained from her face as she looked with embarrassment at the present inside. She looked at the others, who were anxious to see Claire show them her present. Bender didn't like the look on her face. Claire shot him a look of doom.
"Show us, Claire!" Andy egged.
"I wanna see!" said Allison.
"Please?" asked Brian.
Claire wanted to kill Bender. But she knew what happened last time she was egged on like this to reveal an embarrassing secret…she had no choice. She reached inside the box and pulled out a skimpy blue lacy lingerie slip. As quickly as she pulled it out, she hurled it back into the box and slammed the lid.
"You perverted creep!" Claire hissed. Andy, Brian, and Allison wanted to burst out laughing, but knowing it'd be inconsiderate, they quickly ran back onto the stage to bust a gut. Bender had gotten Claire lingerie for Christmas!
"Claire, I didn't--"
Claire pushed Bender out of the way in an attempt to follow the group onto the stage. Bender's body was too much for her to even try to move. "Let me by!"
"No! Not until we settle this!" Bender looked into Claire's eyes, and she looked into his with a pouted lip. Again, she was caught.
"What is there to settle? You make me look like a jackass during rehearsal, then you go and buy me underwear?!" Claire said. "I am not your property, Bender! Nor I am you sex toy! I can't believe that after nine months of knowing each other, after all we've been through you STILL can't see that!" Bender couldn't reason with her. So instead he decided to go for a different approach.
"I didn't get that for you," he said.
"Bull," said Claire, beet red from the embarrassment of her friends watching her unwrap such an unspeakable gift.
"I got it for you to say this was your Mary costume so Mrs. Hillman could finally have that heart attack she's been on the brink of!" said Bender.
Claire stepped back and thought deeply about this. It could either be an easy cover up, or it could be true. Either way, she knew Bender would never tell her the truth otherwise. "I gotta admit, Mrs. Hillman's kinda crazy," Claire said. She really did want to settle things with her boyfriend, so she decided to 'believe' him, for now. "I bet if I went to her and said—oh wait! I have an even BETTER idea!" Claire grinned.
Bender looked at her with curiosity. "What's that?"
"How about we DON'T tell her about this? What if we…forgot to tell her about this costume change?" Claire said, holding up the skanky piece of clothing as if it were still a disease.
Bender smiled slickly. "Oh, and what if Junior Jones suddenly CONVERTED and Mrs. Hillman was accidentally left out of the loop?"
Claire giggled and continued. "What if the young shepherdess really DID see a UFO?" she suggested.
Bender and Claire laughed, and Claire threw her arms around Bender's shoulders. "You really didn't have to buy me anything, you know. I wanted to patch things up anyways," she informed Bender.
"But I'm glad I did! Because now, you'll be the sexiest damn virgin Mary there ever was on Shermer Stage!" said Bender, taking the slip and looping it around his fingers. Claire looked at the mistletoe still hanging above them and pointed up so Bender could see. She then got up on her toes and kissed Bender's lower lip. Bender looked back at Claire. Bender smirked as Claire took her hands and placed them on Bender's neck, drawing him to her and kissed him again. Bender moved his hands down to her waist and kissed her back. Then, a little bit of tongue followed. Claire and Bender had never done the tongue thing before (Claire would never allow it). It was the magic of the lingerie that turned her on. Claire's first ever tongue. She felt shivers go up her spine as Bender started moving his hands around on her waist.
They kissed passionately in the wing for another few minutes, when Bender felt he could progress things. He started trying to feel her up, when she stepped back with a fake-horrified look. "That's as far as it goes, buster!" she said, speaking like a tease.
Bender pouted his lower lip far out. "Remember, I'M a virgin!" Claire spoke while holding up the lingerie slip, cocking her hip to one side.
Bender snorted and laughed. Claire strode to the door that led back onto the stage like a runway model. "Merry Christmas, Junior!"
"I think you mean CHERRY Christmas!" said Bender back. They both ran back onto the stage. They had to tell the others about their "revision" of the pageant!
The night of the pageant, the entire town of Shermer came to see the high school students proudly keep up the tradition of their ancestors. Meanwhile, backstage, Claire was wearing her blue Mary dress over her "new costume" so that when Mrs. Hillman gave the pep talk, she wouldn't get suspicious. Matt-ass had quit, so his understudy, a quiet junior named Leo, took over his role as Joseph.
The cast and crew stood in a circle as Mrs. Hillman chatted about teamwork, etc. "And remember kids, if something, ANYTHING goes wrong on stage, improvise and KEEP GOING! No stopping because of a costume malfunction, alright! I have a feeling this will be a play never to forget! Modern Cast, go wait quietly in the chorus room until the stage manager comes to get you when your scene comes. Nativity cast, wait in the wings for your cues. Mary, Joseph, and the innkeeper, your scene is first, so go get ready!" Mrs. Hillman fluttered offstage and into the audience.
Bender, Andy, Brian, Claire, and Allison all winked at each other. This was truly not a play she'd forget soon. Bender and Andy went off to the chorus room. Allison waited stage left with the shepherds and sheep (the sheep were all freshmen) and Brian waited stage right with the Wise Kings and donkeys (again, the donkeys were freshmen). Claire and Leo were placed onstage.
The curtain was about to go up, when suddenly Claire took off the robe, leaving her in her lingerie slip. Leo stared. The techie in charge of the curtain went wide eyed. Claire waved him on. "She said KEEP GOING!" Claire insisted.
The curtain boy shrugged and lifted the curtain. Gasps rang out as the "virgin" Mary appeared in a naughty slip! The innkeeper opened the door and had to be kicked in the shins by Leo to start his line. "There is NO sex…oh, I mean room at this inn!" he said. And the play was on.
Mrs. Hillman was red in the face the entire first scene. The lights blackened for the shepherd scene, and it was Allison's turn to turn heads. The lights came up. Several of the shepherds were lying on the grass (allegedly sleeping) but they all had spots of (fake) blood on their clothes. Allison stood in her shepherdess costume with a musket instead of a crook. More gasps. Mrs. Hillman went from red to blue.
"The life of a shepherd of one of gore, blood, guts, and LOTS of mutton chops!" she said. The audience burst out laughing. Mrs. Hillman sweated. Suddenly, the light from offstage that was to signify the choir of angels (in this case, played by the church's girl's choir) approaching. But instead, Allison said, "Oh god! A UFO is approaching!' More laughs, louder than before. The choir of "angels" came on dressed as aliens! Allison sank to her knees (like she was supposed to) and ironically said on original line: "What news have you for me?" then she added "Oh Martians! Please do not zap me with your fazers!"
The head "angel" signaled for the choir to begin. Instead of the Holy Song, they began an a cappella version of "Domo Arigato Mister Roboto."
Mrs. Hillman wanted to die. After the shepherdess scene, came the Wise Man scene. Mrs. Hillman felt nothing could go wrong with this scene, as it was led by the dependable, trustworty Brian. But was soon as the lights went up, Mrs. Hillman fainted. There were the three Wise Men, SMOKING THE FRANKINCENSE!
Mrs. Hillman came back to earth as the Nativity scene came to a close and the curtain fell. She didn't realize the applause had been stronger than in previous years. Mrs. Hillman turned to her husband and begged for a drink, which he stood up to get.
As he was gone, the curtain went up, showing the modern family (without Andy, he was supposed to enter) sitting around a beautiful Christmas table laden with turkey and all the trimmings. Everyone sat like they were supposed to, hands folded in a prayer-like form. Mrs. Hillman had a shred of hope that it was still possible for this part of the play to go right!
Andy entered as the father. He looked like he was supposed to, sat down, and said his lines like normal. Mrs. Hillman smiled. This was going to turn out alright after all!
But suddenly, Bender (as Junior) stood up and went center stage as if to recite an monologue. There was no monologue for Junior! He smiled like a dope and took a yarmulke out of his pocket, placing it on his head. The audience gasped again. Bender spoke in an overly-pleasant voice. "Sorry Mom! Sorry Pop! But I have to go to a briss!" Bender paused as the audience stared at him.
"MINE!" he declared.
More laughs and gasps as Bender trotted around the stage. The senior who was playing the mother, Colleen Jones, stood up nervously and attempted to improvize her way out of this. "Junior? What is going on?" she said shakily.
"Mother, I'm a Jew now! I'm getting circumcised and becoming a man today!" he said proudly.
Andy stood up smirking. "Wouldn't it be the other way around, Junior?" he asked with a slight grin. This was SO wrong…but SO good!
"Dad, because I'm Jewish, I've changed my name to Chlomo!" Bender said. Andy nodded.
"Well have fun at your circumcision, son! Happy Hanukkah!" Andy declared.
He then looked at the two girls playing his wife and daughter, nodding at them.
Then they all stood and said, "Happy Hanukkah, Chlomo!" Bender waved at them and trotted offstage. The curtain fell there. Mrs. Hillman was unconscious again.
Backstage, The Breakfast Club met up and congratulated each other on increasing Mrs. Hillman's blood pressure. Claire turned to Bender. "You KNOW this is the only time I'm ever wearing this thing!" she warned Bender.
"Maybe I can change your mind yet!" he said, giving her a quick kiss. Andy and Allison kissed too. Brian looked around at the group.
"Um, guys? Are we going to the Christmas Eve block party? Because, there's still a little more 'frankincense' left if you're interested!"
"I don't think Santa will be pissed off too much!" said Andy. Everyone else nodded (even Allison, who didn't like drugs). S
uddenly a loud, shrill voice came from offstage. "MR. BENDER!!!!!!" yelled Mrs. Hillman.
The Breakfast Club jumped. "Let's make like reindeer and fly!" said Andy quickly. The quintet ran out of the auditorium and made their way to the football field as a light snow began to fall over Shermer.