Disclaimer: Once upon a time, Miss Rowling wrote Harry Potter… then we wrote something. Guess which is which? (Tip: one of these is a work of fiction, the other, fanfiction.)
A/N: set AU, book 5… ish.
The Legendary Jewel of Azures
Scene the First
Location – The Great Hall… five minutes after dinner time… on a sunny summer evening… with the wind coming from the west… precisely 1670 days, 5 minutes and 16 seconds (and counting) since Harry Potter first set foot in Hogwarts (bespectacled and all)
Snape: (clapping hands for attention) Ok, people, people. Silence.
Ron W coughs
Snape: I said silence! A hundred points from Gryffindor
Silence
Snape: Good, Ok, here is the deal. We are participating in an acting contest to win the legendary Jewel of Azures, a mystical sapphire with the power to make whoever wears it absolutely invincible.
Harry P pricks up ears.
Snape: And of course we've never considered going after it before because… it… didn't exist before this fanfic… (shifty eyebrows). A curse was laid on this jewel so that it can not be stolen, but only won in an acting contest.
Hermione G: Why was that specific curse placed on it?
Snape: Because it makes a good plot, you stupid girl. Twenty points from Gryffindor. Anyway, the deal is that we want this jewel, and, unsurprisingly, the Dark Lord wants it too.
Everyone: (who is suddenly French) le gasp!
Snape: (with wild out of control eyebrows) D'accord
Everyone: (except for Slytherins) We must prevent the Dark Lord from getting the jewel!
Everyone: (including Slytherins) We must win it ourselves.
For those of you unable to grasp the preceding events… it was that the Slytherins joined in the cry to save the jewel from the evil clutches of Lord Voldemort, only when they were claiming it for themselves.
Snape: (whose eyebrows have magically picked up musical rhythm and have settled on their preferred movement of engagement – the waltz) Again, I shall say d'accord.
Pause.
Snape: Right. In order to win this Jewel, we must put on a play that will be more amazing than anything the Dark Lord and his Deatheaters can do. So, let's have a look at the talent then. Weasley!
Ron W: Eep!
Snape: (cackling, the eyebrows tangoing in anticipation) Let's see you cry!
Ron W: Waaah
Snape: A pathetic performance, you miserable worm. CRY! Your father's very ill!
Ron W: WAAAH
Snape: He's dead!
Ron W: (screams) AAARRGGHHHH
Snape: Aaaand, he's alive again
Ron W: YAY!
Pause.
Snape: Thirty points from Gryffindor for forcing a teacher to endure that ghastly performance.
Draco M: (Sniggers)
Snape: Chang?
Cho C: (complete with trembling lip and eyes glistening with unshed (A MIRACLE!) tears) Yes sir?
Snape: I want you to pretend you're happy.
Cho C: (sniffing) I'm happy.
Snape: (with saluting eyebrows) LOUDER!
Cho C: (weeping) I'M HAPPY!
She runs off to commit suicide. Snape searches for his next victim. The eyebrows complete a victory dance.
Snape: Potter!
Harry P: Sir?
Snape: This man… is your lover!
He caresses Draco M.'s shoulders. Draco M. looks extremely worried, although whether it's because Snape is draping himself over him, or because he has been told he is in love with Potter is debatable.
Snape: I want you to convey to me, without words, that you burn for him! Your soul is aflame; indeed, you are scorching the floorboards.
Draco M: Ye gods!
Snape smirks. The eyebrows try to pull off manic laughter. Looking ill, Harry P flounces up to Draco M and pats his cheek, then wipes his hand on his shirt.
Snape: (with enraged eyebrows) Stop, STOP! I want passion, I want romance!
Harry P: It's a bit hard, Sir.
Snape: Shut up, Potter, or I'll make Goyle your lover.
Shocked silence.
Harry P: (meekly) Yes sir.
Snape: You want to win, right?
Harry P: Yes sir!
Snape: I said, DO YOU WANT TO WIN?? (eyebrows wave flags)
Harry P: YES SIR!
Snape: Then surprise me, you revolting little maggot. And you, Draco, you're on trial too. If I don't see full appreciation of Potter's efforts I shall put you with Weasley instead.
Ron W faints, Draco M goes green. Harry P sidles up to Draco M in a sulky, yet sultry manner and they snog hard. Everyone looks ill, apart from Neville L, who, worryingly, looks jealous. The eyebrows are satisfied.
Snape: Now, Draco, that was pretty good, but… what if it were Weasley? (eyebrows prick up, sensing a challenge)
Draco M: (dramatically) I shall now commit suicide!
Snape: (applauding) Good acting, lad! (Eyebrows look depressed and deflated, like lost puppies)
Draco M: (pauses) but wait… I'm too beautiful to die. The blood… it could ruin my handsome features… and manicured nails... the tragedy!
Hermione G: (grasps his hand to check nails) Merlin's beard, they're good! Tell me Draco, what's your secret?
Neville L: (Background music to scene – singing) Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline!
Snape: (with disdainful sneer) Granger! Hands off those hands! (Does strange impression of cat fight, flailing limbs and all.) Get down on one knee and give me a soliloquy!
Hermione throws herself to the floor with surprising alacrity.
Hermione G: (traumatised) Is this a dagger I see before me?
Snape: (in alarm, eyebrows rise into hairline in wild escape attempt) Not that one! Do you mean to get us all cursed! Give me Hamlet, from the top!
Hermione G: (walking off) To be or not to be…
Two bees randomly fly into the great hall, buzzing the Danish national anthem.
Bees: bzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Random characters twitch, Colin C. falls to the floor in a fit. Snape smiles. Bees acquire target and go for threatening eyebrows.
Snape: Yes, as I was saying…(pauses)…as I was saying
Bees: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Snape: Listen to me, children. Ignore the killer bees.
Bees: BZZZZZZZZZZ
Snape: (snaps) AVADA KADAVRA!!! (eyebrows perform perfect Mexican wave)
Harry P: NO! The killing curse which killed my parents, and scarred me for life, and hangs threateningly over my future, and is coincidentally the same colour as my eyes! He is HERE!!
Draco M: Typical Potter reaction. If there's death and destruction then it's GOT to be Voldemort.
Bees slowly flutter to the ground.
Hermione G: (having returned) Did anyone else find that delayed death strange?
She is ignored, so goes off to continue her soliloquy. Strains of 'Alas poor Yorick' float in her wake.
Snape: Ignoring the fact that I just produced a perfect Unforgivable Curse...and that I am flagrantly evil (sometimes even going so far as to be nefarious)… and that I HATE Harry Potter… there is absolutely no possibility that I am still an evil Deatheater.
Stunned silence. No one is willing to challenge him. The eyebrows smile.
Snape: (clapping hands together in strange, scary impression of teenage cheerleader. Eyebrows preen) Well, that wraps it up for today! Dance auditions start tomorrow. (pauses to cackle evilly). Attendance is compulsory!!
That's all folks!
At least… for now… mwahahahahaha. The next chapter is in progress… in which people will dance, laugh, scream and cry… guest starring Draco Malfoy in a tutu.
In your shock, don't forget to review!
Jeje avec la mook