Step One: Join the Strawhats
Chapter 1
Hi there! I have just binge-read this fic, so consider this a review for the whole story and not only for the latest chapter.
The beginning is really interesting and well thought-through. It's not that original, but hey, every SI Fic somehow starts the same, so that's not a problem. It might have been more fun if your SI character did not get a devil fruit right from the start, but that's not that important for the storyline itself, I guess.
I think your devil fruit, the write-write fruit, was something I haven't seen used before, so I liked how you explored how to use it best. You did a good job there. What I didn't like about it is that it is a bit too overpowered for my tastes.
The characters were portrayed a lot like canon at the start and I really liked the feeling of the story, but somewhere after the Alabasta arc, things kind of started to go downhill. Badly. Nami turned into a money-minded witch who doesn't care about her friends, I felt as if Zoro would rather take his swords and leave and Sanji would never leave someone hungry if he could do something about it. That's not going to happen. Just don't.
The same development that happened with the characters also happened with your storytelling in general. The dialog stopped flowing and there are some serious grammar issues. Also, I don't know what made you think that "Woodmover, move the wood over here" is acceptable dialog for Galeyla workers.
Maybe you'd want to rewrite the last bit of the story instead of continuing with updates, BeenObviouslyReversed? Or at least take a break from writing if you're going through a lot of stress in real life now, because everyone would be happier with quality instead of quantity.
After I read through my review once more, I clicked on the 'send' button. Immediately afterwards, I had the feeling that maybe the review was a bit harsh, but I also knew that I couldn't change it anymore. The author probably didn't care either and would just continue doing the thing he did.
Or not.
1 new PM. That was fast.
Hi!
Thanks for your review, I do appreciate it. I know that the story quality is not the best, but that's because I am only doing this for fun and also because it's my first try at a fanfic. I was already thinking about rewriting it from scratch, so maybe that's something you can look forward to?
In case you review again, I hope you will be less harsh and maybe a bit more constructive? It is important that people tell me what they don't like, but it would help me far more if you could bring forth a few solutions for those problems.
BeenObviouslyReversed
Might as well do that constructive part right now then.
Wouldn't it be more fun to write a qualitatively better fanfic? And I understand the 'first fanfic' argument because everyone has to start somewhere, but that does not really explain why the quality dropped so much since you did some great work in the first chapters.
So, about constructive: Maybe create a less bland Self insert character? Reading Oleander Blake is just a long name for a character that is very generic. He has his special character traits, but as a whole, he is almost on light novel main character level which is not a good sign. I doubt that you yourself are so generic; why don't you use your own personality as a reference? It's an SI fic, after all.
Also, yeah I understand that you want your Random Omnipotent Being involved in the plot instead of only being a plot device but that doesn't mean he has to deus ex machina the Strawhats out of every little problem.
You might also want to rewatch/ reread One Piece to get a hang of the characters to avoid all that OOCness.
It didn't take my chat partner long to answer again. How fast did he think, write and/ or read?!
It might be more fun, but it is also more stress. Stress that I don't need right now because I've got plenty to handle without writing this story.
I started to believe that our encounter would not end in a new budding friendship.
Bland? You really think that my SI character is that boring? How did you even make it through so many chapters then? But I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Have you ever tried to create an original character? It is quite difficult.
This was not going into the direction I wanted the chat to go, but since I already messed up this much, there was no saving it. Or maybe I was interpreting spite into a neutrally-meant message.
It can't be that hard if so many people can do it. Just… write a human being.
If you want to, I can try and help you with your story. Make it more interesting in general, write some better characters, get the story flowing. Because your plot needs a bit of help, too.
And again, a way too fast answer.
Oh yes, please do. How about right now?
Was that sarcasm?
Right now isn't that great. It's late where I live and my fluffy pillow feels lonely without my head. How about tomorrow? In 10 hours?
This time, the other person took quite some time to answer.
Sounds good to me. See you later then!
In summer, there is nothing better for a good night's rest than sleeping with an open window, in my opinion. You get all the fresh air and since it's cool outside, your bedroom will also be cooled. Air motion and the freshness are also positive effects. Of course, there are also some negative side-effects. You get more mosquitoes that bite you nonstop, depending on where you live, there might also be some other insects sneaking into your room. People sensitive to sunlight might wake up early. And of course, it's not that nice a feeling when the wind blows sand into your face.
Wait… sand should not be on the list. That's probably dirt my cat brought into my bed and that dropped on my face due to me moving around a lot in bed.
Anyway, moving on. If you're the kind of person who needs a blanket no matter what, an open window might help because you'll need something to keep you covered from the breeze. Speaking of blanket, I think I kind of lost mine. I've been clumsily trying to find it with closed eyes and somehow, I must have kicked it off the bed because I could not feel it anywhere close. My pillow was missing, too.
Damn, there was a lot of dirt on my bed. And for some reason, it seemed to stretch endlessly. And then something landed on my face.
"Please don't be a grasshopper," I murmured after the thing did not move for a while. "I don't need another grasshopper incident."
Slowly, I moved my hands to the maybe-living thing positioned on my eyes and poked the thing. I let go of the breath I held after it fell down. So no grasshopper. Alright.
The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes was that the sun was not in the right place. The sun was not supposed to be straight above me. I sat up faster than I ever did before.
Beach.
I had been sleeping on a freaking beach.
I do not live anywhere near a beach.
The last time I have seen a beach has been 2 years ago.
I did not even like beach vacation that much.
Beach.
I fell back on my back and shielded my eyes from the sun with my left arm.
"It's definitely too early to deal with this… situation."
That was when another thing landed on my arm.
It seemed the world decided that it was, in fact, not too early to deal with my sudden beach visit. I lifted my arm and watched a paper airplane fall down beside my head. A bit curious, I sat up again and examined the plane.
It was nothing special. Just a run off the mill paper airplane like the ones kindergarten kids could fold. Did that mean that someone was close by? I scanned the area with a glare, but there were only a few trees behind me and sand. And ocean, of course.
Then I saw a third plane heading towards my head from across the water. Before it could hit me, I snapped it out of the air. I might've used more force than necessary and the annoying thing was crumbled pretty badly. That's when I noticed that there was something written on them on the inside.
Are you ignoring me? Rude. After you promised me to help write this damn story. How are we supposed to do this if you don't answer?
No. NO. Nonononononononononono-
I glanced at the other two messages and hastily unfolded them as well.
Oh, I forgot to mention: Good luck and have fun!
I guess the first step is finding the Strawhats and joining, huh?
And then the other one read:
Hi again!
It's been 10 hours now, so I figured you'd be ready to help me out. So, I thought it would be easier for us to write this story and 'just write human characters' if you entered directly and did the human part on your own. Fantastic idea, eh?
Yes, this is the One Piece world. Yes, I did this. Maybe I'll let you get back home if you do a good job – it depends on how good my story will be in the end.
See ya,
BeenObviouslyReversed, your local R.O.B.
P.S. let's do this the old-fashioned way and be penpals!
I would love to say that my first thought was something like 'I accidentally insulted the fanfic of a R.O.B.?! How did that happen?! I miss my family!' or 'I hope I survive this and can get home safely' or maybe even 'Nice! No more term papers and boring classes!'. But instead, it was simply the thing I snarled right after having read the letter which was: "How am I supposed to write a reply without a pen, idiot?"
That was when the next airplane approached, this time with a very sharp pencil taped onto it.
Sorry, I forgot. So, from now on, I'll be waiting for your answers, penpal friend!
I grabbed the pencil and turned the sheet of paper around to have some space to write on. But the backside was not entirely blank as I thought it had been with the other planes. In one corner in tiny letters stood 'To: Jayna From: R.O.B.' and there was a little box next to 'Return to Sender'. I ticked the box and started to write my answer.
You know what? Fine! I'll play along. I'll join the Strawhats and give you enough material for a fanfiction that's good enough to get an own fanbase – just don't blame me if people don't want to read it because of your poor writing skills.
And you know what? Just to spite you, I'll enjoy every second of this adventure!
I folded the piece of paper into a airplane, stood up and threw the plane in the direction it came from.
It was time to kickstart this wild ride. The sooner I could find out where I was, the sooner I'd join the Strawhats and begin this story.
At first, I believed that the R.O.B. had dropped me on a deserted island, but after walking along the beach it turned out that there was civilization. Some villagers were walking down the streets, old men were chatting on porches and women were trying to get the best prices at the small market.
And the children looked at me and asked questions like 'Mama, why does this woman wear bed clothes?' and 'Was she robbed by the mountain bandits? Was she out too late?'. Otherwise the villagers were nice enough to not comment on my appearance. It seemed that the policy here was to stare and comment later when no one could hurt you – in case you insulted the wrong person.
The moment that I realized where R.O.B. has put me, my thoughts just… stopped for a minute or two.
Partys Bar.
Either this bar was a chain and very popular in East Blue/the Blues/ this whole planet…
…or I was in Foosha Village.
Foosha Village.
The village where Luffy grew up.
Or, at least it was close to his home and he visited regularly.
The village he started his journey at.
Foosha Village.
Now that I think about it, I believe I saw some windmills.
Partys Bar.
Okay, I start to repeat myself a bit too much.
The only thing to do now was to find Luffy and the person who could help me the most was probably Makino.
"Youngster! Are you going to enter or not?" a grumpy voice behind me complained.
When I turned around, the first thing I saw was his red-and-white-striped hat. Basically because he was so small that I could not see anything else of relevance at first. Then I noticed his cane. And when he looked up, the glasses and his grey goatie as well as moustache stood out.
Woop Slap. An old-ish Woop Slap. Does that mean that R.O.B. was nice enough to not make me wait until Luffy was grown up enough to join his adventure?
"Are you entering or not?" he repeated himself, patience slowly but surely leaving his voice. I simply nodded.
When I opened the door and stepped inside, he headed directly for the bar, muttering about indecisiveness, wrong decisions, and how much he hated to have people around who damaged the reputation of the village with their stupidity… Was that referring to me as well?
The bar was a nice locale. Very well illuminated, friendly, and warm. Accepting. I could completely understand why Luffy liked this place and why Shanks decided to stay for a year. It's a place that you like to stay at.
It was mostly empty. Probably because it was still early for people to be drinking. A group of around fifteen old men were sitting in a corner, drinking, laughing and telling stories of adventures. I could make out names like 'Tsuru', 'Sengoku', and 'Kuzan'. Garp surely did not think a lot about his choice before he dropped Luffy and Ace here. It's a miracle no one with malicious intent found the kids when famous pirates drop by and the old people all know high-ranking marines.
"Welcome to Partys Bar," said the woman behind the counter. A few strands of her green hair framed her face while the rest was kept in place under a kerchief. Makino smiled at me friendly. "Have you just arrived here?"
"Hello. Yes, I am new here," I responded quickly and moved towards her and sat down on a free chair.
Makino seemed to waiting for me to say something and that's when I finally remembered that this was a bar and people came to a bar to order drinks. "I don't have any money, so I can't order anything. Sorry." Makino chuckled. She left for a short while and went into the kitchen only to come back with a glass of orange juice. "You look like you ran into mountain bandits. Did you get robbed by them? You can go to the police station and if you're lucky and they catch the group, you can get back what they stole."
A shaky smile formed on my lips. "You could say that I got robbed, but I don't think that the police can help me get back – what I lost. Thanks for the juice."
"Makino! We need some more sake!" the men in the background shouted as a chorus and the barkeeper smiled even brighter. "I'll be there in a minute!" Loud cheers broke loose.
She took as many bottles fit on a tray and carried them over to the table. Loud shouts of "Kanpai!" erupted from some while others kept Makino busy with conversation.
That's when something poked my arm. I sighed into the juice. Not this paper plane mess again.
You also might want to find Luffy soon. You'll never know when it'll be too late to join him on his grand adventure~
Was the bastard trying to confuse me? Makino is here and she was shown to be at the port when Luffy left. Will he leave today? No, I think it would be too late for him to leave today. But maybe tomorrow?
Luffy is the type to take me along even if I only join him right when he sets sail; he wouldn't question the decision even if he didn't know me… Or would he? Is there even a slightest chance that Luffy could not take me along if we hadn't met earlier on?
Makino was back from entertaining her guests and had started to polish glasses.
"-no longer entertaining your friends?"
Makino should know when Luffy will leave.
"It's nice to talk to them but-"
Can I ask her without seeming suspicious?
"-wanted to ask you how-"
She's an open-minded person.
"How is it going at M-"
She probably doesn't think I'm suspicious for wanting to join Luffy on an adventure.
"Hey… uh, Makino, right?"
She looked at me questioningly but still friendly.
"I heard there was someone who wanted to go to sea here. I think the name was Luffy. Do you know where he lives?"
Makino opened her mouth to answer but her voice sounded a lot deeper than normal and also pretty old.
"There is a kid named Luffy living close by. Why are you interested?"
I furrowed my brows. What happened to Makino's voice while she was over by the geezers' table?
"I heard he wants to build a pirate crew and I thought I might join."
"YOU WILL NOT TURN MY CUTE GRANDSON INTO A PIRATE! HE WILL BECOME AN UPSTANDING MARINE!"
My ear almost flew off at the sudden shout. I swear the sheer volume already produced wind strong enough to unseat me.
From my position on the floor I could see an angry Garp with a red head tower over me, arms stemmed against his hip and red head giving off steam through his nose.
Note to self: the floor of the One Piece world was just as hard as the one I was used to.
Also: Shit, why is Garp here?! And did I just do the most stupid thing possible?
"I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO BECOME A PIRATE WHILE I AM AROUND!"
"Garp, there is something you need to know," Makino started while leaning over the counter and touching Garp's arm tenderly.
"Not now, Makino. First, I will have to make sure that this girl here gives up on becoming a pirate." Garp said while grinning at the barkeeper. The redness in his face didn't go away which might be an effect of the countless bottles of alcohol that were littered at the old men's table.
"…And how will this work?" I asked quietly. Better to get this over quickly. I hope this doesn't end in a fist of love. Technically, I am still a normal citizen, so he can't hurt me, right? Right?!
Garp sat down again and rubbed his chin. "How….how…" Makino used Garp's long thought process to help me up from the floor. I thanked her quietly and she just nodded. I think she also winked at me playfully. But I might have imagined that little detail.
"AAAAAAAH! I GOT IT!" and Garp was back on his feet. "I just have to show you how much Luffy wants to be a marine and you will give up on that damned life choice!"
He was going to take me to Luffy now? Wasn't that counter-productive for him? Was this actually the point when I meet Luffy and get added to his crew? Was this actually good fo-
Garp grabbed my arm. "See you later, Makino!" And he started to sprint. I tried to keep up with him, but he was already out of the bar when I realized I should start running. Any try to run with him instead of getting dragged was useless and I bumped into every kind of object in our way. I briefly saw old people grin at me and Makino waving as she stood in the doorframe of Partys Bar.
"DAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAN!" Garp shouted at a hut in the forest while still holding my arm in a very, very tight grip. I think the blood is no longer able to circulate.
"HEEEEEY DAAAAADAAAAAN, ARE YOU HOOOME?" The few birds that had been around decided to leave when Garp took a deep breath to shout at the hut a third time. Luckily for my own ears, the third time stopped being a thing when a very sturdy build woman through a wooden log into his mouth.
"I heard you just fine the first time around, old man." She waited until Garp stopped picking the splinters out of his tongue before she continued.
"What do you want?" she huffed.
Garp's grin recovered as he proudly declared with his breast puffed up to maximum: "I'm here to check on my grandson!"
Dadan's gaze landed on me and then back on Garp and back to me for several times. I guess she then decided that she really didn't want to know the story behind my presence and simply stated: "You're too late. He set sail yesterday to become Pirate King."
She then turned, went back into her hut, and closed the door.
I stared at the door. Garp stared at the door. He let go off me but I did not move my arm from the position it was in, frozen in place by the simple yet devastatingly effective message.
For the first time I and Garp felt the same way.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"
A paper slapped me in the face. It simply read LOL.
A/N: Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I wrote some fanfiction and I decided to get back to it with a One Piece Self-Insert project. I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I do.