Chapter 1:A Meeting of Worlds (or, Ways to Kill Dib)
Dib glared across the classroom. He had begged, pleaded, even tried to bribe Mrs. Bitters to let him keep his seat in the front of the classroom. But, after many years of 'disruptions to the doomed educational system' (as Mrs. Bitters had put it), he had been sentenced to the back of the classroom. Old looking kid kept grinning at him. Dib carefully edged his desk over.
"Yes, what is it Zim?" Dib's head shot up. Mrs. Bitters was addressing Zim! Maybe she'd finally realized he was alien- that he didn't have a skin condition after all- that he was trying to-
"I forgot my putrid and disgusting normal earth worm lunch at my house," Zim stated, his eyes quirking oddly. Dib heard the tip of his pencil snap off. He briefly glanced down. Aww man! I can never find these things! he though in despair. That was the fourth Mysterious Mysteries pencil he'd ruined since Monday. And it was Tuesday."Fine Zim. Go get it and be quick about it. Everyone, continue reading your moose pamphlets," Mrs. Bitters, said, before slithering up and down the aisles.
"Wait! You can't just let him leave like that! He's planning something I tell you! Planning something!" Dib yelled, shooting out his seat and pointing his broken pencil at Zim.
"Why Dib, I'm shocked that you would accuse me of something so primitive," Zim said, innocently glaring back at Dib.
"You can't! He's trying to take over the world!"
"Dib, sit down! Zim, get out of my classroom. Return to your doomed lives the rest of you!" Mrs. Bitters ordered, appearing in front of Dib. With a shriek of surprise, Dib fell backwards into his seat. The class laughed, the old looking kid snorting in between wheezes. By the time Dib pulled himself up, Zim was gone, and his moose pamphlet had little bunnies drawn across the cover. I'll let the world know you're an alien, Zim! Then you'll be all cut open- and other bad things!, Dib thought, before grudgingly flipping his moose book open.
***
"Gir! Where is my toilet?" Zim hollered. The little green dog rolled into the room, covered in bright pink wallpaper.
"I want a waffle!" Gir replied, hopping up and down, a large roll of wallpaper banging against the ground.
"Gir, where is my toilet?" Zim asked slowly, clenching his fists to the rhythm his twitching eye had created.
"What?!" Zim screeched. Gir giggled, before bounding out of the room. Zim glared darkly at the hole where his toilet had once been. The tube to his laboratory was still there, but in plain view.
"Stupid stink beast planet! I bet the Dib-human had something to do with this!" Zim jumped down the tube, the elevator thingy taking him down to his computer main frame. When he stepped out, Zim's toupee tipped off his head unnoticed.
Wires were scattered everywhere, blinking with yellow sparks, which would hit other sparks and create more sparks. His glorious computer was shattered, metal bits littering the cracked steel floor. Glass shards from his science experiments and television screens were imbedded in the Voot Runner, which resembled a crushed tin can. Zim's metallic spider like legs shot out of his backpack, and furiously made their way across the rubble, pulling the enraged Irken along to the Voot Runner. The spider legs pulled back, dropping Zim on the ground in front of his ship. He ran his fingers along the side, searching for the data report switchy thing he'd installed the other day. His rough fingers encountered the divot where the button had been, spiky plastic outlining its rim. Zim growled in anger.
"Whoever you be, whether a pathetic earth monkey or not, you will feel my wrath!" Zim screeched, throwing his head back.
***
Johnny happily walked down the sidewalk, a cherry brainfreezy in one had, and a glowing stun gun in the other. The high school students had been quite an interesting kill. Why, one even tried karate on poor Nny. Not that it mattered much. He was just stunned first. Nny sighed with content, pulling his headphones over his ears. He'd already gone home to his wall, and had brought his stun gun along by accident.
"What a weirdo," a skool teacher muttered to another teacher. Johnny looked over his shoulder at the teacher, who sneered at him. Mr. What's-his-name, Nny thought darkly. His fifth grade teacher was talking to Mrs. Bitters, his fourth grade teacher. Johnny looked between his cheery brainfreezy and his stun gun.
"Hmm, the batteries almost dead…" he muttered, flipping his stun gun around. With a groan, he tossed it over his shoulder, before walking into the skool grounds. He jumped onto one of the many playground platforms.
"I'd like to have your attention!" he asked politely. A few tiny kids glanced at him, before running in circles again. Johnny felt his anger starting to build. Hopping down, he decided to proceed with business as usual. Pulling a rather rusty knife out of his pocket (which you wouldn't know was there unless you already knew that), Johnny casually walked over to Mr. Teacher Thing-
-and was violently knocked out of the way by a green thing with antennas.
"Pathetic Dib-human! I will kill you for your trespassing and destroying!" it yelled. Johnny pulled himself off the ground, and slipped the knife back into his pocket. He walked back to the playground platform and took a seat.
"Interesting. I get to see an alien thing kill something without actually being in the fight…" he said to himself, absently watching the children run screaming at the chain link fence.
***
Dib glanced up just as Zim collided with his body.
"What are you doing, Zim? Decide to reveal yourself?" Dib yelled, while holding Zim's hands back.
"You destroyed my lab!" Zim yelled, the spider legs snapping out of his pod and pinning Dib to the ground. "For that you will die!"
"Destroyed your lab? I didn't do that!" Dib protested, vainly struggling against the spider legs. Zim's face went blank, as he stared at Dib.
"You didn't?"
"No. I've been trying to figure out how to get down there, but I didn't break anything," Dib said, glaring at Zim.
"You lie! Puny worm baby!" Zim spat, lowering one of his spider legs against Dibs neck. The sharp edge scraped against Dib's skin.
"But I didn't do anything!" Dib yelled, turning his head to get away from the sharp leg.
"Oh well. I was going to kill you anyway," Zim said, shrugging a shoulder.
"You know, it'd be more enjoyable if you pulled off his leg first and watched him try to run." Zim turned around, pulling his leg back from Dib's neck. Dib looked towards the speaker as well.
He was tall and thin, with distinct black hair and what Dib thought were the most interesting boots he'd ever seen in his short life.
"What do you speak of, earth monkey?" Zim hissed. Dib shivered despite himself. Zim's red eyes were quite intimidating, especially when he was standing over you.
"Just a suggestion. You don't have to be rude about it," the man muttered, pulling a rusty knife out of his pocket. "You see, if you cut his lower leg off at the joint, he'd be in excruciating pain, and he'd be unable to hobble away."
"You know, I'm getting the feeling that you've done this before," Dib said, managing to slip an arm out from under Zim's leg, and pushing his glasses up.
"I have."
"Lovely."
There was a rather awkward silence.
"What are you doing to my brother, Zim?" The three turned to face the only person left on the playground.
"Gaz! Help me!" Dib yelled. Gaz raised an eyebrow over her squinted eyes.
"Excuse me? I swore vengeance Dib. I swore it. And I didn't even have to do anything," she said, pulling her GameSlave4 from her pocket and turning it on.
"No Gaz! You don't understand! They're trying to kill me!" Dib yelled. Zim looked between Gaz and Dib, an amused smile on his face.
"Poor stink beast! Even those of your own blood will not believe you! Now, to pay for my lab!" Zim lowered his leg against Dib again.
"I thought you were going to rip his leg off!" Johnny yelled.
"I'll do that later," Zim said, waving a hand at Nny.
"Why don't you do it now?" Gaz asked, glancing up from her game for a second.
"Because he'll be all screamy and loud," Zim said.
"He's all screamy right now. You're only cheating him right now, keeping him for the ultimate assurance that his shitty existence can be called life!" Johnny said, that conviction look on his face.
"He'd have more of a chance to escape," Gaz put in.
"True," Johnny said in agreement.
"But if I kill him now he can't escape," Zim said.
"Yes, but it would be awfully boring," Johnny said shrugging.
"But if he escapes he can continue to foil my plans."
"It would be funny to see him beg," Johnny said suggestively.
"Well, of course it would be. But if he got away…" Gaz trailed off.
"So I should just kill him now," Zim concluded.
"No, that's not what I was saying. What I meant was that you could cut off both of his legs," she said.
"Why can't I just keep my legs?" Dib murmured.
"Because I want you to be legless chicken boy! Legless!" Johnny said, holding his knife out at Dib.
"He's mine to kill!" Zim said, turning two of his legs on Johnny.
"But I'm so much better at it!"
"I think I should get to! He's my brother," Gaz said, putting her GameSlave4 aside.
"He is mine, earth monkey! I trapped him!" Zim yelled.
"He ate all my pizza," Gaz said.
"He destroyed my lab," Zim said, glaring at her.
"For the last time, I did not destroy your computer-thingy!" Dib said with a groan. The three bickering people turned to face him. "Well I didn't. Maybe someone else knows you are an alien."
"No, you're the only person who's been harassing me lately," Zim said.
"But I couldn't have done it! I was at Bloaty's with Gaz and my dad!" Zim turned to Gaz.
"See? I told you! And now the entire skool has seen you as your alien self!" Dib said with immense satisfaction.
"I say we kill him anyway. Why waste perfectly good tension?" Johnny said, downing the last of his brainfreezy.
"Wait a minute! Can't you at least see he's an alien?" Dib shrieked at Johnny, pointing to Zim. Nny shrugged.
"I've got Styrofoam puppets that tell me to kill myself," he said, tossing the empty cup aside. Dib paled.
"Zim, if Dib didn't destroy your lab, shouldn't you be trying to figure out who did?" Gaz asked. Zim cocked an eye at her.
"What do you mean?"
"If they did it once and didn't get caught, what's to keep them from doing it again?" Zim nodded slowly.
"I see your point, worm baby. I will dispose of that villain after I kill the Dib human."
"But Dib could help you find him," Gaz said, clenching her fist as if the idea had just hit her. "Think about it. Everyone knows that Dib thinks you're an alien. If the bad guy is going to drop anything, it's going to be in front of Dib!"
"Yes, yes. But then he-" Johnny said, pointing at Dib, "- could still double cross the green guy here."
"But I wouldn't!" Dib screamed.
Zim squinted at Dib.
"Yes you would."
"Well, I would. But not until after the bad guy was caught! I'll be the one to turn you in, Zim! I will! No one else!" Dib said hysterically, waving his arms around.
"Dear god, can we just kill him already? The noise is hurting my ears," Johnny said, pitifully holding his head (through the headphones too!).
"No no, this plan may work. All right, Dib-human. You will find this, this bad guy thing, and give him to me by the end of the month. Then I will kill you," Zim said, retracting his spider legs. Dib jumped up, triumphantly pointing at Zim.
"Ha! Now the whole skool knows you're an alien!" he said. "They ran when they saw you!"
"No. They ran because the ice cream man is over there," Gaz said, pointing behind Dib. All of the students and teachers were rocking the ice cream truck back and forth while chanting.
"No!!"
"Ooo! An ice cream man!" And Johnny shot off after the evil frozen food selling man with his knife out.
______
Have no fear Dib-people! Johnny won't be returning (I think I butchered his entrance enough). I promise, no more crossovers (heh, just had to try me luck with one…). Anyway, eventually, the bad guy thingy will be revealed, and we can all sing Shirley Temple songs while tap dancing to techno! And even if the bad guy isn't, we can still tap and sing and be happy little creatures of doom and stuff.
***