Ok, I have no idea where this came from, but it happened while I was watching the new episode. It doesn´t really have something to do with the new episode and there are no spoilers to the it. So enjoy and please comment what you thought.

The first time Castiel healed someone, he was suprised why they would scramble away, why they would want to get away from the one thing that could heal them. Why they would cry out and shout at him for being nice to them. Why they didn't like that energy of pure good that he felt was coming directly from God. Why they would be angry at him for trying to help them, for trying to make something good.

He went to others and asked them, but they couldn't tell him either. They just accepted it as it was and tried to ignore it, tried to ignore their protest because they knew that in the end it would be better for their own good. They were just helping them.

But Castiel couldn't erase the thought out of his mind, he couldn't get rid of the burning question of why they hated that feeling so much which was everything in his life. He kept thinking and pondering about, but he never found an answer. He tried asking people, but they wouldn't answer him. They would have run away before he had a chance to question them further. He didn't understand that either. Why would they run from him?

Some of his brothers and sisters were scary, he had to admit that. And from some of him Castiel wanted to run himself, as he was younger at least. But the people could see that he didn't want them any bad, didn't they? They had to see it in his soul.

Castiel followed this mystery for his whole life but never found an answer that would please him. Eventually he stopped asking, but he always kept the question buried somewhere in his head.

SPNSPNSPN

One day the question surfaced again as he saw Sam scrambling away from his as he was trying to heal him. He stopped, cocked his head and observed Sam. He had his eyes squeezed closed, head bent as far away from the angel as he could and hands raised as if to protect himself.

"Why are you doing that?" asked Castiel.

Sam stopped, opened his eyes slightly and squinted up to Castiel.

"Doing what?" he asked, not getting what the angel was wondering about.

"Doing… that. The squinting, getting away from me. I am only trying to help you, Sam." Castiel answered, trying to read his thoughts. But as usual they were to confused to paint a clear image to the angel.

"It hurts. That's the normal, human reaction to pain, Cas. You've been with us quite a time now, haven't you noticed? We always do that, to protect us from pain, to keep it away from us, to…"

But Castiel wasn't listening anymore.

"It hurts?" he asked, eyes wide open. "I hurt you?"

Sam stopped talking, mouth still open and glanced up at Castiel. He closed his mouth and shook his head.

"Of course it does. Whatever you do, it hurts. Why do you think we stiffen and squint when you do that stuff?"

The angel couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was hurting people. He hurt people. He had hurt so many people and he always thought that he had done the right thing. Of course they were scared of him, of course they would try and get away from him, who could blame them? He was no better than a demon, after all.

"I… hurt them?" he said.

"Yes"

"But… I want to heal them… Why do I hurt them?"

"I don't know, Cas. It's probably… something to do with our bodies or something like that. You change the body, shift it around. That has to be noticed somehow."

Castiel couldn't get over it.

"I hurt people… I am sorry, Sam, that I hurt you."

But Sam shook his head.

"You mean well. You heal me, and in the end I am glad you did. But in that second… It's scary that someone so powerful is hurting me. But I trust you, Cas. And that's why I allow you to hurt me, because I know you don't mean to."

And Cas knew that he wouldn't stop healing people, even if that meant that he had to hurt them. Because it was for their own good, even if they didn't realise it in that second. And he understood why many of his brothers and sisters were so annoyed, so unwilling to help people. Because they didn't understand. It wasn't their fault, no, they couldn't do anything about it. But they didn't understand, they didn't see, they couldn't feel. They missed something, which for Castiel was the one thing keeping him together, the feeling that kept him going on those days on which he wanted to give up. He couldn't ever imagine how they managed that, and his respect for the humans grew even more.