Disclaimer Like, my guys Deanie, Romie and Sethie are like not really mine (though they should be, 'cause I just love The Shield!) So, don't sue me! Okay? And in this story, Shield never broke up 'cause that gave me a big sad and so I'm IGNORING THAT BREAK UP AND YOU SHOULD TOO WHEN YOU READ THIS!
Sparkleshine Sue Sugar is mine thou, so don't steal her! Even thou you'll want to, 'cause she's so AWESOME!
LOLLOLLOL!
Author's note: No, I have not taken up meth or crack smoking as a new hobby. I was having trouble writing because I'm not feeling well (same crud, still kicking my butt) and I yelled, "I can't write anything good!"
To which my beta reader yelled, "Then write something bad, just write!"
I think she was joking, but half in jest I sat down and wrote the first couple pages and let her read it. She couldn't stop laughing and dared me to publish it. So, here we are.
Please don't hate me. Please don't take this seriously. This is a parody. This is something they could put in text books about how to write poorly. Either you'll get it or you won't.
The Road To Her Hart (Get it? Like Brett Hart? Instead of Heart, I spelled it Hart, isn't that cute?)
By Sparkles 4Eva
Chapter One-
We're Not Worthy!
The members of Shield were sitting in the back of the arena eating lunch when the announcement was made. "ALL TALLENT PLEASE REPORT TO THE FRONT AREA RIGHT AWAY! VINCE HAS A WICKED IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE AND YOU ALL SHOULD BE THERE!"
Roman finished off his turkey sandwich. "We should go to that."
"Yes, we should," Seth said and nodded too as he chewed on the last of his fish taco.
"I'm still eating," Dean said, shoveling Coco Krispies cereal into his face and getting a chocolate milk 'stash that made him look even extra cuter than normal.
The big, ultra smexy Samoan shook his head, his silky raven colored locks falling about his face. Weird, since he had his hair in a pony tale, but some of it must have escaped. "If Vince says this is a wicked important announcement, then we like really gotta go."
"Yeah," sort-of weasel like, but still TOTALLY cute in his own way, Seth said. "I mean, first it is Vince. Second it is wicked important. And everyone knows wicked important is much more important that regular important, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah." The cutie pie blonde rolled his beautiful sapphire blue eyes in a look that clearly said, 'yeah yeah, whatever,' and said, "whatever." then added, "Just let me finish my cereal, okay? You know how grumpy I get when someone interrupts me from my Coco Krispies!"
"Well, hurry up," the big, ultra smexy Samoan sex god says.
A few minutes later, the three BROTHERS 4 LIFE! headed to the front of the arena, like where the show takes place. Everyone was already gathered around the ring looking all nervous and stuff, because they had no clue what the wicked important announcement was about.
"Hey," Dean cutely asked CM Punk, who almost quit but came back because he knew the WWE needed him and because he knew he needed to be close to AJ cause they were like married AND REALLY IN LOVE. "Do you know what this announcement is about?"
"No, I don't," CM Punk said, still feeling grateful, that he had come back to the WWE, "I do know that it's supposed to be wicked important."
"Well DUH! " Seth said, rolling his sparkly brown eyes as he spoke. "The announcement SAID it was WICKED important. We could have told YOU that."
"Fine, then I won't share shit with you anymore," Punk snapped, cause even though he's back, he's still a pretty grumpy guy like that cat everyone likes.
Finally, Triple H got into the ring through the trap door at the bottom where like the Undertaker and Kane sometimes went though. He could have come down the ramp and all, but he decided this would be like a lot more dramatic and stuff. "I'm glad you're all here," He said, looking around. "'Cause Vince, the owner of the company will be here any second and he's got something wicked important to tell you." As he looked around, his eyes fell on Dean. "Dean, you've got a chocolate milk 'stash on your face."
"So?" Dean said, 'cause he's like the lunatic. "Does it BOTHER you or something?
"No," Hunter said, rolling his eyes. "I just thought you'd like to know. But if you don't care, then neither do I."
Soon though, the lights went dim. "LOOK OVER THERE!" Triple H shouted and pointed to the back of the arena. Everyone looked because he was a boss and when your boss tells you to look, you look.
When they all turned back, Vince was standing in the ring with this girl. She was about eighteen years old with waist long black hair so black it almost looked blue, like the wings on a raven. She was wearing these really cute shorts too. Pink with white piping and little rhinestones in them that sparked when the light hit them. Her top matched her shorts, so it was pink too and across her double D breast, that were TOTALLY real, unlike some of the OTHER divas was written "SPARKLESHINE!" The rhinestones were so glittery and shiny that when the lights hit them you'd go almost about blind from glittershock. And her sneakers were pink too. But no rhinestones, cause that would be overkill. But the laces were the same shade of white as the piping on her shorts. She wore sparkly earrings too, and anyone with half a brain would know the jewels in them were real. They matched her eyes too, which were so dark blue they looked purple. In other words, she was a total megababe.
"Wow," the Sexy Beast Samoan said, "She's a megababe."
"Super megababe," Seth remarked.
"Makes me want to shoot her dog," Dean said, cause that boi be CRAZY!
"Everyone listen up," Vince said. "'Cause this is extremely important."
"I thought it was supposed to be wicked important," Dean whispered into Roman's ear, making Roman all hot and bothered and stuff, 'cause they're straight and stuff, but you know, when your friend is THAT hot it gives you ideas.
"He's old, he's gonna make mistakes like that," Roman whispered back, now making Dean's hairs on his neck stand all up and such. "But, listen!"
"I want to listen!" Seth hissed, but he wasn't hot and bothered cause no one whispered in his ear. "But you won't let me."
"SHUT UP, I'M TALKING!" Vince screamed at Seth, really upset 'cause he wants to make this announcement and everyone is talking.
Everyone got like real quiet and all. You could have heard a pin drop. "Good." Vince said, less pissed because people were finally listening and not joking around. "This is Sparkleshine Sue Sug-"
"Oh, what a beautiful name!" One of the Divas, the skinny blond one, interrupted to say sighingly.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" Vince roared, not happy that blonde chick interrupted him, even if she did say what everyone was thinking. "This is Sparkleshine Sue Sugar. She came for tryouts and all NTX yesterday. And she tried out, and ended up almost killing Charlotte in her tryouts-"
"-I didn't MEAN to," Sparkleshine interrupted, her voice sounding like golden droplets of sunshine dancing across those little hairs in your ears.
"I love her voice," Roman whispered into Seth's ear, because he wanted to get Seth hot and bothered to. "It sounds like golden droplets of sunshine-
"Dancing across those little hairs in your ears!" both men finished in unison. "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!" Seth said enthusiastically.
"I was going easy and all on her," Sparkleshine continued, 'cause she didn't know Roman and Seth were being all rude to her and whispering while she was talking, even if they were saying nicely truthful stuff. "I was holding back and everything, but gesh, I can't help it if compared to me she's all weak and sh-" She stopped because she almost said shit, but then said, "Stuff." That made everyone laugh because they knew what she really meant to say and it showed them she wasn't perfect so she couldn't be a Mary Sue.
"Yeah, we know," Vince said, looking Sparkleshine over carefully. "And normally, that could get you in some serious doo-doo, but there's something about you that makes me say you should be able to get away with anything you want. Anyway!" He looked back over at all the wrestlers and Diva's "With that much talent, we want her in the WWE, the big time. So, she's here."
"She's too pretty!" One of the diva's objected. The mousy one with the twin that looks slightly prettier than she does. "It's not fair!" she added, cause she's kind of a whiny baby like that. She doesn't deserve Daniel Bryan, although with that beard and all, maybe she does.
"Did I ASK for your opinion?" Vince roared like a roaring lion. "And I'll decide what is fair around here because I'm the boss! Got it?"
Mousy twin nods and kicked the ground.
"We don't mind," Dolph Ziggler said. "We like that she's the most beautiful woman we've ever seen in our lives." He nodded too.
"Yeah," All the guys agreed. Even the gay one, because even gay guys can appreciate a beautiful woman. That's what my hairdresser says, anyway and he should know, cause he's gayer than Christmas. And before you get mad at that, he's the one that told ME that. He said, "I'm gayer than Christmas," so okay? I'm only saying what HE said about himself.
"I want to ask her out," hunky Roman whispered to Seth.
"No fair, me too!" Not quite as hunky Seth whispered back. "And don't you have a fiance or wife or something? And a kid?"
"Yeah, but she's not the one for me." Roman said not taking his eyes off of Sparkleshine. "She's got ISSUES."
"I didn't know that." Deanie said.
"Neither did I until I saw Sparkleshine," Roman said, his voice really low and super mega smexy. "Now it's like all the stuff I was keeping suppressed is coming out. She's got issues, she's got to GO!"
"So," Vince was saying, even though people were talking and all, "She's joining the WWE and tonight she's going to have her first match against-"
Just as Vince was about to say who she would be fighting, a roly-poly guy who looked like a confused and slightly pissed walrus came from back stage with a microphone in his hands. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MY NAME IS PAUL HEYMAN!" he shouted, because he had some weird phobia that everyone would forget his name so he had to say it every time he talked to people. "AND I AM THE ADVOCATE FOR THE BEAST INCARNATION, BROCK LESNAR!"
"Yeah," Vince said, rolling his eyes. "We KNOW that! What do you WANT Paul?"
"You claim Sparkleshine is so tough?" Paul said, not shouting, but still pretty loud. "Then she should fight my client BAHROCK LESSSNARRR!"
"What, did you take your stupid pills this morning?" Vince sarcastically asked while rolling his eyes again. "She can't fight Brock Lesnar! For he is the beast incarnate and she's just the Most Hottest Diva Ever seen. He'll make glittersauce out of her!"
"Well," Paul said, ignoring the stupid pill remark because as it turned out, he had forgotten to take his medication that morning, but it was just stuff for being fat and having fat problems like diabetes and high blood pressure. He didn't really take stupid, pills because stupid pills aren't real, they're just Vince's way of being mean. "She's the one who's talking about how tough she is."
"Against other Diva's," Vince reminded him. "Duh, Paul, you were so worried about making a dramatic entrance that you didn't LISTEN. She almost killed Charlotte. Yeah, she might be too tough to fight our pussy Divas and all, but she's not up to fighting Brock Lesnar."
"Then she's not so tough after all!" Paul said, ignoring all the mean stuff Vince was saying about him not listening and deciding to go just for the heart of the matter. "Then she's just a wimpy wimp."
"HEY!" Sparkleshine screamed, angrily, her voice all shouty. "That's MEAN!" She spun around and looked at Vince. "That does it, no one calls me a wimp! That's a TRIGGER with me!"
"NOW look what you've done!" Vince shouted furiously to Paul Heyman. "You said a TRIGGER word! Sparkleshine had a HORRIBLE, TRAGIC PAST!"
"Everyone CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" Hunter roared, because someone had to get a grip on this, and he felt like the situation was getting out of control.
"NO!" Sparkleshine said. She looked at Paul Heyman, her eyes narrowed into steely slits of pure anger, all sorts of angry emotions leaking out of them like sparks. "You tell your client BROCK LESNAR that I'll fight him tonight on RAW under ONE condition!"
"Oh? What's that?" Paul said, figuring she'd ask for something dumb and female like sparkly nail polish. But he didn't know, she had a suitcase full of sparkly nail polish and was in fact, wearing sparkly pink nail polish because it matched her cute outfit.
"If I win," Sparkleshine said. "I get to JOIN the SHIELD as the FOURTH member!"
"All right!" Dean High-Fived Roman who did one of those fist pumps with his free hand.
"Babe in the SHIELD!" Seth crowed like a bird.
"Wouldn't you rather win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship?" Vince asked kinda surprised that she would just want to join Shield. A lot of girls liked to wear black, but Sparkleshine was more of a pink and purple kinda girl. If she joined Shield she'd have to wear black.
"No," Sparkleshine shook her head in the negative. "If I win, I get to join The Shield. 'Cause they're the coolest guys on the Rooster."
"I don't like this!" Vince said, not liking this.
"My client BROCK LESNAR accepts!" Paul said, even though he hadn't really asked Brock Lesnar, because Brock Lesnar wasn't out there. But being his advocate, Paul could make those arrangements and Brock would just have to suck it up and do it.
"Well, then, that's that!" Triple H said. "It's decided. Tonite Sparkleshine fights BROCK LESNAR in the main event. and if she wins she will be the fourth and only female member of the previously three-member all male Shield!"
And everyone cheered, cause they knew tonight's RAW was going to be the Best.
End of Chapter One
Authors Notes: PLZ review? Pretty, pretty, please with sugar whipped cream and a cherry on top? *Says with TEH HUGEST PUPPYDOG EYEZ* Just plz don't say mean things okay? Cause my mama taught me "If you can't say something nice, you don't say anything at all!" and that's how I feel too. So don't be extra picky about the grammar and stuff. But let me know how much you love Sparkleshine, cause I think she's the coolest OC around! And my Mom and Bestiebest and my Boyfriend (who's REAL you know, I didn't make him up, he's REAL and HE LOVES ME!) who I let read this agree. And don't you just loooove the name Sparkleshine? I called her that because my Dad used to call me Sparkles when I was a little kid. He'd say to me, "You sparkle, so I'm going to call you Sparkles." But I didn't want to call her just Sparkles so I called her Sparkleshine Sue Sugar. Which I think is a really pretty name. I was thinking of calling her Elkraps, because that's Sparklespelled backwards, but I like Sparkleshine better, don't you? Anyway, plz review and tells me howmuch you like this! *Moar Puppydog Eyes* I'll send you cookies if you do! Plz plz plz?
Until the next chapter which will be Chapter Two! The Best Raw EVAH! Love ya! kthxbi!