A/N: What happens when you have a sick artist cooped up in her apartment for an entire day? You get some really weird fanfics and shit like that. :D

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure if I owned anyone from KH or FF, the story lines wouldn't be so epic and insane and would be geared towards humor and…okay fine, insanity. Everyone needs more of that in their games anyway.

Warnings: Language, snarky situations, insane amounts of OOC and clam chowder.

Here's to the bane of the criminally insane

Or a better title:

In which Xemnas encounters a pointy object

----

Apparently his body hadn't gotten the memo about him being dead.

Yet if he were dead, then that would suggest that he wouldn't be feeling much of anything and seeing as his body felt like a giant sore, then perhaps somewhere along the lines he'd missed out on some important information about beings that weren't supposed to exist but existed anyway because the Kingdom Hearts world was created by some very twisted Japanese people.

But that just didn't make sense, as things like this usually didn't, so he tried to remember how he'd gotten thrown down this black hole of doom, wherever he was that was very dark, and suddenly remembered the agony of a crushing defeat that he'd hoped would've been sponged out of his head oh so conveniently.

He didn't want to die. He remembered that. He remembered that they'd had to kill his ass like five times, that's how much of a tenacious bastard he was, and that brought a little smile to his face, before he cringed and realized his face hurt and thought better of it next time.

Yes, he remembered that, he remembered feeling…hm…he'd been quite afraid of dying, despite that whole no-heart deal. But really, he couldn't imagine that a Nobody could really die, because the whole idea of death was that you got to go to the party in the sky, but for a Nobody, he guessed they weren't invited to that party. No, you had to stand outside…in the rain…looking through window….thinking: "……………………I wasn't invited to that party……."

Well this was no party and if it was it sucked. It was too dark, and for all his ranting and raving about darkness, it was really annoying stuff once you had to start floating around aimlessly in it.

Let's fix this mess up shall we.

"Yes…Please….I think my brain's beginning to atrophy from all this blackness."

Okay Xemnas. (Thus said The Goddess.) Because I am an ever benevolent being, I shall grant you your wish.

"Wait…why do you get to be a Goddess?"

Because you got to be the final boss that wouldn't fuckin die! Now shut up and let me work my authoritative magic!

And thus there was light, horribly, excruciatingly painful light, but light none the less, and as it began to cause a nuclear meltdown in his retinas, Xemnas was indeed granted the gift of light by the benevolent Goddess that you all can't see because she's got mad hiding skills like that.

But anyway, more important than the lack of shape of the narrator, was the fact that with the presence of light came the presence of being able to feel things better, equaling being able to feel pain better, and also came the realization that he was lying on some very cold hard surface. Good lord on a stick, if his hairs could hurt they would be, but hair is technically dead cells, so, well, they can't do much in the way of pain.

Wherever this not very comfortable surface was, he became aware that he was lying on his stomach with the side of his face tattooed to what felt like marble flooring. It worried him that he knew what marble flooring felt like without needing to see it, but that would be another thing that the narrator wouldn't be explaining…because she's lazy…and really she has no idea how Xemnas would know something like that. Maybe he'd been one of those creepy interior decorators who knew each kind of floor based on taste alone.

"Alright, I'm not that much of a freak."

Xemnas, you're the only one that can do a Pedo Smile and freak everyone out.

"Oh yeah…that's right huh."

But anyway, moving along as this topic is a little disturbing.

The first attempt at getting to his hands and knees failed, due to crippling pain circumstances, and he dropped back down to the marble floor and instead opened his eyes slowly and decided to take this one brain cell at a time. Second time's a charm, and Xemnas slowly rose to his hands and knees, looking around at the white room he'd been thrown in.

For some reason or another he'd been stripped of his Organization robe turned Zebra stripped madness, and was now wearing a sheer white gown that came just above his knees. Why he was wearing this he didn't know, but the Goddess decided to make things more entertaining, that and guys in starched hospital gowns are the smex.

"I'm a little worried about this now…I'm not even wearing any underwear."

Pfft! Xemnas will be blissfully ignored because Xemnas is totally missing the point of this fanfic!

"...Lord help me."

As internal monologue with the narrator is pushed to the backburner, Xemnas rolled onto his side and tried to keep as little contact with the hard surface beneath him as he could, seeing as every time he touched it he was immediately reminded of what parts of his body were in pain. Hell even his ass hurt! But since the last thing he'd done was died, well, he didn't have to worry about what else could've caused that sort of nether-regional pain.

Rolling over onto his stomach and raising his head to survey the area, all he could see through his tresses of platinum colored hair, was a very large amount of white, which, after his eyes came into focus, happened to be various shades of blue, violet and silver that were just very, very annoyingly lightly colored. There were silver candelabra's standing in a few corners of this room, whose candles had been replaced with incense, incense that gave off a scent that made the room smell curiously like a Hookah lounge, and a few cream colored mats were placed here and there in some sort of pattern.

As he slowly moved one of his very sore, very tired, very achey legs, he felt something rub between the surface of the floor and his skin and reached a hand down to peel off a thin piece of parchment, grunting softly and eyed the spidery writing with the simple message:

You failed at Life. You're Dead. Welcome to Purgatory.

He raised an eyebrow and snorted. My, how thoughtful. I get a little welcome message thingy from whoever for whatever.

Xemnas was just about to crumble up the paper, stick it in his mouth and eat it, just to spite someone up there, or down here, whatever, when his mind registered that he was not alone. There was a foreigner in this room with him, and he had a feeling they weren't the friendly aliens that came in peace. No, this one had a Green Card and they knew how to use it!

He was just in the process of craning his head around and arming himself ala Darth Vadar style, when a very cold very excessively pointy object pressed very slowly against his temple, making the little heartless heart thingy that wasn't there deep within his chest scream and cry and set fire to a small country to get back at the world for placing him in this position.

From out of the corner of his wide golden eyes, he could see the right boot of whoever it was that was looming over him, or away from him, as that boot seemed a little far away if said boot's owner was holding a sword to his head. He assumed it was a sword. Swords had a very distinct feeling when their pressed against your skull.

Well, he decided that he'd rather not stay here with Weird Boot X, so he was going to be on his way, on all fours, towards some corner of the room that wouldn't get him any farther, but would certainly help keep him from sweating so much. Of course, this heavy looking boot must've been attached to a brain, because as soon as he moved, the tip of that sword whizzed by his ear suddenly and Xemnas stared down at the clip of the silver hair that used to be connected to his head, feather slowly down atop his hand.

Something died in him as that same blade came around to just beneath his chin, lifting his head till he was facing the wall opposite him, and then some as the figure to his right began to shift and move around to stand before him, raising his head further up and forcing him to rise to his knees and then back into a seated position on the hard floor.

Well, at least this way he could see what little shit was messing with him…er…much emphasis on the little part, because the figure, man, standing before him was anything but little. Despite his relative freak-outey-ness over his current situation, Xemnas let himself visually take him apart because the readers also need to know why Xemnas is in peril...if the reader's even care.

"They do care!"

I'll bte you 10,000 munny they don't.

"That's so not fair. You don't even exist in my world you little cheat!"

Ha ha! Lawlz at you! So anyway, yes, onto the description.

This crazy man was sporting a pair of boots stopping just below his knees, black pants tucked within them, a very funky, but very interesting to observe, high collared trench coat of red trim and jagged edges, kept closed by a simple silver buckled belt and kept open at the chest where a pair of belts formed an X over his smooth broad chest. He eyed the metallic looking shoulder pads, wondering what was up with people and excessively large shoulder pads, but paid even more attention to the stupidly long sword being pressed against his Adam's apple.

Even in this predicament, he had a hard time focusing on his general peril, and had a much better time undressing this very insane looking man with hair of his own color that was just too long for him to be human. He couldn't possibly be human. The look in that youthful face was one of insanity and insurmountable amounts of strength that only those with too much power possessed, the kind of power your mother warned you about. The power to burn villages and destroy the world! But you know, not like I'm deliberately alluding to anything.

Xemnas actually felt himself shivering slightly as those blue green eyes stared acidly though him, and he felt like he was being visually molested, which he was, because once again, we must remind Xemnas, and our readers, that all he was wearing at the moment was a very thin gown and no underoos!

"Why again am I not wearing underwear?"

And why again is Xemnas asking so many silly questions out loud? You're going to make this nice young man think you're crazy.

Xemnas did more grumbling and the story resumed where it left off.

But this was silly, wasn't he himself just as powerful? Wasn't he the crazy little shit that'd summoned a ginormous Dragon Nobody from out of nowhere and caused everyone in the KH world and the real world so much grief trying to get rid of his ass? Wasn't he all complicated and shit, complicated enough to be split into two people, two fakes, and the focus of two games had been to kill him off? Well…okay fine, so the focus of the second game was to find Sora's little Riku…but still, that little emo boy didn't show up till the end, and he'd had way more screen time than him so there!

Yet even with his own personal history under his belt, yet even with his lack of heart, and even with his lack of emotion due to lack of heart, Xemnas was finding himself insanely afraid of this stranger, not only that, he was also finding himself very intrigued by this stranger.

Nervously, Xemnas swallowed around the sword pressed to his throat, and after a while became rather unnerved as this man was just standing there, all menacing and shit, and looking him over like he was his next piece of steak. Sliding a hand down to cover more of his legs with the flimsy piece of clothing, Xemnas let out a measured growl and twitched an eye.

"Are you going to stand there all day visually molesting me? Or are you going to introduce yourself."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

Quotation marks. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Quotation marks.

"Would you cut that out?! It's rude to stare-nck!" A blade poking further into his throat cut the silver haired Nobody off, and he distinctly felt a bit of blood trickling down his neck and over his collarbone.

The silver haired enigma raised his head slightly, tiling it to one side as a shadow of a frown graced his features for a moment before his eyes narrowed.

"You're eyes are an odd color."

Xemnas stared up at him, a little bit thrown off by that deep voice. He was expecting something a little…younger? But if he had a voice like that, maybe he wasn't so young, maybe like, late 20's or something? But damnit if he was only in his 20's and had a body like that!...Not that he was checking him out or anything. He was significantly more interesting to look at than the white washed room…yeah…that was it.

Then again…Xemnas wasn't that old himself and he had a deep voice as well, but for some reason this man's voice sounded more commanding, not to mention he didn't speak as slowly. Oh hell, his members had been right about him talking so slowly.

"They are not," Xemnas stated firmly, pursing his lips and trying to look down his nose at the man, which was hard to do seeing as he was on the floor. "Besides, your eyes are just as funny as mine." Mr. Person with the big long sword who threatens people he doesn't even know 'cause he's paranoid and has crazy hair and wears leather.

There was a stretch of silence, which Xemnas assumed the other was contemplating his reply, and just when he couldn't take it anymore, the silver haired man dropped his head slightly, face still as blank and evil-crazy looking as it was two hours ago.

"Amber is not a normal eye color. You aren't human."

Xemnas rolled his eyes. "Well anyone with one eye and a brain could've told you that-ah! I mean!" He suddenly found himself at a rather perilous position as the sword suddenly wiped around to press harshly at his jugular. Xemnas saw his life flash before his eyes, which was a little weird seeing as he was already dead.

"Well…of course you would obviously have known I wasn't human. Really, even someone like you could've figured that one out-eck!" Another stab at his neck. Lord he was going to lose 4 pints of blood like this.

"Because, well-kakh!" Neck poke.

"That is you're-ngh!" Shoulder poke.

"You're just so-ah!" Nose poke…….?

After a while, he figured he should just stop talking, but his brain was insistent on setting things right for whatever reason. Xemnas was just going to jump him and stab him later, but the jumping and stabbing needed to happen before this white haired terror plucked his head off with his big shiny sword.

A rather forlorn look crossed over the Nobody's fate as he watched the swordsman's expression darken considerably, and before he could stop himself, said the first thing that came to his mind in a desperate effort to preserve his un-life.

"How…How the heck do you get your hair to do that?"

Confusion riddled the lethal young man's insane crazy face of doom. "My hair?"

"Yes, how do you get it to stick up like that in the front?"

"I don't…." The swordsman trailed off as he raised a hand to rub the gravity defying strands of his hair between the thumb and index finger of the hand not subduing his current victim. "I'm not sure…They just do that." He hadn't really thought about it, but most of the people he knew had gravity defying hair. Maybe it was a sort of associated group gravity defying hair thing they all shared…or maybe it was just that the graphics sucked that they had to do something to make him look interesting. Either way, it baffled him slightly to the point that he-Oh what the crap?! Where'd that damn freak go?!

As the swordsman had been dazing off, figuring out how his hair insisted on screwing with Newton's Laws, Xemnas had managed to scramble away and scamper towards where he thought was a door. However, he didn't get very far when a blur of silver and black cut into his view and he skidded to a halt just before he got a sword through the neck.

"God! Leave me alone! I'm not going to bother you or anything. Now if you'll move I'll be on my way," he said trying to side step but was once again blocked by a dead pan stare and a long pointy object. Xemnas narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Now listen, I'm fairly sure I don't have anything you would want from me, seeing as I'm rather at a loose of possessions, so if you'll just get the hell out of my way!"

Xemnas emphasized the last word by summoning one of his aerial blades and smacking the long sword out of his way, trying to side step around him and was met once more with a blade in the face, which he was forced to parry lest it take off pieces of his nose.

Apparently this man didn't have a big long sword just for show. Not only was Xemnas having a hard time staying out of his reach, but he was also finding it difficult to even get close to him for a strike. That wasn't even counting the excessive amount of speed this man had. But that was alright, he was Xemnas after all and he wasn't the former-leader of a shady organization of cultish people for nothing.

Summoning his other blade, he went after him with a renewed sense of optimism…sort of…and mustered the speed he'd used during his last moments of life. Jumping gracefully over a sword sweep, a struck down expecting to clip his shoulder, but only managed to clip off hair.

He landed and crouched very close to the ground, glad to have done it as a sword whipped by over his head, and he reflexively swung a blade before and behind him, not quite sure where the man was, but hoping to at least clip his foot. He only managed to clip off the end of his coat, much to his irritation, and with a disgruntled cry, he made a series of portals, appearing and disappearing within them, until he managed to come out from the ground beneath the man's feet, propelling himself up and slashed sideways, which, of course, the little shit parried.

However, Xemnas was very surprised that as he'd backed away from him and went to flip over him, the man had somehow ended up behind him, grabbed a hold of his ankle and chucked him at a wall at a speed that probably would've killed him, if he were alive, and if he hadn't pulled a Tifa and landed on his feet on the wall, for a cheesy split second then came back at the man with another downward slash.

This little scuffle went of for a while, each man failing to get the upper hand, and also because the Goddess couldn't think of anymore cool battle moves to put in, she had the mysterious white haired wonder boy catch Xemnas off guard by stabbing savagely at his leg as he scrambled between his legs, giving him just enough time to pin the dark skinned man by the arm, but not enough time to avoid the glowing red blade that stabbed into his shoulder.

The sat their for a moment, or actually, loomed over/loomed under each other, breathing like dying cows and possibly trying to figure out what to do next. Xemnas was a little disgruntled at having his arm pierced through and torn up, but he was a little distracted by the freakishly long white hair pooling around him, enshrouding him in a curtain of shifting spun threads. He suddenly wanted to touch his hair, but there were more important things to worry about, like the blood not staying in his arm and the fact that his leg was randomly spasming and flopping around. That might be a bad thing.

"Who are you?"

"Wha-?" Xemnas blinked suddenly, having been very much into getting himself lost in those bizarrely hued eyes lurking above him with so much authority it might even rival his own glares of doom.

"Who are you?"

"…You want to know who I am and not why I've come here? That's a bit odd."

"I already know why you're here. You're here because you're dead and instead of getting thrown in the furnace you're being given the chance to repent for your sins. I received the same note as you when I came to this place."

"…Well, I suppose that would certainly explain a great many things." Like why he wasn't wearing his robe and instead was given this piece of flimsy clothing. He cringed slightly as the silver haired swordsman shifted his blade a little to the left within the wound, biting back a sharp hiss and instead twitched an eyebrow and gave him a rather displeased look. "By the way, you can get that damn thing out of me now."

"First, I want to know who you are."

"Well, what if I wanted to know who you were first?" He asked, jamming his own blade deeper into the other's shoulder, a slow sadistic smile spreading over his face as those unbreakable features faltered for a moment under that brief pain. Xemnas liked it when they flinched.

"What if I wanted to kill you first?"

"Who do you think would win?"

"I don't know. Would you like to find out?"

Xemnas narrowed his eyes, as did this odd youth looming above him, and as much as he'd liked to have continued the staring contest, there was just something in his eyes that worried him a great deal. Xemnas closed his hand, banishing the blade that'd been imbedded in the swordsman's shoulder and let out a rather disgruntled, defeated sigh.

"My name is Xemnas."

The swordsman didn't respond, but instead remained in his place looming above him, studying him like a vulture studies a potential starvation victim. Perhaps he hadn't heard him. He had said it rather softly, softer than he usually would, but having a sword in your arm sort of drew your focus away from verbal communication.

"Forgive me, perhaps I wasn't loud enough. My name….is Xemnas."

"…"

"My name…is Xemnas…and I'm dead."

"…"

"My name is Xemnas, I'm dead and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hello Xemnas," the man said thoughfully, and for some very unnerving reason, Xemnas had to keep himself from shaking upon hearing his name come from a voice with a near equal tone as his. It was very creepy and very sexy and it was scaring him very much because this was not the time to be thinking about such things.

All too suddenly, he yanked the sword roughly from Xemnas' arm, forcing the startled gasp of pain he'd been hoping for from this strange dark skinned man, and rose up dragging the man up with him by the arm he hadn't stabbed through.

Xemnas flailed for a moment before steadying himself, only to fall over again against the man as he realized his leg was still sort of dead from being stabbed at. He glared irritably up at the white haired evil.

"This," he pointed at his leg. "Is your fault. You know that right? Be a gentleman and carry me since I can't move my dead leg."

"You'll heal soon enough." He dismissed Xemnas and began to walk away, cringing painfully as something yanked sharply at his hair. He whirled around, or at least tried to without falling over with his head pulled back as it was, and eyed the irate looking man clutching a fistful of his hair in one of his hands.

"I'm not healing right now and it hurts. Carry me. Now." Xemnas clenched his fist tighter pulling slightly on the elegant strands of spun silver, making it perfectly clear that if his demands weren't met he had no problems with pulling all his hair out, even if this crazy fool would most likely fillet him.

Despite the fact that he was pretty much juggling with his life and just demanded something from a man who he didn't know, had lost to him in a battle ( in his perspective) and was literally quite vulnerable at the moment, was very amusing to the silver haired swordsman. He already knew this cat wasn't wearing any underwear. He'd suffered the same indecency when he'd been dropped here and had the same conversation with the Goddess/Narrator/Author person figure head. He turned around and stepped closer to Xemnas, narrowed his eyes then cracked an empty crooked smile as he tilted his head to one side

"As you wish, your majesty," came the exaggerated response as he picked him up around his waist and slung him carelessly over his shoulder, ignoring the onslaught of curses and nails scratching at his back.

"By the way, my name is Sephiroth."

"I don't care what your name is! I'm calling you Mud, you evil little shit!"

----

A/N: Blah. Short and crappy. But maybe some person out there doesn't mind this random attempt at a Sephiroth x Xemnas fic

Xemnas: This's an abomination of a fanfic. I think no ones going to read it.

Mille: Nah, I think you're just mad that I paired you up with Sephy.

Xemnas: Well, I'm sure Seph hates it too. Right?

Seph: Eh…I think I'll survive. (Mill promised that he'd get to stabbity Xemnas a lot in this fic.)

Xemnas: oO;;