DISCLAIMER - See end of story.
"Take me in your arms again. Wash me in your eyes. Tie me to the house again. Love me till love dies. Love me till love dies. Blame me for everything. Not just for the bad times. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Just like a dead bird sings. Look into my face again. Between us there's a mile. I can see a hole in the sky. As wide as your smile. It's not that you've gone away. It's that I've never met you. But I wish you'd come back to me. Just like the night turns blue." Babybird, 'Dead Bird Sings'
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Hidden Moments - Dead Bird Sings (1/1)
"I'm wondering which lie to believe." Fox Mulder, EBE
X
"Mulder, the only lie here is the one that you continue to believe." "After all I've seen and experienced I refuse to believe that it's not true." "Because it's easier to believe the lie, isn't it?" "What the Hell did that guy say to you that you believe his story?" "He said the men behind this hoax, behind these lies, gave me this disease to make you believe."
X
Scully's Apartment later that night
Scully stared at a single point on the floor, as she had been doing for the past two hours. Her mind replayed the argument they'd had over and over.
She blamed him.
For her abduction. For Melissa's death. For her cancer. And most of all she blamed him for not seeming to care about it. She blamed him for caring more about his obsession than he did about her.
And that obsession was all for nothing. The last few days had proven that to her.
Was this in their plan too? Had she been meant to fall in love with him? Was this just another manipulation by persons unseen for purposes unknown?
"The bigger the lie…" Scully muttered. "…The more people will believe it." Mulder tagged on; a sarcastic smile apparent even in the tired tone.
Scully's defenses went up automatically. Her hand had gone for her gun - always nearby these days - before she could stop it. She stared at him over the barrel with her finger twitching on the trigger.
And she didn't lower it, even when she realised who it was standing by the far wall.
There was an unholy satisfaction in seeing him beyond the weapon and knowing that she had his life in her hands. His fault… It was *his* fault…
The seconds dragged to minutes as they stood staring at each other as if the moment had been frozen in a pocket of unreality. Mulder held at the point of Scully's gun. At her mercy.
The unshed tears in Mulder's eyes glistened in the dim, fading, light of the day as he watched Scully's cold and unforgiving face over the gun she had leveled on him.
Her finger curled around the trigger.
Scully's harsh and rasping breaths were the only sound in the room. Mulder almost didn't dare breathe. Even at the distance, he could see her thoughts in her eyes. They mirrored his own. It was his fault…
"I'm sorry." Mulder said suddenly, almost surprising himself. The words didn't break the spell of the time-space trap they were caught in.
Scully's fingers adjusted their grip on the gun but she still didn't lower it.
"It's all my fault." He added on softly.
Melissa's death. Her cancer. He knew what was in her head, but still stood with that cold mask on his face. He still wasn't giving anything of himself to her. He never would. He'd come here to convince her again that his beliefs were the correct ones. This was just a prelude to another argument. He would never change, never truly understand that he was a pawn in a hideous game. More people would die if he was allowed to live. More people like Melissa… like Pendrell… like her…
The finger tightened on the trigger, squeezing slowly, but the hands changed their aim before the bullet left the gun. The sharp report of the weapon bit the air and shattered the tense atmosphere.
Mulder spun around to stare in shock at the bullet hole in the wall barely an inch to the left of his head. A part of him had wanted her to shoot - to take the choice out of his hands - but he had never dreamt she would actually do it.
Scully collapsed into a heap on the couch. Damn her foolish heart for stopping her.
Mulder turned back to Scully and saw her lying in a scrunched up ball. He was immediately scared for her and began to walk towards the prone figure. He must have made a sound which alerted her and he physically jumped back when Scully sat up sharply. In a reflex action she had the gun trained on him yet again but it didn't have the strength of purpose of the moment before.
This time Mulder didn't stand frozen, instead he began to walk towards her. Scully moved the gun as he moved, keeping it trained at his head. Her effort was half-hearted at best and soon he was standing towering over her vulnerable position on the couch. Then Mulder just lifted the gun out of her hands with no effort at all and threw it aside before sinking to his knees next to her.
Scully hung her head. "Why couldn't I just shoot you?" She complained weakly past her hair. "Because it's not me you wanna kill." He replied. She looked at him through the hanging red strands. "You wanted me to shoot you." She stated. That small part of Mulder admitted to the truth of her words but, since she already knew that, he felt there was no need to say it. "I'm glad you didn't." He remarked sarcastically instead, then his face turned serious. "but…I'd rather you killed me than they did." "If you applied the same reasoning to me…" Scully began tiredly. "Then I'd have to kill you." He answered flatly and met her widening eyes. "Except that I already have, haven't I? You're dying because of me."
Scully couldn't answer that statement.
"I promised you that Melissa's death was for something but I'm just not sure anymore. And Pendrell's… even Queequag's."
To her horror, as she watched, his eyes over-flowed with tears.
"I'm sorry Scully. I convinced myself that if you died it would be for *something*" He wept. "For the truth." He paused and drew a shaky, tear filled breath. "I'm sorry."
He wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. Scully could find no words. She didn't hug him back. Her eyes were wide but stared at nothing. It felt so good to be in his arms but she'd been here before and it had meant nothing to him then. Why should things be different now?
<"Nothing else matters to me."> Why hadn't she listened then?
His hands stroked her back and he rocked them both but Scully put up all her defenses.
"I don't want you to die." He said into her hair. "You're the only reality I know." "And what about *me*?" Scully demanded coldly as she pulled back out of his arms. "What do you think I want?"
Mulder looked her balefully. "I..I..?" He stuttered. "Exactly." Scully cut in dryly. "You!! It's always about you Mulder." She stood up from the couch and left him there. "You've managed to make all the decisions about my life for the last *four years*," She turned to face the wall. "But you never seem to care about the havoc you've caused. I'm sick of it." She sighed. "I'm sick of trailing after you like a puppy that prefers to be kicked by it's master rather than be without him."
"I don't know what to say apart from 'I'm sorry'. It's not enough but…"
"You know," Scully cut him off, despite the fact that she was addressing the wall. "Everything seemed so simple when I was young,"
The sudden and unexpected thought of Eddie Van Blunht entered Mulder's head. It stunned him into reacting by shutting his mouth and listening for a change.
Scully continued talking. "I thought that all I had to do was fall in love and everything else would slot into place like a giant jigsaw puzzle that led to instant and lasting happiness." "I thought you were a tomboy when you were little?" Mulder questioned with a slight smile. Scully smiled but didn't turn back. "I was, but even a tomboy wakes up one day and finds that they're female, with all the hopes and dreams that every woman has." "What do you dream of Dana?" He asked softly.
Scully's blood froze in her veins. Her mind rebelled. Him using her name was a cheap trick, it told her, it was all part of the psychologists repertoire he used to get what he wanted out of whoever he was working on. She didn't like it when he turned it on her. It made her feel like a lab rat and they were other people who had already made her feel like one of those unfortunate experimental creatures. She turned to face him with anger in her expression but the emotion came to a crashing stop when she saw him.
Mulder was sitting with his elbows propped on his knees and his head resting on his hands. He was staring at the floor with a tired slump to his shoulders that made Scully's heart melt in spite of herself. The dreams of the woman beat the tomboy back into submission again.
Mulder looked up when she didn't speak and was startled to find her standing looking at him with an intense expression that held an emotion that he couldn't seem to place. Their eyes locked for a long moment.
"What do you dream of?" He asked again. "I used to dream of falling in love, getting married and having children." She replied flatly. "But now you don't…" He responded.
I am in love, she thought painfully, and little happiness it's brought me.
"No children now." She answered out loud without realising how much pain came through in the statement. "Not much of anything." "You *are* still alive." He said gently but Scully sneered. "Mulder, this isn't living!" She stated with a wide sweep of her arms. "I've lived with your obsession only to see *my* dreams get shattered. Where's the life in that?" She sighed and looked away.
A tense silence reigned for a long moment. Then Scully lifted her head and eyed Mulder curiously. "What do you dream of Mulder?" She asked. "I only have nightmares." Mulder answered. "That's not an answer. There must be something you dream about, something you want." "You know what I want." He said seriously. "I want Samantha back." "Then what?" Scully pressed. "Huh?" He didn't understand her question. "Is it just because she's not around that you want her back…? And don't give me all that about wanting the truth. That's not what I'm asking you." Scully added quickly and Mulder thought seriously for a moment. "I guess it's about family." He replied at length. "I lost my sister and my parents as if they'd all just disappeared together one night." He looked at her intensely. "I envy you your family." "You could have gotten married and started a family of your own by now." She pointed out. Mulder just shook his head. "Once maybe. There's was a time when I thought that Phoebe was the one, but… " He shut off abruptly, turning away.
Scully sat down heavily onto the chair opposite the couch. Her head was pounding but Mulder was actually talking to her and little else seemed to matter right now. "But what…?" She prompted unwilling to let him close up on her again. Mulder smiled wryly at her. "Phoebe isn't the marrying kind." He stated, then paused for a deep breath. "Not like you." "I don't think I am. I'd be married by now if I was." Scully lied quietly. "I'm sorry." He said sincerely. Scully faked a laugh. "Mulder, not everything is your fault. It just seems that way sometimes." "This afternoon you seemed to think it was." Mulder replied. "When you believed that man over everything we've seen in the last four years."
There was real bitterness in the tone and it upset Scully.
"And after all this time you *still* can't see it my way." She told him with no small amount of bitterness of her own. She stood up and turned her back on him. "You've hurt me Scully." He stood up too and strode over to stand behind her. "You've turned your back on all our work and believed someone who tried to kill you over the evidence of your own eyes!"
Scully spun around to face him.
"I wanted to hurt you Mulder." She said harshly. "I wanted to make you see how much I've been hurting." She turned away again and when she spoke it was very softly. "Just tell me Mulder, do I mean anything to you? Anything at all?"
"You need to ask?" Mulder ground out roughly.
Scully turned back with tears in her eyes and nodded. "Yes." She answered past tight lips.
Mulder swallowed with difficulty. "After everything we've shared…?" He choked out. "Sex and death is all we've shared Mulder. I'm asking how you feel about me?" Scully's voice broke on the last few words. "Just sex Scully?" Mulder asked bitterly. "I gave you everything I was capable of giving… I never promised… " "I know." She cut in. "Nothing else matters to you. Just Samantha." "Once it was just her… now it's about the survival of our species Scully, why can't you understand…? Why can't you believe that…?" He was practically begging, emotion making his voice strained.
"I did believe." Scully told the floor quietly.
"What?" Mulder demanded incredulously. "For a long time I did believe." She met his eyes. "Then why do you believe Krichsgau now?" "You already had my answer to that." "Scully," He began on a tired breath. "You told me that I found it easier to believe their lies..." "Mul..." She tried to cut in. "No let me finish." He interrupted. "It's not easy to believe Scully, but who said the truth should be easy to believe." "Just words.." Scully said shaking her head. "No." He insisted. "Scully you find easier to believe their lies because you want to blame me." "Mul…" "And it *is* my fault, but not the way they've made it sound to you." He gripped her shoulders and made her look at him. "Please don't give in to their lies Dana." "Mulder I'm tired. I can't fight anymore, not for the sake of something I don't believe in."
He let go of her and turned away. Tension and hurt showed in the set of his back muscles. "Then you really think that they gave you this disease just to make me believe in aliens." "I don't know…yes." She stammered uncharacteristically. "Well, which? You don't know or yes?" Mulder demanded, still facing away from her. "Yes." She said firmly. "I believe it."
He spun back sharply with his eyes glittering dangerously. "Then please explain the sense of it to me, because I can't even understand it!" He exclaimed emotionally. "If they keep everyone distracted with the search for extra terrestrials, then they can carry on with their own secret political and military agenda without scrutiny. They created you Mulder, in the psychological sense. They've set you up so that they can manipulate people through you." "Scully that's bullshit!" Mulder exclaimed angrily. "They get away with having those secret agendas because people like you are prepared to listen to their lies and doubt the evidence of their own eyes." He sneered at her. "You're their creation Scully, not me. They made you spy on me, experimented on you and now they've made you doubt and hate me." He took a steadying breath. "Worse than that, they've made you doubt yourself."
Scully turned away from his intense eyes but knew that she could never lose the memory of them. "Mulder, this is getting us nowhere." She sighed. "I'm just so tired."
Mulder stepped up behind her and put his arms around her waist, hugging her into his chest. Scully closed her eyes and stayed there. "You deserve someone to love you the way you should be loved, but I'm incapable of giving you what you need." He said softly into her hair. "I gave you all I could. It's not enough, but I thought you knew how I felt about you." "I don't know." She said softly. "I love you." He answered.
Scully sighed deeply. "That's all I need to believe." She told him as she turned to face him. "Come to bed with me Mulder. I need to be a part of you of tonight. I need to know that we're together in this."
Mulder smiled as he remembered those being the very words he'd used that night in The Andrews Motel in Craiger, Maryland. Their one night out of time; on the run from their own lives as well as the dark forces trying to cover up their evil schemes. He remembered her answer too and now he repeated it to her.
"We're definitely together in this." He told her as he bent his head to kiss her.
X
When Scully woke up she wasn't altogether surprised to find that Mulder wasn't there. The note on the pillow next to her head was neatly and deliberately folded but the handwriting that spelt her name - Dana - was scruffy and uneven.
She sat up in the bed, tucking the sheets around her naked body, and unfolded it with trepidation, knowing full well that it's contents were about to change her world.
Scully read the long letter with an emotionless countenance. She didn't make a sound. She didn't dare breathe.
So that was that.
She climbed out of bed, still clutching the letter, and went into the living room. She placed the letter onto the couch and went across to the fireplace. With swift but calm movements, Scully lit the fire.
Soon a bright blaze was making the apartment hot, but the sheen of perspiration across Scully's forehead had little to do with the fire's heat and little to do with the tiredness the cancer induced in her body.
She retrieved the letter from the couch.
After only a short hesitation, Scully threw the piece of paper into the flames. They consumed it utterly in a matter of moments.
Destroying evidence.
Scully sat down on the couch and watched the flickering flames as they danced. Her face remained blank. Her thoughts focused on tomorrow.
The past was gone, the future was set and Dana Scully knew what she had to do.
X
Mulder's Apartment
Mulder let the tears fall unchecked from his eyes. The light from the TV cast uncomplimentary shadow patterns across his face. The words droned on and on until they became a meaningless blur.
For the first time he saw them for what they were… He thought of Scully. Of the note he'd left her.
The past was gone, the future was set and Fox Mulder knew what he had to do.
X
Scully's Apartment the next morning
Scully sat frozen still on the couch in her darkened apartment. The fire had long since died and taken all traces of Mulder's note with it.
No tears fell on her face. She'd used them all up last night. Dana Scully would never cry again.
The phone rang as she'd known it would. It was already lying beside her on the couch instead of sitting on the table as it usually did.
"Scully." She answered it without a trace of emotion.
X
"Early this morning I got a call from the police asking me to come to Agent Mulder's apartment."
Scully said in a faltering tear choked voice to the committee later that day.
"The detective asked me… he needed me to identify a body." She broke off painfully.
"Agent Scully…?" Blevins asked when she said nothing for a long moment.
When the words began again they came in a rush.
"Agent Mulder died late last night from an apparent self inflicted gunshot wound to the head."
X
Her heels tapped eerily on the hard stone floor of the corridor. The staccato rhythm containing all the potency of a human heart beat. Scully had perfected keeping an icy mask in place that would repel anyone trying to ask questions but inside she sighed deeply. Her stomach churned with the tension caused what she had just done.
If they believed that pack of lies then they were even more gullible than Mulder.
TO BE CONTINUED BY THOSE BETTER THAN I…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "For I will give you the words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death….By standing firm you will gain life." Luke, 21:15
Thanks for reading.
DON'T FORGET THE DISCLAIMER! It is out of respect that I put this disclaimer stating that The X Files are the property of Chris Carter. I find it no hardship to do so. I would hope that other writers would grant me the same respect if an idea of mine grew to the same proportions as The X Files. This disclaimer cannot prevent litigation against me, which is okay because that's not why I put it here. Respect must go where it's due. I hope that anyone who reads this understands it's meaning but, whether you do or don't, please feel free to write to me about it. This is not a justification for some of the actions committed by people on Chris Carter's behalf in the suppression of free speech.
The song title is copyrighted to Babybird & their record company.
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