Sonic fans across the nation are shaking their fists to the sky: Sonic Boom is literally trash.
The game has no extent to its unbearable playability. The characters run unfathomably slow, the graphics look better for a PlayStation 2, and Knuckles can fly, fly, and fly until the sky rendering rate is incapable to compensate for the height he reaches. How could this game be so terrible? Who would say that this game was ready to publish? Who beta tested this rubbish?
The inside story has been controversial; no one knows exactly what happened in that beta testing room. Only two testers were selected to test play the game: Mike Brown and Darren Wilson of Ferguson, Missouri. The two were left alone in the testing room and were given ten hours to play the game, no breaks. A single security camera was active during their testing, but the tapes have been wiped. Wilson refuses to say what occurred while testing, but one person is able to find the truth. President Barrack Obama has a secret power that he can use to look back into time and see what really happened in that first trial of Sonic Boom.
"President Obama!" a reporter shouted out.
"Yes, my child?" the commander-in-chief responded.
"The nation is in turmoil over the monstrosity of Sonic Boom. What can you tell us about Betagate?"
Obama paused. He did not know if the nation was ready for the truth. With his finger rubbing his chin and a low hum coming from his lips, he looked into the reporters eyes.
Obama stuck out his hands, "If you want to see the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, hold my hands."
The reporter was hesitant. If he holds hands with another dude, everyone will think he is gay! He could not afford that on his sick street cred, but he also really needed this story. This breakthrough story would finally get him the amount of money he needed to buy a the limited time only McRib sandwich from McDonalds. He loved McRibs. He loved McRibs more than he loved his own mother. He would sell his mother to marauders for just half, no, a quarter of a McRib.
"Well are you going to hold them or not?" Obama shook his hands in front of the reporter. The reporter sighed and latched onto the president of the United States.
"Alright, now what is going to happen?" The reporter spouted those words as Obama's eyes lit up with white light. A ring of energy spun around the two men with their hands locked together. Obama had been hiding his true form from his constituents. President Barrack Obama was the last avatar.
A flash of bright light flashed almost blinding the reporter. He lifted his hands up to rub his eyes. After the regained his vision, he saw that they were not on the street they once were, and the president's guards were absent. The reporter took notice to his surroundings. They were in what seemed to be a security room. The room was dimly lit with a single humming light on the ceiling. The gray walls did not improve the visuals of the room. The back wall had book cases with black tapes sticking out of gray cases. The front wall was covered in television monitors showing various rooms of the building they were in. Two vacant chairs sat in front of the monitors. Obama sat on one of the typical office chairs and pointed for the reporter to sit.
"We have gone back in time to the incident," Obama said bluntly.
"Back in time? Very funny, Obama. That is impossible," said the reporter.
Obama ignored the ignorant reporter and flicked some switches on the dashboard of the security monitors. For a moment, all the screens went blank, but then they all formed into one big image stretched over all the screens. It was a testing room with the word SEGA above the testing television. Three men walked into the room. Obama turned up the speakers so the sound was audible.
"I'm very glad you two decided to test out our new hit: Sonic Boom," the man in a dress shirt and tie said.
"Well, I could really use some cash," said one of the testers wearing a red hoodie matching the color of his snapback.
"Yeah, same here, buddy. The force hasn't given me a raise since 2010," the man wearing a blue collared shirt and jeans said.
The reporter turned to Obama, "Hold on a minute. Is this the Sonic Boom beta testing event that caused the-"
Obama shushed the reporter and point to the screen.
"So, the TV is all set up for you to start the game. Here are two checklists for you to mark. If you see a problem in the game, just check the box the error matches to," said the researcher.
The two testers nodded and sat on the couch. The young boy wearing his hat took the Wii U Gamepad Accessory in his hands and started the game menu. The menu blared the title theme and shocks both testers.
"Man that is awful! I will mark it down under sound errors. By the way, my name is Darren. It is nice to meet you, old sport," Darren reached out his hand to shake the other tester.
"Call me Mike," Mike stuck out his hand into a fist and fist-bumped that handshake.
Darren looked confusingly at his testing companion, but focused more on marking down the errors of the game.
"So, here is my idea," Darren began, "You can play for the first part of the game, and I will mark down any errors I see, then we switch roles. Sound good?"
"You got it, chief," Mike replied and started a new story on campaign mode.
The game's introduction cut scene started and the testers saw Sonic trapped in a circle of enemies. Sonics quills were so sharp and crisp, yet soft and realistic. The testers were amazed at the detail the designers put into the game. The texture on the ruin floor Sonic was standing on was perfectly rendered, and the sky line was endlessly filled with more assets to add even greater depth to the game's scenery. The cut scene of Sonic's death played, and his friends, along with the testers, called out to him.
"I can't believe Sonic the Hedgehog is dead," Darren shed a single tear, "We will avenge you Sonic!"
The game screen turned black. Some white texted flashed on the screen reading "Two days earlier…" The testers were on the edge of their seats. They had to avenge Sonic, and save the day like they have in other Sonic games. Mike was thrown into a speed chase starring Sonic, his friends, and the evil Dr. Eggman. He got his hands ready to do some quick time running, and quick time running did he do. Mike caressed the analog stick aggressively yet still soft enough to allow the perfect amount of movement. Mike swayed to and fro as Sonic ran, the two of them dodging the evil doctors attacks.
"This game is amazing! The speed is so realistic, and it flows so nicely!" Darren said. "I will definitely mark that down in my notes."
"Yeah, this is crazy good! I am so looking forward to the next levels," Mike agreed with Darren and they high-fived amazingly.
"I don't get it, Obama," the reporter said, "this game looks nothing like the one that was released. What happened?"
"Just wait, my child," Obama said as he placed his soft hands on the reporter's shoulder. "The truth will soon be revealed onto you."
Mike could not look away from the screen. The game's immersive powers had captivated Mike. The game's graphics were so wonderfully designed; it was practically like looking at the ancient Babylonian gardens. Mike could not help himself from exploring every single section of the level in order to see the amazing detail and care put into the programming. Mike would switch to each character and see what areas he could get into exclusively.
"Sonic Boom is the magnum opus of gaming," Mike proudly stated.
Darren, eating a sandwich at the time, nodded his head and muttered, "Oh yeah, this is going to be the hottest game for 2014. I'll write that down." Darren scribbled notes onto his checklist while some of the mustard from his sandwich fell out on the paper.
In an attempt to not have more mustard spill out of the sandwich onto the paper, he moved his sandwich-holding hand toward Mike. Mike did not see the sandwich and accidentally hit it out of Darren's hand. The sandwich flew across the testing room's carpeted floor and hit the Wii U console directly. Sparks flew from the console and electric whines sounded. Darren and Mike looked at each other, and then at the console, and then at each other, and then at the console, and then at each other (but this time Darren had a sombrero on and a fake mustache), and then one last time at the console.
The console made a high pitched buzz and the game pad lit up in white. Mike felt a force pulling him toward the gamepad he was holding. The gamepad was absorbing his being. He was being sucked into the game!
"Darren! The gamepad is pulling me in! You have to help me!" At this point, Mike was half way into the gamepad. Darren grabbed his arm and tried to pull him from the void, but it was no use.
"The power is too strong! I can't help you," Darren was holding back tears. How could this be happening? It was all the mustard's fault!
"Darren, listen to me. This game is amazing, but I cannot live in a game for the rest of my life. I have dreams. I want to graduate high school, I want to be a part of society, I want to find love, but the force is too strong. SEGA will try to cover up my disappearance, and you need to play along. Send the notes that say the game is great, and I will make it awful in the source code. I will destroy this game and try to escape it, but you must remain quiet. They will kill you if you tell the public the truth about what happened. Farewell, Darren. Never forget me," Mike let go of Darren's hand and was absorbed into the void.
"I will avenge you Mike Brown," Darren said, with a single tear running down his cheek. "I will avenge you!"
The screens shut off in the security room. The reporter had tears in his eyes.
"Darren Wilson did nothing wrong. He was just doing what Mike asked of him. And, Sonic Boom isn't trash! It was a fantastic game, but Mike Brown is breaking it in order to escape!" the reporter said triumphantly.
"Yes, young one, you are correct," Obama said, "But you must not let this information get out; the safety of Darren Wilson in of the upmost importance."
"I understand. I am just glad I have the true story. Let's go back to our time. Oh, but before we go, what is your favorite holiday."
"That is an easy one. My favorite holiday is September 11th."