Orion, a digimon fanfic

Orion

notes: Melissa aka novemberRain19 wrote a wonderful companion fic to this, its called "Goodnight, Stargazer" I suggest you go read it.

If I try really hard, I can still remember a perfect word.

In reality, it was an ignorant world; or rather I was ignorant of the world. A sick, sad place it turned out to be. Maybe that's why I love it. Yeah, I love the world. I love the way I choke on the stench of toxic fumes every time I look out my bedroom window. Almost like when I inhale the even more deadly smoke I crave when I can't have it, just because I can't have it. I love way I'm discussed at the filth that sticks to my shoes when I walk the streets, even though Most likely it's the same trash I threw there the day before. The world pleases me with the pace my life is wasting away at right before my eyes, but most of all, I love the hate. Yea, I hate the world.

Back when I was smaller, everything was perfect, I felt lucky to have such a wonderful storybook family. I wondered about the other kids, the ones whose families were all ready torn apart. I never though anything was wrong at home; of course mom and dad would displine me, sometimes even hit me (but not very hard). For the most part though, I was content in the ignorance of my own stupidity, but then I was only a child.

The thing is, I didn't realize just how much of an alcoholic my father was. How depressed my mother was. I didn't understand that my mother lied to us when my brother and I walked in on her trying to kill herself, and she told us she was trying to scrap something off the bathroom sink and had slipped. I didn't remember when we got molested while she was in the hospital with stitched up arms. But apparently it happened. Whether I found out by being told later on, or remembered and the reality of the situation finally hit, I really am not sure. Its strange, there are pieces of my life missing in my memory, a lot of stuff is like it was just erased.

I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Then I grew up. It was then I became one of the kids with a broken family, living the storybook no more. Now I'm just hardened to the world, jaded.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I feel like I'm going to explode any minute, but I can still control very well the emotions that are in front of the mask, and that's why I can't break, why I broke so often, and why'd I break when I know I didn't break.

My mother always criticises me for my shell. She tells me I can go wallow in my own anger and hatred because it's my choice to keep everything inside, to let no one in. It is my choice, it's the way I want it, why can't she see that? She tells me I'm miserable, but she doesn't see, that's the way I want it. In some sick, twisted way I want to be miserable. It makes me feel real. That drove her away.

My deep-rooted anger drove Takeru away to, and I was left all alone. It seemed there was nothing left to love, and hate was the only option left for me.

That's what got me in shit, I hate everything. So much anger, I sometimes wonder if I'm the one who doesn't realize. Realize what? I don't even know, and that frustrates me more. I just want to die. The white edged scares that trace a pattern down my arms say that much. They tell a story ya know. They start out faded and smaller, where you can only see them if you look hard enough. Then there are slightly larger, deeper ones. On the top are the most recent, these ones trace a long deep line, thick with a promise never to heal. They tell a history, but there is no detail. A long, hard story, but that's all, they don't tell anything else. That's the point though, no one ever knows the details. I've done a pretty good job of making sure of that.

The anger is what also got me kicked out of my house. I remember the day my mom sent me away. The bus ride was so long.

That's when I met him, and he destroyed my shell.

I often wonder why it was him I could open up to, and no one else. He was my only friend in the world then, and it was like we had always known each other.

I think back to that night at my dads place, I had felt so alone. There was no one in the world for me. Outside pratically drowing in my own torment, I had ventured to the edge of the balcony, and looked up at the stars. Having just moved from the city, I hadn't seen them in a long time. He came outside and stayed out there to look at the stars with me. So it was him whom I spoke to. I told him how much I loved the stars, and how much I missed them. For some reason, he seemed to understand.

Yea, I was actually understood. It felt to me like we were the only two people in the world.

That was the beginning.

I can't believe how much we'd talk. We'd stay up all night talking until seven in the morning. It was ether each other's company or the alcohol always in our systems that kept us talking for that long, and I'm betting on the former.

I trusted him with just about everything. I even let him take the stitches out of my arm that were there because I cut myself to deep one night. He was the only one I let see my wrists, as I always covered them with long sleeved shirts.

I didn't hate that town as much as I had hated my life in the city. At least I could see the stars, there wasn't as many lights to block them out. The best part was I could watch them until they faded into the horizon as the sun came up. I don't believe I ever watched that happen without him by my side, sometimes holding me.

I never let anyone hold me but him. It didn't even matter that he was a guy ether, that kind of stuff didn't matter to us. What did matter though, is that he also had a girl friend.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you

To a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

It took me awhile to come to terms with there fact that I feel in love with him.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

It wasn't much of a surprise that I fell in love with him, after all he broke my shell.

That was my day of destruction. I'd lost it all. All except the pain that is never ending, that grips my mind with an iron claw. It has been a part of me for so long. It has gradually became the spine of my world ... like he did. That was the day it all came crashing down. The hatred and anger that offered me comfort like nothing else ever had, it started to come apart. Because of him.

I took a vow of silence, never to say a word, tell a soul. I can't keep it from him though. He proved to be the angel in my hell.So beautiful. And I sit here, thinking of nothing but him. he consumes my every thought. I want it all back. The pain, the anger, the agony of before, I want it all back. because he brings is to me as well, a thousand times more. I love him so much, but I can't have him.

I kept is secret for so long.

I remember this one time, during one of our long early morning drunken talks. We started to talk about the stars, as we some times did. We talked about the constellations, and he told me his favourite was Orion. Apparently, Orions belt was a common place for shooting stars. He told me to keep looking untill I saw one. But every time I looked away, he'd see one and I'd miss it. I never got to see one with him.

There's another memory I remember vividly as well.

He had just come back from dropping his girlfriend home after we had had a party at my dads (my dad was away that week), and by then most everyone had already gone home. He and I were smashed as per usual, and I came down stairs to find him lying on the couch in a stupor. I sat down beside him, and asked were him where had been because I couldn't remember seeing him all night. I was just to drunk to remember much previous to that. "Well I'm right here" he said, and motioned for me to hug him. I did, and as I bent down his lips brushed mine, and he seized me in a kiss. I looked at him dumbfounded, and informed him he had just kissed me. "So?" I shrugged in response to that, bending forward again to kiss him back.

Then we just kept on kissing.

He confessed he "had wanted to kiss me for so long". It was my fantasy I'd played over again in my head coming true. We moved to the bathroom, got a bit to hot and heavy, eventually ending up naked.

But he had his morals, and we had to stop because the guilt he had about cheating on his girlfriend.

So instead we talked until seven in the morning about how deeply we were in love with each other.

But he loved his girlfriend more, because he made us promise we'd never tell anybody and he wasn't willing to break up with her for me.

So I had to go back to loving him from afar.

Maybe I've been here before

I know this room, I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

love is not a victory march

Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

I think its safe to say that since moving to my dad's I had developed a drinking problem, because it was again when drunk that I let it slip to someone that swore they would keep it a secret about what we did that night.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

They didn't keep it a secret.

My dad was furious.

For one I think because we were both guys, and second because he was involved with someone else and my dad didn't agree with his betrayal to her. He wasn't welcomed to my house anymore.

So we grew distant, and he hated me for telling and for jeopardizing his relationship. She never found out though, no one told her. We never had one of those long talks into the wee hours of the morning again.

I had to watch the stars melt into the sunrise alone after that.

There was a time you'd let me know

What's real and going on below

But now you never show it to me do you?

Remember when I moved in you?

The holy dark was moving too

And every breath we drew was hallelujah

It was one of those nights that I was watching the stars by myself that I looked to Orion. It happened to fast, but sure enough I saw a shooting star at his belt.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I thought of him, and how much I missed him.

We did still talk, once in a while but I never told him about seeing the shooting star.

It was like we were supposed to figure out how to love or something.

Now I stand in the shadowed shadows of a forgotten corner, yearning for the gentle flow so feverishly worked for, in a pathetic attempt to mean something ...

what luck ...

Being noticed only in a fragment of shame that was brought on by hoping ... hoping for change ...

love is a lie ...

I've learned Its all just a game you can't win and if you think for one second its worth something you're a damn fool. Can't see the grass greener on the other side because in reality its not, they'd just like you to think that.

Because it's all just a damn lie.

And when we were young we'd never have fathomed such a thing could happen

But we're not young anymore are we.

I couldn't stand the way I was treated by my dad after that, so I moved.

I moved far away.

We barely talk anymore, and I know hes still with her. She never found out, obviously never will. He'll probably marry her, and live happily ever after. At least one of us will.

He has permantly damaged my shell, a scar he's left me with so that every time I look at Orion instead of anger or hate I feel sadness. With my shell I could never feel that.

Some people love many people in their lifetime. For me, I only had so much love to give and he used it all up, and I'll never be the same because of it.

Maybe there's a God above

And all I ever learned from love

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

Its not a cry you can hear at night

Its not somebody who's seen the light

Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

I used to dream of finding someone I could share with the kinds of things I shared with him. Now I look back and realize that I can't look forward to that anymore because it already happened. I'm not prepared to give myself to anyone again the way I gave my heart and soul to him.

I know I'm going to be alone forever.

But after all, that's what I wanted right? Just to be miserable.

Well at least now I can go back to doing that.

Maybe I'll see him again some time, but I wouldn't count on it.

I'll just have to settle for looking for the shooting stars by orions belt.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

- Hunter /2003