Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter, but what can you do…

Yes, I'm back and raring to go. I've been whinged at constantly to start the 3rd instalment of Moanings… so here you are….

Oh, and I apologise if the humour gets a little bit more black during this book.

Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Three

Of all that is holy

Dumbledore has just called a staff meeting to announce our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I, of course, applied for the job but Dumbledore obviously believes my strengths lie in the Potions department. But you will never guess who he's given the job to. That steaming pile of horse manure that is Remus Lupin. Or should that be wolf manure? He was in the same year as me at Hogwarts, along with Potty Senior and Sirius-look-at-my-amazing-flying-bike-Black.

And that's another thing. Sirius-look-at-my-amazing-flying-bike-Black has escaped from Azkaban. But I'm not scared; after all he was the one that got caught eh?

But Lupin? He's barmy. He certainly doesn't qualify to teach. And he's dangerous. He's a…. WEREWOLF! I lie not. And Dumbledore (the barmy old git) has employed him at a SCHOOL!

"Severus. May I SPEAK with you in my office for a MOMENT?" No, you stupid old fart. I don't want to speak with you. In fact I don't want to be in the same room as you. You would rather employ a werewolf over a normal wizard? And Lupin especially? Why don't you just invite one of Hagrid's creatures to rip the students to shreds, would give me a bit of sport at least.

"Of course Headmaster." So we went to his office and Fawkes sat and glared at me like usual. I think it has something to do with pulling those feathers out last year…

"I am hoping for your COOPERATION concerning Remus Lupin's situation." Smile over the glasses, glance at Fawkes. You won't be able to keep this one under your hat Dumbledore, no matter how big the hat is.

"Headmaster. I must contest your decision to employ a werewolf at Hogwarts."

"YES Severus. But Remus is a VERY experienced teacher and his condition will only IMPACT on his teaching every full moon." Condition? He grows fur, very long teeth and drools everywhere. I call that slightly more serious than a condition.

"And if he gets into the castle on a full moon and kills a student?" Ooo, he could kill Potter. Employing a werewolf has its up sides.

"I need YOU to make a Wolfsbane potion for him. If you would be willing." You're avoiding the question Dumbledore.

"Of course. But I am not happy with this arrangement." I got no answer to that, so I left to come and prepare my lessons. The students are back here in a few days and I haven't bothered to prepare anything for them. Spontaneous is my middle name.

Potty potty Potter…

…. Has no backbone! Malfoy has just come skipping (yes, he was actually skipping with the hilarity of it) into the Great Hall. Apparently Dementors came onto the train and Potter fainted. And it seems all the teachers knew this apart from me, which is typical. The Sorting is starting, where's Potter and Granger? Probably getting checked out by Poppy, she's seeing if they still have their dignity intact.

Lupin is sitting a bit down the table from me; he looks like a tramp that's been sat at the same bus stop for three months. Absolutely disgusting. I hope Dumbledore is worried. I hope Dumbledore is panicking. I hope it goes wrong. Please.

Potty and Granger have arrived, Dumbledore's standing up to do his speech, pompous old turnip. He's talking about Dementors; apparently they're stationed around Hogwarts because of Potty, wants to kill him because of Voldemort. Potty isn't doing very well this year is he, not even inside the castle five minutes and a Dementor has tried to kiss him (not as pleasant as it sounds), Lupin may become deranged and kill him, the man who killed his parents has escaped from Azkaban and wants to kill him and Dumbledore seems blissfully happy to let him sit there and stuff his face with food. And who am I to argue with the Headmaster?

Ew, there's Pumpkin Juice in my goblet. Oh, that's disgusting. And why's Potter staring at me. What? Why can't you just leave me alone? Why is everyone clapping? Ah, we're 'welcoming' Lupin. Yes, let's all welcome the Werewolf into our happy community. Hagrid is the new Care of Magical Creatures teacher as well, a stupid job for an even stupider teacher. Figures.

Look at them all

Stuffing their faces like they haven't been fed since they left in July. It's repulsive, it really is. And what possesses Weasley to pile his meal so high on his plate? It must just end up tasting the same. The behaviour of some of these students really does amuse me. Flitwick is trying to talk to me, while balancing on his high stool. Why do I get sat next to the short-arse? Why can't Summer holidays be longer?