Title: Belong
Author: Nalana
Rating: PG/PG-13 for a few small swears and general angsting
Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, character reflection
Pairing: Jack/Doc (at least one sided) , I suppose doc/rose reflection…some slight Ianto/Jackness.
Summary: Jack returns to his normal self upon returning to Torchwood until one event makes him collapse and reveal what's behind the carefully crafted shell and what is concealed beneath. Ianto PoV
Spoilers: Speculation for end of new!who season/series 3.
It's been six months since he came back to us, a sad smile on his face. Regardless of mood not being encouraging, it was the truest emotion we had seen cross him. From the moment he returned he resumed his duties at the drop of a hat. Gwen had tried her best to interrogate him about his previous whereabouts to no luck. The rest of us knew better.
Slowly Jack returned to his normal flirtatious self. I wasn't the only one who felt irritated by the façade he placed back up as a shield. Something had gotten to him, but he hid it away. He resumed life in an easy flow and continued until times turned.
Toshiko had been the first to realize he no longer had the hand he prized more then all. It was gone, replaced by a cell phone he previously hadn't had. The object replaced the severed appendage.
After missions we pulled through by the skin of our teeth was when we'd see him falter. When Jack made mistakes, he is still only human, for the briefest of moments we saw the shock. Despite the prying of the more brash members of our team and my own gentle prodding we couldn't crack open the shell he had formed. I suppose I should have been careful with what I wished for.
One particular failure to save the remnants of a race that had been using more harmful gases in our atmosphere to fuel up before their final relocation had been a thin string for Jack. The ship, improperly equipped, had exploded leaving dangerous toxins in a small town. They had managed to contain the danger but at the cost of many lives including those of the aliens.
The main branch had come down on us hard. We were relatively left alone. But when we slipped up there was no excuse. They had accused Jack of delaying quarantine to let someone have time to escape without detection from them. I never caught a name but the fury in Jack's retort left us all shaken. His depression that following night was heart wrenching.
Owen, Gwen, and Tosh had all left for the night. I lingered in order to offer a shoulder. Toshiko once asked me how I could let Jack 'use' me the way I did. That was a simple question. I was using him just as much.
I've never been good at being comforted. I always wanted to be the one helping, lending my protection and service. While our dear Captain Jack might be steel to the public eye, I've seen the truth in these tortured nights. By letting him breathe I maintain a sense of comfort and control for myself. And what's the harm in letting someone mooch of you a bit if they need it? It certainly keeps me away from feeling lonely myself.
Jack sat at his desk among several relics, most from the Second World War, scattered around him. In his hand he held that phone he had brought back with him. His gaze was piercing, almost daring it to ring and willing his fingers to dial. He didn't move. He simply stared with a longing and hollow feeling I've not seen before and am not likely to again. It was the look of a man who had lost all hope.
"I found him." He said to the air, probably to me though I suspect he wouldn't be able to hold looking up at me.
"Who?" I ask gingerly only to receive a rough chuckle bordering on sarcastic tones.
"My Doctor. Except." he paused," He wasn't my doctor. I don't suspect that he ever was in the first place."
"So much fear was in his eyes. And disgust. He couldn't bare to look at me and when he eventually did it was with a face of loathing." Jack relinquished. "He wouldn't say it, but I could hear it. Why him? Why does he get to be here and not her, why not her? Why did she have to leave? It plagues him like my nightmares do me."
"I never thought much of my actions. I'd pick up someone one night then discard them the next day. What did it matter? That's all they were looking for. I never expected to be wanted for anything else." He continued.
Crossing the space between us I knelt down so that I was on level with his sitting. Raising a comforting hand to the back of his neck I kneaded gently, muttering words about life always throwing us curve balls. It didn't seem to help much.
"For just a moment I though I had found a place to belong. I didn't feel like I needed any of the physical shit I had gone after my whole life. Sure I teased about it but… they filled something within me nothing else could." His eyes glazed as his jaw tightened.
"I should have died. I should have died almost a century and a half ago. I should have been granted a death then meant something. But no. I guess I've done too much to earn that." He reached for a half emptied glass of scotch. "Instead I became this monster."
"I'm a creature that the most brilliant being this universe has ever known is terrified of. He learned to mask it quickly enough, but I could feel it in the air. I can never belong there again. I'm wrong. I'm wrong for the universe." For the first time he turned to look at me.
"Where am I supposed to fit in? I wasn't supposed to exist past that moment, he was right. I've tried, so long, to help from here, make the best of this curse. What's the point of even trying if I can never belong to any place, thing, one?"
"Eternal life sounds like such a gift. At first I thought it was, I thought that no matter what I could live to one day find that gap filled again. Or if not that, if I could have only seen his eyes smile at me again…But now…" His voice fails him and for all my answers and obedience I can't give him any answer to console him.