1
Some times Castiel really hated himself. Like when he stuttered through an entire presentation in front of the Faculty of Deans. Or when he made up excuse after excuse to avoid going out to a bar with his room mates instead of explaining that he has extreme social anxiety. But right now, here in this very moment, he hated himself for his weak will. It was a Saturday night where for once he didn't have papers due on Monday morning and instead of going out with his friends, if they could be considered friends, he was laying on his bathroom floor puking his guts out.
It was his final year of his degree and he couldn't even tell you what the inside of the college bar looked like. He hated going anywhere that people might look at him. And because he had inherited his father's rugged good looks people always looked. Castiel wished he had been born a little plainer, maybe then he wouldn't have to avoid both men and women who wanted to take him home. He even tried to make himself less appealing, leaving his black hair messy all the time and dressing in large oversized clothes that made him look like he was starving.
"Yes Castiel, complain about the horrors of being attractive." he sighed to himself as he washed his face in the sink. He wouldn't dare glance in the mirror, he knew that seeing himself would bring on more puking. Even his own body hated him.
"Castiel? Are you ok?" came the soft voice of his co-ed room mate Jo. She was the only one in this whole place who Cas considered himself comfortable around. Maybe because she was just so nice to him.
"Yeah, I'm good Jo. I thought you were out with Benny and Victor?" he asked through the bathroom door.
"I was. But I'm back now." she said and when he opened the door to come out she was looking up at him with concern. Castiel was almost 6 foot so she actually had to crane her neck.
"You were worried about me." Cas said giving her a stern look.
"Of course I was worried about you. You seemed like you were actually going to come this time. And then all of a sudden you're running to the bathroom while telling us to go on ahead." she said following him to his bedroom. Cas flopped down on his bed and covered his eyes with his arm.
"Come on Cas, talk to me. I know you, you can trust me." she said softly sitting next to him and running her hand softly through his hair. This was a recent development for Castiel, he had never been comfortable with other people touching him but with Jo it was comforting. He knew he loved her and that made him uncomfortable as well. Even if it was a plutonic love.
"I'm just so tired Jo." he said moving his arm and looking into that open face of hers. God she was beautiful. And nice, and caring, and funny…
"I think we should call your therapist again." she said gently so as not to spook him. It had only be recent development that Cas had told her about his life long therapy sessions to try and deal with his many psychological problems.
"Its too late, I don't want to bother Missouri." he said shaking his head. Jo's lips thinned with concern but she didn't say anything.
"She said any time Cas, even late." she reminded him.
"I have a session in the morning, I'm sure it'll be fine." he said and rolled onto his side away from her. Jo knew that meant the conversation was over so she got up.
"I'm here if you need me Cas." she said at his doorway.
"Thank you Jo." he said to the wall.