E U L O G Y o f a l o n e l y H E A R T

Disclaimer: Squall Leonheart and Cloud are property of Square Enix. I jut borrowed them for angst XD
a/n: First Squall x Cloud fic as well as my first serious one. Written to various lines from the song Eulogy by Hello Kelly.

The problem with your smile is that it's gone

The Gunblader ran his fingers over the stone ledge, looking down over where his comrade had once paced, knowing the man's thoughts had been laced with murder. That had never bothered him though, not when they would escape into an ally way. Even though it was dark he could see the gentle smile on those soft lips. The former commander had never been one to admire a smile but, that man's smile had been like a drug and now he couldn't get his fix.

And all your laughter will have to wait till after

Squall sighed and bent his head down, eyes shut as he turned his back to the square. He lived from one stolen moment to the next. The thrill of keeping the secret, the butterflies that filled him every time he thought he heard footsteps. He had never felt more like a schoolboy harbouring a crush in his life then when he was with that man. His lover would always laugh at him when he'd glance towards the main way. Not a laugh of mockery, no, one of a tender understanding and a relation. His gentle laugh always made the brunet's knees weak and the butterflies breed.

And the problem with your clothes is that they're off. They're folded nicely and packed up tightly.

He lifted a hand and rubbed the side of his neck, trying to rub off the feeling of the former SOLDIER's breath on his skin. That hot breath, escaping the younger man's lips in soft pants as they'd wrestle for dominance as their clothes would, almost magically, come from their bodies. Not to this day did Squall know weather or not he had won those personal tournaments or if the man had simply toyed with him then accepted the intimacy. There were no games now and the only souvenir he had left was a turtle necked sweater that rested on the pillow beside him every night; folded, as if Cloud himself had laid it out, setting it out to change into after he came from the shower. It still smelt of him.

But time is burning, I am learning just cause your gone doesn't mean your gone

He pushed off from the stone wall and walked towards the Borough, not looking back at the empty square. He had watched the man pace so many times, not talking, just watching him. Examining how his expression would change with each idea that dawned upon him or how, with the slightest frown, Squall would know that the man had realised his plan would never avail…but he couldn't see that face anymore. Cloud was gone. Squall didn't even know if he was alive, even though Tifa had said many times that he was. The point was that Cloud, in all of his physical being, was gone. Gone forever, it seemed. Squall could feel him though. Every night he could feel the warm body curled against him, the slight weight of Cloud's head on his shoulder and how those surprisingly feather soft blond spikes would tickle his skin every night.

Now that this is over I guess it's my turn to be strong

It wasn't long before Leon passed under the stone archway and into the Borough, treading the familiar path to his home just around the corner form Merlin's house. Every time Squall walked home he swore to the gods he could still hear Cloud's soft footsteps next to him. They had rarely spoke on these walks home. They didn't need to; words were trivial in their relationship. Squall lifted his hand and pressed in his key code, unlocking his door. Slamming the door behind himself and barely listening for the beep to tell him it was locked again, Leonheart made his way to the bathroom, flipping the light on to see his grotty self in the mirror. Even after splashing his face he still looked like he had just been bashed around by some heartless. Deciding he was his own lost cause, Squall flipped the light off and headed off to bed.

As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take

Now the Gunblader wasn't one to put his fate, or even confide his aspirations, in another's hands but he was desperate. Desperate to see Cloud again, even if it was only for a moment and in a last attempt, Squall would shut his eyes every night and stand by his bedside, praying to whatever God was listening to bring Cloud back. Of course he had no luck so far and of course Squall blamed himself. His pride made it impossible to kneel for he would kneel to no man, beat or God. Lowering yourself before another was a sign of submission and defeat. Well, perhaps it was a lie that he had not kneeled before. Leon had kneeled to Cloud, keeled and was openly subservient to him. So there he stood, right by the bed hoping someone was listening.

I want this, I need this, I'm helpless without this

Squall looked to the neatly made bed. Not even a wrinkle was in the plain blue comforter. Cloud loved blue. He lifted his chin and took in a shaky breath. He couldn't sleep in this bed. He hadn't slept in this bed. Not since Cloud had left to finally take on his arch foe. Damn him! He turned and punched the wall, leaving an indentation next to the others, telling the story of his bedtime rituals. Leon's eyes clamped shut as he put his forehead to the neutral coloured wall. He hit his fist against the wall once more before he put his back to it, head leaned back against it. His eyes and throat burned with the want, the need to cry and vent it out.

And the problem with your eyes is that they still shine

He slid down the wall, crouching in a near ball as he held his head; knuckles white as he dug his nails into his own scalp and for the first time…tears fell. They escaped the corner of his eyes, no matter how tight he had them shut, then slid down his cheek, curving and dipping under his chin a bit before dropping to fall upon his leather pants or the floor. He sucked in a sharp and choking breath. Squall felt himself losing control and falling. The sobs grew louder and more frequent as his whole body heaved and he lost his balance, falling forwards onto his hands and knees.

'Why did you leave me? Why did you leave, Cloud?! What did I do!?' He cried, tears flowing like hurricane now. He opened his grey eyes; they glittered even in the dim light rushing in through the drawn curtains.

It was then he knew he was going crazy as he swore he saw Cloud sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling gently down at him and speaking in that soft tone of his.

'Get up Squall, I thought you were stronger then this? I'll be back. Stop crying. It doesn't look good on you…'

The brunet just stared wide eyed at where he had seen the hallucination. He didn't want to blink, knowing he would disappear when he did but it stung now…it stung like hell. He blinked and then desperately hoped that he was still there, even if the blond was just an illusion. As it was to be expected he wasn't and Leon was alone once more in the room (not that there had ever been anyone else there with him). But, even though he was alone he swore he could still feel the intensity of his eyes veering down upon him and the deep sapphire gently watching over him. The man sucked in a raspy breath once more and looked at the window, the curtain breathing softly in accordance to the breeze. Slowly, he rose to his feet, legs shaking and feeling queasy, he stood up straight, chin lifted and the pride trickled back into his eyes. With one last shaking breath Squall Leonheart turned and left the room, shutting the door gently behind himself as to not wake any sleeping memories.

'I'm waiting for you, Cloud.' Squall laid down on the couch, tugging the blanket up over his shoulders and tucking his feet under, eyes shutting.