Scared Witless and Back in the World

By: Unfortunate

Disclaimer: Verily disclaimed

Summary: In this short piece composed by Remus Lupin he relives all his friends and what they mean to him. The odd grammar and run-on sentences are intentional. The definition of friends by James Potter, What Makes Remus Happy, and no proper ending included. Enjoy.

We made a world for us to live in. We left out all the pain and the fear of the outside world and we made it peaceful. We were the pillars of it, the things that kept the roof up and the walls standing and the rest of reality out. But, the building fell leaving me hurt and in reality. And this story is about you, whichever part of you you may be....

I'm terrified of being around you sometimes. You make me feel things I never wanted to feel, things that should have remained inside the romance novels and horror stories they came from. You make me feel envy, passion, and sometimes wanting. Mostly though, I'm just terrified at the thought of you.

You're larger then life, Sirius Black, an idol. Bigger then Jesus himself sometimes, I think. Bigger then the whole world and yet so overcome by everything. That's the mind-blowing part of it though, that you were always the one who could be so open about everything while I couldn't. But it turns out that you were more closed off then I could ever be.

That's the jealous part, you know: wanting to be you. When we were younger I used to think of myself as a part of you, an extension of the majesty that just wasn't as overwhelming, and so a bit more humanized. But, when we got older and the seasons changed to summer and you shone... I realized I wasn't you.

I wasn't in the same league as you.

-I can remember you on lying near the bank of the lake, skipping rocks and pebbles, with a group of people egging you on. I remember hearing the rocks splash over the surface. People were talking about music; their voices a low murmur completely drown out by the barking of your laughter that seemed so rich in the warm soupy air. Closing my eyes and looking at the sun. Hearing the rocks skip: one, two, three, splash. Feeling the air of an August day like a shroud of peace, lying thickly. And you, plopping down beside me on the wilting grass, and I swear I could feel your smile-

Living a legend they call it. We could get away with anything back then, even murder. I suppose if I asked you you'd say, -of course we could get away with anything. we were the marauders, man- as if that just ended everything.

You know that feeling when you've just made a perfect potion or taken a ride on the best broom in the world? We were living that. Time was for other people, rules were for other people, and we had it all stretched out before us. I don't think we were quite fourteen.

-moony, what are we going to do when we're done with school-

At the time we all thought we were going to extend the legend. The world was ready for the taking, people were moving to our tune. Our band: the Marauders. You're crooning a ribald love song on a pink microphone, swaying back and forth with your eyes closed, James is on the guitar besides you winking at an angry blushing Lily Evans and having underwear flung at his head, a cheesy smile plastered across his happy-go-lucky face, Peter is on the drums beating away a consistent rhythm and no one remembers his name, and I'm on the piano making people sigh with feelings they don't know the names for, that aren't in the dictionary, and matching my melody to your swaying but missing the beat slightly, because your movements aren't ever steady.

That's our band.

And I close my eyes are you melt into James.

James, you never knew how admired you could be, a Boy Scout classic, with untidy hair, always willing to help out a friend. You were always the loved one, the one who everybody knew. Sirius was too big, I was too introverted, and Peter was too mediocre. I think you knew it too, and your ego proved it.

I think you were my first friend. I didn't know what a friend was back then, but you came up and confused me with your smiles and said –hey, do you want to be my friend- and I became flustered because I didn't know what you were talking about. You explained it like this: -a friend is a person who...well... if you died, let's say...they'd be at your funeral-. I'll remember that forever.

So we were friends from then on. Then stand-offish and snobby Sirius finally let us into his world, and we joined it. I think it was then that you two became the closest, and I became the tag-along. Constantly battling over the power of being alpha in the group, and yet growing closer then brothers.

Yet, sometime during second year you noticed our pudgy pink shadow, and you asked him the same question you asked me and he said yes. You made him your pet project. So then we were four. The order in the pack was leveled, and we rose to new heights.

At fourteen we were living in a new reality, beyond the touch of change or human pettiness.

But, we grew older, and everyone else's reality interrupted us every once in awhile, sometimes permanently...

I'll never forget the look on your face when you realized Lily Evans was a girl.

-sirius, will you stop being such an exhibitionist, i swear you get worse every year. You were laughing as Sirius bowed. and remus, watch wear you are putting that... hello! hey sirius, was that... evans? she's...-

You were unusually quiet during that train trip. And that year- fifth?- you teased and hit on an increasingly furious Lily Evans incessantly. You were a bit of a stalker really, and Sirius and I found it hilarious. Peter was too much in awe of you to join in.

God that was beautiful.

What you two had... no one in the world could be that in love... no one was that perfect together... no one was as destined... no one was as straight out of a sitcom...

I remember the love/hate you used to have, the pain in your voice when you saw her happy without you, but I can never remember not knowing that you were in love with her. Even as a first year, when we'd have those cutesy school dances, you'd always ask Lily after much heartache and deliberation, only to be told that it was too late, someone had already asked. But, there were always girls in love with you to fall back upon, until you just stopped falling back. And, after so much falling alone, Lily finally reached out and caught you.

It didn't change our group much, and your first loyalty always was melted between Lily and us anyways. –if a friend is a person who'd be at your funeral, what is a girlfriend like?- I asked. You thought about it for a second, before leaning your face on the palms of your hands and staring out of the window at the Forbidden Forest. Then, a sappy smile planted itself on your face. –for me,- you said with a breathy voice –lily evans is a girlfriend- I looked at you then, fully realizing then how much you loved her that I could smell the love oozing out of you, even if she hated you. And I asked you what a girlfriend was for other people who didn't have Lilies to love. I'd asked because you always knew how to describe things on such a candid level that I could understand in with my senses alone, and my senses were always my best feature. –for other people- you mused.

-for other people is a hard question, remus. see, for sirius, girlfriends are toys which he uses, breaks, and buys a new one. for peter, they are untouchables. for that one blonde hufflepuff they are not of interest, because he likes boys. for snape, they are things that make him miserable because nobody ever wants a slimy git. and, for you remus, i think they are a thing of interest, but a passive interest, because you feel that nobody likes a werewolf, and you know that your friends love you more then anyone ever could-

You see how well you understood me? You always knew things, even when I, with all my heightened senses, could not. Being in your company was like living in paradise because life paled besides our world.

I could taste the devotion we had for each other. It was so comforting knowing that there were people who would die for you and you would be happy to die for. People that would show up at your funeral and never cry, because you can't cry at your own funeral, which is what it would be. But we were so sure that we'd never die, weren't we, James? Bad things didn't happen to people who were just sixteen.

Close my eyes and you become Peter.

You were one of us by default. It never seemed to matter until you got down to loyalties, in which you didn't owe to the Marauders like Sirius, James, and I did but to each of us as a person.

James for taking you in and making you part of us.

Me for being kind to you, helping you, making you feel welcome and whole.

Sirius for giving you experiences that would make you feel alive.

Peter, you were the solding bead of our gang. You were the only one who never was in conflict, who was accepted at face value. You were the one who fit in with us, but never really belonged. You were the runt, you were the younger brother. And we cared for you and were your friends.

-hey pete, you want help with that essay?- you'd nod timidly and all three of us would come over and argue over the answers. Eventually, your paper would become so full of contradictions and random tangents that the teachers thought you were schizophrenic, to have so many personalities. Sirius would turn red as you would blink in confusion and finally throw his hands up dramatically and storm off. You'd look nervous and upset but James would set a hand on your shoulder. I'd be the next to walk off, yawning and stumbling to bed. Sirius would roll his eyes and we'd talk. James would leave soon after I did and you'd finish with a triumphant smile. We'd be talking when you got back in the dorm, and you'd listen to us, making confused comments sometimes.

You were the only Marauder who grew apart when James and Lily stared to be JamesandLily. James didn't have time for his pet project anymore, Sirius didn't have time for the ordinary, he was too busy being an icon, and I was too busy being part of Sirius and school for bumbling you.

-I can remember you on graduation day, standing by the old tree we used to sit by and hugging your shoulders. Something was wrong, and I was going to ask you about it, but James was proposing. I forgot you. Sirius distracted me afterwards with his vitality and so I forgot about you-

Peter, you were never underappreciated, there just wasn't enough of you to appreciate.

And I close my eyes are your pudgy face forms into Lily's clever, pretty one.

Lily, you and I are kindred spirits. Remember the study groups and the jokes we used to tell each other. We'd laugh until we cried, hugging our ribs and smiling to each other. We knew how to study and liked school. We enjoyed nature.

I can remember walking with you in your crazed period.

-You skipped ahead and twirled. Snow sprayed out from your feet. I laughed a great puff of breath. You giggled. It was snowing in a Christmas way, with great fat flakes falling from a vortex of the sky. Your cheeks were red and your hair spread as you twirled like a crimson halo framing your pale face. I was conscious of your every movement and very aware of why James was in love with you. You closed your beautiful eyes and stuck out your tongue, catching snow. I hummed a Christmas carol and you started to sing out loud. God Lily, you were too infallible to possibly be human. You decided to do something unexpected and you tackled me. I fell with an oomph in the snow and you rolled off. You made a snow angel and I couldn't help but think how fitting. We ran up to the castle with blue lips and snow falling out of your trademark red hair-

We knew each other so well that my being a werewolf didn't faze you at all. You blinked, and said –how terrible for you. sorry, remus- and hugged me. I have happier then I had been in a long time.

Even though you weren't a Marauder we were soul mates in a way. You were as much a piece of our fabricated world as anything. You and James understood me in a way that no one else did because Sirius made me understand and Peter never got me at all.

You were the only flawless thing in my universe, Lily, and I was your friend, never doubt it.

My eyes close and you face melts into that of my own.

I open my eyes.

-All of us standing in Godric's Hollow kitchen dancing and laughing- disbelief at James and Lily's death- Sirius going to prison for killing Peter and betraying Lily and James to Voldemort and my feeling of end- being rejected in all jobs until Dumbledore- my class staring eagerly at me- sitting alone in my room- going to Grimmauld Place and living in Sirius again, back with my idol- crying as Sirius, the undefeatable one, dies at the clutches of a piece of drapery- living painfully alone, wishing fearing for my dead best friend's son-

And I'm just so scared in this reality.

I went to all of their funerals, sometimes twice, like in Peter's case.

I can remember all of them so clearly, and yet...