Disclaimer:I do not own the Nintendo Wars series in any way,shape, or form. I am,however, hot shit with a TabbyTank.

Big Dumb Animal

Summary:Gage faces his toughest adversary yet. Based on the cow scene after C26.

POV:First Person – Gage

This is ridiculous. The war is over, the battles are done, the need for guns and tanks are no more. This town, New Hope, is now a haven for any survivors of the meteors. Everyone had their place here, whether it was growing crops, making sure the town was running properly, or just playing around in the fields with that crazy girl who speaks of booms and the cost of sandwiches. This is not where I thought I would end up,though.

I could've been part of the town's security against raiders or something, but now I am reduced to...

-Flashback,10 minutes ago-

"Alright then." Lin does a good job of running this place, but shes still strict, and some...no, most of the civilians are still scared of her. She was giving everyone a briefing of today's tasks. "Now Will, you'll go check on the crop fields." Figures, the civilians like him. "Isabella...I think your sister lost her Mr.Bear. You better help her find it." What, third time this week? "And Gage..." Her somewhat cold stare was now directed to me. "You have to milk cows." Waaaait...

"Uhh...mind saying that again, sir?"

"You're milking cows. You know, those animals that have a ballsack with nipples all over it that squirt out milk?" That was a traumatic description, at the least.

"I...uhhh...ummmmm..."

"C'mon Gage, you'll have fun! I mean, if you're into that kinda stuff...maybe your future girlfriend will like it, I dunno."

"Tasha."

"Hm?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"And Tasha, you get the day off." Lin's demeanor remained unchanged, but there was a glint in her eyes that suggested she's enjoying my suffering.

"SCHWEET! Haha, see ya later, Gage!" And with that, the Goddess of Revenge walked out the tent like a freaking model on a catwalk. At that moment, a bucket and a pair of gloves where shoved in my face.

"You'll be needing these." was all she said before pushing me out the tent.

-End Flashback-

Now here I am, in front of the New Hope Dairy Farm. I kicked open the door. Some hay flew out and assaulted my face. Shoving it off, there it was. Staring at me with those dull, black eyes. Mooooooo. It was almost like a battle cry. Just calm down...all it is is a...oh God, why did she have to describe it like THAT? So that thing there squirts out milk? A trained soldier, not knowing how to get milk out of a cow. Wonderful. I've seen things on TV shows, I guess I'll try each method one by one.

There was probably a good reason why Lin gave me gloves. I remember a guy sticking his hand in a cow's...hole. I was 12, and my mom smacked me for watching it, so I didn't get far enough to remember if that's how it happened, but it's worth a shot. I placed the bucket under it's..uhhh...thingy, and proceeded with the task at hand. I'm sure this is how it works. Stick hand in butt, first reaction is to be shocked then squirt milk, I'm sure that's it.

How retarded I was.

It kicked me in a place no man wants to get kicked. Damnit, this is more dangerous than any tank I've seen. With bruised balls, I limp outside to a crazed Tasha, laughing like the nutsy woman she was.

"Ahahaha, wow Gage, I saw everything. For one thing, you suck at milking cows. Two, is she gonna be your wife?" I was not in the mood for this. "Fine, little boy, lemme show you how it's done."

She yanked the bucket from me and set it under the...ewwwww, I don't know what to call that thing.

"You don't need gloves?" Not sure she'd want it, they're kinda covered in...cow shit?

"Pfft, gloves are for pansies!" I flinched at that. "Awwww, did I hurt poor babie Gagie's pwide?" She was taunting me with that infantile voice. Damn it.

"I AM NOT A PANSY, YOU FRIGGAN SKANK!!" Oh damn, I think half the town heard that. She had just gotten a full bucket of milk. I didn't even see that. "How the hell did you...?"

"At least the skank knows how to milk a cow.", she mused. Tch. She then took the bucket, and then proceeded to walk out. "Let's get this back to Lin." I nodded. "This was your job though...so..." She dumped the bucket of milk all over the floor. "I can't wait to see how you deal with this.", the skank said with a smirk. She ran out giggling like that crazy boom girl out in the fields. I, at this point, was pissed. I took the bucket and did what I was trained to do...

A great battle later, the bucket was now filled with milk again. A beaten and unconscious cow lay to the side of the dairy farm. It took a while to figure out how to get the milk out, and now my pansy gloves were soiled. There was a note outside the door and about 25 more buckets.

Gage,

Don't think you only had to take care of one bucket. We need enough for all of New Hope.

-Lin

This blows.

About 2 hours later, I got every single one filled, and now an unconscious Tasha lay outside the building...NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED! She...umm...tried to knock some buckets over so I beat her up with one...Yes, that's what happened!...her milk would taste sour anyways, I'm betting. Lin was coming this way, so I threw Tasha's limp body aside, out of sight, out of mind. She thanked me for the work and she called civilians to carry the milk pails back into town.

I decided to just wander around the outskirts of town. A few hours ago, the first rays of light peeked in through the atmosphere ever since the meteors hit. A beautiful sight, after about 2 or 3 years of total blackness in the sky. I just went up and returned to the dining hall, I was starving.

As I came through the door, there were stares and a a pissed-looking Lin directed at me. I stared at the tables, everyone seemed to have a steak dinner, I wondered where it could've come from, there's no source of meat for miles, and I'm PRETTY sure no one here went to cannibalism.

"I have a few questions to ask you." I nodded.

"Shoot."

"First, we had some complaints of sour milk. What happened?"

"Ummm..."

"Where's Tasha?"

"Well, you could answer question 1 with that..." About half the civilians caught on, wide-eyed, and threw up.

"I see...would you happen to know where we got a steak dinner?"

"Oh!" It was Isabella. "Will found a dead cow in the dairy farm, so I just wanted to make a nice dinner for everyone!", she said with a smile on her face.

"Gage..."

"Yes sir?"

"That was our only cow..."

"I see...what a day..." I blacked out. At that moment, a naked Tasha emerged into the dining hall, groggy and disoriented. Now everyone was staring at her.

"Enjoy your milk, everyone?" Half the crowd threw up. She obviously didn't understand.

"Gage did get the job done,right?"

"You could say that.", said a very amused Lin.

The Moral:Never let an emo with a visible chest, ponytail, and sniper rifle milk cows. You end up with sour milk, a naked Lazurian Lieutenant, and a questionable steak dinner cooked by the cloned daughter of a clone of a clone of a clone of a...whatever, she's still hot.

Afterthoughts:This is one messed up story, that's all I gotta say.

Okay, Gage gets kinda out of character, but I tried.