The Monsters

By Katianna

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Genre: ANGST!!

Pairing: Shal/Jesse (just for Rain coz she asked so nicely)

Disclaimer: I don't own the recognisable characters or situations, they belong to Tribune Entertainment and the rest, but I do own the storyline and writing. I'm not making any money out of this writing, I do it just for fun. (which shows you how messed up a person I am)

AN: Quite often I find peeps asking for background on my fics. I don't intend to give any in this particular case. It's going to start here and work forwards. I'll give some bits and pieces away, but prally not enough to satisfy you vultures ;) Just so you know.

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"And you become a monster, so the monsters will not break you."

U2, Peace on Earth

'There is nothing.' She whispered to herself. 'Nothing nothing nothing.' And she wished it were true, wished she could believe it as his weight collapsed on top of her, panting a wheezing after his exertion. 'Nothing Nothing Nothing.' She sobbed as he stood and left, closing the door behind him. The floor was cold beneath her bare skin, the restraints tight on her wrists, rubbing to the bone.

Something deep within her wanted to pull out of the despair, to rattle at her chains, to shake at her restraints, to scream her anger to the room and all that could hear her beyond that.

But the puppet's strings had been cut, unable to do much more that scratch and shift under the hands of the others; and screaming only brought the Fist, or worse, the Knife. So she would lay and wait until the next time the Fist or the Knife or the Dick got bored and then she would resume her chant. 'There is nothing. There is nothing.'

"Adam, please."

"No Emma. I can't give you any more. You've already had more than is good for you. If you still can't sleep then more sedative isn't going to help. Try warm milk." Emma sighed and slipped into a seat as Adam continued to bustle around the lab.

"Milk makes me dream. I don't want to dream Adam." She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Have you been having nightmares again?" He stopped bustling and turned so that he could talk to Emma properly.

"It's the same one, Adam. Always the same one. I can't help but wonder" Adam sighed and turned away again.

"She's dead Emma. You saw her yourself. You can't keep torturing yourself with possibilities. Your mind is providing the dreams because you don't feel you can be sure."

"But we can't be sure. We couldn't bring her home. What if she is still alive and I really am getting hits off her."

"Why would they have healed her Emma? What would they stand to gain? By your description of her injuries it would have taken a lot to save her. No Emma, it's been a month now, you have to let her go before you drive yourself mad with this." He bit his lip, turning to hide the tears that were welling in his eyes.

"Adam?" He composed himself to turn back to her.

"What?"

"When was the last time you slept?" She didn't allow him time to answer, standing and walking out of the lab.

She found herself wandering Sanctuary aimlessly, not quite sure exactly where she wanted to go, nor what she wanted to do. Finding herself in the kitchen she picked up an apple, playing with it for a while before putting it back in the bowl uneaten and moving on. She picked up a pencil and pad as she headed out into the main hall to take a seat by the meditation pool. She had found on these restless nights, when the sedatives in her blood stream pulled at her to sleep, but something else held her in the land of the waking, something would find itself flowing out of her hand, whether it was a letter, a story or a poem. Tonight she found a sketch appearing, soft strokes of the pencil giving the paper person a soft chin, strong jaw, dark eyes, flowing hair She paused and took her pencil off of the paper to look at what she'd drawn. It was Shalimar, there was no doubt about that. She added a twist to the mouth, forming it into a wicked grin.

Tears pulling at the backs of her eyes she blinked to push them away, opening her mind to the world around her as she had done so many times before. "Shalimar. Shalimar, please, I'm looking for you." She appealed, holding the picture tight in her hand, tears beginning to fall. She never expected an answer

It was the Knife. She recognised his footsteps even before he laughed at her side. The Knife had always been the worst of the three, the others could be ignored to a certain extent and the noises they made blocked out by loud enough chanting in her mind. But the Knife was different. It was the Knife's work that had made her weak and nearly helpless in their captivity, the metal at the back of her neck that tapped and rattled on the cold floor when she shifted and rubbed harshly if she slept in the wrong position.

Today it seemed, he was interested in her face. It was strange; he seemed to leave her face for times when he was especially happy or excited about something, like it was a treat for him. There were fewer neatly stitched lines on her face than on any other part of her body.

He stroked the pads of his thumbs across her eye-lids, laughing again as she flinched away from him. She had long since learned that it was better to keep her eyes shut during sessions with the Knife, blood in her eyes with no way to wipe it out was agony. But after a while in the three's care she had decided it would be better to keep them shut permanently. She felt safer in the darkness, and she felt she might go mad with the same four walls looking back at her in their relentless silence. A recent session with the fist had left her with her face so swollen she thought she might never open her eyes again and something within her cried out at the thought. Another thing taken from her.

She lay still.

The Knife used a swab - as always - to clean the area he would work on, leaving her face cold and tingling. She wondered if this was why he was worse - the care he took over giving her pain. All wondering was abandoned as the scalpel bit into her skin, shallow at first and then deeper, a neat score down the side of her cheek. Ending high, only just below her eye. 'NOTHING' She screamed in her head, realising the she was following his every move, feeling every movement of the thin knife in his hands, in her cheek. Normally she could block out at least a little of what he was doing. She didn't risk shouting out loud though, he was too close to her eye for that and she was terrified he might slip. 'NothingNothingNothing.' He was being gentle tonight, slow. She wondered what he was carving into her face, what new mark she bore. She had given up thinking about what scars she would have if she ever escaped or was rescued. She couldn't even remember why she had held such hope in the first place. It was obvious no one was coming, and she knew she would never escape as she was - she couldn't even crawl.

They had released her from her bindings once, to laugh as she writhed around on the floor. It had lost its appeal for them after a while. The Dick had complained that she wriggled too much so they had chained her back up.

She wondered for a moment why she was so distracted today - normally it took all her concentration to ignore the Knife. Today there seemed to be something else, or maybe she was just becoming less sensitive to him. Maybe she was slipping away

"ADAM!" Jesse's call started Adam out of his half-daze and he stood from his desk, righting the test-tube he had knocked over as he did so.

"What is it Jesse?" He asked as the panicked molecular sprinted into the lab. He looked tired, Adam noted. But then they all were these days. Shalimar had always been the one to provide their energy. Jesse seemed to be suffering from her loss more than the others though. He had withdrawn into himself, getting out of group activities by claiming a headache, sleeping late and eating little.

"It's Emma. Brennan's with her. It looks like she's having some kind of seizure." He explained, fighting for breath.

By the time Adam reached the mediation pool, Emma was crammed into the corner of the room, quaking from head to toe while Brennan lay unconscious nearby.

"Emma?" Jesse asked, moving quickly to the woman's side.

"Don't." She warned, voice shaking as much as her body was, holding out a hand as if to ward him off as he approached. Adam moved to Brennan's side to help him sit as he came to.

"What was that for?" Brennan demanded of Emma as soon as he was upright, hand to his forehead.

"I'm sorry. You scared me."

"So you blasted me!?" He asked, incredulous.

"Brennan." Adam chastised. "What happened Emma? Jesse said he thought you might be having a seizure." She half-laughed half-sobbed, not sure if the news she had was good or bad.

"I found Shalimar."

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