The Death of Alex Sterling

by EVA-01 Beta

For all those out there who can't even stand the existance of Sterling, enjoy. Those of you who actually like The Zeroth Child's Saga, stay away and be very afraid.

Neon Genesis Evangelion:
The Zeroth Child's Saga:
The Massively Psychotic, Completely

Idiotic, Totally Off-Subject,

Unexpected, Depression-Induced

End

(A.K.A.: Death To Uber Sterling!)

*WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS OF THIS STORY, AS THIS ONE IS THE FIRST THAT I PERSONALLY DEFINE AS TOTAL SHIT.*

Author's Notes:
1. I in no way wish to even admit that I wrote this, but I have given up any hope of this story or this character becoming anything more than total shit to you. You may begin celebrations right… about… now.
2. This stupidity has been produced in an inevitably vain attempt to at least entertain a group of more than five (A.K.A.: appeal to the masses.) I hope all you sick (sons of) bitches who have dreamed and drooled for this day are happy. If you are lost be this, then, "…Take it in what sense thou whilst." (Romeo & Juliet: I. I. 28) _"
3. ~Things appearing like this represent things the characters see, smell, touch, hear, or taste that can't be slid easily into the story any other way.~

4. +Translations to Isamuspeak, the official language of the Anti-Sterling Collation. Most of the exact terms were first encountered (by me at least) on ShinRyuKen's Shinji Vs. The Uber Mary Sue, and while I regret using what may be his own words to describe certain Mary Sue-ish characteristics, I sure as Hell don't want him writing something like this. +

5. "Dude" is the shortened version of "The Dude So Powerful, No One Knows His Name For Fear of Instant Death, Should They Speak It." Draw your own conclusions as to this being's true identity.

GROSS-OUT WARNING: THE LAST TWO SCENES ARE EXTREAMLY SICK BUT HILARIOUS. DO NOT READ WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF EATING, FOR SAFETY REASONS
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NERV 6th Division Headquarters: Central Dogma ^12:00 PM^

It has been almost a year and a half since the beginning of the first war against the Angels began. During this time, the Evangelions have been used to stop sixteen of the seventeen beings of destruction. Now has come the final test: NERV must now withstand the challenge defeating the eighteenth Angel, their fellow man.

Throughout the course of this record of events +The pile of shit you're stupid enough to be reading+, Richard Alexander Sterling proven himself a capable and skilled pilot, claiming a solo kill to his name and many assists. This knack for killing +Pilot godship+, along with his somewhat easy-going nature and likeability +Aura of Smooth+ led many reviewers of this document to conclude that this man was one of the most feared things in existence, a Mary-Sue.

While this was not the case, the rather slow rate to declassify these reports makes proving otherwise exceedingly difficult. As the days, weeks, and months progressed, Sterling eventually fell into a balance with his fellow pilots +end of pilot godship+. Alex one day made an advance upon Rei Ayanami. While he loved the blue haired girl more than anything in existence, Rei's eyes were set upon another in that respect. This was something Sterling could accept +Near elimination of Aura of Smooth+, and preceded to do all he could to ensure her happiness, putting his life on the line for it more than once.

These facts went unnoticed by those who constituted the Anti-Sterling Collation, who dedicated their lives to the eternal pain and suffering of R. A. Sterling, his creator, and all those who would dare to use him as a character. These men and women refused to acknowledge the end of the 'Aura of Smooth' effects on Rei, or the fact that Ayanami was the only person to experience the sexual version of the Aura. They refused to admit that this pilot had abandoned his 'Godship' for mere mortality. It was, is, and forever will be impossible to convince them that they are wrong.

One day, a few months after the destruction of the seventeenth Angel, the Collation attacks Tokyo-3 and invades NERV, eliminating the damaged, malfunctioning, or simply exhausted internal base defenses. After having finally taken the Command Center, the leaders of the Collation pre pare to do what they had set out to do from day one, kill Alex Sterling +The Anti-Christ+

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Dude walks slowly toward the bane of humanity, seeing with great pleasure the darker patches of the boy's clothes that indicated blood. If only I knew some way to make you suffer more, you fucking Mary-Sue bastard! he thought as he took the opportunity to backhand Sterling on the way by. The ringleader of the Collation finally stopped before another man wearing the crimson regalia of an Anti-Sterling Commander. "Report!" Dude demanded.

"Sir," Ken Sohryu began with a tone of sheer joy, "We have, as you know, already captured the Evil One. We have also secured Major Katsuragi and the Bridge Crew. Vice Commander Fuyutski was found attempting escape through one of the elevator shafts, and…" Ken threatened to have his smile grow larger than his face, "the Bastard King himself, Gendo Ikari was found calmly sitting in his office, doing his little pose with his hands and everything. We asked him why he hadn't tried to run and he told us, 'I have gone to great lengths to eliminate Sterling. Your purposes and mine coincide. Therefore, I should have no reason to fear you and no reason to run.' We've got him tied up over there now, behind the object of your katana blade's desire."

"Um, I have a quick question." A voice thick with blood mumbled out painfully, "What would it take for me to get out of this?"

"Your pain-filled, agonizing death, Spawn of Satan!" Comm. Sohryu spat out.

"Ah." ~meaty thud~ "OUCH!! You little ~hard thud, followed by cracking sound~ AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! My mother fuckin' arm! You piece of shit bast… ~loud smacking noise as Ken Sohryu kicks Sterling in the balls a couple of times, transforming the otherwise tough young man into pitiful pile of bruised, whimpering flesh.

"Hey!" Some of the Collation personnel object, "Save some for us! We want a piece of that son of a bitch, too, ya' know!"

"Yeah, well… Consider this 'loosening up', okay? Besides, you'll all get to enjoy tonight's 'festivities', won't they, Richard." Ken sneered, intentionally trying to provoke him.

"If I could move under my own power, I'd kill you for that." Sterling could be heard threatening before another swift kick one again rendered him 'indisposed'.

"When you're done having your fun," Dude said to him with a feeling of pride, "make the necessary preparations. I want this to go perfectly. Make sure to set up the video cameras where they can get the best shots, and have the NERV personnel there. I'm sure they would love to see this as well, for all the trouble he…, no, 'it' has caused them."

"As you wish, my lord." Ken gave a low bow as Dude walked towards the 'tech center to set up the worldwide broadcast of this historic and joyful event.

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NERV 6th Division Headquarters: Central Dogma ^8:00 PM^

"konbanwa!!!" Dude exclaimed into his microphone, "Welcome to Central Dogma, inside NERV 6th Division Headquarters in Tokyo-3, where today, we will be giving a LIVE broadcast of the torture and death of the accursed Richard Alexander Sterling. You may spontaneously lose the feed, however, as this is an illegal, bootleg transmission. For this, we greatly apologize. Now, on to the main event!" he signaled offscreen, where a metal autopsy table was set up with a set of exceedingly dangerous looking instruments were on a rolling table nearby.

Two huge men clad in ceremonial Collation dress carried between them a young boy devoid of all clothing, save a small loincloth. He could be seen kicking and heaving as he was drug to the table and tied down in the restraints added on to the table. As the 'orderlies' walked offstage, two other gentlemen walked on. One was quite tall, equal to the condemned in height, was the other was of a more average in that regard. Both wore extremely similar outfits: long, flowing robes in a deep, crimson red, with strong black accents. The two men assembled around the table and its' involuntary occupant. They threw back their hoods to reveal they were the top two of the Collation, Dude and Ken Sohryu. At this moment, the wall-mounted speakers began piping out loud, very depressing pipe organ music and the ceremony began as Ken pulled out a scroll, broke the seal, and began reading.

"Richard Alexander Sterling, You are found guilty of the following crimes against yourself, the people, and God almighty:

1. Possession, use, and abuse of the accursed thing known as an Aura of Smooth,

2. Possession of a universe sized ego,

3. Attempting to get laid with Rei Ayanami,

4. Applying level 1 Pilot Godship,

5. Total superiority to all other pilots,

6. Carrying firearms as a teenager, and

7. Thinking that you were some unstoppable God.

For those cardinal sins against yourself and God, you have been sentenced to purification by pain. For those cardinal sins against the people, you are sentenced to death by dismemberment. Have you any last words?" Sohryu finished with great relish.

"Yes, I do. I want the record straight. First, it is a GALAXY SIZED EGO, NOT A UNIVERSE SIZED EGO, GODDAMN IT! Second, if you've got the skills, flaunt them. Third, NAME ONE HETEROSEXUAL MALE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH WHO WOULDN'T LIKE AT LEAST A CHANCE AT REI AYANAMI! Fourth, a shitload of teenagers around the world carry guns. I'm just one more name on a list. Lastly, I THOUGHT I WAS GOD'S GIFT TO EVA PILOTING, NOT A GOD IN MY OWN RIGHT! I demand that the truth of the reasons for my death be known. Oh, and Gendo, GO STRAIGHT TO HELL YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I'LL BE SEEING YOU SHORTLY! Okay, I'm done." Sterling listed with almost religious zeal.

"Very well, let's begin." Dude said as he picked up the first instrument, a large, rather dull and rusty cleaver. "Where to begin? Where to begin? Legs or arms?" he questioned, more to himself than anyone else, as he moved to begin work on +it's+ feet.

"I'll work the other end." Ken volunteered happily as he grabbed the next in line, an alcohol soaked scalpel and a saltshaker. Too kind. Doesn't cause enough suffering, if you ask me. he thought, feeling rather put out. As the blood chilling screams of agony came flowing like a ruptured dam from their victim, Ken asked his superior, "Why do you have all the fun, anyway?"

"Not all the fun," Dude responded, looking up from his work for a moment, unfortunately lessening the total pain caused by his efforts. A mistake quickly corrected by a particularly slow and damaging grind into the wounded flesh before his twisted blade. Then, he finished, "look at tool number four."

Ken did this, and overjoyed at the sight he took in, "Really? I get to… I get to castrate the Demon?! YES!!! Joyful, joyful, full of joy." He sings as he finishes.

"…and number six."

Today couldn't get any better for the young man. "Halleluiah! I get to kill the bastard, too! Sweet!!!!!"

"Now who's having all the fun?" Dude matched Ken's unhappy tone, but was obviously sarcastic. An insanely huge smile from his assistant and more wails of agony were the only response he was to receive.

Having finally grown bored of hacking away at +its'+ legs, Dude replaced the cleaver and reached for the next tool of pain and anguish, a sledgehammer. As he hefted this new weapon, he began to sing, "This is how we break +its'+ bones, break +its'+ bones, break +its'+ bones. This is how we break +its'+ bones, all the do-dah day!" A powerful cracking noise and unholy screams followed the beat of the tune, with the repetitive ~ping~ of the head of the hammer bouncing against the autopsy table.

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Ken was giddy as a child with glee at his luck! He was also thankful to Dude for entrusting such honors and duties upon him. But, but, HE, the great Ken Sohryu, got to kill +IT+, the single most accursed thing known to him. Life couldn't get any better. It was humanly impossible for life to get any better. He grabbed up the scissors, cauterizer, and container and proceeded to remove the loincloth. "Not as much here as you'd like the world to believe, eh?" Sohryu taunted as he used the cauterizer to hack away at the flesh and tissues between he and his target.

At the moment the tip of the heated instrument touched his most precious flesh, a gut-wrenching, unholy scream of misery and suffering loud enough to give God a headache was let loose upon the 'operators' and the audience. Most of those present subconsciously winced and felt a rush of pity, which didn't last long as they remembered this was STERLING we were talking about, for the love of Christ.

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Finally, it was done. The small plastic cup on the tool cart contained the fruits (+) of Ken Sohryu's bloody labor. After this, there was little else they could do to poor Sterling, and little time to do it, as he now had massive internal bleeding. As he writhed and moaned in every rising levels of agony and torment, the two men cleaned their tools and themselves as best they could. They once again moved in position around the (now dieing) young man and Dude said, "Well, I hope you've got the idea that you are a BAD person by now, as everything new did to you came off a list of ideas provided by your cohorts in America, a list with things in it that I wouldn't even do to you. Die in peace, and see if you can get out of going to the Ninth Ring of Hell." He signaled offstage, where the two orderlies seen earlier returned and carted the table and the dead body on top of it to the crematorium, while Dude and Ken walked between the rows of seats to get to the changing rooms, fighting through hoards of blissfully happy people. Finally free of the chaos, they walk down the hall in their blood-soaked robes.

"You know," Sohryu murmured to Dude in an embarrassed tone, "I wanted to kill that bastard ever since the first time I discovered what he had become, but suddenly, I feel almost as though I had done something wrong…,"

A blue-haired girl ventured out of the shadows towards the young men. "I believe what you feel is guilt and remorse. I, too, have only recently become aware of feelings such as these. You have ensured, however, that I am well-versed in these two in particular." She said in a slightly hardened version off her usual monotone. She continued past them both as she set course for the ladies bathroom.

Both Dude and Ken stared in utter horror, and kept on staring as she disappeared inside her destination, until Dude regained enough of his composure to figure it out, "This is BAD! Very, VERY BAD! Our actions have upset the balance of good and evil, light and dark, and humor and seriousness in this story so badly that Rei Ayanami is starting to act like a normal, FUNCTIONAL member of society!"

After a few moments of dumbstruck bewilderment, Ken reacted, "OH, SHIT!!! We are SO fucked! If we don't fix this, Ritsuko will go on a Felis domesticas massacre and Katsuragi will become the world's strongest supporter of prohibition!" It took a second for his own words to sink in. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Katsuragi without a 'fridge full of Yubesuu?! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!!!! What can we do?! What can we do to restore the balance and order all fanfics are supposed to have?!" he pleaded.

While Dude and Sohryu tried to find a way, an answer literally walked right into them. As two previously unseen but equally muscular orderlies were leading Gendo Ikari back to the Detention Center, he decided that his office was a better place for him. So, he broke free of the orderlies grip on him and by some miracle, actually ran with his hands STILL in the "Gendo" position. Conveniently, right into the troubled Collation members, whose bodies did an excellent job as roadblocks. As the bruserers caught up and started to take Ikari away again, Dude ordered them to stop.

"The is the solution to our dilemma, right here. We kill Ikari, the balance should equate. As much as I hate to admit it, Sterling was serving as an antithesis to Gendo, and it would appear that things are turning toward Darkness… Ah, what the Hell? We were going to kill Ikari anyway. Why not now, while we still have these bloody-assed clothes on." Once Ken had considered this and nodded his concurring, Dude turned back to Ikari and asked, "Any last requests?"

Ikari gave them the unholy "Pissed off Gendo that wants your ass dead but can't afford to do it" as he decided what one thing he wanted most in the world that these asshole invaders could actually give him. After a great deal of thought, he concluded that capitalizing on an old joke between Kouzou and he would have to do. "This is what I would like…" A look of ever-increasing disgust grew on the faces of all present as Gendo outlined his last request, and by the time he was finished, Ken was compelled by his own sense of dignity to question, "Honestly, Dude, do we have to give him last request? I mean, COME ON! That's just nasty!"

"Yes, unfortunately, we do. I made the offer, and his request is within my power, so we must. Let's get it over with then…" And so everyone in the hallway headed off for the NERV Cafeteria.

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NERV 6th Division Headquarters: Cafeteria ^8:45 PM^

"Happy now?" Ken Sohryu asked with great disgust as Gendo finished eating his last request.

"I am about to die at the hands of two worthless, overgrown children. How can I be happy? I am ready, however." Gendo got down on his knees, head tilted straight down. Look's like you and I won't be seeing each other in the Great Beyond, Yui, for I know that you could never be sent where I belong. I lo… the Bastard King's inner monologue was cut short by the 9mm Luger round now firmly mounted in his brain.

"Dude," Ken asked as they walked away from the mess, leaving it to the orderlies to clean up, "Why in the name of God did he want my 'trophies'?"

Dude didn't look up from that very interesting spot on the floor that moved as necessary to ensure he didn't have to watch the happenings of the last few minutes as he answered, "I have no fucking clue about that, Ken, but have a bigger question. Where the Hell did he hear about Rocky Mountain Oysters?!"

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Pearly Gates of the Entrance to Heaven ^time has no meaning here^

Heeheehee… Gendo thought happily, Told you I'd have his balls, didn't I, Fuyutski? He continued on and entered the line to be Judged…

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The End

Post Story Author's Notes

(+) Pardon both the pun and the sick humor. Seemed like the thing to do at the time.

1. I hope all you sick, perverted pieces of shit out there in the world are happy now. (By the way, liquor store owners of the world, this Announcement of Defeat was why I recommended the stock up on champagne.

2. This Chapter is essentially a parody of my story, and I am, as I write this, considering loading it as a separate story in a couple of weeks.

3. The first few paragraphs of this is a very brief synapse of what I intended to do with this story, and still just might.

4. I will be temporarily abandoning this story in favor of a Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040 idea I have. If any one could send me some additional background information to shinji_ikari33@hotmail.com, that would be great.

5. I will probably spontaneously update this chapter with continuations, as, now that I think about it, this was rather fun to write.