A/N: This is just the first chapter in the series. I am currently writing more!
The digital clock flashed 3:30 AM on the nightstand. Caroline couldn't sleep. Her body was exhausted from the lack of sleep trying to organise the wedding cake, and probably also from the fact that she and Max carried the gargantuan wedding cake all the way from their cupcake shop, through the subway, to the wedding venue. She tossed and turned, counted sheep, tried her Zen meditative breathing practices she learnt in Bali but she just could not fall asleep. Her mind was just too active over the past few weeks' occurrences, and her heart was fluttering excitedly inside her chest, ready to fly away. But at what?
Stop it Caroline Channing. Don't even let yourself think about it.
But she couldn't. She couldn't stop thinking about what happened at Claire's wedding that confirmed everything she's been feeling in the past few months of her life. She couldn't stop thinking about the answer to her confusion, the revelation that she could not bear to even admit herself. Her mind flashed back to Claire's wedding. To the dance floor where the lights were dimmed, casting an ethereal purple glow around everything. Around Max's skin.
Stop.
Her mind flashed to the way Max's arm was entwined around her waist. Her fingers slightly moving, sending electric sparks through Caroline's body. Max's other hand was held in her own, and Caroline couldn't help but think how perfectly their hands fit together. They were in their own moment – swaying to the slow song played by the live band, ignoring the rest of the world. Caroline remembered the way Max's milky skin glowed in that beautiful wedding gown. The way her crimson red lips curled up ever so gently into that slight grin that was trademark to only Max Black. Realising that she'd been staring at Max for too long, Caroline had quickly burst into a stream of conversation, dispelling any awkwardness that was in the air.
"I think weddings are wonderful. Do you think you'll ever get married, Max?" Caroline asked.
"Eh, weddings are overrated. Like this dress. Do you know how much oxygen my lungs are not getting? If I pass out, you'll know why."
Caroline laughed. Max's sardonic remarks never fail to amuse her.
"Come on, you didn't answer my question."
"I honestly don't know, Blondie. I never really thought about it. What about you? I'm sure you've got a big ass wedding all planned out."
"I don't know, Max. Not with the way my life is going, or the guys I'm meeting. I don't even know if I'll have anyone when I'm old."
She had managed to distract herself from thinking about the way her body and brain reacted in that intimate moment for a while – especially when Claire broke their union and announced that she was into girls after seeing them together. Everyone always makes jokes or mistakes us being together. Caroline curiously thought to herself. Was it their body language? Did Caroline not even realise it was that obvious that she could feel a sort of gravitational pull from Max?
But the thing that made Caroline sleepless tonight was what happened after– when Max was ready to throw the bouquet of flowers into a group of hopelessly romantic squealing bridesmaids.
"ONE…" Max shouted, winding up her arms, getting ready to throw the bouquet in the air.
"TWO…" The bridesmaids were eyeing the bouquet like hungry ravens.
"Three," Max said gently, passing the white rose bouquet to Caroline, along with a sheepish smile.
"Aw, Max. Thank you." Caroline had said, and approached Max for a hug. As they pulled closer to each other, Max unexpectedly planted a small kiss on her cheek and brought her lips to Caroline's ear, whispering, "You'll always have me."
As she relived the moment, Caroline felt waves of shivers rolling through her body. STOP IT NOW. You weren't supposed to think about this!
But it was inevitable. Caroline Channing could not stop thinking about Max. Ever since meeting Max, Caroline's perspective on everything changed. She felt like Max had lifted the veil of living in a fairy tale and showed her the real world. When Caroline's father was arrested and all their assets and wealth were seized, she found herself lamenting over the fact that she would never be able to ride in limos again, or sunbathe in the beaches of St. Bart's island, or walk into a Louboutin and buy ten pairs of shoes. But living with Max had changed all that. She realised that she didn't need those – they were just extra benefits to life. What really mattered was having someone you could come home to and talk about anything. To feel cared for and looked after. Max took her in even though they didn't even know each other that well at the time. She accompanied her to her father's prison visits even though she didn't need to. Hell, she was even willing to be her backup and cock-block on the date with Nicolas. The bottom line is, Max was always there for her. And Caroline wasn't sure if the feelings she had for Max were derived from never having a best friend like her, or true genuine feelings. And when Caroline had thought about this a few months ago, she felt confused and troubled. She couldn't tell Max how she felt because she was afraid it'd ruin their relationship. Even Sophie advised against it! So from then on, Caroline had barricaded those thoughts into the back of her mind. She didn't allow herself to think of Max in that way and she was not planning on ever talking about it with Max.
Until now.
She just couldn't help it. There had been so many times where Max would pass a casual comment or joke about them being together, and Caroline would just laugh it off, and then she'd replay it over and over in her mind that night until she fell asleep. But tonight was different. Usually Max would just say something suggestive, but this time, she actually did something.
She kissed me. Caroline brought her fingers to the spot on her cheek where Max had lightly planted a kiss. She could still feel the tingles that erupted down her spine as Max did it.
Get your head together. She kissed you on the CHEEK. That means nothing, she doesn't like you. Go to sleep.
But didn't Max also say something afterwards? Yes. She had said "You'll always have me." What did that mean? Caroline was so confused. She wish she could press all those feelings back into the box she hid them in and lock them away in the recesses of her mind forever. But that moment with Max had unlocked it, and now the feelings had escaped and are bouncing all over her mind, denouncing any sliver of sleep that would grant Caroline an escape from this horrible dilemma.
She decided that lying there and hoping for sleep to come would not work, so Caroline got up and turned on the electric kettle in order to make some hot chocolate. As the water boiled, the kettle made an awful screeching noise. Caroline had never used this kettle before, she never actually made hot chocolate by herself.
"Oh shit," Caroline panicked, "How do I turn this off?"
She frantically searched for a button to turn the screaming kettle off but missed seeing the small button near the base of the kettle. So she proceeded to pull the plug out of the adapter. Of course, since the apartment had not had a safety check in years, sparks flew out of the adapter causing Caroline to shriek.
"What is happening here? Are you getting raped?" Max groaned, standing in the doorway of her bedroom in her oversized T-shirt and pyjama pants.
"Max! I'm so sorry I woke you up. I was just trying to make some hot chocolate and the stupid kettle was so loud and – "
"You're making hot chocolate, by yourself, at 4 in the morning?"
"Yes, I… couldn't sleep." Caroline said quietly.
"Yeah, neither could I." Max replied, looking at her fingers.
"Really? What were you doing till now then?" Caroline asked, the fluttering in her heart growing stronger and more adamant.
"Masturbating," Max grinned devilishly, "Nah, I was just…. Thinking."
"Thinking? Since when do you think over things?"
"Hey, just because I didn't graduate high school doesn't mean that I don't think. I think about chocolate, cats, cheeseboard abs…"
"Max," Caroline said, approaching her and taking her hand, leading her to sit on the Murphy bed, "I think we need to talk about something."
"Hey, I ain't for girl talks. Especially when there's no hot chocolate or weed involved."
"Max," Caroline repeated. She couldn't stop saying her name. It was the name that popped into her mind every second. She needed to get this out of her system, and she needed to have full disclosure. "Max, this is serious. I feel that we need to talk about… this."
She pointed to Max's hand in her hand, their soft skin buzzing against one another. As soon as she did that, Max jerked her hand away. Suddenly, she tensed up and her body went rigid. Her face became a blank canvas, her eyes dead of emotion. This was Max hardening out, bringing up all her defences.
"Look, Blondie. I don't know what you're talking about, but I think we should go back to sleep," Max said as she stood up from Caroline's bed.
"No, wait." Caroline pleaded and grabbed Max's wrist, pulling her back down on the bed.
"Wow, for a skinny girl you've got guns." Max commented, the corners of her lips turning upward, "Now let me go before I actually get scared."
"Okay, fine," Caroline released her grip on Max, "If you don't want to talk about it, fine. But we can't just leave this unresolved."
"I don't even know what you mean by 'this'" Max waved her hands in the air sarcastically. They both sat still and silent for a while until Max decided to get up off the bed and head back towards her room.
"Goodnight," Caroline murmured quietly. She wasn't sure if Max didn't hear her or if Max didn't reply.
Max grabbed her pillow and threw it down hard on the bed, following up with her face buried deep inside it, muffling the shouts of frustration and confusion streaming out of her mouth. When she realised that Caroline could probably hear all this, she proceeded to punch her already balled-up fists into it, each hit making it even harder to breathe.
WHY. IS. THIS. HAPPENING.
She let out an exasperated sigh and collapsed onto the bed. It's exhausting having to barricade yourself with castle walls. Max had always grown up guarded. It is a defence mechanism – the result of having your heart being held in another's hand and crushed and twisted and bled dry. Starting out with her own father, whose existence she's not even sure of, and then her deadbeat mother who would have most probably sold her for drugs if not for the child welfare cheque, and the plethora of guys she had slept with or dated. Nobody, no one, no human being ever showed her what it felt to be loved and cared for. Nobody except Caroline Channing.
Max can't even fathom how much her life and outlook has changed ever since Caroline came into her life. Before her, Max would sleep with guys so that she would not be alone. None of the sex ever meant anything to her. She was already dead inside. She couldn't feel anything. Besides, the guys she slept with were just there for one reason, and a loving relationship is definitely not one of them. Before Caroline, Max drunk and took drugs to deal with problems. She'd drink while doing her taxes (which she wouldn't even file), she'd smoke weed after a torturous day's work at the diner serving obnoxious hipsters. Hell, Max would just smoke weed to make her aimless, pathetic life drift by faster with less consciousness. But ever since Caroline moved in, it has all changed. Max had never felt the need to do any of that again. At first, Max had never realised it. She just thought that with the Cupcake business and actually having a roommate, she was too busy for all of those bad habits. But it was only recently that she realised she did all these things to fill the void inside of her. And Caroline had filled that emptiness. Max had never felt happier in her life before and she couldn't admit that it was because of Caroline.
Gross. Feelings are for losers.
But I am a loser. Max thought to herself. Maybe she did deserve to have Caroline. They are perfect for each other. Max couldn't believe how lucky she is to have a best friend like Caroline. Which best friend would take a job working under a horny French guy (who's also married!) just to support your school fees? Which best friend would push you into chasing your dreams that you were actually living it? Which best friend can give you this much hope in such a miserable, cruel world?
Caroline was like a bright luminous ball of light in Max's dark life. Her chirpy aura and brilliant smile fills up every room she walks in and takes Max's breath away. Max wasn't even sure if she had a crush on her best friend or if it was just because she's never had a best friend like this before. But then why does she feel her heart skip a beat every time Caroline touches her? Max couldn't stop thinking about the intimate moment they shared at Claire's wedding, and how Caroline's hands were perfectly clasped in her own, her deep blue eyes staring into Max's. She wondered if Caroline was kept awake by the same thing.
Of course not, you idiot. Get over yourself, she's into men. PENISES.
The thought of that made Max chuckle to herself. Oh god, before she was punching pillows and now she's sniggering at the word penis. But that did make Max wonder – is Caroline only into men? There had been so many cases where Caroline ambiguously commented about her sexuality: at the strip club, at the diner ("I'm not a lesbian… yet.") and even blurting out about how she's turned on by some of Max's actions. But Max had always regarded them as jokes and passed them off. Plus, she did mention that she kissed a girl and didn't like it.
She'd change her mind after kissing me. Max smirked to herself. She then realised the ridiculousness of her thought and pulled a face. How can she be thinking like that? Caroline is her best friend! Maybe she was right. Maybe we should talk this out.
But Max hated talking things out. She hates having planned talks. Everything she says just comes off straight from her enigmatic brain, no filter included. And when she's in uncomfortable or tense situations, her brain freezes up and she ends up stuttering like English was a new language to her. Max decided that she'd let talking be the last option. She was going to go to sleep, wake up late, go to the grocer to buy ingredients for her cupcakes, and then head to the diner early for work. No time for talks with Caroline. Satisfied with her ingenious plan, Max finally drifted off to sleep.