Chapter 1:
when I drove myself crazy
You know when people tell you not to smoke, then give you countless ways in which it slowly, and silently kills you? Well there is always a new threat, a new diagnosis, or just an idea that I, as a teenager, am prone to apathy and disinterest in a "fulfilling life." Whatever that is supposed to mean. Maybe I'm just stupid.
I opened my eyes to the sound of my dog snoring by my feet in the darkness. Inevitably, I looked at the time, hoping I still had some hours before I had to get out of the toasty comfort of my sheets. But today just wasn't my lucky day. Now that I think about it, I never have a lucky day.
By the time I get to school, I feel ten times heavier and like my eyes are gonna roll out of my skull any second. I'm very conscious of my disheveled, disgruntled, and tired appearance, and the worst part about being so aware of what I am, is that it depresses me the most. I wish I was clay, just to mold out a new me, burn it until it's solid and ready to paint into a beautiful glaze. But before I can become a ball of sediment, I have chemistry.
I write "Hinata Hyuga" at the top of my lab worksheet and dread the moment the teacher assigns lab partners. I'm usually very quiet, not because I'm shy, but because I'm the kind to analyze people before socializing. I probably sound like a jerk, but I can't help it. Like a reflex, I make space between myself and my lab partner. He didn't think negatively of it because he snickered, but I still stared at him with curiosity.
"I'm sorry, I don't know your name..." He says, and I knew I had to introduce myself. Usually, I wouldn't respond but something in his eyes told me I should.
"Hinata…" I stuck out my hand and he shook it gently,"And you?"
"Naruto. But, y'know, we've been in the same class for a long time now." He kept smiling while he conducted the experiment and I wrote data.
"It's never too late to meet someone. Even if you've been in the same class for a couple of months."
"I guess." He sneered.
We didn't say much after that. Only exchanged odd glances and made eye contact to fill in the awkward silence. By the time the bell rang, we had already finished our lab and written a short report of it much earlier than the other pairs. I thought I should approach him before he leaves the classroom, but what would I say to him? "Nice work today?" No. I'm not lame.
Instead I kept my mouth shut and watched him swing his bag over his shoulder as he stepped out of the classroom.
"Naruto!" A sudden shriek came from the side. Before I could process what was going on, he was catching a pink haired girl in his arms and smiling down at her. As you already know, I like to analyze people and it was clear to me that it wasn't any old regular smile you give to friends who are excited to see you. That was his girlfriend.
By the time I got home I was drenched from the sudden rainfall that caught up to me mid-walk. I admit I enjoy getting caught in the rain. It felt like mother nature was cleansing me after an exhausting day. On top of having to sit in a crowded cafeteria, I had to watch Naruto sit with the same pink-haired girl, and a group of others, looking quite happy. For some crazy reason, I lost my appetite and walked out of the place without even stealing glances his way.
The next day I decided to actually try make up on. I don't usually try to impress anyone, so why am I doing this? How is this satisfying if he has a girlfriend.
I question my sanity over the sink in the girls' bathroom, with only minutes before chemistry class officially be, or not to be. That is the fucked up question. I rubbed off the make-up with wet paper towels, rubbing some soap on my cheeks and nose. My eyes looked even more worn out now that I smudged the black eyeliner, but I didn't care. Since when did I start caring?
"Ready for another day of work?" He asked. I was surprised when the teacher praised our teamwork and put us together again. I think this is the one time I regret being a good student.
"Sure." I mumble, the lack of enthusiasm was overflowing. He frowned and leaned closer.
"What's wrong?" His eyebrows wrinkled together in what looked like genuine concern. I avoided looking into his perfect pools of blue, staring at me intently.
"I'm fine. Seriously."
He didn't buy it, but didn't ask anything else. Only stared.
"Do you do that to everyone?" I ask him, raising my voice a little.
"Do what?"
"You're staring really hard…"
"Why would that be unusual? You should be used to it." He answered nonchalantly and looked down at the lab, writing down the procedure.
"What are you talking about? No, it is not normal to stare at people like that-"
"Unless they are as beautiful as you." His eyes, still on the paper as he wrote, kept that calm look he usually has. On the other end, I was staring at him with wide eyes and could feel my cheeks and neck burn.
Naruto gave me a cheeky smile and winked, which I admit was attractive, but I wasn't comfortable getting this kind of attention from him. He has a girlfriend, I thought. Why am I so giddy about this, yet so guilty? I decided to not fuel the conversation anymore and finished the lab as quickly as possible, just to get away from him. Why is he doing this to me? I'm starting to change my view of him. His girlfriend wouldn't be pleased to know he's calling another girl beautiful. Maybe I'm too uptight, but this is not right.
The bell rang and I got out of my seat in a rush to leave, but he caught up to me and could only try to keep up since I had no intention of stopping to chat.
"Wait, Hinata! I wanted to ask you something!"
I sighed and stopped, "What?"
"Can I have your number?"
I rolled my eyes and continued on to my next class, but this time he didn't stop me. It saddened me a little, I liked this whole push-and-pull thing I had going on-no! I can't think like this. I shook the thought away as much as I could but he kept popping up in my head to the point where I couldn't think straight or focus on what the teacher said.
"What are you doing?" Kiba asks. He's sitting beside me on the floor of my room, watching me shuffle around a Rubix cube.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to solve this thing." I sneer back.
He chuckles, "By staring at the floor and randomly switching around the corners?"
"Ugh, don't judge me…"
"Do I ever?" He asked, knowing well the answer as I trust him like family, "Tell me what's wrong."
"Do you know this guy with blond hair, his name is Naruto?" I ask, leaning back on one of the bean bags I had spread on the floor.
"Yeah, what about him? Don't tell me you like the guy, Hina." He smirked at me, giving me an intense glare, just waiting to juice the truth out of me. He didn't even wait for me to respond, because the second I took a deep breath and sighed, he was scoffing at me again.
"I can't believe you, of all people, would like that guy. He's such an asshole, and everyone knows he cheats all the time, Sakura is just too dumb to dump him."
It took me a minute to register all of the information Kiba was throwing at me as if he was playing darts and kept hitting the bulls-eye with every shot.
"So her name is Sakura…"
"You knew he has a girlfriend? Okay, Hina, you're scaring me." He crossed his legs and leaned forward, holding on to his feet in a snug position. "Sakura is extremely possessive. Don't let her catch you making cutesy eyes at Naruto, or your reputation is as good as done."
I shivered a little, despite wearing a big heavy sweater, I felt a rush of chills go down my back. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I churned everything over in my head. I was unknowingly digging my own grave and for a second pushed myself down it.
"Thanks Kiba."
"Hm? For what?" He had a mouthful of chocolate and looked up at me as if I was crazy.
"Nevermind. Let's just finish this English project before it gets any later."
The morning after I swore that my face became a big squishy mess of skin. I poked my swollen cheek, and could only stare at the dent it left that slowly disappeared as my cheek rose back up to full chipmunk mode.
"What the hell…" My sister, Hanabi, muttered from the doorway of our bathroom.
My eyes were probably screaming bloody panic, because when I looked at her she ran to my side and held my hand.
"Let's go tell mom, maybe it's something you ate."
I simply nodded like a little girl who just scraped her knee and is freaked out by the sudden blood. I've always had seasonal allergies, but never to this extent.
In no time, I found myself sitting in the emergency room of the hospital with an ice pack pressed against my cheek in the hopes that the embarrassing swelling went away.
"Hinata, dear, you need to start taking your medication. I told you time and time again, spring is coming and you need to be prepared. Just look at your cheeks, my goodness…"
My mom's ramblings became a very faint noise in the background once the fish tank caught my eyes. From there on, I could only stare at the variety of fish swimming by.
But then, I heard his voice. There was no mistaking it. The same ruff, husky voice of that jerk that I told myself I hated with a passion, but made my heart beat just a little faster each time I saw him.
"Yes, I'm here for a sport related injury…"
I looked over and as expected he stood there leaning over the front desk with one foot wrapped completely in bandages. I took a hard, deep breath, and hid my face behind one of the magazines my mom was reading.
How the hell am I getting out of this one.