Just the beginning
I wasn't intending to be here. It felt as though my feet, on auto pilot, took me to this destination before my mind had a chance to object. It had always been her. It would always be her. The words repeated themselves, whirling round and round in my head, making me breathless and keeping me rooted to the spot in the dining room. Over the tops of heads and the clatter of diners eating, she came to me like a vision. She hadn't seen me. Not yet. I was struck by how calm, how composed, she seemed as she allowed herself to be engaged in idle chit chat. Yes she was composed...and yet I could still detect the sadness in her beautiful eyes, I could still see the hurt pride even if nobody else could. Her gaze wandered, idly, around the dining room until they came to rest upon me. There was a long moment, an unwaveringly held gaze that made my heart spike in my chest, but i did not look away, I could not look away for fear that she would disappear in front of me in smoke, dissipating, revealing herself to be nothing more than the last shreds of my memories and day dreams. But this was not a daydream and I was no longer that girl who would be content with just imagining. I was here to fight for us. I watched the smile on Carol's full, red, lips turn into an unrestrained grin as the relief gave way to joy. Her eyes watered and then, in minutes, she was waving me over, her emotions already checked and tidied into a look reminiscent of the old Carol.
"Gentlemen this is Therese Belivet"
"They rose to bow their heads congenially.
"Please join us" She insisted.
"Thank you" I replied sitting down with my head swimming and my heart dancing in my chest.
"I was seated across from her. She was just slightly out of my reach and yet I could smell her perfuming wafting towards me giving me some semblance of closeness. The feeling of the chair beneath me seemed to be the only thing keeping me upright. I remained rooted to it, gripping it for dear life as I attempted to pull myself together.
"Have a glass of wine Therese" Carol suggested. I concentrated on the glass in my hand, sipping down a good mouthful of warm, red. It was just enough dutch courage to distract myself from Carol and consider the notion of taking part in the tide of conversation around me. It was as if we were hiding in plain sight. I was amazed by the mundane words that left my mouth. The conversations I was able to have despite knowing that she was there, solid and real, in front of me, out of reach but close enough…close enough if I just decided to go to her. At times visions would interrupt the flow of conversation. I'd imagine myself pulling the tablecloth free, spilling glasses and drinks on to waiting laps, to slide over to her and take her face in my hands, once again experiencing the rush of kissing that beautiful, full, mouth.
"And are you enjoying working there?" The words pierced the power of my day dream like air released slowly from a balloon. I nodded my head, tearing my eyes away from Carol's mouth.
"Oh yes" I replied, bringing myself back to the conversation with a jolt. I allowed my gaze to flicker in her direction. Yes I was going to have to try a lot harder to keep in step with conversation even though all I really wanted to do was stare in to Carol's eyes with great abandonment.
"One by one Carol's friends excused themselves until there was only Timothy left, loitering at the table.
"Ladies, if I can excuse myself for a moment" Timothy said politely, tipping his hat in our direction as he excused himself from the table
div style="font-family: Helvetica;""You came" Carol whispered, keeping her eyes trained on the glass tumbler in her hands. She brought it to her lips and drained the contents in one mouthful. "I didn't think you would" There was a trace, just a spark, of despair. For the first time she could not dare to look at me for fear of revealing her emotions in a look or a mere glance. I wanted to take her hands in to my own and kiss the blush of freckles that I had retraced in my mind so many evenings.
"Can we be alone Carol?" I pleaded. There was so much I wanted to say but being here, confined to this table, surrounded by others felt like absolute torture to me.
She braved a look at me and closed her eyes to the image with a faint nod. "Yes" She sighed with relief.
We did not utter a word on the cab ride home. We were encapsulated in silence and yet my head was thrumming to life with noise. Memories came flooding back to me of the silent rides we had taken on our trips, of the feelings that had been building between us, threatening, at any moment, to spill over into frenzy. I was feeling this now. I was feeling all the emotions mixing together like a turning tide. There was love, resentment, hope, fear, desire, all sinking into my every pore. The feelings were so strong that at points I feared I would actually embrace her in the confines of the cab, giving way to passion and pressing my eager mouth to hers without fear of the consequences.
"Just here" Carol uttered the words in a voice I could not recognise. She paid the cab driver and engaged in polite conversation as he thanked her for her generous tip.
"Carol opened the door to the apartment, glancing over her shoulder at me to meet my intense gaze with a look of trepidation. Had she expected me to flee? To change my mind and turn back from her again?
No sooner was the door opened than I felt the inside of it against my back as Carol gripped me in an embrace, mouth meeting mine in sheer desperation, hands pawing at my body, then finally resting at my face, holding my cheeks in her hands. I responded in kind, readily taking her into me, my hands slipping around the small of her back, pushing her further against me until there was no space, not even room to breathe. I wanted her now more than I ever had before. I wanted her so badly that I could barely stand it. We kissed over and over again, long slow kisses that took my breathe away and made my cheeks flush red with want. Her mouth was soft and yet urgent, tongue meeting mine with a jolt of electricity. I tugged at her coat and it fell to the floor with a soft thud. The sight of her flushed, with her red lipstick smudged by our kisses, brought a moan to my lips. I couldn't hold it back. I traced the line of her mouth, watching with intense fascination, as she blushed before me. Had I ever seen her blush? I marvelled at the sight, closing my eyes to keep the image in my head.
"Let's take this into the bedroom" She said, her voice thick and heavy with lust. She threaded her fingertips with mine, tugging at my hand, as we walked into her bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and I remained poised in front of her, my hands busying themselves with the buttons on my shirt. Button after button popped open to reveal more skin and Carol seemed more than content just to sit and watch me, her blue eyes darkening by the second. She leaned back against out stretched hands, taking in the sight of me undressing with a languid smile.
"Come to me" She urged, watching me intently as I moved towards her, slipping on to her waiting lap. I remained like this for a long moment, naked before her, watching the way she took in the sight of my body with great appreciation. She shook her head and exhaled deeply "Do you know how much I want you?" She asked. I did not need to answer her. We both knew it. We could both feel it. She began to slip out of her silken dress, all the time keeping her eyes fixed on mine. I was drinking in the sight of her, hands skimming her soft, toned arms, coasting along the curves of her sublime body, with a pleasure so absolute I felt sure I would stop breathing. I kissed her long and deep, our arms frantically grasping, holding each other as desire took over us. Gently I coaxed her down on to the bed so that she was laying below me, looking up at me with hooded eyes. She brought her hands to rest on my hips, the tips of her thumbs drawing patterns against my skin. I took my time with her, smiling in response to her impatient moans. Her body arched beneath me, responding to the touch of my mouth on her breasts with a deep moan. A hand came to the back of my head and then there was the gentle, almost tentative, encouragement, the mere persuasion that I should take my journey to a more urgent place. I kissed a trail along her navel, the hand against my head gripping my hair with a display of urgency. Then there was nothing but the sounds of Carol's desire spilling out in to the empty room, her cries coming from the back of her throat, bouncing across the walls to make my stomach flip and turn.
"I laid down beside her as she lay spent with her eyes closed and a hand carelessly strewn across her eyes. She seemed so vulnerable laying here with her chest rising and falling rapidly like a baby birds. I pulled the covers up to our necks and inched closer to her, allowing an arm to drape across her middle. Slowly she opened her heavy eyes, luminous blue sparkling to life.
"I love you" She told me, holding my face in her hands. "I love you" There was nothing but sincerity in her tone. Any sharpness, any pride, had slipped away and I knew that she was here before me, the real Carol, the Carol I had caught glimpses of before we parted and before I experienced such a vast change.
"I love you" I replied. I did not have to question it. I did not have to consider it. Saying it made my heart swell with pride because I never believed that we would say those words to each other. I never truly thought that there was a solid chance for us to be together but now I knew that it was coming true before my eyes. Now I knew that this was just the beginning.