Disclaimer: If you believe all these characters were mine, then I have a ship called the Gullible I'd like to sell to you.
Updated author's note: On the request of two people, the Elilah Wood reference has been removed.
Chapter One
A rustling caught Aragorn's attention. He turned on the spot, his light eyes traveling along the extent of the low lying hedges.
"What do you see?" Legolas asked, moving to stand by his right. Aragorn gestured for silence, and stared harder at the shrubbery. There was no explanation for the cause.
"Strider?" Frodo whispered softly.
"We mustn't tarry." Boromir hissed, joining Aragorn, his hand on the hilt of his sword. Aragorn sighed, giving the brush one last glance, and turning to the others.
"We are being tracked." he explained bluntly. Frodo's eyes widened as his hand fluttered to his neck, where hung the Ring.
"Gollum?" the Ringbearer inquired, craning his neck as if he expected the CGI creature to leap from the bushes and give him an excuse to make gasping sounds so the others would think he was dying.
"I know not." Aragorn exhaled, "But we must maintain caution, and try to lose our pursuer. Let us hope it is not one of them." he put on a noble face, as if to remind the Fellowship that he was, after all, going to be a king.
"Let us continue." Gimli growled, adjusting his pack to his other shoulder.
So on they trekked, forever feeling as if they were being followed. Legolas continually shooting glances behind them to insure there was danger following.
On the second night of the enduring rustling, Boromir swore he would find the source, and disappeared.
Aragorn watched as Merry and Pippin conversed in low tones, occasionally looking around fearfully. Frodo sat alone, staring off into space.
The ranger approached the latter, "What is on your mind, small one?" Frodo sighed, and looked Aragorn in the eyes.
"Do you think Gandalf is at rest?" he asked finally.
"That I can not answer." Aragorn admitted.
"I reckon he's off in the Grey lands, Mr. Frodo." Sam supplied, joining them. Frodo gave a small smile, and said nothing more.
Boromir captured everyone's attention by stumbling out from behind a thicket, holding a struggling being dressed in odd clothes. "Boromir!" Legolas cried, and seized one of the flailing limbs of the form.
"Let go of me. Ouch! Let go!" the person snapped, the voice revealing the gender. Thrusting her face forward, she jerked her hand from Legolas's grasp, and stamped aggressively at Boromir's foot.
"Who are you?" Aragorn demanded, brandishing his sword. The girl's eyes widened as she looked around at the eight.
"Oh my god, this is so freaky!" she exclaimed, shoving some of her dark brown hair out of her face.
"Are you one of them?" Aragorn demanded, unsheathing his sword. The girl's already big eyes widened even further, and she gave a little smile, "Hey guys, what's up?"
"Answer the question!" Gimli growled. The girl shrugged, and asked, "What do you mean, 'one of them?'"
All the members of the fellowship sighed deeply, and many sympathetic glances were shot at Legolas and Frodo. Aragorn took a step forward.
"Almost every day now, we have been plagued by mysterious and beautiful women, not of this world. They refuse to see reason, and do naught but shriek, giggle, and philander, in the most uncouth ways to mainly Legolas and Frodo. To add to that, they expect us to accept them, and let them follow us on our mission."
"Idiot rag-tags dangling at our tails," Boromir snapped, "as if we had nothing better to do than invite them on our quest, as if it was a simple walk with no great consequences."
"God, this isn't how this is supposed to be." The girl whined, "You're supposed to be struck dumb with my beauty." As if to show of the assumed trait, she struck a pose, and smiled coyly at Legolas.
The Elf shuddered, having the feeling that one of the many phrases that had been directed towards him since he joined the Fellowship was inevitable. He sighed, what would it be this time? 'Hey, Sexy Elf?' 'What's up, you prince of hotness, you?' or perhaps 'God, you are sooooo hot?'
And then it came.
"So, sexy, you're not going to let them turn me away, are you?" The girl simpered. Legolas recoiled, and Frodo shot him a look of utmost empathy.
"You will leave now," Aragorn began, "and tell the women of your world to stop bothering us. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Father." The girl snapped, then she paused, "Unless I can come with you?"
"Never." Boromir spat.
"Well, fine then," the girl stammered in a baffled sort of way, "I'll just-uh-go back to psych. class through the portal under my desk."
She stood awkwardly for a moment, looking around at the others. The Fellowship waited for her to depart. The girl looked down, as if trying to remember something. Then she lifted her face up, and began, "Wind, rain, sun rebirth, take me back to planet Earth."
Sparks flew from her, and then she was gone.
Legolas heaved a sigh of unadulterated relief, "Let us continue, before we are tracked again."
"We must find a way to stop them!" Gimli declared.
"But how?" Boromir demanded.
"We could trap them." Pippin suggested.
"And then throw them all in the Brandywine." Merry added. Frodo grinned, despite his heavy heart.
"Nay, we shouldn't kill them." Aragorn replied, "But trapping them is a good notion."
Pippin beamed.
"How would we trap them?" Sam inquired.
"Perhaps lure them with something..." Boromir trailed off, and all eyes rested fixedly on Legolas.
The Elf panicked, "Not I! Please, Elessar, have mercy!"
Aragorn smiled grimly, "It is for the good of the company, my friend."
"Perhaps Frodo might act as bait." Legolas pleaded. Frodo widened his eyes, shaking his head as his fingers clutched the Ring around his neck; as a reminder that he was the Ringbearer.
"He's got enough to worry about as it." Sam defended.
"It would seem the Elf is our choice." Gimli snickered. Legolas glared at the Dwarf, and straightened up even more than usual.
"I shall do what I can, for the good of the company," he sighed, running his hand through his hair. At least, his hand reached the top of his head, where it promptly got stuck. Had his hair been Hobbit-hair length, the gesture would have been effective, but since his hair was up and braided, he had to slide his hand back forward, and hope no one saw.
There was a moment of silence.
"How will we trap them?" Merry asked.
"A ditch, perhaps?" Gimli proposed.
"A net." Boromir advised, thinking back on his glorious days of hunting, when he and his men hunted the wild men of the forest, and caught them in nets. But that's a whole other story.
"A cage?" Frodo offered, remembering when he and Pippin had gone searching for chickens. The memory made him grin. Pippin had also been reminded of the outing at the mention of a cage, and chuckled.
"A cage would require assembly, as would a net," Aragorn thought out loud, "but a ditch, although it might take a morning, would suffice."
"We have no shovels," stated Gimli. "What a clever dwarf." Legolas muttered
"Maybe a cage would be better." Sam suggested.
"Ai." Boromir agreed, "Halflings, go find branches."
"Whack them off the very trees if you must." Gimli added, shooting a daring glare at Legolas, who remained quiet.
"Now, what must the dimensions be?" Aragorn wondered.
"Well, they're usually really tall." Frodo answered, "So if we make the cage as high as Boromir, it should work."
"And they're never fat, so it won't have to be very wide." Pippin added.
And thus, the revolt against Mary Sues had begun.
--------------
Good? Bad? Worth reading the next chapter? Input would be lovely, unless, of course, reviewing is against your religion, which in that case you have my sympathies. Odds' fish, I'm rambling again.
Chapter One
A rustling caught Aragorn's attention. He turned on the spot, his light eyes traveling along the extent of the low lying hedges.
"What do you see?" Legolas asked, moving to stand by his right. Aragorn gestured for silence, and stared harder at the shrubbery. There was no explanation for the cause.
"Strider?" Frodo whispered softly.
"We mustn't tarry." Boromir hissed, joining Aragorn, his hand on the hilt of his sword. Aragorn sighed, giving the brush one last glance, and turning to the others.
"We are being tracked." he explained bluntly. Frodo's eyes widened as his hand fluttered to his neck, where hung the Ring.
"Gollum?" the Ringbearer inquired, craning his neck as if he expected the CGI creature to leap from the bushes and give him an excuse to make gasping sounds so the others would think he was dying.
"I know not." Aragorn exhaled, "But we must maintain caution, and try to lose our pursuer. Let us hope it is not one of them." he put on a noble face, as if to remind the Fellowship that he was, after all, going to be a king.
"Let us continue." Gimli growled, adjusting his pack to his other shoulder.
So on they trekked, forever feeling as if they were being followed. Legolas continually shooting glances behind them to insure there was danger following.
On the second night of the enduring rustling, Boromir swore he would find the source, and disappeared.
Aragorn watched as Merry and Pippin conversed in low tones, occasionally looking around fearfully. Frodo sat alone, staring off into space.
The ranger approached the latter, "What is on your mind, small one?" Frodo sighed, and looked Aragorn in the eyes.
"Do you think Gandalf is at rest?" he asked finally.
"That I can not answer." Aragorn admitted.
"I reckon he's off in the Grey lands, Mr. Frodo." Sam supplied, joining them. Frodo gave a small smile, and said nothing more.
Boromir captured everyone's attention by stumbling out from behind a thicket, holding a struggling being dressed in odd clothes. "Boromir!" Legolas cried, and seized one of the flailing limbs of the form.
"Let go of me. Ouch! Let go!" the person snapped, the voice revealing the gender. Thrusting her face forward, she jerked her hand from Legolas's grasp, and stamped aggressively at Boromir's foot.
"Who are you?" Aragorn demanded, brandishing his sword. The girl's eyes widened as she looked around at the eight.
"Oh my god, this is so freaky!" she exclaimed, shoving some of her dark brown hair out of her face.
"Are you one of them?" Aragorn demanded, unsheathing his sword. The girl's already big eyes widened even further, and she gave a little smile, "Hey guys, what's up?"
"Answer the question!" Gimli growled. The girl shrugged, and asked, "What do you mean, 'one of them?'"
All the members of the fellowship sighed deeply, and many sympathetic glances were shot at Legolas and Frodo. Aragorn took a step forward.
"Almost every day now, we have been plagued by mysterious and beautiful women, not of this world. They refuse to see reason, and do naught but shriek, giggle, and philander, in the most uncouth ways to mainly Legolas and Frodo. To add to that, they expect us to accept them, and let them follow us on our mission."
"Idiot rag-tags dangling at our tails," Boromir snapped, "as if we had nothing better to do than invite them on our quest, as if it was a simple walk with no great consequences."
"God, this isn't how this is supposed to be." The girl whined, "You're supposed to be struck dumb with my beauty." As if to show of the assumed trait, she struck a pose, and smiled coyly at Legolas.
The Elf shuddered, having the feeling that one of the many phrases that had been directed towards him since he joined the Fellowship was inevitable. He sighed, what would it be this time? 'Hey, Sexy Elf?' 'What's up, you prince of hotness, you?' or perhaps 'God, you are sooooo hot?'
And then it came.
"So, sexy, you're not going to let them turn me away, are you?" The girl simpered. Legolas recoiled, and Frodo shot him a look of utmost empathy.
"You will leave now," Aragorn began, "and tell the women of your world to stop bothering us. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Father." The girl snapped, then she paused, "Unless I can come with you?"
"Never." Boromir spat.
"Well, fine then," the girl stammered in a baffled sort of way, "I'll just-uh-go back to psych. class through the portal under my desk."
She stood awkwardly for a moment, looking around at the others. The Fellowship waited for her to depart. The girl looked down, as if trying to remember something. Then she lifted her face up, and began, "Wind, rain, sun rebirth, take me back to planet Earth."
Sparks flew from her, and then she was gone.
Legolas heaved a sigh of unadulterated relief, "Let us continue, before we are tracked again."
"We must find a way to stop them!" Gimli declared.
"But how?" Boromir demanded.
"We could trap them." Pippin suggested.
"And then throw them all in the Brandywine." Merry added. Frodo grinned, despite his heavy heart.
"Nay, we shouldn't kill them." Aragorn replied, "But trapping them is a good notion."
Pippin beamed.
"How would we trap them?" Sam inquired.
"Perhaps lure them with something..." Boromir trailed off, and all eyes rested fixedly on Legolas.
The Elf panicked, "Not I! Please, Elessar, have mercy!"
Aragorn smiled grimly, "It is for the good of the company, my friend."
"Perhaps Frodo might act as bait." Legolas pleaded. Frodo widened his eyes, shaking his head as his fingers clutched the Ring around his neck; as a reminder that he was the Ringbearer.
"He's got enough to worry about as it." Sam defended.
"It would seem the Elf is our choice." Gimli snickered. Legolas glared at the Dwarf, and straightened up even more than usual.
"I shall do what I can, for the good of the company," he sighed, running his hand through his hair. At least, his hand reached the top of his head, where it promptly got stuck. Had his hair been Hobbit-hair length, the gesture would have been effective, but since his hair was up and braided, he had to slide his hand back forward, and hope no one saw.
There was a moment of silence.
"How will we trap them?" Merry asked.
"A ditch, perhaps?" Gimli proposed.
"A net." Boromir advised, thinking back on his glorious days of hunting, when he and his men hunted the wild men of the forest, and caught them in nets. But that's a whole other story.
"A cage?" Frodo offered, remembering when he and Pippin had gone searching for chickens. The memory made him grin. Pippin had also been reminded of the outing at the mention of a cage, and chuckled.
"A cage would require assembly, as would a net," Aragorn thought out loud, "but a ditch, although it might take a morning, would suffice."
"We have no shovels," stated Gimli. "What a clever dwarf." Legolas muttered
"Maybe a cage would be better." Sam suggested.
"Ai." Boromir agreed, "Halflings, go find branches."
"Whack them off the very trees if you must." Gimli added, shooting a daring glare at Legolas, who remained quiet.
"Now, what must the dimensions be?" Aragorn wondered.
"Well, they're usually really tall." Frodo answered, "So if we make the cage as high as Boromir, it should work."
"And they're never fat, so it won't have to be very wide." Pippin added.
And thus, the revolt against Mary Sues had begun.
--------------
Good? Bad? Worth reading the next chapter? Input would be lovely, unless, of course, reviewing is against your religion, which in that case you have my sympathies. Odds' fish, I'm rambling again.