Hi!My named is Link.I am the Hero of Time!Now,I
know it's weird because I'm only 10 years old and I had to save the land of
Hyrule.I still don't get why destiny chose me but that I'll never
understand along with why Princess Ruto gave me the Zora's
Sapphire.Oh,well..If you still don't believe me,then I'll tell you the
whole crazy adventure,beginning to end.............So if you have to go to
the bathroom,I suggest you go right now.....
Chapter One-And So,The Adventure Unfortunately Begins
It all started the beginning of last spring.I was enjoying a nice nap when out of nowhere,this fairy popped out and told me to wake up!I was having this good dream about some babe riding on a horse and meeting this freaky guy when she woke me up!Of all the nerve. "Hey!"Said Annoyance."My name is Navi.The Great Deku Tree asked for you.I'm going to be your new fairy!" "Oh,great..."I thought.Just when life was getting great without an annoying fairy,Dad decided to give me a pet. Well,if Dad hadn't of sent for me,I was going to smack her with my pillow.Unfortunately,I was a bit too lazy to do some smacking just yet.I got up and stretched. "WHATTT?!!"I asked her. "Come on!"Navi said,with a migrainish voice. "The Great Deku Tree(Dad)wants to speak to you!" "Alright!Alright!I hear you!"I mumbled.I jumped out of bed and looked at this weird sign that had been posted on my wall.It read:
Spiders squished:None. Largest fish:0 pounds Marathon Time:0'00
Basically,it was telling me that I sucked.I ripped it up and threw it in the trash but another one grew right back! "O-kay...this is freaky!!I'm outta here!"I went outside and my best friend Saria came up. "Hi,Link!"She smiled,then noticed the thing. "Wow!You got a fairy,too?That's great!" "Not really."I thought.At least HER fairy didn't have an annoying voice. "I think the Great Deku Tree wanted to see you."Saria reminded me,may I add,less annnoying than Navi. "Mido's blocking the way,though,so that sucks." "Man,Mido's such a butthead."I said and looked around to make sure he didn't hear that. "I know....just listen to what he says,though.He went and saw Dad earlier and I think something's wrong with him." "Yeah,"I thought. "He saw Mido's ugly face." I walked up to Mido,who just held out his hand and said, "Brick wall!" "You need a sword and a shield,you loser!"He growled. "Man,forget you!"I yelled and TRIED to get through but NOOO.He kept floating everywhere I tried to get. "Okay,fine!"I stuck out my tongue and looked at the store. "They have good Deku sticks.Maybe they have what I need."I thought and headed inside. Just as I reached the entrance,one of the red headed girl's yelled,"Hello!"from the roof. "Man,forget you."I thought and headed inside. The owner there looked like he really had to go pee.I saw a Deku shield and asked if I could have it."It's 40 rupees."He said. I didn't have one cent!I ran outside and searched for money.After coming back in and out of Saria's house to get this one rupee ten times,I decided to go to Mido's house and steal his money.I opened up all his treasure chests and now had 40 rupees. I proudly took my hard earned cash(Syke)to the store and bought the shield.It was funky looking. "Hey!"I said. "This thing is nasty!I want my money back!" "Sorry,we're closing!"The guy said,before I could breathe and I was kicked out of the store with a funky shield. I decided to worry about the shield later.I needed a sword.As I walked around, collecting Deku nuts,I saw an interesting hole."Gee,I wonder what could be in there."I thought. I crawled inside and saw a clear path to make my move when the mother of all boulders came outta nowhere! "WAAAAHHH!!!!"I yelled as I ran out of the way. "Man,why me?" There was a huge treasure chest there. "Oohh,money money money by the pound."I sang as I opened it up.All,I saw was a dumb sword. "Well,it'll have to do."I thought and didn't watch where I was going as the boulder ran over my foot. "YE-OW!" I limped over to Mido. "Well,let me through,homeboy.I don't got all day." He let me through and now I had to go visit Big Daddy.
Chapter Two-Inside the Titanic(A.K.A Dad)
As I approached Dad's grove,two freaky lookin' Deku weeds popped out of no where!They were nasty!They looked like something that dumb blonde on the platform cooked for The Carnival of the Three Goddesses!! "Gross!"I said and got out my shrimp of a sword.I struck one of the Babas just as they lunged for me.I struck the Deku Baba(I'll just call it "Deku Babe" 'cause it's easier)with my sword and it didn't die!! "You stupid sword!!"I yelled at it. "After I see what Dad wants,I'm flushing you down Saria's toilet!!" I tried to kill the Deku Babe again and it finally shriveled up and died.It also turned into a Deku nut. "Man,why couldn't you turn into a better sword?"I yelled at it. "I never use Deku nuts!!" I turned the corner,after killing the other Babe and saw Dad.Now,I'm telling you:Dad is BIG.And nobody wants to be summoned by him.Why,you ask?You'll see... "Link?Is that thee?"He asked in a raspy voice.Instantly,an aroma of garlic fills my nostrils.Now you see why nobody wants to see him?He's got friggin' garlic breath! "Naw,it's Jerry Springer."I rolled my eyes. "What?Speak up,thy son.Thou must maketh haste." MAKETH WHAT?!! "Yes,it's me."I said,annoyed.Perv..... "Ah,Link,thy son.Thou needth to ask a favor of thee." "Dude,quit talking in Old english!!"I thought "What is it?" "Not too long ago,an evil man by the name of Ganondorf cameth here and demanded that thou giveth him the Kokiri Emerald.Thou refused and thee gave thou a horrible curse..."
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz" A while later I woke up to hear the end part. "So Link,willst thou help thee?"He asked.HUH?! "Um.........yeah....I guess.....whatever..."I mumbled. "Good,enter through thy mouth and breakth thy curse!" UH OH... Titanic opened his mouth and a gust of nasty garlic breath flew in my direction.I gasped for fresh air. Now I was suppose to enter this...this....thing?If you know me,you know I'm not going in that tree's nasty insides and breakthing a friggin' curse. "Uh.....Pops....Do thou haveth to?"Heck!I don't know how to say it! He sighed."Thoust giveth thee a reward if thee breakth thy curse." Now he was speaking my language!!!Heck yeah,I'll go in Dad's revolting stomach and free him of hemroids for a prize!! "Okay!"I agreed and held my breath as I went inside.
The place stank BIG TIME!!! "This had better be a good reward.."I mumbled. "Link!Look!"Said the thing. God,why did she have to add to the chaos? "What is it,you worthless fairy?"I asked. "I'm not telling you now.Don't call me worthless!"She squeaked.I mouthed her. PMS... "Hey!Oh,gross!What's this spider web doing here?"I realized what the sticky stuff was I had stepped on. "That's what I was trying to tell you!"Navi yelled. "There's got to be a way we can get through here." "Yeah...too bad you're not a bomb.I would have thrown you on it to get down there." "Did you say I'm the bomb?!"Navi squealed in excitement.She didn't hear me quite right. Ewwww!Was she getting a crush on me? "No!Darnit!I said...oh never mind.."I decided I might need her in case I'm starving to death.She could poof up some food or something. Since I couldn't go down that way,I climbed up the ladder. "Man,have I got it made."I declared,cheerfully. There was a ledge with a heart on the end.I jumped in got the heart(no real point since I already had 3 full ones)and landed on the spider web again. "GR-OSS!Not again!" I trudged back up the walkway and came to a treasure chest. "Oh,come on!"I whined. "A little challenge here?"I opened up the treasure chest then. "Alright!Toilet paper!Woo woo!"I grinned from ear to ear. "Uhh...Link.I think that's.." "I know it's the Great Deku Tree's but I bet he's got millions of 'em in this dump so what the hey,right?" "Right..."Navi groaned and disappeared.Thank the three Goddesses.. Now I was in a good mood. "~She's a super freak(Navi,but don't tell I was singing about her) ,super freak.She's super freaky.Ye.....OW!!"I realized the door I walked into had shut onto my foot.Now it was even sorer(remember,this got ran over earlier by Big Momma boulder). Inside the room was a thing called a Deku Scrub.It wouldn't hold still when I tried to slash at it.Then,the motheroo hit me with something nasty coming out of its mouth! "Hey!Cut that out!"I yelled at it. "Now I only have 2 and a half hearts left!" Butthead continued so I blocked his next attack with my shield.I suddenly heard a farting sound and noticed that it had died.I don't know how it did but I'm glad!The doors also opened. There was a sharp cliff ,which of course,I jumped over and landed on the ground.There was another treasure chest glistening in the sun there so I opened it. "DUDE!!"I exclaimed. "I always wanted a fairy slingshot!" The first thing I shot with my brand new slingshot was Navi(Hey,it's a 'fairy' slingshot,am I right?She bugged me to stop so I finally did(after 67 times of shooting at her). I then realized that the way I had come from was too high. "Oh please don't tell me I'm stuck here forever!"I whined.I could imagine it now... ~~~~~ O ~~~~~ I'm about seventeen but I'm not tall like I wanted to be.Because of no sunlight,my body shriveled and wrinkled up.I'm married to Navi(G-ROSS and plus,I wouldn't marry that weed in the corner even if it's female!).Nav's killing another Skullfoola for dinner and I'm smoking Deku weed(probably 'cause I'm depressed that I married Navi).There's a little version of me(only with wings)flying around my head,yelling, "Daddy!Hey,Daddy!"Augh...No!It can't be! ~~~~~ O ~~~~~
"Hey!"Said Navi. "No!!!I don't wanna be married to you anymore!"I moaned. "Huh?"Giggled Navi and blushed.Oh yeah.I'm back in real life. "Did you say you wanted to marry me?" Someone's got a hearing problem..... "No,deaf woman!Now what do you want?" Navi frowned(I think...she's too bright to see her face). "There's a ladder up there!" I looked.My prayers were answered! "Use your slingshot and let it fall."Navi told me. "No more garlic breath!!"I cheered and did what she told me.The ladder,of course,fell and I got out of there,fast. "No more smoking Deku weed,eating rotten Skullfoola,and having a 1 foot Link Jr. hovering above my head!" Navi looked at me like I was the one with garlic breath. "WH-AT?!"I asked,annoyed. "Can't I think out aloud in peace?" I came back out of the room and looked around. "Now what'll I do?"I groaned. "That's it!This is friggin' gay!I'm leavin'!" "But Link!"Navi protested. "No.You're a butt!I hate this place!Forget the prize!I already got a free slingshot and toilet paper so back off!"I began walking down the walkway.Suddenly,I tripped on my boot(proving I was a butt `;.... )and fell into the wall. "Link!Are you ok?"Navi gasped. "I'm fine,booty cheese!What is this crud all over the wall?"I groaned and got up. "Looks like a bunch of vines."Navi guessed. "Naw...ya think?"I rolled my eyes and began climbing the wall.I looked down and began getting dizzy. "No time to get afraid of heights,dork."I told myself. "Your momma."I told myself again. I looked back up and came face to face with a giant purple Skulltula!Before I could move,it backed up and knocked the living daylights out of me!! "AAAAHHH!!!"I screamed as I fell.I landed hard on the ground.Luckily,I had two hearts left.I looked up and realized there was not one,but THREE annoying SkullFOOLas on the vines. "MAN,WHY ME?!"I thought again. I,of course,got out my slingshot and pinned their butts to the floor.I also got two sets of Deku seeds.WHOOP.Man,isn't there something that isn't made by Deku(c) Products? I limped into the next room and before any of the creatures could breathe,I got my slingshot out and shot them all.There were two torches in the room.One was lit and the other wasn't. Navi circled around the unlit torch with her weird green lights. "Hey.This one looks just like it just went out.I .." "Congratulations!Tell her what she's won,Bob!"I mumbled. "Stooge!Of course it's unlit!And I suppose I'm supposed to get out a faggot Deku stick and light it?" "Well..."Navi thought a second. My hypothesis proved right.A treasure chest appeared for me. "O-kay?"I thought aloud. "This has got to be some trick.I mean,when you really walk in a dungeon,do treasure chest appear just waiting to be opened?" "I don't.." "Oh,well!"I quickly interrupted Navi's squeak of a voice and looked at the treasure chest. A feeling came over me so I quickly looked around for any sign of paparazzi.Was I on Candid Camera or what,here?Nonetheless,I was gonna beat up my old man for making me do this "Breakth Curse thing". I opened the treasure chest to find an old compass or something.I mean,it was OLD.. "Man,what do I need a stupid compass for?"I groaned."This place is so nasty,it's gonna keep the compass from working!" "Ugh....."I heard Navi groan.PMS strikes again,I suppose... After leaving the room,there was a giant Skullfoola in the way so I shot at it.It only spinned around a couple times then glared at me. "Great!It won't die!Now what?"I looked at Navi for an answer. "Oh,now you want my help!"Navi griped. "Well,I'm not giving it to you.How do you like that?" Poor,poor victim of PMS!!! "Whatever."I rolled my eyes and looked at the Skullfoola's stupid face. "If all else fails,use a dumb Deku nut."A thought flashed through my mind. "Dude."I thought. "It just might work.....and if it doesn't...Forget this.." I threw the Deku balls I MEANT NUT!!Gosh,I get confused sometimes!The Skullfoola froze dead in its tracks and now I made my move.Two slingshot fires and one more b..nut and it died.Luckily,it also turned into three hearts. I replenished my health and looked down.I could barely make out the nasty spider web from earlier.Then,my heights paralysm struck once more.Without warning,I felt myself falling.. "LINK!!!!"Cried Annoyance. I realized that I was leaning out far too much and fell. "Noooo!I don't wanna die!"I whined as I fell.Heck,better start praying...I saw the spider web and imagined my foot shattering when I fell on top of it.Luckily,I fell through it.Now,the new problem was breaking my leg on the ground below. "WHY MEEEEEEE???!!!"I yelled as I fell.....what?!Into water? Alright! I gasped and gurgled.Where was the friggin' ground when I needed it most? After a minute of sloshing in the sewer water,I finally reached land. "LINK?LINK?Are you okay?"Was the first thing I heard after my resurrection. I opened my eyes and swatted the thing. "MAN,I wish you were Mido's fairy!"I groaned. This was only the first part of a looonggg day.
Chapter Three-The Ugliest Freak in the World
I got up from the ground and looked around.There was an unlit torch, a lit torch, some strange block with a moon on it,a Deku Babe,and the nastiest looking Skullfoola I have ever seen! That Skullfoola wasn't as big as the morons from before,but it was all gold so I figured it was a pimp.The odd thing was....it didn't glare at me like I don't know what like the other ones had.It just stayed in the same spot,going round and round and round.. Whatever.It could live as long as it didn't come near me.Sorry,this is Link,not Duke Nukem and if something doesn't mess with me,I won't mess with it. I took out a Deku stick and lit the unlit torch.A mini treasure chest appeared,which only had five crappy rupees worth in it. "Here you go,Navi."I gave PMS and a half my 'hard earned cash'."Go buy yourself a face."
"Haha..."Navi,the queen of pre menstrual syndrome sighed.More for me..haha.. Okay,NOW.That Gold Skullfoola was getting REALLY aggravating.If it had to pee,why didn't it just go?It just kept squirming and squirming...AUGH!!!!! I grabbed my slingshot and shot that sucka down.Suddenly,it turned into a little spinning skull.WHAT THE FREAK?!I touched it and someone told me that I had collected a Gold Skulltula token.Maybe it was something to spend in Chuck E.Cheese's.Definitely a keeper. The place where I wanted to go was a bit high,so I looked around for another path.There was another door....but if you LOVE spiders,you'll be willing to go through ten tons of cobwebs to get to it. Unfortunately,me and spiders don't have much of a good history together,so I was stuck. "Link!Put it on fire!"An unlikeable yet,unlikely to help me right now fairy said. I scadoodled over to the torch and put a Deku stick on fire.When I came back to the giant cobweb all I've got to say is man!Did that sucka lit or what! I jumped into the next room and the door shut behind me.Another faggot Deku scrub was in the middle of the room,surrounded by torches.I had already experienced with torches and scrubs so,basically,it was Cinch City. The new freaky thing was this eyeball on the wall.It made me too afraid to go near the door.For some odd reason,the door wasn't open anyway,although I scared the Deku scrub and lit the torches. "God!"I cried,looking up at the eyeball again.Freaky but not as freaky as... "Yes,Link?"Navi gave a lousy immitation of what God sounded like to her.Freaky-tell didn't sound like what I thought the creator of us sounded like.If he's God,why the heck would he want to have an old man voice like that Big Daddy Deku Tree of mine? Why not a deep,pimp daddy voice to attract every female in Hyrule from here to kingdom come?I swear,Navi is just SO unimaginable sometimes! The eyeball finally pushed me to my limit of freakiness so I grabbed my slingshot and whopped the crap out of it.The door opened.Good riddance.I just wish Navi was like a monster to open to doors when you hit it.Believe me,I would've happily done it fifty million times by now! The next room was obviously built by someone who REALLY wanted me to suffer for going in his room. There was a giant pond with a long stick with spikes stuck all over it.The only way across the pond was on this moving platform,but the platform went under that thing. "NO!!!"I yelled and turned around.I was leaving! Navi obviously was ticked because she grabbed my arm and yelled, "Link!Just what do you think you're doing?"This was the part where I expected her to say "young man" at the end.Gosh,Navi!Go have a million kids and leaves your adoptive son ALONE! "I'm l-e-a-v-i-n-g!"I told her and left that room.I tried not to think of that closed eyeball right above my head. "I'm sorry,Navi, but I value my own bottom more than my pop's.I am leaving and Dad can just croak!" Since Navi had drank too much PMS Cola this morning,she got up in my face and not only blinded me temporarily with her bright self,but she almost made me go deaf with her voice. "Link!I am so sick of you whining and complaining over every liitle thing!Why don't you be the hero the Great Deku Tree thinks you are and believe in yourself?You can do it!" "No,I can't,fool."I shook my head and shoved her out the way. "I'm not the hero Dad thinks I am.I'm just ten friggin' years old and I want to go have fun!" Navi got in my face once more. "Me!Me!Me!That's all you ever think about!Don't you ever wanna do something for somebody else?In fact,why don't you?You're nothing but a conceited little boy who cares for no one!Why don't you be a man and stand up to your fears?" Now,if this were a Disney moment,I would've shoved her out of the way and walk about three steps.Then,I would stop and look down,while in the background,Navi is making a hopeful face.I would then turn around and say, "You're absolutely right,Navi!I don't know what I was thinking!"Then everything would be all la-tee-da.... YEAH RIGHT!For one thing,I rather croak then be in those goody goody Disney films,and another thing:I don't get why females always say"Why don't you be a real man?"What do they know about 'real' men if they aren't even one?Do they think those gay boy band people are real men?I just hate it when girls do that!ESPECIALLY NAVI! I pounded her out of my way and opened the door.Navi's annoying voice now sounded scary,all grave and depressed-like from the other side of the door. "I guess The Great Deku Tree will have to give Mido this job." That struck me with such loathe that I quickly turned around.I could just imagine Mido sneering in my face with whatever awesome reward Deku Brain had given him. "HAHAHAHA!!You loser!You couldn't even save Dad from the simpliest of monsters.God!What a wimp!" No! I couldn't take the thought of Mido being Dad's hero so I was going to do it.I went back into the room,ignored surprized Navi,and headed into the next room. Alvin the chipmunk was right behind me. "So,you've decided to help him after all?" "So,what do I do here,Navi?"I ignored that other bull. "There's a switch under the water over there.If you go.." I jumped into the water before she could finish and dove two feet under to press the underwater switch.The water went down and so the platform could be accessible and not painful. "Cool!"I grinned and jumped on it.What was that ticking noise? "See what happens when you believe you can do it?"Mickey Mouse Wannabe told me. "Whatever,Navi."I sighed and rode down the platform.Suddenly,the switch clicked off and the water came back up.I looked behind me to see that spiky stick within three feet of my body.Man.. Ground luckily came by,so I jumped onto it.Phew! I pushed a block to get up the cliff and killed another moronic Giant Skullfoola. The next room was huge.It was like a dome with nasty cocoons hanging from the celing. As I got nearer to them,they suddenly fell to the ground and hatched into what had to be the sickest looking things I've ever seen!There were three of the one-eyed,smelly things and they were all coming after me. I backed up and grabbed my sword from its sheath. "DIE,YOU FAGGOTS,DIE!!!!!!"I screeched and whipped major booty.
There were cobwebs blocking the other paths so I took a Deku stick,put it on fire,and presto!Instant path!I crawled through a little hole one of the paths led to and realized I was on the platform of the room that I had fallen into earlier.Now there was a hole covered in cobweb like way before that I obviously had to go into. Without complaining,I took my Deku stick,jumped on a platform and lit it by a fiery torch.Then,I returned and crouched down to burn the cobweb.Uh-oh!This was just like before!OH MOMMA!! And,of course,I fell into water again..PHEW!!! There were three Deku scrubs shooting at me at once.The chicken Deku scrub earlier told me to hit them in 2-3-1 order.I did,of course and a giant door opened. "Go on,Link.Don't be a chicken!"High pitched Courage's voice told me. "Navi.Shove it and keep it in there.I'm going."I told her. Navi groaned and disappeared.I decided to face the BIG MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOARD.Cool,eh? The door shut behind me and now it was pitch black.Mist was everywhere. "Ok.Now I really want my mommy!"I moaned to myself. God,did it ever stink in this place!!!This was definitely the source of the garlic breath.Wherever Queen Gohma was(chicken Deku had told me who she was),she better show up soon and die quickly cuz I really had to go pee. My back was creaking so I bent backwards and cracked my back.As I looked up at the celing,I noticed a large eye with a red division side for a pupil.WHAT IN THE WORLD?! The THING,and I mean,this thing was the ugliest freak in the world I had ever seen jumped from the celing and sent me off my feet!It looked like a palm with an eye in it.And it stank BIG TIME. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"Of course was my normal reaction to this thing.All those shows where this dude or babe sees a big monster and doesn't flinch isn't real life.And as I mentioned before,I wasn't Duke Nukem so I ran like the wind! "Link!What are you doing?!"Annoyance caught up with me as I crashed into the closed door. "Screw it all,Nav!I am leaving and there's nothing your puny self can do about it!"I knocked her to the ground and ran my hand all over the wall for a handle to get the heck out of this dump with...WHAT?!NO HANDLE?! Navi was crying on the ground. "You're so mean!"She boohooed.I felt kind of rotten but I can't help being mean to her when she has the world's most annoying voice! I picked her up and nearly strangled her in my grasp."Navi!I have GOT to,and I mean GOT TO get outta here,now! She was obviously scared of my panicky look and my bright red face but I didn't care. "Yyou're nothing but a chicken!"She cried. "And I'm aashamed to be your guardian." "Pssh!Navi,you rej!"I rolled my eyes;my bladder growing more impatient by the minute. "I'm not scared!That thing doesn't look as half as bad as Mido anyway!I'm just saying that 'down there' is calling, and if I don't answer it,I will have one soakin' wet pair of pants.Keep in mind,woman,that I am not going outta my dad's mouth with a wet stain on my shorts so there!" Navi smiled through tears and for some reason,I felt a little better and smiled also. "Be a man,and hold it in for about three more minutes."She grinned. The REAL MAN speech again.I set her down and shoved a Deku nut in my shorts to hold myself for me while I killed Queen Gohma(or Goaway like I prefer). Navi helped target on that sucka as she lunged towards me.I took out a handful of Deku nuts and stunned her temporarily with it.The Kokiri sword stabbed into her red now green eye and hurt her. Queen Goaway ran off,but before I could catch up with her,she ran up the wall and onto the celing.Trouble began popping out of her immediately.Three eggs with baby Goaways popped out and chased me around the dark place. "Oh,puhleese.."I rolled my eyes and drew out my sword again. "Yo,Annoying.Want a Goaway burrito to go?" Navi tsked. "Do your work,Mr.Bladder."She smiled and disappearred. I sure did 'cuz a few tries later and with one heart left,I made that sucka go DOWN.It swerved around like it was drunk and fell to the ground in a million pieces. "Piece of cake."I said,casually and put my sword into its sheath. A heart container appeared and I happily grabbed it. "Now I can survive a fight with Mido longer!" Hopefully,this thing wasn't my prize for saving Dad. A blue portal appeared.Navi flew by it and turned around,all smiles. "Well,Link?Let's go!" "Alright."I nodded and zipping up my shorts,returned from the dark corner,now vandalized with my urine. "Let's go and get thy prize that Daddy Dearest is givething me." As we floated into the portal on outside,I added. "I kinda hope to have more adventures like this,Nav." "Me too."She replied. OH NO..........if that were the case,no indeed!
Chapter Four-The Chapter That Sucks Cuz Someone Dies
I appeared outside of dad.Did he look better since I freeded him of A.I.D.S.?NO!He looked worse! It ticked me off. "Link,is that thee?"He asked. "No,it's Lady Marmalade."I mumbled to myself."Wanna give it a go,OH?!" Okay,now I was beginning to sound gay...."What,my son?Speak up!"He told me. "YES!It's me,thy Da Da."I groaned.You know it's me,Dad so why the freak do you keep on asking who it is?! "Link,thou hates to tell you this,but thy time has drawn near...." HE WAS STILL GOING TO DIE?!"But,Great Deku Tree!"I protested while a concerned Navi looked on."After all I did in there,you're still gonna die?" "Unfortunately..."He breathed."The evil man who didst this to thee got just what he wanted,or so he thought..." 'Why would some dude starting beating up on my old man?He didn't have money and why the heck would some dude beat up a tree?'I thought to myself."What did he want from you?"I asked,ticked. He ignored what I asked."This evil man,Link."He said."He's an evil man named Ganondorf.He cameth to thee to get power of the Triforce from thee.Thou refused and that is why thou gave thee a curse." "What the heck is the Triforce?"I asked.Please tell me that that's the new Power Rangers' series! As vision of Power Ranger:Tri Force danced in my head,Dad explained what it really was. It turned out that the three goddesses.....you know them three heavenly babes named Farore,Nayru,and Din?Well,they invented the Power Ranger thingy as a kind of symbol of all that hard work creating this piece o' crap called Hyrule.Anyway,it had a lot of power in it and stuff so the evil dude wanted it to rule the world. However,I still wondered something.Why beat up on my pop,an old fart of a tree,for some freakin' power when I know for a fact he doesn't have any on him?I mean,come on.Beat on a tree to relieve the stress of not finding power?Dude probably had a fairy earlier in life that was worse than Navi. "What's this reject's name again?"I asked,cracking my knuckles.It was probably something fierce...something heart-piercing...like Butch...or Wolfgang.....or Demon.......or Navi....or Shadow..... "His name..."Dad managed,his freakin' condition growing worse.Man..."....His name wast Ganondorf..." "G....ga.....Ganon........DORF?Is that what you just said?!"I asked in disbelief.With a name like that,you would wonder what the heck was wrong with his momma! "Yes.Ganondorf."Pops replied."He camest from Gerudo Village to get something that thou hast that leadeth to the Triforce!" "And what would that be?"I wondered.A dude with the name Ganondorf definitely has issues! "Thou wants thee to have it,Link."The Great Deku Dude suddenly said."This is the Kokiri Emerald,one of the many keys needed to gain the Triforce!Take it and guard it well!" "But,Dad,I...."I began.Man,I don't wanna be carrying any jewels on me!That Ganon-dude would be freakin' chasing me for the rest of my life to get it! Before I could tell him that tho',the freak gave me this beyond green jewel!It was awesome looking! "Whoa,Pops.It's pimpin' but...are you sure you should leave me with it?I mean.." "Oh,okay then.Link."Dad interrupted."Thou wilst just giveth thy emerald to Mido..." HE-CK,NO!If Big Daddy was going to depend on anyone to carry his treasure around,it was going to be me....AND NOT MIDO!!"Uh...Dad?"I mentioned."On second thought,I think I'll takeththththth it backethth.Mido has a big record of losing things.All the stuff in those treasure chests in his house are missing!Probably scattered all around,ya know?"Heck!how do you speak Old ENGLISH so good,Dad?" "Very well.....cough...Link."The Great Deku Tree agreed.He looked like that big monster on that movie called Alien that I wasn't supposed to see now.(Just think...I'm only ten and I've already seen a rated R movie!Cool,huh?)"Guard thy emerald well and keep a courageous spirit against the evil of the world!Farewell,Link!" "Pops!"I cried out,thinking it was the end. "Navi."He was still alive and ignored me now.How friggin' rude..."Navi,guard Link well with thy life." Crud and a half!I didn't want Navi following around me no more!"Uh...Great Deku Tree,that really isn't necessary..."I began. "I entreat thee,Navi."were Pops final words.It still ticks me off to think that he ignored me in tbe end.Suddenly,he stopped breathing and all the greenness went out of him.He looked like a big brown log now,like any other tree. "Great Deku Tree!"I moaned,realizing that there would be no one around now to protect us Kokiris from evil.Or to spank Mido with his whiplike branches for picking on me.Or to swing on."Well,look on the bright side of this,Link."I thought to myself."At least there won't be anymore garlic aromas around." I was wrong.No sooner did the tips of his longest branches turn brown,did Dad began stinking beyond anything I ever smellt before. "Navi,let's hit the deck!"exclaimed I and ran out the Great Deku Tree's Meadow.. "Goodbye,Great Deku Tree!"I heard her saying to a dead tree.. I groaned."Nav,get the freak!"We galloped around the corner but our escape was ceased by a certain little fruit in our path.... "Brick wall!"Mido yelled and stuck his stinky hand in my face."You're not going anywhere,Link until you explain what's going on!": I pulled out my sword and held out my nasty shield."I've got a freakin' sword and shield now,homeboy.What the frig do you want from me?" "I wanna know about Dad."Mido explained."Did....did he die?" "Yeah....he did."I looked down,ticked that I couldn't have been born bigger than Mido.Life is so friggin' unfair! "You killed him,didn't you?"Mido gasped,suddenly.WHAT?!"Wait until I tell everybody about this!They'll be dying to kill ya!" "I didn't kill him,you fartbreath!" I yelled."I was trying to save his life from this curse this guy named Ganondorf put on him!Dang,man!" "Yeah,sure...."Mido rolled his eyes.However,his voice sounded as if he half-believed me."No wonder you took so long to come back.After you killed him,you probably took all your time,thinking of a story about a retarded guy named Ganondork and curses and other bull like you're telling me right now!" Hmm...Ganondork.That didn't sound half bad.Yeah!That'll be ol' Ganon's new name from now on. "Oh,come on now,you dweeb!You know I don't lie!Why won't you believe me?" Mido thought for a second,but in obviously believing me,he couldn't think up a good comeback. "Shut up,Link,you pointless moron!I don't have time for this!"With that,he began running towards his house. "Just like you don't have time for a good comeback!"I retorted.Mido,on hearing his,ran faster,pretending to no have heard me.I chuckled to myself."This day turned out pretty well.' "I agree!"A familiar,high-pitched pest chirped in. Then again....
Chapter Five-The Gigantic Field That Never Ends...(.Okay,So Maybe It Did)
Chapter One-And So,The Adventure Unfortunately Begins
It all started the beginning of last spring.I was enjoying a nice nap when out of nowhere,this fairy popped out and told me to wake up!I was having this good dream about some babe riding on a horse and meeting this freaky guy when she woke me up!Of all the nerve. "Hey!"Said Annoyance."My name is Navi.The Great Deku Tree asked for you.I'm going to be your new fairy!" "Oh,great..."I thought.Just when life was getting great without an annoying fairy,Dad decided to give me a pet. Well,if Dad hadn't of sent for me,I was going to smack her with my pillow.Unfortunately,I was a bit too lazy to do some smacking just yet.I got up and stretched. "WHATTT?!!"I asked her. "Come on!"Navi said,with a migrainish voice. "The Great Deku Tree(Dad)wants to speak to you!" "Alright!Alright!I hear you!"I mumbled.I jumped out of bed and looked at this weird sign that had been posted on my wall.It read:
Spiders squished:None. Largest fish:0 pounds Marathon Time:0'00
Basically,it was telling me that I sucked.I ripped it up and threw it in the trash but another one grew right back! "O-kay...this is freaky!!I'm outta here!"I went outside and my best friend Saria came up. "Hi,Link!"She smiled,then noticed the thing. "Wow!You got a fairy,too?That's great!" "Not really."I thought.At least HER fairy didn't have an annoying voice. "I think the Great Deku Tree wanted to see you."Saria reminded me,may I add,less annnoying than Navi. "Mido's blocking the way,though,so that sucks." "Man,Mido's such a butthead."I said and looked around to make sure he didn't hear that. "I know....just listen to what he says,though.He went and saw Dad earlier and I think something's wrong with him." "Yeah,"I thought. "He saw Mido's ugly face." I walked up to Mido,who just held out his hand and said, "Brick wall!" "You need a sword and a shield,you loser!"He growled. "Man,forget you!"I yelled and TRIED to get through but NOOO.He kept floating everywhere I tried to get. "Okay,fine!"I stuck out my tongue and looked at the store. "They have good Deku sticks.Maybe they have what I need."I thought and headed inside. Just as I reached the entrance,one of the red headed girl's yelled,"Hello!"from the roof. "Man,forget you."I thought and headed inside. The owner there looked like he really had to go pee.I saw a Deku shield and asked if I could have it."It's 40 rupees."He said. I didn't have one cent!I ran outside and searched for money.After coming back in and out of Saria's house to get this one rupee ten times,I decided to go to Mido's house and steal his money.I opened up all his treasure chests and now had 40 rupees. I proudly took my hard earned cash(Syke)to the store and bought the shield.It was funky looking. "Hey!"I said. "This thing is nasty!I want my money back!" "Sorry,we're closing!"The guy said,before I could breathe and I was kicked out of the store with a funky shield. I decided to worry about the shield later.I needed a sword.As I walked around, collecting Deku nuts,I saw an interesting hole."Gee,I wonder what could be in there."I thought. I crawled inside and saw a clear path to make my move when the mother of all boulders came outta nowhere! "WAAAAHHH!!!!"I yelled as I ran out of the way. "Man,why me?" There was a huge treasure chest there. "Oohh,money money money by the pound."I sang as I opened it up.All,I saw was a dumb sword. "Well,it'll have to do."I thought and didn't watch where I was going as the boulder ran over my foot. "YE-OW!" I limped over to Mido. "Well,let me through,homeboy.I don't got all day." He let me through and now I had to go visit Big Daddy.
Chapter Two-Inside the Titanic(A.K.A Dad)
As I approached Dad's grove,two freaky lookin' Deku weeds popped out of no where!They were nasty!They looked like something that dumb blonde on the platform cooked for The Carnival of the Three Goddesses!! "Gross!"I said and got out my shrimp of a sword.I struck one of the Babas just as they lunged for me.I struck the Deku Baba(I'll just call it "Deku Babe" 'cause it's easier)with my sword and it didn't die!! "You stupid sword!!"I yelled at it. "After I see what Dad wants,I'm flushing you down Saria's toilet!!" I tried to kill the Deku Babe again and it finally shriveled up and died.It also turned into a Deku nut. "Man,why couldn't you turn into a better sword?"I yelled at it. "I never use Deku nuts!!" I turned the corner,after killing the other Babe and saw Dad.Now,I'm telling you:Dad is BIG.And nobody wants to be summoned by him.Why,you ask?You'll see... "Link?Is that thee?"He asked in a raspy voice.Instantly,an aroma of garlic fills my nostrils.Now you see why nobody wants to see him?He's got friggin' garlic breath! "Naw,it's Jerry Springer."I rolled my eyes. "What?Speak up,thy son.Thou must maketh haste." MAKETH WHAT?!! "Yes,it's me."I said,annoyed.Perv..... "Ah,Link,thy son.Thou needth to ask a favor of thee." "Dude,quit talking in Old english!!"I thought "What is it?" "Not too long ago,an evil man by the name of Ganondorf cameth here and demanded that thou giveth him the Kokiri Emerald.Thou refused and thee gave thou a horrible curse..."
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz" A while later I woke up to hear the end part. "So Link,willst thou help thee?"He asked.HUH?! "Um.........yeah....I guess.....whatever..."I mumbled. "Good,enter through thy mouth and breakth thy curse!" UH OH... Titanic opened his mouth and a gust of nasty garlic breath flew in my direction.I gasped for fresh air. Now I was suppose to enter this...this....thing?If you know me,you know I'm not going in that tree's nasty insides and breakthing a friggin' curse. "Uh.....Pops....Do thou haveth to?"Heck!I don't know how to say it! He sighed."Thoust giveth thee a reward if thee breakth thy curse." Now he was speaking my language!!!Heck yeah,I'll go in Dad's revolting stomach and free him of hemroids for a prize!! "Okay!"I agreed and held my breath as I went inside.
The place stank BIG TIME!!! "This had better be a good reward.."I mumbled. "Link!Look!"Said the thing. God,why did she have to add to the chaos? "What is it,you worthless fairy?"I asked. "I'm not telling you now.Don't call me worthless!"She squeaked.I mouthed her. PMS... "Hey!Oh,gross!What's this spider web doing here?"I realized what the sticky stuff was I had stepped on. "That's what I was trying to tell you!"Navi yelled. "There's got to be a way we can get through here." "Yeah...too bad you're not a bomb.I would have thrown you on it to get down there." "Did you say I'm the bomb?!"Navi squealed in excitement.She didn't hear me quite right. Ewwww!Was she getting a crush on me? "No!Darnit!I said...oh never mind.."I decided I might need her in case I'm starving to death.She could poof up some food or something. Since I couldn't go down that way,I climbed up the ladder. "Man,have I got it made."I declared,cheerfully. There was a ledge with a heart on the end.I jumped in got the heart(no real point since I already had 3 full ones)and landed on the spider web again. "GR-OSS!Not again!" I trudged back up the walkway and came to a treasure chest. "Oh,come on!"I whined. "A little challenge here?"I opened up the treasure chest then. "Alright!Toilet paper!Woo woo!"I grinned from ear to ear. "Uhh...Link.I think that's.." "I know it's the Great Deku Tree's but I bet he's got millions of 'em in this dump so what the hey,right?" "Right..."Navi groaned and disappeared.Thank the three Goddesses.. Now I was in a good mood. "~She's a super freak(Navi,but don't tell I was singing about her) ,super freak.She's super freaky.Ye.....OW!!"I realized the door I walked into had shut onto my foot.Now it was even sorer(remember,this got ran over earlier by Big Momma boulder). Inside the room was a thing called a Deku Scrub.It wouldn't hold still when I tried to slash at it.Then,the motheroo hit me with something nasty coming out of its mouth! "Hey!Cut that out!"I yelled at it. "Now I only have 2 and a half hearts left!" Butthead continued so I blocked his next attack with my shield.I suddenly heard a farting sound and noticed that it had died.I don't know how it did but I'm glad!The doors also opened. There was a sharp cliff ,which of course,I jumped over and landed on the ground.There was another treasure chest glistening in the sun there so I opened it. "DUDE!!"I exclaimed. "I always wanted a fairy slingshot!" The first thing I shot with my brand new slingshot was Navi(Hey,it's a 'fairy' slingshot,am I right?She bugged me to stop so I finally did(after 67 times of shooting at her). I then realized that the way I had come from was too high. "Oh please don't tell me I'm stuck here forever!"I whined.I could imagine it now... ~~~~~ O ~~~~~ I'm about seventeen but I'm not tall like I wanted to be.Because of no sunlight,my body shriveled and wrinkled up.I'm married to Navi(G-ROSS and plus,I wouldn't marry that weed in the corner even if it's female!).Nav's killing another Skullfoola for dinner and I'm smoking Deku weed(probably 'cause I'm depressed that I married Navi).There's a little version of me(only with wings)flying around my head,yelling, "Daddy!Hey,Daddy!"Augh...No!It can't be! ~~~~~ O ~~~~~
"Hey!"Said Navi. "No!!!I don't wanna be married to you anymore!"I moaned. "Huh?"Giggled Navi and blushed.Oh yeah.I'm back in real life. "Did you say you wanted to marry me?" Someone's got a hearing problem..... "No,deaf woman!Now what do you want?" Navi frowned(I think...she's too bright to see her face). "There's a ladder up there!" I looked.My prayers were answered! "Use your slingshot and let it fall."Navi told me. "No more garlic breath!!"I cheered and did what she told me.The ladder,of course,fell and I got out of there,fast. "No more smoking Deku weed,eating rotten Skullfoola,and having a 1 foot Link Jr. hovering above my head!" Navi looked at me like I was the one with garlic breath. "WH-AT?!"I asked,annoyed. "Can't I think out aloud in peace?" I came back out of the room and looked around. "Now what'll I do?"I groaned. "That's it!This is friggin' gay!I'm leavin'!" "But Link!"Navi protested. "No.You're a butt!I hate this place!Forget the prize!I already got a free slingshot and toilet paper so back off!"I began walking down the walkway.Suddenly,I tripped on my boot(proving I was a butt `;.... )and fell into the wall. "Link!Are you ok?"Navi gasped. "I'm fine,booty cheese!What is this crud all over the wall?"I groaned and got up. "Looks like a bunch of vines."Navi guessed. "Naw...ya think?"I rolled my eyes and began climbing the wall.I looked down and began getting dizzy. "No time to get afraid of heights,dork."I told myself. "Your momma."I told myself again. I looked back up and came face to face with a giant purple Skulltula!Before I could move,it backed up and knocked the living daylights out of me!! "AAAAHHH!!!"I screamed as I fell.I landed hard on the ground.Luckily,I had two hearts left.I looked up and realized there was not one,but THREE annoying SkullFOOLas on the vines. "MAN,WHY ME?!"I thought again. I,of course,got out my slingshot and pinned their butts to the floor.I also got two sets of Deku seeds.WHOOP.Man,isn't there something that isn't made by Deku(c) Products? I limped into the next room and before any of the creatures could breathe,I got my slingshot out and shot them all.There were two torches in the room.One was lit and the other wasn't. Navi circled around the unlit torch with her weird green lights. "Hey.This one looks just like it just went out.I .." "Congratulations!Tell her what she's won,Bob!"I mumbled. "Stooge!Of course it's unlit!And I suppose I'm supposed to get out a faggot Deku stick and light it?" "Well..."Navi thought a second. My hypothesis proved right.A treasure chest appeared for me. "O-kay?"I thought aloud. "This has got to be some trick.I mean,when you really walk in a dungeon,do treasure chest appear just waiting to be opened?" "I don't.." "Oh,well!"I quickly interrupted Navi's squeak of a voice and looked at the treasure chest. A feeling came over me so I quickly looked around for any sign of paparazzi.Was I on Candid Camera or what,here?Nonetheless,I was gonna beat up my old man for making me do this "Breakth Curse thing". I opened the treasure chest to find an old compass or something.I mean,it was OLD.. "Man,what do I need a stupid compass for?"I groaned."This place is so nasty,it's gonna keep the compass from working!" "Ugh....."I heard Navi groan.PMS strikes again,I suppose... After leaving the room,there was a giant Skullfoola in the way so I shot at it.It only spinned around a couple times then glared at me. "Great!It won't die!Now what?"I looked at Navi for an answer. "Oh,now you want my help!"Navi griped. "Well,I'm not giving it to you.How do you like that?" Poor,poor victim of PMS!!! "Whatever."I rolled my eyes and looked at the Skullfoola's stupid face. "If all else fails,use a dumb Deku nut."A thought flashed through my mind. "Dude."I thought. "It just might work.....and if it doesn't...Forget this.." I threw the Deku balls I MEANT NUT!!Gosh,I get confused sometimes!The Skullfoola froze dead in its tracks and now I made my move.Two slingshot fires and one more b..nut and it died.Luckily,it also turned into three hearts. I replenished my health and looked down.I could barely make out the nasty spider web from earlier.Then,my heights paralysm struck once more.Without warning,I felt myself falling.. "LINK!!!!"Cried Annoyance. I realized that I was leaning out far too much and fell. "Noooo!I don't wanna die!"I whined as I fell.Heck,better start praying...I saw the spider web and imagined my foot shattering when I fell on top of it.Luckily,I fell through it.Now,the new problem was breaking my leg on the ground below. "WHY MEEEEEEE???!!!"I yelled as I fell.....what?!Into water? Alright! I gasped and gurgled.Where was the friggin' ground when I needed it most? After a minute of sloshing in the sewer water,I finally reached land. "LINK?LINK?Are you okay?"Was the first thing I heard after my resurrection. I opened my eyes and swatted the thing. "MAN,I wish you were Mido's fairy!"I groaned. This was only the first part of a looonggg day.
Chapter Three-The Ugliest Freak in the World
I got up from the ground and looked around.There was an unlit torch, a lit torch, some strange block with a moon on it,a Deku Babe,and the nastiest looking Skullfoola I have ever seen! That Skullfoola wasn't as big as the morons from before,but it was all gold so I figured it was a pimp.The odd thing was....it didn't glare at me like I don't know what like the other ones had.It just stayed in the same spot,going round and round and round.. Whatever.It could live as long as it didn't come near me.Sorry,this is Link,not Duke Nukem and if something doesn't mess with me,I won't mess with it. I took out a Deku stick and lit the unlit torch.A mini treasure chest appeared,which only had five crappy rupees worth in it. "Here you go,Navi."I gave PMS and a half my 'hard earned cash'."Go buy yourself a face."
"Haha..."Navi,the queen of pre menstrual syndrome sighed.More for me..haha.. Okay,NOW.That Gold Skullfoola was getting REALLY aggravating.If it had to pee,why didn't it just go?It just kept squirming and squirming...AUGH!!!!! I grabbed my slingshot and shot that sucka down.Suddenly,it turned into a little spinning skull.WHAT THE FREAK?!I touched it and someone told me that I had collected a Gold Skulltula token.Maybe it was something to spend in Chuck E.Cheese's.Definitely a keeper. The place where I wanted to go was a bit high,so I looked around for another path.There was another door....but if you LOVE spiders,you'll be willing to go through ten tons of cobwebs to get to it. Unfortunately,me and spiders don't have much of a good history together,so I was stuck. "Link!Put it on fire!"An unlikeable yet,unlikely to help me right now fairy said. I scadoodled over to the torch and put a Deku stick on fire.When I came back to the giant cobweb all I've got to say is man!Did that sucka lit or what! I jumped into the next room and the door shut behind me.Another faggot Deku scrub was in the middle of the room,surrounded by torches.I had already experienced with torches and scrubs so,basically,it was Cinch City. The new freaky thing was this eyeball on the wall.It made me too afraid to go near the door.For some odd reason,the door wasn't open anyway,although I scared the Deku scrub and lit the torches. "God!"I cried,looking up at the eyeball again.Freaky but not as freaky as... "Yes,Link?"Navi gave a lousy immitation of what God sounded like to her.Freaky-tell didn't sound like what I thought the creator of us sounded like.If he's God,why the heck would he want to have an old man voice like that Big Daddy Deku Tree of mine? Why not a deep,pimp daddy voice to attract every female in Hyrule from here to kingdom come?I swear,Navi is just SO unimaginable sometimes! The eyeball finally pushed me to my limit of freakiness so I grabbed my slingshot and whopped the crap out of it.The door opened.Good riddance.I just wish Navi was like a monster to open to doors when you hit it.Believe me,I would've happily done it fifty million times by now! The next room was obviously built by someone who REALLY wanted me to suffer for going in his room. There was a giant pond with a long stick with spikes stuck all over it.The only way across the pond was on this moving platform,but the platform went under that thing. "NO!!!"I yelled and turned around.I was leaving! Navi obviously was ticked because she grabbed my arm and yelled, "Link!Just what do you think you're doing?"This was the part where I expected her to say "young man" at the end.Gosh,Navi!Go have a million kids and leaves your adoptive son ALONE! "I'm l-e-a-v-i-n-g!"I told her and left that room.I tried not to think of that closed eyeball right above my head. "I'm sorry,Navi, but I value my own bottom more than my pop's.I am leaving and Dad can just croak!" Since Navi had drank too much PMS Cola this morning,she got up in my face and not only blinded me temporarily with her bright self,but she almost made me go deaf with her voice. "Link!I am so sick of you whining and complaining over every liitle thing!Why don't you be the hero the Great Deku Tree thinks you are and believe in yourself?You can do it!" "No,I can't,fool."I shook my head and shoved her out the way. "I'm not the hero Dad thinks I am.I'm just ten friggin' years old and I want to go have fun!" Navi got in my face once more. "Me!Me!Me!That's all you ever think about!Don't you ever wanna do something for somebody else?In fact,why don't you?You're nothing but a conceited little boy who cares for no one!Why don't you be a man and stand up to your fears?" Now,if this were a Disney moment,I would've shoved her out of the way and walk about three steps.Then,I would stop and look down,while in the background,Navi is making a hopeful face.I would then turn around and say, "You're absolutely right,Navi!I don't know what I was thinking!"Then everything would be all la-tee-da.... YEAH RIGHT!For one thing,I rather croak then be in those goody goody Disney films,and another thing:I don't get why females always say"Why don't you be a real man?"What do they know about 'real' men if they aren't even one?Do they think those gay boy band people are real men?I just hate it when girls do that!ESPECIALLY NAVI! I pounded her out of my way and opened the door.Navi's annoying voice now sounded scary,all grave and depressed-like from the other side of the door. "I guess The Great Deku Tree will have to give Mido this job." That struck me with such loathe that I quickly turned around.I could just imagine Mido sneering in my face with whatever awesome reward Deku Brain had given him. "HAHAHAHA!!You loser!You couldn't even save Dad from the simpliest of monsters.God!What a wimp!" No! I couldn't take the thought of Mido being Dad's hero so I was going to do it.I went back into the room,ignored surprized Navi,and headed into the next room. Alvin the chipmunk was right behind me. "So,you've decided to help him after all?" "So,what do I do here,Navi?"I ignored that other bull. "There's a switch under the water over there.If you go.." I jumped into the water before she could finish and dove two feet under to press the underwater switch.The water went down and so the platform could be accessible and not painful. "Cool!"I grinned and jumped on it.What was that ticking noise? "See what happens when you believe you can do it?"Mickey Mouse Wannabe told me. "Whatever,Navi."I sighed and rode down the platform.Suddenly,the switch clicked off and the water came back up.I looked behind me to see that spiky stick within three feet of my body.Man.. Ground luckily came by,so I jumped onto it.Phew! I pushed a block to get up the cliff and killed another moronic Giant Skullfoola. The next room was huge.It was like a dome with nasty cocoons hanging from the celing. As I got nearer to them,they suddenly fell to the ground and hatched into what had to be the sickest looking things I've ever seen!There were three of the one-eyed,smelly things and they were all coming after me. I backed up and grabbed my sword from its sheath. "DIE,YOU FAGGOTS,DIE!!!!!!"I screeched and whipped major booty.
There were cobwebs blocking the other paths so I took a Deku stick,put it on fire,and presto!Instant path!I crawled through a little hole one of the paths led to and realized I was on the platform of the room that I had fallen into earlier.Now there was a hole covered in cobweb like way before that I obviously had to go into. Without complaining,I took my Deku stick,jumped on a platform and lit it by a fiery torch.Then,I returned and crouched down to burn the cobweb.Uh-oh!This was just like before!OH MOMMA!! And,of course,I fell into water again..PHEW!!! There were three Deku scrubs shooting at me at once.The chicken Deku scrub earlier told me to hit them in 2-3-1 order.I did,of course and a giant door opened. "Go on,Link.Don't be a chicken!"High pitched Courage's voice told me. "Navi.Shove it and keep it in there.I'm going."I told her. Navi groaned and disappeared.I decided to face the BIG MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOARD.Cool,eh? The door shut behind me and now it was pitch black.Mist was everywhere. "Ok.Now I really want my mommy!"I moaned to myself. God,did it ever stink in this place!!!This was definitely the source of the garlic breath.Wherever Queen Gohma was(chicken Deku had told me who she was),she better show up soon and die quickly cuz I really had to go pee. My back was creaking so I bent backwards and cracked my back.As I looked up at the celing,I noticed a large eye with a red division side for a pupil.WHAT IN THE WORLD?! The THING,and I mean,this thing was the ugliest freak in the world I had ever seen jumped from the celing and sent me off my feet!It looked like a palm with an eye in it.And it stank BIG TIME. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"Of course was my normal reaction to this thing.All those shows where this dude or babe sees a big monster and doesn't flinch isn't real life.And as I mentioned before,I wasn't Duke Nukem so I ran like the wind! "Link!What are you doing?!"Annoyance caught up with me as I crashed into the closed door. "Screw it all,Nav!I am leaving and there's nothing your puny self can do about it!"I knocked her to the ground and ran my hand all over the wall for a handle to get the heck out of this dump with...WHAT?!NO HANDLE?! Navi was crying on the ground. "You're so mean!"She boohooed.I felt kind of rotten but I can't help being mean to her when she has the world's most annoying voice! I picked her up and nearly strangled her in my grasp."Navi!I have GOT to,and I mean GOT TO get outta here,now! She was obviously scared of my panicky look and my bright red face but I didn't care. "Yyou're nothing but a chicken!"She cried. "And I'm aashamed to be your guardian." "Pssh!Navi,you rej!"I rolled my eyes;my bladder growing more impatient by the minute. "I'm not scared!That thing doesn't look as half as bad as Mido anyway!I'm just saying that 'down there' is calling, and if I don't answer it,I will have one soakin' wet pair of pants.Keep in mind,woman,that I am not going outta my dad's mouth with a wet stain on my shorts so there!" Navi smiled through tears and for some reason,I felt a little better and smiled also. "Be a man,and hold it in for about three more minutes."She grinned. The REAL MAN speech again.I set her down and shoved a Deku nut in my shorts to hold myself for me while I killed Queen Gohma(or Goaway like I prefer). Navi helped target on that sucka as she lunged towards me.I took out a handful of Deku nuts and stunned her temporarily with it.The Kokiri sword stabbed into her red now green eye and hurt her. Queen Goaway ran off,but before I could catch up with her,she ran up the wall and onto the celing.Trouble began popping out of her immediately.Three eggs with baby Goaways popped out and chased me around the dark place. "Oh,puhleese.."I rolled my eyes and drew out my sword again. "Yo,Annoying.Want a Goaway burrito to go?" Navi tsked. "Do your work,Mr.Bladder."She smiled and disappearred. I sure did 'cuz a few tries later and with one heart left,I made that sucka go DOWN.It swerved around like it was drunk and fell to the ground in a million pieces. "Piece of cake."I said,casually and put my sword into its sheath. A heart container appeared and I happily grabbed it. "Now I can survive a fight with Mido longer!" Hopefully,this thing wasn't my prize for saving Dad. A blue portal appeared.Navi flew by it and turned around,all smiles. "Well,Link?Let's go!" "Alright."I nodded and zipping up my shorts,returned from the dark corner,now vandalized with my urine. "Let's go and get thy prize that Daddy Dearest is givething me." As we floated into the portal on outside,I added. "I kinda hope to have more adventures like this,Nav." "Me too."She replied. OH NO..........if that were the case,no indeed!
Chapter Four-The Chapter That Sucks Cuz Someone Dies
I appeared outside of dad.Did he look better since I freeded him of A.I.D.S.?NO!He looked worse! It ticked me off. "Link,is that thee?"He asked. "No,it's Lady Marmalade."I mumbled to myself."Wanna give it a go,OH?!" Okay,now I was beginning to sound gay...."What,my son?Speak up!"He told me. "YES!It's me,thy Da Da."I groaned.You know it's me,Dad so why the freak do you keep on asking who it is?! "Link,thou hates to tell you this,but thy time has drawn near...." HE WAS STILL GOING TO DIE?!"But,Great Deku Tree!"I protested while a concerned Navi looked on."After all I did in there,you're still gonna die?" "Unfortunately..."He breathed."The evil man who didst this to thee got just what he wanted,or so he thought..." 'Why would some dude starting beating up on my old man?He didn't have money and why the heck would some dude beat up a tree?'I thought to myself."What did he want from you?"I asked,ticked. He ignored what I asked."This evil man,Link."He said."He's an evil man named Ganondorf.He cameth to thee to get power of the Triforce from thee.Thou refused and that is why thou gave thee a curse." "What the heck is the Triforce?"I asked.Please tell me that that's the new Power Rangers' series! As vision of Power Ranger:Tri Force danced in my head,Dad explained what it really was. It turned out that the three goddesses.....you know them three heavenly babes named Farore,Nayru,and Din?Well,they invented the Power Ranger thingy as a kind of symbol of all that hard work creating this piece o' crap called Hyrule.Anyway,it had a lot of power in it and stuff so the evil dude wanted it to rule the world. However,I still wondered something.Why beat up on my pop,an old fart of a tree,for some freakin' power when I know for a fact he doesn't have any on him?I mean,come on.Beat on a tree to relieve the stress of not finding power?Dude probably had a fairy earlier in life that was worse than Navi. "What's this reject's name again?"I asked,cracking my knuckles.It was probably something fierce...something heart-piercing...like Butch...or Wolfgang.....or Demon.......or Navi....or Shadow..... "His name..."Dad managed,his freakin' condition growing worse.Man..."....His name wast Ganondorf..." "G....ga.....Ganon........DORF?Is that what you just said?!"I asked in disbelief.With a name like that,you would wonder what the heck was wrong with his momma! "Yes.Ganondorf."Pops replied."He camest from Gerudo Village to get something that thou hast that leadeth to the Triforce!" "And what would that be?"I wondered.A dude with the name Ganondorf definitely has issues! "Thou wants thee to have it,Link."The Great Deku Dude suddenly said."This is the Kokiri Emerald,one of the many keys needed to gain the Triforce!Take it and guard it well!" "But,Dad,I...."I began.Man,I don't wanna be carrying any jewels on me!That Ganon-dude would be freakin' chasing me for the rest of my life to get it! Before I could tell him that tho',the freak gave me this beyond green jewel!It was awesome looking! "Whoa,Pops.It's pimpin' but...are you sure you should leave me with it?I mean.." "Oh,okay then.Link."Dad interrupted."Thou wilst just giveth thy emerald to Mido..." HE-CK,NO!If Big Daddy was going to depend on anyone to carry his treasure around,it was going to be me....AND NOT MIDO!!"Uh...Dad?"I mentioned."On second thought,I think I'll takeththththth it backethth.Mido has a big record of losing things.All the stuff in those treasure chests in his house are missing!Probably scattered all around,ya know?"Heck!how do you speak Old ENGLISH so good,Dad?" "Very well.....cough...Link."The Great Deku Tree agreed.He looked like that big monster on that movie called Alien that I wasn't supposed to see now.(Just think...I'm only ten and I've already seen a rated R movie!Cool,huh?)"Guard thy emerald well and keep a courageous spirit against the evil of the world!Farewell,Link!" "Pops!"I cried out,thinking it was the end. "Navi."He was still alive and ignored me now.How friggin' rude..."Navi,guard Link well with thy life." Crud and a half!I didn't want Navi following around me no more!"Uh...Great Deku Tree,that really isn't necessary..."I began. "I entreat thee,Navi."were Pops final words.It still ticks me off to think that he ignored me in tbe end.Suddenly,he stopped breathing and all the greenness went out of him.He looked like a big brown log now,like any other tree. "Great Deku Tree!"I moaned,realizing that there would be no one around now to protect us Kokiris from evil.Or to spank Mido with his whiplike branches for picking on me.Or to swing on."Well,look on the bright side of this,Link."I thought to myself."At least there won't be anymore garlic aromas around." I was wrong.No sooner did the tips of his longest branches turn brown,did Dad began stinking beyond anything I ever smellt before. "Navi,let's hit the deck!"exclaimed I and ran out the Great Deku Tree's Meadow.. "Goodbye,Great Deku Tree!"I heard her saying to a dead tree.. I groaned."Nav,get the freak!"We galloped around the corner but our escape was ceased by a certain little fruit in our path.... "Brick wall!"Mido yelled and stuck his stinky hand in my face."You're not going anywhere,Link until you explain what's going on!": I pulled out my sword and held out my nasty shield."I've got a freakin' sword and shield now,homeboy.What the frig do you want from me?" "I wanna know about Dad."Mido explained."Did....did he die?" "Yeah....he did."I looked down,ticked that I couldn't have been born bigger than Mido.Life is so friggin' unfair! "You killed him,didn't you?"Mido gasped,suddenly.WHAT?!"Wait until I tell everybody about this!They'll be dying to kill ya!" "I didn't kill him,you fartbreath!" I yelled."I was trying to save his life from this curse this guy named Ganondorf put on him!Dang,man!" "Yeah,sure...."Mido rolled his eyes.However,his voice sounded as if he half-believed me."No wonder you took so long to come back.After you killed him,you probably took all your time,thinking of a story about a retarded guy named Ganondork and curses and other bull like you're telling me right now!" Hmm...Ganondork.That didn't sound half bad.Yeah!That'll be ol' Ganon's new name from now on. "Oh,come on now,you dweeb!You know I don't lie!Why won't you believe me?" Mido thought for a second,but in obviously believing me,he couldn't think up a good comeback. "Shut up,Link,you pointless moron!I don't have time for this!"With that,he began running towards his house. "Just like you don't have time for a good comeback!"I retorted.Mido,on hearing his,ran faster,pretending to no have heard me.I chuckled to myself."This day turned out pretty well.' "I agree!"A familiar,high-pitched pest chirped in. Then again....
Chapter Five-The Gigantic Field That Never Ends...(.Okay,So Maybe It Did)