It had been eight days since the suicide watch had been imposed on one of her best friends. It had been fifteen days since the ship had arrived bearing the weary and broken remnants of the only survivors. It had been thirty-eight days since they received the news via a weak and garbled subspace communication. It had been thirty-seven days since she had slept for more than an hour or two at a time. It had been forty-five days since Earth was destroyed. She wondered if she would ever count time in anything but days again.
---------------
Day 48
Sam was at her desk trying to focus on the data on her laptop in front of her but her eyes were gritty from lack of sleep. As she read, her eyelids started closing on their own and she shook her head to try and stay awake.
A voice from the doorway startled her, "I think you need a nap, Colonel."
She looked over to see Sheppard leaning in the doorway, and she wondered exactly how long he had been there. "I'm fine. I just need some coffee."
"What you need is eight consecutive hours of sleep."
"I'm fine."
John's expression was a mixture of concern and a look that screamed that he wasn't buying it. He stepped into the office and shut the door behind him. "Permission to speak freely?"
She raised an eyebrow at his passing nod to protocol, and nodded.
"You're not fine. Hell, I'm not fine. None of us are fine. But everyone is looking to us as their leaders to get them through this somehow. You can't do that if you're falling on your face at your desk. We, and you especially, need to be on the top of our game or else everything is just going to fall apart. So please, turn off your radio and go and get some food and some rest," he paused and added gently, "I'll take this watch."
Sam thought about what he said for a moment, then stood and closed her laptop. Her eyes met John's and she said, "You're right."
After a bowl of soup and sandwich in the mess, Sam headed for her quarters. She had just pulled off her boots and was about to get undressed when her radio chimed in her ear. She tapped it without thinking and heard Sheppard on a private channel tease, "Didn't we talk about you turning off your radio?"
She chuckled in spite of herself, "Did anyone ever tell you you're a nag? But for your information, I was just about to get in the shower and put on my pajamas."
"You know, even though I'm a guy that would naturally have a certain amount of healthy interest in that normally, I just don't think that's a mental image I'm supposed to have, Colonel. Goodnight. Get some sleep."
She heard the channel disconnect and she pulled the radio out of her ear. As she placed it on the nightstand and headed for the bathroom Sam smiled gently, no one had teased her like that in a long time.
---------------
Day 65
Sam had slept well for the first time since they had received the news of Earth's destruction. Ronon had some how, some way managed to get through to Daniel. She wasn't sure how but he had gotten Daniel to shower and eat and when she had seen them hieing off to an unexplored part of the city yesterday, Daniel's coloring had lost a little of the grayish pallor that had made him look so haunted. She allowed herself the smallest sliver of hope that maybe Daniel wasn't lost to them after all.
Her mood was upbeat as she entered her office. She had had a little spark of inspiration for the theoretical problem that she had been working on here and there on the white board in her office. She put her laptop down on the desk and carried her coffee over to the board and stood there in shock. Someone had, for lack of a better word, vandalized her white board. She calmed down when she realized that the equations themselves hadn't been touched, but there were silly little stick figures and random doodles in the open spaces around the equations and some of the zeros had been turned into smiley faces. A game of tic-tac-toe was even started in the corner with one lonely "X" in a corner square. She had just about decided that the perpetrator had to have been McKay when she saw something else. There was an arrow pointing to a negative sign in one of the equations and in little tiny, familiar letters the vandal had written, "Sure about that?"
Her eyes narrowed and the smirk came without permission as the identity of her vandal flared in he mind. Sheppard.
She stepped to the doorway of her office and saw John down by the gate speaking with the trading team that was about to head out for food supplies.
His eyes reluctantly met hers and she could see him trying not to laugh. She just shook her head and pointed at him playfully.
Heading back into her office she erased his doodles but left the tic-tac-toe game in the corner and added an "O" to it, knowing her vandal would be back to play. And as she reviewed the equations she came to a startling discovery- the negative that he had pointed out really should be a positive.
---------------
Day 91
Sam chewed a bite of her sandwich slowly as she regarded the chessboard in front of her. She frowned and looked up at her opponent. John was happily eating his own sandwich and was smirking. He swallowed and teased, "I've got you in four moves."
Sam grimaced playfully, knowing he was right. They were pretty even on skill level and typically swapped win for win in these regular little lunchtime games out on the balcony. Long before Earth was destroyed they had started meeting casually over a sandwich a couple of times a week to discuss the myriad of little things that always seemed to get lost in the shuffle at staff meetings. Gradually the meetings migrated from Sam's office to the balcony so they could enjoy a bit of fresh air and sunshine. The chessboard appearing with Sheppard and his sandwich a few weeks ago was a just a natural progression, tic-tac-toe on the white board had gotten old fast. Their lunchtime meetings were light and a welcome break for both of them, and it gave them a way to bond and find some common ground for their own personal and professional relationship to grow.
Not quite ready to concede defeat, she moved her knight and sat back. John took another look at the board and another bite of his sandwich.
Sam said lightly, "I was thinking about some things, can I bounce them off you?"
John teased, "You know there is a joke in there about when aren't you thinking, but I'll try and restrain myself."
Sam chuckled. She couldn't help herself. When he was in these silly, lighthearted moods John reminded her of Cam and of Jack and so many others she had been close to back on Earth. And sometimes, just sometimes, when he would give her a smirk as slouched lazily in his chair she wondered if in another time and place if he could have been someone that might have fallen in love with her, someone for her to fall in love with in return. He was after all, without question, a card-carrying member of the lunatic fringe she was known to fall for. But those thoughts were always quickly tamped back down, they had no place in their current working relationship.
She teased back, "I appreciate that. Anyway, what I was thinking...."
---------------
Day 95
Two quiet announcements were posted city-wide. Both were aimed at the military contingent of the expedition, but the implications caused ripples of excitement and approval through the entire city, civilian and military alike. They were a small, close community and the repeal of both the military fraternization regulations and the infamous policy known as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" had long-reaching, positive ramifications for all its citizens. It gave them the freedom to seek out relationships of their own choosing based on compatibility and attraction without fear of breaking rules. It was a move forward, looking past the grief and loss towards the future.
Their lunchtime chess game ended in a stalemate. They were finally equals.
---------------
Day 112
John stuck his head in her office to see her standing in front of her white board and asked lightly, "Busy?"
"Not technically I guess. It is supposed to be our mandatory day off. I figured I'd play with this for a while. I know it sounds weird, but it's relaxing for me. What are you up to today?"
"I'm taking a bunch of folks to the mainland for the day. There are some killer waves breaking and it'll be a great day to be on the beach."
She smiled and replied a little wistfully, "It's a beautiful day for that."
"Why don't you come with us? You haven't been out of the city in months. A day on the beach'll be good for you."
She chewed on her bottom lip for a second or two and he added in a sing-song voice, "I'll teach you how to surf."
If anyone on the beach thought it odd that the two primary leaders of Atlantis were laughing and carrying on in the water like a couple of college kids on spring break no one mentioned it. It was just good to see them out in the sun and enjoying themselves and allowing themselves to move past the grief of losing Earth. If they could do it, so could the rest of the expedition.
---------------
Day 147
How she got talked into this she decided she'd never know. But she had to admit as she swung the club and sent the ball sailing in a wildly imperfect arc, it was fun.
"What was that?" John questioned from a safe distance. And without hesitation or seeking permission, he stepped up behind her and reached around her to adjust her grip. "Here, like this," he instructed in her ear.
John was normally extremely respectful of women's personal space, so much so that his discomfort in casual physical contact was readily apparent. So for him to initiate such an impulsive breach of her space was unusual and Sam was willing to bet that he had no idea what sort of signals his body plastered up against hers was sending. Sam hadn't been with anyone sexually in a long time, since before her posting to Atlantis if truth be told, and that part of herself that she had tried to bury was wide awake and telling her that it was more than interested in the current situation. But even more than the sexual, it had been just a very long time since anyone had simply had his arms around her and she found herself suddenly wanting that desperately. And needing it with an intensity that terrified her.
She dropped her chin to her chest and closed her eyes. Her hands began to shake and John knew that something wasn't quite right. "You okay?" he asked gently.
Sam shook her head in response, not quite trusting herself to speak. Maybe her own body was sending out signals of its own, she didn't know, but somehow he knew what exactly what she needed. He tugged the club out of her grip and let it fall to the mat then turned Sam around gently and pulled her into a tight embrace. She lost all sense of time as they stood there, just letting herself get lost in the moment. John's body was warm against hers and his heartbeat strong and even. His hands were gently rubbing her back just a little and she realized that they were swaying a bit where they were standing, matching the waves slapping the edge of the city. It was the first time since they had gotten the news about Earth that she hadn't felt completely alone and completely cut off from everyone and everything.
He gave her a little extra squeeze and whispered, "You're not an island you know, and you're not alone in all this. If you need to cry and grieve, you do it. I already know how tough you are, you don't have anything to prove to me."
Sam didn't answer but unconsciously she pressed herself even closer to him and tightened her grip on the front of his shirt.
He held her a while longer and added gently, "And if you just need a hug every once and a while you just let me know. 'Kay?"
Sam sniffed hard and nodded against his chest.
---------------
Day 163
Sam was at her desk when her email alert flashed on the computer. It was simple six word email that hit her like a runaway locomotive.
Her emotions were still on high from it a bit later when John entered her office and found her pacing around reading from a tablet computer. When she looked up he could see the excitement on her face.
"Can we reschedule lunch for tomorrow?" she asked without preamble.
"Sure. Something up?"
She hesitated a moment, half afraid that it wouldn't happen if she voiced it out loud, then said, "Daniel asked me to have lunch with him today."
John eyes softened, he knew how deeply Daniel's withdrawal had hurt and worried Sam. Daniel had shied away from her from the very first day the survivors had arrived. John also knew that bond between Daniel and Ronon, and was that ever a relationship John wouldn't even hazard a guess at understanding, had pulled Daniel back into the land of the living.
Sam looked ready to fly apart with the hope and excitement Daniel's invitation had sparked. John smiled warmly and reached over and placed a hand on her forearm and gave a little squeeze. "That's great news."
Sam nodded and her other hand came to rest on top of John's, and if either of noticed her thumb gently rubbing his it just wasn't acknowledged.
---------------
Day 194
Sam's heart skipped more than a few beats when Ronon stepped through the gate carrying a bloody and unconscious John. The commander in her took over and barked orders that were immediately followed. Captured and beaten senseless by a group of Wraith worshipers none of his injuries ended up being life threatening. Once Sam knew that she went back to her office and tried to come down from the adrenalin rush. And if her hands were shaking, well, that was just biochemical and had nothing to do with the mental image of a battered and unmoving John she couldn't shake.
Later that night, after the rest of John's team had been evicted from the infirmary, Sam went and pulled up a chair close to his bed where he lay unmoving, this time due to the morphine in his i.v. drip. She sat in the shadows and watched his chest moving up and down steadily in the dim light. Her own eyes eventually began to droop and she closed them for just a second she had told herself.
Sam felt a hand on hers and she opened her eyes. John was facing her with as much of a grin as he could muster.
She shook her head to clear the sleep away and whispered, "Hi. How do you feel?"
"Morphine is my friend."
"Yeah, Jennifer is giving you the good stuff."
"You should be in bed sleeping. I'm fine," he chided lightly.
"I know. I just...."
He closed his hand around hers and gave a little squeeze. "I know."
---------------
Day 206
Sam was antsy. She didn't feel like working on anything and although all the open issues on her desk were important, none of them were urgent. It was times like this that she missed being able to throw on her jeans and go shopping or take her motorcycle out for a ride on her favorite winding roads. She paced around her quarters like a lion in a cage. Someone at her door interrupted her umpteenth circle around the room and she answered it to see John standing there.
"Hi," he said a little awkwardly.
"Hi. Is something wrong? Is my radio not working?" she asked, confused at his visit. She motioned him inside and the door closed behind him.
"No, no. Everything is fine. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Lounge with me tonight? It's blues night."
The "Lounge" had been a project they authorized a few months back. In a far corner of the city, volunteers had transformed a large space into a pseudo-bar lounge. There were little tables set up with chairs and candles and there was a designated dance area. A booming sound system had been cobbed together and there was a rotating schedule of musical genres. It was a bring-your-own-bottle type of place and nothing fancy in the way of accoutrements, but the atmosphere was relaxed and it gave folks another option for their personal time and socializing. And for dating.
"I like the blues," she said absently as she wondered to herself what it was what John was doing, was he asking her on a date?"
"Me, too. And I've got a great bottle of wine from the folks on that planet with the softball-sized strawberries. It'll be fun."
There was a little eagerness and a tinge of nervousness in his demeanor that made her blurt out, "Are you asking me out on a date?"
"And if I am?" he countered without his expression giving anything away one way or the other.
"Then you need to come back in an hour and pick me up."
---------------
Day 207
They were both pleasantly buzzed on strawberry wine as they walked back to Sam's quarters. She had enjoyed herself more than she thought she would or even should have. The music had been good and the company even better. Sam had had good first dates and bad first dates and this had definitely fallen into the former category. They had talked about favorite books and movies, compared notes on their love of things that go fast, and made a point of talking about everything but work.
There had been some wide-eyed staring when they walked into the Lounge and found an out of the way table. Folks had watched them, intrigued by John's hand resting on the small of her back and how he had pulled her out a chair for her. Their audience had also watched as they shared a bottle of wine and talked and laughed, and even shared a few dances when particularly good songs flowed through the speakers.
They reached Sam's door and there was a sense of anticipation. And before either of them could talk themselves out of it, their mouths found each other with a gentle intensity that gave her goosebumps.
When they pulled back she asked lightly, "If I invite you to come in, is that going to make things awkward for us working together?"
"Not if we don't let it."
As the dawn broke and the morning sun started streaming into her quarters, Sam was lying there praying that they wouldn't. But then the hand that been resting on her hip moved to pull the covers up a little before slipping around her to snuggle her back closer against him and she somehow knew that they wouldn't.
---------------
Day 243
As the gate shutdown behind them John called out, "Honey, we're home."
Sam stood at the railing and looked down at the muddy team that had been helping a flood ravaged village. She shook her head at the smirk John threw her way and teased back, "I thought you promised I'd never hear that in the gateroom again?"
He shrugged playfully.
They had tried keeping their relationship under wraps which of course meant that everyone knew. Atlantis was just too small a community for secrets. For the most part the general consensus was that people were happy for them.
For Sam the only approval she might have wanted or needed came from her oldest living friend. When the news had reached Daniel he had slipped out of the little office he had taken over for himself and visited Sam's. When he asked her simply if she were happy, her reply of, "as happy as I can be," was honest.
Daniel's reaction took her by surprise as she found herself enveloped in a bear hug. What he said next was tearful and broke Sam's heart, "If he makes you happy don't you let him go, no matter what anyone else thinks. And if you love him, don't wait to tell him. Things... things can change in a heartbeat, so don't wait."
Sam would have liked to have thought that the pain in Daniel's words was residual from Sha're but she doubted it; it had a raw, rough edge to it that was bright and shiny and new and she wondered exactly who back on Earth it was that Daniel had loved and lost. She hoped he would tell her one day, but she would never ask. And truth be told, she was a little afraid of the answer.
---------------
Day 244
The wormhole disengaged and in the worst Ricky Ricardo impression ever, John teased Sam, "Lucy, I'm home!"
Sam just rolled her eyes and shook her head as she turned back towards her office.
The rest of the personnel in the gateroom had the courtesy to wait until she closed her door before breaking out in laughter. Honestly though, Sam didn't really mind the joking around much and the laughter was a welcome thing in the still healing city and it was great for morale.
---------------
Day 277
The team came back in hot. They had been ambushed and then unable to reach the gate and had been pinned down for several hours by enemy fire. One by one the team hit the gateroom at a run with shots whizzing past them. Sam watched them all come through, holding her breath until she saw John. The last one through, John was carrying one of Marines. Both he and the Marine were covered in blood and Sam couldn't tell whose it was. It was only after the medical personnel took the injured Marine and rushed him off to the infirmary that she knew for sure.
John had a stony set to his jaw, and it was Lorne that briefed Sam on what had transpired. They headed for the infirmary to get an update on the Marine only to arrive just as Jennifer was calling time of death.
John's hands were fisted and he turned and stalked out of the infirmary. After verifying everyone else was okay, Sam went looking for John.
She figured that he probably headed for his quarters to shower and get rid of his bloody clothes and tried there first but didn't find him there. She finally found him in her quarters. He was sitting statue still on the edge of the bed staring down at his blood encrusted hands. She walked over to stand in front of him and could see the tears that had welled in his eyes were threatening to fall. He looked up and said sadly, "He was only twenty-three years old."
Gently she replied, "I know."
His brow furrowed and he said, "I don't know why I came here. Went I left the infirmary I just wanted to go home and be alone. Somehow I ended up here."
She reached over pulled him in close and said as his arms closed around her waist tightly, "Maybe that's because this is home."
---------------
Day 296
Daniel's sudden request to visit Sateda with Ronon on the ten year anniversary of it's destruction made Sam start thinking about Earth's somber one year mark fast approaching.
She put out a simple request for volunteers to help organize a memorial. The response she received was overwhelming and she was awed again at their resiliency.
---------------
Day 315
The team had just settled in around a small campfire for the night and John was rooting around in his pack for something to eat when he found a surprise. He pulled the odd, lumpy gift tied with a piece of red ribbon out and found a little card attached. The note said, "Happy Birthday! I think I finally got the foam formula right."
He opened the gift to find a perfect mini foam football. And though the gift itself was great, what really made him smile as he re-read the note was that she signed it, "Love, Sam."
---------------
Day 328
The wave of nausea stuck and she quickly got out of bed. John awoke to hearing her retching in the bathroom. He was concerned and asked as she made her way back to bed after brushing her teeth, "You okay?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. That was awful."
John had done some quick math in his head while she had been busy with her toothbrush and asked nervously, "You don't think you're... you know...?"
Birth control had started to become a problem in the city. Sam's own preferred birth control patches had run out five months ago. Jennifer was trying to transition her over to a different type but Sam's cycle had been a little erratic and unpredictable.
Children among the expedition had been a consideration when they first set out to Atlantis not knowing if they would ever be able to contact or return to Earth. But once regular contact had been reestablished with Earth, any pregnancies would have warranted a transition back home. Now children and population growth were more than real issues once again. And there were currently three pregnant woman in the city.
Sam looked at John with a little apprehension in her eyes. They had talked about children, and how in a perfect world they might have enjoyed being parents. And enjoyed being parents together. But that was far from the world they lived in. But somewhere down deep there was a little flicker of want that niggled at her that she pointedly ignored.
She answered quietly, "I don't know. I'll stop by and see Jennifer."
Later on in the afternoon John found Sam back in bed in their quarters. He had expected that, given that Sam and four others were struck with food poisoning from the same batch of fish.
What he hadn't expected were the tears. He didn't hesitate and without even kicking off his boots he curled up behind her and pulled her close.
Her voice was hoarse from vomiting and tears as she whispered, "I guess part of me was hoping...."
"I know. Me too."
His nimble fingers found the patch on her skin and traced it gently before deftly peeling it off.
---------------
Day 365
One year. Earth had been gone one year. John watched Sam get up earlier than normal and take an unusually long time getting ready. She wanted to have a perfect outward appearance for the day.
They stood side by side at the main ceremony in the gate room. She had stood tall and confident as she facilitated the ceremony and John had a wave of pride wash over him as he watched her handle the solemn event with dignity and grace.
Ronon's singing of a lament broke all of them. And it was that, even more than all the emotional speeches and memories shared, that set the tone for the rest of the day.
Throughout the day John and Sam visited all of the other events the volunteers had put together. It was a day of remembrance and healing. And in a way it was a acknowledgment of many new "families". Close knit little groups of people had formed in the past year. There were certainly romantic attachments in and among those groups, but there was also support, friendship, caring, and love in abundance. They were families by all measures save blood. And they moved in those little familial groups throughout the day's events.
Needing some time alone to themselves Sam and John were walking out in the starry night on one of the piers. They stopped and looked out over the water and Sam asked quietly, "Do you think if Earth hadn't been destroyed that you and I would still have this?" she gestured between them.
"I don't know. Regs would have been in the way. And our jobs were a little different. But who knows. Maybe."
She smiled and and replied, "Yeah, just maybe."
---------------
Day 417
The sun was streaming in through the stained glass window of the chapel. No one was quite sure what the Ancients had originally used the space for, but it's atmosphere was beautiful and serene and it had been dedicated as a non-denominational chapel as a part of the memorial events. For those still practicing the tenets of their religions, the chapel was used for services. It was also intended to be used for funeral services and, on a happier note, things like weddings.
Sam and John had watched as two of the Marines exchanged rings and vows in the gentle light. They were the first couple to make use of the chapel and the turnout to witness their happy occasion was good.
The celebration in the Lounge afterwards was a fun affair. The kitchen had supplied a beautiful cake, and while not a towering confection of traditional white buttercream, the rich nutty cake bedecked with local fruits and berries and drizzled with honey was delightful and the start of a whole new tradition.
There was a sweet fruit punch and many guests had brought bottles of wine to share, and when the music started the party got into full swing.
Sam and John were dancing, both a little mellow from the wine they had consumed. John had a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he teased, "Chapel's gonna be a busy place."
"Why?"
"Well according to the schedule, besides just the regular services, it's booked solid for the next six weekends with weddings."
"Wow. I guess that's good right? You know, people looking towards the future and building families and things."
Sam saw the same little eagerness and a tinge of nervousness in his demeanor that had been there when he asked her on their first date as he asked, "So what are you doing seven weeks from now?"
Her brow furrowed in confusion and she didn't answer him. He took pity and clarified, "I'm asking you to marry me, Sam."
Sam chewed her bottom lip a bit before asking, "Really?"
John just shook his head and chuckled. "Really."
"Then I think you better get us on that schedule quick before it's eight weeks."
---------------
Day 466
With only a handful of witnesses Sam and John quickly pledged themselves to one another until death do they part. There was no party afterwards, no nutty cake, no wine, and no celebration. Instead they headed for the control room to defend the city from a Wraith hive heading their way.
---------------
Day 467
Attack countered, they all were able to let out their collective breath. By this point they had all been up for almost forty hours straight and everyone was punchy from a lack of sleep.
After a quick briefing with all the department heads on the city's status, John and Sam went and spent what was supposed to have been the first day of their honeymoon curled up in bed fully clothed and sound asleep with their radios still in their ears.
---------------
Day 501
John was watching his wife practicing the speech she was giving the next day in front of the mirror. And before she could start in on it for the umpteenth time he interrupted by stepping up behind her and tucking his chin on her shoulder. "Your speech is perfect."
Sam reached up and stroked his cheek fondly. "I know. I'm just... nervous. It's not every day I get sworn in as Governor."
They had held open elections for the position of Governor and eight members of a governing council to serve for four years. Every citizen on Atlantis was eligible for either position and Sam had been absolutely shocked when the results had been tabulated and she had been elected Governor nearly unanimously. John wasn't. He knew that the military members all respected Sam without question, her service record more than enough for them. The civilian contingent, especially the scientists, also held her in high regard as someone who actually appreciated their contributions. Given that the task of the new Governor and the council was to hammer out a new, workable system of government that embraced all of its citizens, military and civilian alike, there was no one better for the task than Sam.
John turned and pressed a kiss onto her hand and teased, "But if you don't stop practicing I'm never going to be able to give you your present."
Sam grinned and asked, "I'm getting a present?"
John chuckled at her child-like glee and said, "Hold up your hair."
When she did he pulled a necklace out of his pocket and carefully put it on her. She looked at in the mirror and up to him with a question in her eyes.
He explained, "That's the quarter I sat flipping for hours when I was trying to decide if I was going to take the posting to Atlantis. One of the metallurgy guys soldered on that fancy silver beading around the edge and made the chain for me. I'm hoping it will bring you luck."
And it replaced the dog tags that were no longer hanging around her neck. Once she had been elected, she had "officially" resigned from active military duty.
---------------
Day 502
Everyone was gathering for the swearing-in ceremony in front of the gate and Daniel approached Sam with a book in his hands. His eyes were a little sad as he said, "Sam, I know you don't want a bible or law book for the swearing in, but I thought this might be appropriate to remind us where we came from."
Sam took the book he extended and opened it. And her smile was bittersweet as she saw what it was. "It's perfect, Daniel."
Before she was sworn in she held up the book and addressed the crowd. "I was opposed to being sworn in with a bible as part of the proceedings because that symbol doesn't encompass all of our faiths. And I passed on a book of law because the task before us is to rework our ideas of law and government to fit our new community and not rely strictly on the old. But this," she tapped the book for emphasis, "will remind us of where we came from and what we lost, and will hopefully inspire us to do great things in the name of Earth."
And without further ado, Sam was sworn in as the first Governor of the Atlantis Colony with her hand placed reverently on the world atlas of Earth that her husband held for her.
---------------
Day 538
Sam tugged on John's arm and teased, "C'mon I wanna show you something."
John cracked an eye and said half into his pillow, "It's our day off, why exactly are we getting up early?"
Sam was twisting her hair into a ponytail and she laughed, "I told you, I want to show you something."
With a grumble he stumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom and took care of his body's needs and brushed his teeth. He slipped on some clothes and let his wife lead the way.
Their destination was an apartment in one of the newly gone through sections of the city. Convenient to a transporter, it was large and spacious, with its own kitchen area and three bedrooms. And its views were of the ocean and simply spectacular.
"Nice place," was John's initial response.
"Yeah. I called dibs."
"Dibs? I'm all for the view but do we really need something this big?"
She took his hand and led him to one of the bedrooms. "It gives us a bedroom, and we can use that other room as an office. And this one...."
Sam didn't finish her thought and stood there chewing on her bottom lip.
"And this one...," John prompted her to finish.
"We can use for the baby's room." Sam said softly with a sliver of excitement.
John said without thinking, "Oh sure, we can use it for the ba... baby's room?"
"Yeah. I'm at about six weeks or so. Personally I'm blaming it on that private little inaugural celebration we had."
John had a truly goofy expression on his face. And he pulled her in close and asked, "So when do you want to move?"
---------------
Day 559
John looked down at the bloody sheet on their bed and his hands fisted. His child was gone. Their child. In an instant, their child was gone. And so were any any future children.
As he numbly stripped the bed and cleaned up the blood his mind was reliving the events of the day.
Sam had woken him with a loud moan. He had sat up to see her clutching her stomach and he felt a warm wetness spreading underneath them both. His hand instantly cued the lights and sight on the bed was like something out of a horror movie. There was blood everywhere as Sam's body terminated her pregnancy all on its own.
He vaguely remembered finding a radio and calling for a med team. He clearly remembered the pain and anguish on Sam's face and had never felt so useless in his entire life. He remembered that the trip to the infirmary seemed to take forever. He remembered Jennifer and her team working frantically on Sam. He remembered the blood, no one could loose that much blood and live, and John had seen enough men bleed out to know that. And when a crestfallen Jennifer had told him that they couldn't stop the bleeding and that there was only one option left to save Sam's life, he remembered hitting his knees and staring at his blood stained hands. And when Jennifer again asked for his permission he had nodded even as the tears streamed down his face.
And when Sam finally opened her eyes after it was all said and done, Jennifer gently broke the news to Sam. John had tried to comfort Sam, to hold her hand and promise that they would get through it together but Sam had sharply pulled away from him physically. And it was the beginning of her pulling away from him emotionally.
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Day 590
John had been through one marriage that had fallen apart. And as he ran his hand over Sam's side of the bed that hadn't been slept in, he sadly realized that he in the middle of another one.
It wasn't the first time they hadn't slept together since the miscarriage and Sam's emergency hysterectomy, but it was the first time she hadn't come home at all.
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Day 625
Sam approached the door to the small quarters she had taken to sleeping in when John's voice spoke from the shadow in the corner of the corridor. "Do you want a divorce?"
His words were blunt and straight to the point and edged with pain and anger.
They hadn't spoken outside of work related conversations in over two months.
Sam dropped her chin to her chest and closed her eyes. Her reply was quiet and sad, "It's probably for the best."
She didn't give him time to respond and entered her borrowed quarters and closed the door behind her.
John walked over to the door and placed his hand on it. He knew that Atlantis would open it for him if he asked her to, but that wouldn't solve anything. The thing separating them was bigger than any door.
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Day 634
John was drunk, and not just a little drunk. And not a pleasantly buzzed kind of drunk, but rather a melancholy, drinking from the bottle, wanting to pass out soon kind of drunk. It had been Ronon and Daniel to find him out on a far pier so drunk he couldn't stand up straight.
They manhandled him back home and dumped him on his bed. He was mumbling about needing his own "Hail Mary" and other nonsensical things that were without a doubt crystal clear in his fuddled mind. Ronon pulled off his boots and Daniel prudently placed a trash can near the edge of the bed and a glass of water on the nightstand near some mild painkillers.
John startled Daniel when he grabbed his arm. John's eyes met Daniel's and Daniel could see the deep seated pain and anguish in them. John's words were clear and pleading, "She won't talk to me. It was my baby too, damn it. I'm losing her and I don't know what to do. I just can't get through to her. What do I do?"
Daniel placed a warm hand on top of John's and gave a little squeeze of support. "She's hurting and scared, John. And so are you. Maybe you need to think about how you got through to her the first time and try it again."
John thought about that for a moment and nodded before his eyes closed and he passed out.
Daniel pulled the blanket up over John and sighed. He hoped that somehow his friends would get through this.
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Day 636
Sam walked into her office and once again found her white board vandalized. Hundreds of little cartoon daisies and other flowers now resided all around her equations. In one bottom corner, in small, careful, familiar print was a simple, "I miss you."
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Day 639
John had been staring at the personnel duty schedule for an hour when he realized that someone was in the doorway to his office. He looked up to see Sam standing there with their chessboard and a couple of sandwiches in hand. She swallowed hard and asked nervously, "Do you have time for lunch?"
They had headed for one of the smaller, private balconies and they spoke of lighthearted casual things as they ate and played, both avoiding the elephant on the balcony with them. The game ended in a draw, neither of their hearts really into it. As they stood to go Sam's eyes locked onto John's and she whispered, "I miss you too. And I could really use a hug."
He pulled her in tight, and his voice was hoarse with emotion as he said, "You just had to let me know."
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Day 701
John tugged on the jacket he hadn't worn in a very long time. There just hadn't been much need for dress uniforms in the past couple of years. Sam had been cryptic when she told him to put his on and report to the gateroom. As he headed in that direction he wondered if he missed an email about some visitor or something.
As he entered the room he was surprised to see what had to be every military member of the colony crammed into the gateroom. Those that had dress uniforms were in them, those that didn't had shined their boots and cleaned and pressed their BDU's to the strictest drill instructor's level of expectation. John was even more confused now than he had been before.
Lorne called all the troops to attention as John walked over to where Sam and the Council members were standing. He asked quietly, "Gonna let me in on what this is all about?"
Sam smiled and teased, "In a minute. Now be nice and tell them to stand at ease."
When he did Sam approached the podium and began to speak. "Today is the anniversary of the first major battle we defended this city through in the early days of our expedition. Many lives were lost but their sacrifice has not been forgotten. Though our resources were limited and the last minute calvary arriving from Earth turned the tide, it was without a doubt the unwavering bravery on the part of every single member of our armed forces that prevailed. The Governing Council and I are pleased to announce that this day will hereby be known as the new Atlantis Armed Forces Day and will be a day to remember and honor all of the brave men and women that have and still willingly serve and protect us all."
A ripple of approval moved through all present in the gateroom. Sam beamed at them all from the podium and gave them a moment to settle back down before continuing. "The Council has also voted to make some changes to the existing ranks of certain officers as more befitting with the job functions they are performing."
John had put his uniform on that morning a Lieutenant Colonel. He took it off that night as a General.
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Day 746
Sam was futzing with things in her pack and John teased, "I refuse to hold your purse while you shop."
Sam looked up and gave him a playful grimace and he teased further, "I just want that out in the open now, in front of witnesses, so there's no confusion later on."
The wormhole engaged and Sam cracked back to John, "Maybe we'll get lucky and find a new couch on sale for you to sleep on."
Lorne was the first to crack up and all John could do was shake his head and smirk. He loved it when she zinged him back and they had found that their playful teasing was something that made them more like "regular people" and approachable to the rest of the Atlantis personnel, so they never hesitated. Morale had never been higher on the city and most attributed it to those in leadership roles setting the example.
The planet they were visiting was a peaceful world. They had not been culled in many generations and they had thriving agricultural production as well as livestock. Atlantis was hoping to arrange some trade agreements and Sam had jumped at the opportunity to go off world for a change.
The minute they stepped through the wormhole they knew something was horribly wrong. In the direction of the village there was thick black smoke rising and that never boded well.
As they cautiously entered the village they could see that the devastation was total. There were husks of people drained by Wraith and left were they fell and all of the buildings were just smoldering ruins. The culling had been complete, there was no one left.
They were getting ready to head back to the gate when Sam pulled up short and signaled for quiet. Everyone complied and they all listened intently. A heartbeat later Sam, with John and the rest of the team right behind her, took off towards a thorny, brush laden hillside. John came up beside Sam and they searched the hillside for the baby they all had heard crying.
The life signs detector showed five hiding behind a particularly nasty thorn bush. They worked quickly and found that the bush wasn't actually growing there, but rather was being used to hide a dug out part of the hillside. When they moved it, a collective gasp went out, for there, hiding in the dark, earthen cave were four children and one very unhappy infant.
None of the children appeared to be over the age of six, but yet the oldest boy had hefted a rock to protect them all.
Sam crouched down and said gently, "It's okay. You're safe now. Nobody's going to hurt you."
They were all terrified and in shock. One little girl of about three timidly stepped forward and hesitated only a moment before flinging herself into Sam's arms. Sam held her and rubbed her back and tried to soothe the girl. "Shh, we're going take you someplace safe. Okay? Nothing scary there, I promise."
The baby was worrying John and he knelt down on one knee near the boy of about four that was holding onto the baby in a death grip. Softly he asked, "Is that your brother? Or your sister?"
The little boy met John's eyes but didn't reply but the older boy did, "That's his sister. She just came yesterday. We can't make her stop crying."
The implications that the baby was a newborn made their concern even more of a priority. Sam gave the little one in her arms a final pat and stood up with her in her arms and passed her off to one of the burly Marines behind her. The little girl didn't seem to care who was holding her as long as someone was.
Sam knelt next John and asked the little boy, "Can I see the baby? I just want to see why she's crying. Is that okay?"
The little boy looked quickly between John and Sam before carefully holding out the swaddled bundle in his arms to Sam. Sam took the baby carefully and opened up the blanket. She was definitely a newborn, there were still patches of vernix on her skin and her umbilical cord was still attached and not fully dried. The baby's displeasure was most likely hunger, the children had no way of feeding her. Sam gently wrapped her back up and tucked her up near her shoulder and patted her gently, and the baby calmed a little. She looked at the little boy and said, "You did a great job keeping her safe. But I think she's very hungry. I bet you all are hungry. So how about we all go back to where we live and we can get you something to eat and cleaned up a little? Sound good?"
They tried to shield the children from the devastation that used to be their home, but they caught at least glimpses. Sam was watching her step carefully mindful of the baby in her arms that had stopped fussing altogether once they had started moving. Sam did allow herself to steal a little look over to John who was carrying the baby's brother. The little boy had his arms wrapped around John's neck and his face hidden under the collar of John's jacket. There was an odd softness to John's eyes as he carried the boy.
The trip through the gate and arrival back on Atlantis left all the children wide-eyed with wonder. The adults handed off their P-90's in the gateroom but not their little visitors. Those they took personally to the infirmary.
The baby was the highest priority, but Sam found herself holding on tighter when one of the nurses said, "Here, let me take her, Governor Sheppard."
Sam had an odd look on her face and Jennifer stepped over and said lightly, "We'll give her back, Sam. We just need to check her out, okay?"
John was sitting next to the baby's brother on a bed and watched the exchange with interest.
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Day 747
John rolled over and saw that Sam's side of the bed was empty. He grinned and shook his head, knowing exactly where she was most likely to be. And as he slipped in to the dimly lit infirmary he found her were he expected her, sitting in a chair with the baby cradled in her arms. There was an empty baby bottle on the little table next to them and the baby was awake but quiet and content.
He stepped up beside them and placed a hand on the back of Sam's neck, his thumb rubbing gently. He thought about teasing, but the look of adoration and longing on Sam's face as she looked at the baby brought him up short. And what should be done became obvious to him and he whispered, "We could adopt her."
Normally they tried to place refugees with other villages similar in development to their own. And discussions had already started yesterday about where the best place to send the children would be.
Sam replied, "What about her brother Tarin? It wouldn't be right to separate them."
"So we take them both."
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17 May 2010
Sam signed off on the last of the adoptions of the children. As it turned out none of them were leaving Atlantis. The requests to adopt them had been overwhelming. And it hadn't been just heterosexual couples doing the requesting, there had been a few same-sex couples and several single people as well. No one had wanted the children to leave Atlantis and they now all had great homes with loving adoptive parents that would help them heal and grow.
That done, Sam closed her laptop and left her office. John and Tarin were meeting her in the infirmary. Jennifer was finally letting them take the baby home after a week in the infirmary.
As she headed for the infirmary Sam realized that for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, she hadn't been thinking about the past and what had been lost. She had been looking towards the future. Her future with John and their children on the amazing floating city.
There was a certain spring in her step as she entered the infirmary and saw the rest of her little family. Tarin was holding John's hand, the little boy was still very, very quiet and still traumatized there was no doubt, but he trusted John implicitly. Sam had no doubt that with time and love and patience that Tarin would open up and become a happy child.
When John saw Sam he said to Tarin, "Hey, look who's here."
Tarin looked up as same walked towards them and gave her an almost smile.
Sam bent down and ask Tarin lightly, "Ready to take her home?"
He nodded but didn't speak.
John teased, "So, which name did you finally decide to put on her birth certificate?"
Sam had been going back and forth about it for days. And her husband had been no help. He had just sat back and enjoyed himself as he watched her get the room ready that the children were going to share for a while and listened to her oscillate between a dozen or so names for the baby.
Sam picked up the baby and with a smile brighter than any sun, said, "Hope."
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the end.