Realizations and Other Crimes
Jessica placed her baby on her stomach in the crib and moved quickly back, a hand covering her mouth as the realization of all the things she had done sunk in.
Swallowing back the bile rising up in her throat, she ignored the fact that she was endangering her daughter since the baby didn't have the control needed to lift her head if she was in distress, as she hurried out of the room, the baby monitor perched in its charger in the nursery as she made her mad dash to her own room.
Shutting the door behind her, she sunk to the floor, and pulled her knees up to her chest as the croccidile tears she always cried ran seamlessly down her face. "What have I done?" she wondered aloud, then shook her head as she forced herself to get a hold of herself.
Slowly she pushed herself to her feet: "No… No, I didn't do anything. . . Tess and Bess. . . they did it. Tess didn't get the proper medical care. She didn't get to Dr. Joplin. So my baby. .. oh, G-d, my sweet innocent baby died in the cottage in TESS's arms. . .
I never got to hold her. . . to comfort her. . . talk to her. . .
And Bess. . ." Jessica shook her head. "She took Star's baby. My little girl's buried in Hope McBain's grave. She'll never have my or Nash's name. . . and Chloe. . . they'll blame me. . . even though I was sick.
Tess was going to help Todd. . . It doesn't matter what I do. . . what I say. . . They'll never believe that Bess just switched them to help keep me and Tess from losing it. . . Oh G-d," Jessica muttered as she sunk to the bed. "Oh, g-d, Tess kept telling the doctor's the baby wasn't hers. . . I wouldn't let her out to tell the truth. . . Bess wouldn't. . . it will be my fault. They'll make me go back. They'll give my baby to Marci. . . Marci who is even crazier than me. . . I mean, I got over my break down when I lost Meghan. . . I reintergrated. . . but Marci. . . Marci's never been quite right. She wrote about murders that lead to murders.
I can't let her take Chloe.
And Star. . . I won't be able to convince Star to let me keep her. . ." she continued on the verge of hyperventilating. "She'll think it was all part of Todd's plan. That he changed his mind once Tess loss my baby and he traded them to help me. I mean, I guess if she was going to give her baby away I might be able to convince her. . . but . . .no. . . She'd never give her to me to keep now. . .Oh g-d what am I going to do. . . I can't go back. . . I can't let them take Chloe. . . how do I make it so they never know I know. . . make it someone else's fault?" she wondered as she rocked back and forth on her bed.
Natalie walked tiredly down the hall pass the nursery, ignoring her need to check on Chloe more out of the self preservation where it came to hearing her mother's constant critisim than concern for what Jessica wanted.
In truth it had been a hard day for her.
She was back at BE full time, under the direction of David's legal advisors for the time being. Appearently, for some unknown reason, she was one of the only family members he trusted and since he no longer believed in material wealth he had put all of BE and its assets in her name. Of course that that meant spending more than half her day in meetings with her grandfather's lawyers to fend off Dorian (the fact that they could prove fraud to keep her hands off of BE a plus) and the rest dealing with her father (who wasn't so easy to keep from meddling in the day to day business that David wanted him out of if she was to be kept in charge) was bad enough. Jared's hissy fit over her not being able to keep him on and her refusual to leave with him had just added to the tension.
She couldn't help but wonder if he'd be here when she got home or if he had followed through on both his threats: to take Dorain's job offer and give her insider tips and to pack up and leave her.
"Well, if he does the latter at least me pressing charges to protect BE won't be so hard," she muttered as she heard Chloe's cries. "No, Natalie. She's Jessica's. Jessica needs to deal with her," she reminded herself as she leaned against the wall tiredly and counted seconds mentally, noting that the door to her sister's room didn't open and that there was an echoing effect to Chloe's cries. "Oh no she didn't," she muttered annoyed as she moved away from the wall and entered the nursery.
Quickly she crossed and gasped when she saw the baby on her stomach, head covered by the blanket. Moving on instinct, she scoped Chloe up, moved to the charger and grabbed the monitor as she cradled and soothed the infant and then headed to her sister's room.
The frustration of the day built as she moved down the hall, and she didn't even bother to knock as she pushed open her sister's door: "You know, Jess, the point of the monitor is for you to have it in here with you so you can hear. . ." she started then stopped short when she saw the state her twin was in. "My, G-d, Jessie?"
"It's me. . ." Jessica managed to get out on a strangled laugh.
"Are you. . .?"
"Take Chloe. . . I can't. . . I don't want. . ."
Natalie nodded: "All right. I'll put her back down. Then I'm coming back in. You want me to call Mom? Your doctor?'
"Just you."
Natalie nodded, swallowing back unease at the caculated look she saw in her twin's eyes, not realizing that Jessica had just figured out her escape from ever being held responsible. . . because if she didn't have Chloe she could never figure out that she wasn't hers and when the truth came out the person who did would be the one to be blamed. . .
Chapter 2
Natalie smiled as she resettled Chloe in the crib, this time on her back, with pillows to make sure she wouldn't roll over and the blanket covering her just enough to keep her warm.
Monitor in hand, she gently closed the door and paused at the door to Bre's room and looked in. Frowning, she shook her head and crossed it to turn on her niece's nightlight and made sure that a picture of Nash was within the little girl's reach. Gently, she bent down to brush back her hair and kissed her forehead as she picked up the girl's teddy bear from the floor and placed it next to her on the bed.
Exiting the room, she tried to decide whether she should give into the urge to get out of her suit and heels, but remembering her sister's face, she decided to go to her instead. Knocking on the door this time, she waited for her sister's raspy: "come in," before entering.
Slowly she did just that.
Frowning, she took in Jessica's pale, tear stained face, as she pulled the door shut behind her and crossed to the bed. At the look she received for carrying the monitor she rolled her eyes: "in case she needs you during the night," Natalie said with some annoyance as she put in on the end table. When Jessica said nothing and made no motion to move she pushed on: "do you mind if I sit?"
"Ummm. .. sure. . ." Jessica answered, looking purposely away and at the other wall.
Natalie shook her head as she sat on the very edge of the bed and kicked off her shoes: "hope you don't mind. . . you wouldn't use to and my feet are killing me. . . I would've gotten changed, but I didn't want to take the time."
"You could change into something of mine," Jessica suggested as she rose and got up and started to pace. "That's something else you would've done," she said as she looked at her sister through lowered lashes.
"I'll pass," Natalie said. "But thanks for the offer. I just don't think that any of your things would fit me right now. . .and its not like we're having a slumber party like in the old days."
"Right. You have to get back to Jared," Jessica all but spit out.
"I don't know if he's even here," Natalie admitted. "Or will be coming back. He's not exactly happy about the changes at BE. Not many people are."
Jess shrugged as she picked at the edge of her pajama top: "Guess you are to David what I am to Todd."
"Perish the thought," Natalie replied. "Jess. . . what's going on? What happened? What did I walk in on? What has you so on edge?"
"I can't do it, Natalie!" Jessica announced her arms flairing in the air. "I mean, I convinced myself I could. . . I was SOOO sure of it. I made everyone think I could. I guess I got that acting ability from Tess…"
"Can't do what?"
"Take care of them. Be a good mom," she said in a high voice.
Natalie tried not to roll her eyes, she was the last person to give her sister a pep talk on the subject. "I think I need to get mom in here," she said as she started to rise and move pass her sister.
Jessica instinctively grabbed her sister's arm, only to have Natalie tense and glare at her: "oh g-d. . . I didn't. . . see, I used to be able to do things like that. . . to grab someone. . . to grab you to get your attention… to keep you from walking away from me, but I scare you just like I do my daughter."
"Well, unlike me, Bre will get over it because she's young enough to forget it and she's not being forced to ignore her feelings or her fears, Jessica."
"You're still afraid of me?" Jessica asked, honestly surprised.
Natalie did roll her eyes this time: "Ummm let me think. You wanted me dead. Not just TESS but YOU. You also almost killed Mom, your plans could've killed Bre oh, and I'm supposed to have NO FEELINGS!"
"Natalie, you have a right to be mad, but. . ."
"MAD. . . You're damned right I'm mad. I'm mad that everyone thinks you're the only one to love and loss. To think that I had no idea about what you were going through, most of all YOU."
"I don't. . . I don't understand. . . how could you know what I felt when I lost Nash. You nev----" Jessica exhaled. "John. Tess didn't know about John, but I did. We both blamed Jared and wanted to hurt him, but what hurt you more was the fact that what you went through when you thought you lost John was discounted--- and not just by us."
Natalie bit her lip as she nodded: "You know, a part of me thanked god that she didn't think of him. I couldn't have handled what she would've, could've, done to him as well as what she wanted to do to Jared. The commitment wasn't as deep. The history of loss was there. . . and a part of me actually thought he'd find me. Save me like he always did, only John was too busy chasing Marty and screwing Blair to even believe that I was in trouble."
"And that was the last straw between you two, wasn't it?"
"Yep. So, see, Tess--- You—Bess--- whoever, really did ruin the one true love of my life. Even if it was only a memory. Now, David has ruined the closest replacement I could find," Natalie admitted shaking her head. "But hey, you should be happy. You have Mom and Dad on your side, just like always. And even those few brief minutes when Dad actually cared have disappated. He proved that in my office today.
You're his little girl. Not me. You're her first choice for making things right. I just have to grin and bare it.
And I don't know why I'm saying all this because you'll just go crying to them that I'm dumping my bad day on you and it. . .
Truth is, Jess, I'm mad. I'm scared. But I'm not just scared of you, I'm scared for you."
"Natalie. . ."
"No, let me finish," Natalie cut her off. "Because I don't know when I'll get the nerve up again. Tess took your meds this time. But what if another alter comes out and doesn't. What if you reject the transplant because of it and your off god knows where doing god knows what like you did the first time Tess came out? Or what if you take the girls somewhere like Niki did you?"
"That's why you don't want me around them alone?" Jessica asked surprised.
"Pretty much, but its not like I can say that to Mom. She feels guilty enough over what happen to you because of Niki."
"And you too, Natalie."
Natalie shook her head: "you don't have to lie."
"I'm not.
Mom. . . Mom hasn't forgiven herself for not knowing that there were two of us. Daddy either. Its easier for them to. . . to . . . I don't know, look at fixing me because of mistakes they made than at trying to fix mistakes someone else did with you. To make up for a couple of times where I was abused where as you spent years being abused."
"It wasn't the same."
"No," Jess admitted. "It wasn't. Doesn't make them feel any less guilty."
"Whatever," Natalie shrugged. "Look, why do you think you're a bad mother? And don't think I won't tell you that you aren't if you are being one."
Jess smiled slightly: "You know why."
"Try me."
"I didn't even take the monitor."
"And you left Chloe on her stomach," Natalie added. "But something set you off."
Jessica nodded: "I was looking at her and realized, when Bre was that age I was sick. You were the one taking care of her. Even before. Antonio or Carlotta did most of the work because. . . well, I was preoccupied with Nash."
"No argument there."
"Anyway. .. I just started to panic. . .I didn't know what to do. I put her down and ran out of the room."
"Jess, you had a panic attack. It happens," Natalie deduced. "I mean, I can't even go into the basement of this house right now."
"Because of something I did. Not because of something you can't."
"You raised Jamie."
"And I almost got her killed because I was too busy with my own issues."
"You mean with Nash."
"Fine. With Nash," Jessica sighed as she went to sit on her bed. "Do you really have to call me on everything?"
"I f you wanted a pep talk you should've let me get Mom," Natalie shot back as she went to sit next to her sister.
"You were right. I need to make sure I'm 100% before I can take them on. The truth is, Natalie, I may never be," Jessica sighed, then decided to play on one of her sister's fears: "sometimes I wonder if I'll be like Mom. Fine for long periods and then set backs and reemergences."
"Mom hasn't had a break in years."
"But it took years for her to get to that point. We don't even know how many more secrects Bess and Tess are hiding. I mean, Mom's last one was you."
"What? You think you have another kid out there?"
"Well, Mom did forget you and Meghan," Jessica said logically. "But, no. My triggers were tramatic events. Losing Nash. And we don't even know what was the exact cause of my first one. I mean, I didn't even break when I lost Meghan. I just had a mental breakdown. Neither Tess or Bess took over. I don't have all my memories of what Mitch or Tico did to me, Natalie. What if they start coming back?"
Natalie exhaled: "what do your doctors say?"
Jessica laughed: "same as before. I'm intergrated. Healthy. We see how well that worked and for how long.
I just. . . I can't subject my kids to that. .. I looked at Chloe's innocent face and I . . . and I think about Hope."
"Star's daughter?" Natalie asked supicously. "Why would you think about her?"
"Because I was into something with Todd. I could've been helping him plan to kidnap her. . . and it could have just as easily been Chloe who. . .sometimes I have nightmares that it was," Jessica replied in a hurry, unable to meet her twin's eyes.
"Jessica, Mom and Dad found you at the cottage with Chloe. It's not like you could've had her, gone to the hospital, switched babies, and gone back," Natalie told her twin logically and carefully, all the while watching her reaction as supision started to build. She could tell her sister was up to something, and she hoped it wasn't what she thought it was.
"That's not what I'm saying!" Jessica said defensively as she jumped to her feet.
"Then what are you saying?" Natalie asked in exasperation.
"I gave birth alone. Star gave birth in a hospital. Odds say Chloe is the one who should be dead," Jess rambled as she started to pace nervously.
"Maybe, but on the same token, teen mothers are at higher risk for miscarriage, for low birth weights, still births, long term learning disabilities, developmental delays. . ." Natalie shook her head. "None of that… no nightmares, make you a bad mother. Not even my fears of what can happen do. I mean, really, with me and Mom around do you think that any of it could?"
"Natalie, Tina and Todd were the ones to figure out I was Tess. . . you really think I want to take that chance with my kids? Their lives? Futures?"
"OK, then. What do you want to do?"
Jessica let out a breathe: "that depends on you."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"I want you to raise them."
"Jessica, I already told you. I'll help you raise them. It's what I've been doing anyway."
"No. . . I want you to take them. Adopt them. Only, Natalie it would be too hard for me to see them everyday. And I know how hard its been for you with Mom and Dad and. . . I know it will take time, but I'll convince them it was all my idea. . . you just have to adopt them and move away for a while. . ."
Chapter 3
Natalie exhaled as she looked at her sister: "Let me get this straight: you who didn't want me anywhere near the kids, you want me to take them? Not only take them, but adopt them. Adopt them and move away with them?"
"Yes."
Natalie stood up and looked her sister up and down, "I'm me, Natalie. Jessica. And this isn't some sort of trap," Jessica told her uneasily as she came to a stop and stood toe to toe with her, suddenly the image of the weak, crying woman of the past half hour gone.
"No. I don't think it is," Natalie said as she looked her sister straight in the eye. "But you aren't telling me the truth either, Jessie. You're up to something."
"This is about what's best for my daughters," Jessica said nervously as she started to pace again.
"I believe that too. . ." Natalie responded evenly as she started to put the pieces together of the conversation. "Or at least, I believe its what you think is best for your daughter."
Jessica spun around and glared at her sister: "what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't get so jumpy. The whole 'got to thinking about Hope' and it 'giving you nightmares of how it could've been Chloe' gave you away. You remember having Chloe don't you, Jessica? Only your baby didn't survive did she? Chloe is Hope and you want me to take her so that when it comes out I'll be the one to take the blame!"
Jessica rolled her eyes at her sister: "poor, poor, Natalie always the victim!"
"When it comes to you and your crazy plans I sure as hell end up the victim more times than not!" Natalie shot back. "And wouldn't that be the perfect way for you to get back at me!"
"I want those kids safe!"
"Yeah. You sure as hell have proved that since you returned from St. Ann's," Natalie snarked as she started to stalk out of the room.
"You don't just get to walk out of here!" Jessica yelled at her as she grabbed her and spun her around. "You do and I will make a scene you won't believe. I'll scream bloody murder and convince Mom you accused me of switching babies and get you thrown out!"
"And what?" Natalie asked. "When Marci lashes onto that hope that Hope is alive and demands DNA tests what are you going to do then? Huh? I was the one locked in a basement, remember? Couldn't have stolen the kid, Jessie. So don't try to pin your psycho replacement of our cousin's baby with your dead one on me!"
Jessica shrugged as she went back to her bed: "but I remember now. I called Todd when I was Tess. When I realized I was in trouble at the cottage. When he came he found me unconscious with my baby dead. He switched them."
"One, if he found your dumbass self unconscious you wouldn't know he switched them. Two, he changed his mind and was at the hospital right after Dr. Joplin called."
"You really think Nora will care?"
"No," Natalie admitted. "But you still loose Chloe."
"Star was going to give her up. Why shouldn't I get to keep her?"
"Ummm, because she was going to give her to Marci?!?!?"
"Marci who can't adopt a child because she had a mental breakdown," Jess retorted as she plopped onto the bed a smirk on her face.
"Pot meet kettle," Natalie shot back. "Hell, at least hers was only once and only temporary. You had a breakdown after losing Meghan and split into alters on at least two occasions. She only kidnapped a child she had been raising for over a year, you tried to murder people, including your own mother!"
"That was. . ."
"Tess," Natalie cut in. "Heard the song, know the refrain. Still aint buying the tune."
"So you think Marci should get her?"
"Never said that," Natalie shrugged.
"They'll just give Chloe to strangers then! And what about Bre. . .!"
Natalie raised an eyebrow at that as she stuck her hands in her pockets: "still think its your game we're playing?"
Jessica pouted: "what do you want?"
"I'll adopt the kids. But they're mine then, Jessica. No sudden changes of mind. No tearful tries to reclaim them. No drawn out custody cases. You religuish ALL rights to me."
"But. . ."
"No buts. You just become 'Aunt Jess,'" Natalie told her. "And suck up the tears its not like you haven't walked away from a child before. You all but abandoned Jamie for booty calls with Nash."
"Nash and I were in love. We'd still be living happily if it weren't for you and Jared!"
"Ummm, newsflash, Jess, but why the hell was Jared in town to begin with? Oh, right, Tess screwed him over and he wanted revenge! And why did I get together with him in the first place? Oh, that's right: 'please distract him, Natalie. He's trying to take over the vineyeard. He's making moves on me.' Ring any bells, ding a ling?"
"Now, Natalie. . ."
"If you had let Jared keep that share of the vineyard and run it properly your loving husband might still be alive. Furthermore, your husband is the one who came at me and was about to hit me while you stood by wringing your hands doing nothing but calling his name. You let him call me slut/whore and come at me. Jared defended me and he accidently pushed him too hard."
"But. . ."
"You went downstairs, screaming for help and when Rex tried to help you pushed him away. You held onto Nash's broken body and wouldn't let the paramedics get to him like it was an act out of some tradgedy. You had to be dragged away from his body and the only reason they didn't sedate you was because you told them you were pregnant," Natalie listed off. "Yeah, his injuries were too great to be treated. But maybe you would've gotten a little more time if you weren't playing the drama queen!"
"Natalie that's uncalled for!"
"Is it?" Natalie asked with a raised eyebrow. "Why? Because someone's finally calling you on your shit? I told you at the beginning of this little conference that if you wanted a pep talk to call mom and that I would call it like I see it, well that's what I'm doing. You made sure you took the time in between tearful breakdowns to turn the family against me.
To make it my fault that your husband was hurt.
It wasn't Jessica, and you know it.
It was the equvalant of a barroom brawl gone wrong.
Nash was pissed because Jared and I couldn't save his Vineyard from his bad discussions thought BE. He didn't know that the wheels in my head were already spinning in another direction or two to save it. I would've called Miles or Vincent. They would've done it if I asked them too.
But no. He had to be the big tough guy.
He had to get in our faces.
Jared wanted to walk away.
So did I.
But Nash decided to get in my face.
He decided to call me a slut.
To raise his fist at me.
Appearently, to this family that was ok. Jared defending me wasn't. All Jared did was push him away from me.
Did he do it too forcefully?
Yeah.
Do we regret what happened?
You know we do.
But neither of us deserved the scorn that was dished out upon us."
"You were sleeping with a con man, Natalie. You knew he wasn't a Buchanan!"
"For two weeks," Natalie shot back. "And if I had told we could've lost everything."
"Which we almost did!"
"And because of who, Jess? Who slept with him first? Who was the reason that he came to town because of in the first place?"
"It was Tess."
"Right. Because its never Jessica's fault. Always her alters!" Natalie said throwing her hands up in exasperation. "Guess it was Tess who decided to break Alison out of St. Ann's then too?"
"You were right along with me."
"To talk your ass out of it."
"Didn't work though did it."
"And who covered it up?"
"Nash."
"And?"
"Antonio."
"Keep going, because you know neither of those are the answers I'm looking for," Natalie said with annoyance, "And if the next answer out of your mouth is John, I'm really going to start questioning your so called intelligence," she forestalled.
"Fine. Jared," Jess said throwing up her hands. "Are you happy that I admitted he helped me?"
"I'm happy you admitted the truth," Natalie sighed. "God! You. . . you throw all sorts of accustations at me and you're the one who's made all the mistakes, or caused them! I've been covering for you, a lot of us have, for so long now that you don't even realize it.
You can't even admit you've made mistakes, never mind identify them."
"And you're so innocent?" Jessica huffed.
"What did I do, Jess? I rebounded with the wrong guy? Wouldn't give in because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake after everything that happened?" Natalie asked her tiredly. "Just remember this is the same guy who covered for you about St. Ann's. The same on who lied at the board meeting to protect you. Because he thought saying he was a fan of Asa's was better than the truth."
"What? Didn't want to admit he was a former convict? That he slept with my alter? Took advantage of me then stalked me?"
"Isn't it ironic that Nash got hit for calling ME the slut, then? Just how many men did you do as Tess?" Natalie wondered, earning a smack across the face from her sister.
"You have no right to. . ."
"Oh, I have every right to," Natalie shot back. "You want me to play your game, then this time we play by my rules.
You have till tomorrow morning to decide."
"And if I don't play by your rules?"
"Blair gets a mysterious message that sends her after your ass."
"Like she'd figure it out if you didn't spell it out for her."
Natalie smirked: "Well, I guess one good thing will come out of John screwing her. She'll want to get to the bottom of the mystery, and he never could let a good one go. Once he realizes it concerns Hope, he'll solve the case. He'll come after you with all he has."
"And I'll blame you or Todd. I'll have a plan in place by then."
"Again. Todd was at the hospital and I was in your little chamber of horrors. Ain't going to work, Sis. But hey, I'll love watching you try… watching you squirm for once."
"Nora won't. . ."
Natalie laughed: "honey, hate to break it to you, but Nora will be the least of your worries. The Crammer women will be out for blood. Yours. You really will loose everything, and for once I'll be partially to blame. Hey, it might even be worth it to see you finally have to pay for hurting people."
"I'm not the one. . ."
"Keep telling yourself that. But I'm not the one you have to get to believe. Tomorrow morning. Either way, you will end up loosing those girls. You decide how. Because I will take them. I will raise them. But they will be MY daughters. You try to take them back. Back out of the deal we make and I will make you pay."
"You'll be an accessory after the fact. . ."
"Maybe. But you'll have to prove I've known the whole time I've had them. All I have to prove is you've known at all," Natalie reminded. "And when people think about it. . . they'll realize you knew now.
That's why you had me take them.
I'll say Tess kept telling you there was some secrect and you were afraid so you convinced me to take them. . . that's all it will take Jess. The only convincing I'll have to do.
You could play the sick card, but really, is that going to help you keep custody in the end?"
"I'll do whatever I have to, Natalie," Jessica warned.
"Yeah, well so will I. You have till tomorrow morning to give me your answer. I can either start making arrangements for me and the girls or I can start making sure that John gets the clues to put your behind away. We'll see how YOU like being locked up for a change."
"You think I wasn't at St. Ann's?"
"Tommorrow morning, Jess," Natalie said stiffly as she walked out.