Changed
swinglifeawayxx
soundtrack: "little house" - amanda seyfried. i recommend turning it on while you read this.
On my first ever night in California, she took me to her favorite beach. We walked, bathed in the light of the setting sun, watching our footsteps appear and wash away with the tide. The ocean's waves lapped at our feet, their salty lips caressing us, two small kids on the shoreline. I remember clutching tightly to her smaller hand, fear coursing, unwelcome, through my body.
Everything's changing, I murmured to her, looking at the deceivingly calm sea. What if our plans don't work out? What if nothing works out?
She laughed, then, and took both of my hands in her own.
You guys are going to be great, she giggled, looking straight into my eyes. She let out another loud laugh and looked toward the water. You're all ready for super stardom, Nicholas.
I had scoffed.
I'm serious, she insisted. Her joyful demeanor dropped, leaving her blue eyes piercing into me. I just hope you'll be alright.
What do you mean? I'd questioned, kicking at the inquisitive waves lapping at my ankles. She looked at me for a while, long enough for me to blush and look away. Then she sighed, a mournful, sad sound that I had never heard from her before. The fear coursed through me again.
I don't want you to change, Nick, she whispered, looking at the sun. The rays of light lit up her young face, highlighting the imperfections and the absolute perfection all at the same time – of course I was too defensive to appreciate it at the time.
Change? I had scoffed incredulously. Isn't that the point?
She looked at me almost regretfully, as an adult looks at the small child making a naïve mistake.
This world changes people, she said softly, keeping a tight grip on my hand as I tried to pull it away in annoyance. No, listen! It's changed me, and I'm okay with that. But you…
You're perfect just the way you are.
Her husky voice had torn into my heart, then. I promised her I wouldn't change, pleaded with her to believe it. Little did I know that in that extraordinarily warm January sunset, she'd predicted my future.
In the year and a half following that decisive sunset, I was altered, both internally and externally, beyond repair.
No longer would I be able to walk on the shoreline at sunset, holding her hand and kicking up sand in whirlwinds of fear and exhilaration. No longer would I want to.
No longer would I need her hand in mine – or at least that's what I convinced myself. No longer would I call California home. No longer would I call her home. My heart drifted in the waves and landed in the hands of another girl, a perfect girl, one who I knew could never outshine me. I would never have to worry about her having more fans than me, being a better musician than me, standing up to me.
But at the same time, I would miss it all.
And now, years later, if I were to go to that beach, I would feel the same inquisitive waves lapping at my ankles, the same salty breeze blowing through my curls. I would see the same winter sunset, and hear the same sounds of ocean crashing onto sand.
But if I were to go to that beach, she wouldn't be with me.
So, I won't go to that beach, and I won't re-live my young, juvenile memories. I won't whisper to my guitar that I miss her, and I won't let my feet dance in those familiar waves.
I won't admit that I've changed, and at the same time, I won't admit I was better off the way I was before.
fin.
- nick's point of view, something small that came to me. thoughts? -